Mile High Who Cares?

When I attack, there ain't an army that could strike back
So I react never calmly on a hype track…

We’re a handful of days away from the Rocky Mountain Showdown and the talk about the game is at its usual peak. Although, it is not about CU’s cornerback play, Cody Hawkins’ leadership, or the Lambs’ new staff, but rather the actual game. As in the future of the game.

Will the game continue, and if so, where should it be played? My fellow Buff backers echo the thought of the AD, that they want the game at Folsom Field. That’s if they want it at all; many claim this game does nothing for the Buffs. Beat the Sheep and “you’re supposed to”, lose to them and “how could you!?”

College football has become a game of business and crafty scheduling, with 7-8 home games the norm, and CU AD Mike Bohn looks to keep with his BCS brethren and schedule likewise. Plus, most Buff ticket holders like the better seats they have at Folsom rather than sitting on Bucky the Bronco’s bozack at Invesco. Of course the clichéd “Boulder merchants” always come into play in favor of playing in Boulder. And no, away fans, “Boulder merchants” doesn’t mean some dude with dreads selling incense and water pipes.

The other side wishes to continue the series, every year at Invesco. The equally clichéd “good for college football” in the state argument comes into play. Good for college football playing in an antiseptic NFL stadium, adorned with Bronco logos, no neighborhood with all the fans and students riding cars/buses to the game? That’s great for college football. That should challenge the Red River Shootout in popularity there.

I fall into a subset of the former group. Yes, I’d like this game at Folsom, and when the Goats host, they can have it at Invesco or their home field of the Stutler Bowl or whatever it’s called. But, frankly, I don’t give a Boulder hackey sack or a Fort Collins’ tractor where the hell this game is played. A vacant lot littered with hypodermic needles, the ruins of the Astrodome, on Gary Barnett’s mound of dollars, on the USS Nimitz, in the Coors Brewery retaining pond, in my backyard. Play it anywhere, and the Buffs just win the damn game and if you’re a true Buff fan you and your smuggled booze will be there.

Labor Day Ales

I project my voice so it's right in the crowd.
There's a sign at the door: no bitin' allowed...

The end of Summer: final BBQs, back-to-school, pennant races heating up, a farewell to Summer brews, and getting back into the joy of pigskin. Here in SG Land, we enjoy alot of Summer's end all. Labor Day means College Football and CU kickoff, Fantasy Football, and mass, I mean mass beers consumed. As if we're trying to tell the body and the evil liver, "hey wake up, football season is coming!"

This upcoming weekend, one factor not in play for SG Summer is the piece of shit counting of all the beers that have been going on the last few summers. No mad scramble to down a ton of beers, no poetic downing of the "final" beer, none of that ridiculous stupidity. Yes, ridiculous stupidity. So, fire up the charcoal, toss you football, and tailgate to some Live Source "Live at the BBQ" or MC Serch's "Back to the Grill". But, don't count, there's no need to this Summer's end (453)

Depth baby, depth

Total chaos - no mass confusion
Rhymes so hypnotizin known to cause an illusion...

Three Time Slushy Gutter Winner Juck chimes in with his thoughts on the recently released CU depth chart. Juck is best known for pounding 34 beers during the CU opener last year.

-WR looks fine, would have been nice to have Simas though.

-Tackle could be scary if Miller or Solder get hurt, would hope not to see Givens this year.

-Center and Guard good depth. Hope 2 of the Guards step up as permanent fixtures, My money is on Max and Head.

-Tight ends look good, interesting that the 2 fullbacks are also listed here

-QB I hope Cody stays healthy, don't think Ballenger will be the future.

-Tailback some surprises. Think by game three this will be totally different. Don't think Darrell and Rodney have enough understanding of the offense to garner 1st or second team. Moyd at 2 was kind of a shocker, but he has been in the program for 3 years and has a better understanding of the game than the rookies.. By game 3 I see Scott #1, Sumler #2, and Stewart #3 and the 3rd down back

-Fullback would love to see these guys get a carry or 2 a game.

-DE wow we have got some depth and size that hasn't been there recently. Would love to see all these guys get into the game at some point. No more 230-240lb DE's

-DT/NT great starters and finally a little depth, would love to see the younger guys get a tad bigger.

-LBs I think they got it right. Great 1-2 depth. Think Sipili, Mohler, and Beatty will get plenty of snaps this season.

-CB is a little scary. Hope Jimmy Smith at 3rd is just do to his recent injuries. We really need him and Jalil to step it up. Would hope that Cha'pelle eventually settles back into the Nickel position. Starting to build a little depth, really like Wright.

-Safety - hope Walters is completely healed, and learns you can wrap up and take somebody down. Don't always have to knock their head off leading with the shoulders. Dykes has looked a little quicker this year, maybe less wind resistance from the haircut. Perkins will be ready next year to be a 3 year starter.

-KR don't really like Summler at 2, but until Rodney can consistently field the ball he won't be bad blocking for J-Fly. I would like having Scott back with J-Fly, but would fear risking an injury.

-PR like what J-Fly has to offer. Dykes #2 only because of his hands. Hope Rodney can perfect fielding the ball and step up, looked scary at times this fall.

Draft Day Prep

Ridiculous bass, aggravating treble
Rebel, renegade, must stay paid
not by financial aid, but a raid of hits
causing me to take long trips…

Just in case you haven’t been paying attention, I go by the name Commish CH, which is short for Commissioner. That name stems from the fact that I have been at the helm of a very inebriated, stubborn, fool hardy, and hardscrabble fantasy football league since the Golden Age of 1994.

Since then, I have accumulated well over 100 losses, drafted some miserable players, and presided over a league where the drunkest owner is more popular than the champion.

This weekend I’m sure many of you have your annual Fantasy Football draft. Hordes of men and women will clutter into basements, bars, and office conference rooms to take their chance at drafting Adrian Peterson. Include myself and the SG Crew among those assembling. With that, there is a certain way to prepare and get yourself ready for draft day…

---Screw waking up early. In fact, don’t even go to sleep. Keep yourself awake on a vicious mixture of Diet Mountain Dew, Mentos, kiwi, and B12 shots into your eyeball.

---Take a walk to your local pizza joint and say you are the “District 51 Pizza Inspector.” Get into the kitchen and wear the dough as a hula-type skirt, then cook it and share it with the cashiers at the Credit Union in the same strip mall. Fuel for your mind!

---Stop by you local Pilates studio and smash your testicles against the window. Then run. Ooooh, that high!

---Make a visit to the local magazine shop, but rather than loading up on FF newsletters and mags, just cut the shit and buy a few copies of ‘Young Farmer’s Daughter’s Hot Tuna’ and ‘Field and Stream’.

---Break into the draft site and replace the names for the draft order with pictures of 80’s TV icon Alf with the caption ‘This is what the Commissioner had in his bed last night’.

---Rather than using a number two pencil or steely black Bic pen, write your cheat sheets with the blood of a freshly killed rabbit. Keep said rabbit in a dirty dog dish with you throughout the draft. Intimidation!

---Draft former Vikings RB LeRoy Hoard. That way the league thinks you know something they don’t. Kind of like how Winthorpe and Billy Ray Valentine tricked the Dukes. Before you know it, you’ll have a run of Erik Kramer, Darnay Scott, Fuad Reviez, and Tamarick Vanover.

---Forgo the laptop and pick up a Commodore 64 at the local thrift store. Roll into that shit with a reel to reel tape machine, a helmet phone with the Memphis Showboats logo, and some 70 year old named Abe. Preparation!

---When you get the last pick and then you hear your pick has just been released, just drink yourself silly, it’s worked for me for 14 years.

Magnetic Distraction

You drew a picture of my morning
But you couldn't make my day,
I'm rockin' and you're yawning
But you never look my way...

The Slushy Gutter has concluded a rugged multi year month hour investigation of former Washington Redskins' coach Joe Gibbs in reference to alleged cheating. In conjuction with our cohorts at NASCAR, Billy Jed, Cooter, and Gun Rack Jenkins, who were also instrumental in bringing in Gibbs Racing on recent cheating charges, the SG has discovered Gibbs also cheated in Super Bowl XXII versus the Denver Broncos.

Gibbs' and the Redskins' staff reportedly placed magnets on RB's Timmy Smith's knees, quad muscles, and ankles that helped him to his legendary, once-in-a-freaking-lifetime performance in the game. Smith ran for 204 yards through the Donks' defense, a record that stood for years. Soon after, Smith faded into obscurity and is now in jail (much like the Broncos' D could've been after that game performance.)

The magnets were also used to super charge Doug Williams' arm, enhance Ricky Sanders' route running, and give Dexter Manley the ability to read for that Sunday afternoon. Jay Schroeder also used the magnets to reverse his male patern baldness.

In response to the scandal, the NFL has awarded the Super Bowl XXII title to your Denver Broncos. Three time Champs, baby! Somewhere Tony Lilly is redeemed.

The league is also looking into Super Bowl XXI and whether Phil Simms used the same drug a North Korean Olympic shooter recently was revealed as having taken. The drug is named propranolol, which steadies one's hand, because there's no f*cking way Simms could've had a 22 for 24 passing day.

CU Scrimmage Scrum

How ya like me now? I'm getting busier,
I'm double platinum, I'm watching you get dizzier...

Buffalo hits garnered from the final open practice / scrimmage up in Boulder this past weekend:

---QB Cody Hawkins is the most valuable on this squad. Don't get it twisted (hey, I've always wanted to write that), he's not the most talented, the most athletic, or the fastest. He is the player that if hurt, would be a biggest loss to this team. Cody runs the team with the efficiency of an IBM middle manager, knowing the Xs and Os, ins and outs, slants and flys. He seems at ease in the pocket and out, and is the undoubted team leader.

---The LB corps are physical specimens. I had a chance to check them out in individual drills and they are just huge, fast, and quick. The smallest guy is Jeff Smart, who has drawn rave reviews since being inserted last year and was all over the field in the Independence Bowl. Lyn Katoa, who is redshirting this year, looks every part of a four year starter.

---Post Scrimmage: Former Two Time Slushy Gutter Winner Mummy called the Little League World Series team listed on the TV as 'S. Arabia' as "South Arabia" then corrected himself and claimed they were "Southern Arabia".

-Slushy Gutter alum Clarence Cricket upset the girlfriend of a young RB when he claimed her boyfriend "sucks".

---All World recruit Darrell Scott is poised to be the short yardage back for the offense. The pack trying to tackle Scott was typically eight to 10 deep. He doesn't quite have his 5280 legs under him yet, so expect Scott to get the TD carries for a few games, perhaps longer...

---...If starting RB Demetrius Sumler and the new "it" RB Rodney "Speedy"Stewart can produce over the first two games. Stewart, who current Slushy Gutter Winner Juck says will "make you shit your pants", lives up to his nickname yet shows incredible strength. Think screens and dump passes until defenses wise up.

---Defensive tackles George "Rabid Goldfish" Hypolite and Brandon Nicholas are stout; they will command extra attention from the opposing OL. However, the DE contingent needs to get a step or two to pressure QBs (think Booger Eater and Todd Reesling) in the ever expanding spread offense in the Big 12.

---No matter how good or bad the team looks, the CU schedule is still as daunting as it was at the conclusion of last year. Stay thirsty my friends...

Rainy Day Points

Rippin up the wax
Takin out the wack
keep the weak asleep, then he goes for the playback...

CO SPORTS:
**America's team has been enjoying our thin air and rainy days while practicing with Colorado's Team the past few days, and the thin air has gone to PacMan's head. 'Pac has gotten off a few choice words directed at the Donks' Brandon Marshall. Pac is again speaking out his ass as reports had Marshall smoking Pac Man like Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde throughout practice. Other positive reports have been of rookie Ryan Clady performing well versus behemoths Marcus Spears and DeMarcus Ware. On the flip side, the overall mood of the practices is that the Cowboys are light years ahead of the Broncos in terms of the overall talent level, precision, and cheerleader cleavage.

HIP HOP:
**The hottest track of the late summer has got to be Jay-Z's "Jockin Jay Z", produced by Kanye West. The title takes Run's lyric "I see you jockin J.C. because he's got a Mercedes..." from the opening bar of 1986's classic "Dumb Girl". Jay manages to holler at Run opening with "who's house?" He also manages to big up Obama (seems to be a popular rapper refrain these days), shout out his wife for being "thick", and talk about "models in the mosh pit, dancing off beat, but they know the words to my shit." But in perhaps Jay's strongest bar in years, he totally owns Oasis lead man Noel Gallagher ("That bloke from Oasis said I couldn't play guitar/Somebody shoulda told him I'm a fuckin' rock star/Today is gonna be the day that I'm gonna throw it back to you...") CHECK IT HERE

BEER:
**Since I'm not doing the Slushy Gutter Challenge this Summer, it is no doubt that Coors stock is down nearly 56%. The merger with Miller (which still makes me throw up in my mouth), gas prices (ditto), and the failed development of Miller Charcoal flavor beer for the upcoming football season contributed to the downturn.

REALTED: Public Enemy f/ CL Smooth - "Night Train" ("To yell brother man,he ain't black man,cuz he ate his Pac Man")

No Sweat the Technique

The director flip a script like Rob Reiner

The way a lotta dudes rhyme their name should be knob shiner...

Last summer (409) and the summer before that (469), around now I would’ve been really sweating. Because I wouldn’t be at all close to the 528 beers down my pipes goal that was laid out. 2008? Another summer…another number. And I don’t give a damn about no stinking numbers.

I can whisk the days and nights away at the Edgewater Inn, swilling mass goblets of beer and pizza, enjoy Sunshine Wheats at Arvada’s Grandview Tavern, and down a variety of beers on Denver’s Old South Pearl. I swilled many beers at the traditional summer one-year old’s bday party and nary a foul glare went my way. I can drink Pete’s Rally Cap Ale, Miller Chills, Red Stripes, and of course smooooooooooth CLs and not blink twice about trying to reach that statistically insignificant number.

In fact, I’ve eliminated that number from my life. Curse you, 528! If I get a raffle ticket, a race bib, a DMV number with that on it, I flush it down the nearest toilet. It’s August, there’s only three weekends left, and 528 is the furthest from my mind.(378 )

RELATED: The Beatnuts - "Props Over Here" ("But don't sweat that, cuz I'm let you keep your head.")

Rockies Road is Officially Over

Stalkin, walkin in my big black boots
Living off the earth eatin herbs and fruits...

It officially became football season last night. How do I know this? A 4-2 Diamondbacks’ lead in the 7th inning, and on the rooftop of a LoDo bar, what are the masses watching? Gymnastics. It appears the Rockies’ bandwagoners and hanger ons have finally traded in their Garrett Atkins for Shawn Johnson.

There will be no miracle run, even in the NL Worst. There was a small glimmer of hope post-All Star Break, but as the team has bungled this homestand (only two wins) they needed a sweep of the Snakes. Not going to happen, as Randy Johnson and his greasy mullet shut down the Rox lineup.

Injuries, lack of clutch hitting, a notch down from their 07 defense, the complete fiasco of the fifth starter, it has all added up to 9 games out, 14 games under, 40 games left.

Even a 1st grade math geek knows those numbers add up to shifting attention to football. And apparently, Rockies’ fans think it adds up to a 15.85 in the uneven bars.

RELATED: O.C. - "Time's Up"

Broken Language

Dialect spoken, in sectional lesson
The less you know, the more you gotta guess on...

Livan- Spanish for "holy shit, I hurt my neck following that ball over the fence."

Carmelo- Baltimorian for "Micheal Phleps will be more popular than me if I keep playing at an 0-3 shooting clip." Can be coupled with Anthony which means "rather chubby."

Ramsey- Grand Rapidan for "future Arena League backup."

Hawk- Boulder Rastafarian for "do you like my straw hat...this is a Division One hat!"

Prater- Colfaxish for "he who isn't an Elam."

Sakic- British Columbian for "I can't make up my damn mind" Similar to Favre in the Wisconsinan language.

Opening Cipher Ceremonies

Songs for your Olympic fortnight:

--Wu Tang Clan- "Triumph" ("Olympic torch flaming, we burn so sweet,the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat") VIDEO
--Kool G Rap- "It's a Shame" ("The boss of all bosses, I own racehorses and a fortress, corridors with Olympic torches and Mona Lisa portraits")
--LL Cool J- "4, 3, 2, 1" ("Snappin you ameteur MCs, don't you know I'm like the Dream Team tourin overseas") VIDEO
--Diamond D f/ Brand Nubian- "A Day in the Life" ("Your head's unravelling, my force is of a javelin")
--Snoop Dogg- "Gold Rush"
--Swollen Members- "Consumption" ("I can pole vault with a lightning bolt over the wall of China")
--Brand Nubian - "Slow Down" ("A real gold winner just like Bruce Jenner")
--Akinyele- "Checkmate" ("Before I start diving up in that ass like Greg Louganis")
--Defari- "Gems" ("Exactly, Defari lyrical athlete, find me in the final heat of the Olympic track meet")
--Craig Mack- "Flava in Ya Ear" ("This bad MC with stamina like Bruce Jenner") VIDEO
--Rodney O and Joe Cooley- "Everlasting Bass" ("Joe's as fast as Carl Lewis, he's black not Jewish")
--UGK f/ Outkast- "International Players Anthem" ("High jump the broom like a preemie out the womb") VIDEO
--LL Cool J- "Droppin Em" ("I'ma win the race and make you feel disgrace, in any case, yo, I'm movin like a steeplechase")
--Big Daddy Kane- "Lyrical Gymnastics"
--Lords of the Underground- "Here Come the Lords" ("I'm running over rappers like I'm a Jackie Joyner Kersey") VIDEO
--3rd Bass- "Gas Face Remix" ("Beijing students fought armies with guns and knives")
--Redman- "Yesh Yesh Y'all" ("When I flip this I got more work than a Olympic gymnast")
--Ultramagnetic MC's- "Yo Black" ("Make you think you swimmin' like that homey Mark Spitz")
--Tha Alkaholiks- "Can't Tell Me Shit" ("Girls call me God when I'm humpin, I should get a gold medal for broad jumpin")
--Pete Rock & CL Smooth- "If it Ain't rough, it Ain't Right" ("Mecca Don upon the streets of Babylon, pass the baton to respond like Farrakhan")
--Tha Alkaholiks- "Aww Shit" ("Lyrics flippin like Dominique Dawes with no drawers")
--Notorious BIG- "One More Chance Remix" ("While I'm swimmin in ya women like the breast stroke") VIDEO
--Casual- "Get Off It" ("But behold I got Seoul like the Olympics in eighty-eight")
--Jeru the Damaja- "Mental Stamina" ("Fuck it, you'll get your ass kicked,challenge my verbal gymnastics")
--Brother Ali- "Uncle Sam Goddamn" ("Only approved questions get answered, now stand your ass up for that national anthem") VIDEO

Quick Buffalo Dung

When I come through I clog up your sewer

Peep the maneuveur, drop the ill manure
So bring Mr. Clean, Drano, and Roto Rooter...

Being so very Boulder, Colroado's Flagship University has deemed that all home football games will be zero-waste events. Hey, that's just how we roll, rest of Big 12. We're just a bunch of tree loving hippies who happen to love their football team in between hackey sack, bong hits, and drum circles. Oh, and we happen to like our alcohol. Alot. That means students will recycle in their fifths of Jack/Vodka/Rum, Ralphie's waste will be shoveled into a lovely planter to grow marigolds outside Jeff Bzdelik's office, used Gatorade cups will be donated to local frats for Jello shot containers, those always talked about urine bombs will be destilled and converted to fuel, and, finally nebraska fans will not be allowed in the stadium.

RELATED: MF Doom - "Beef Rap" - "For a mil do a commercial for Mello Yello/Tell em devil's hell no, sell yall own Jello"

Marshall Plan

Don't live in a world... of hate hate hate

Pull yourself together... and get yourself straight...

The NFL and Commissioner Roger Goodell level a swift and hard pimp slap on Broncos' wideout Brandon Marshall for conduct unbecoming of the league. Three games is what Marshall and the Donks must endure without his services. It can't be all that bad, can it? For each bad part of Brandon Marshall being out, there is undoubtedly a flip side?

BAD: Brandon Marshall is the Broncos best player; your chances of winning an NFL contest decrease without your best player.
GOOD: The Kerry Colbert Era begins in full effect.

BAD: Marshall and QB Jay Cutler developed a great on-field repertoire last season.
GOOD: Oakland fans won't be able to chant "Big Mac, Big Mac, Big Mac" and dress as a cross between Darth Vader and the Hamburglar.

BAD: Teams will stack up to stop the run knowing the Broncos lack a true deep threat.
GOOD: Brandon will be able to wear a lot of snazzy ball caps and headbands along the sidelines while chatting up the practice squad long snapper.

BAD: It could be up to three games without Marshall.
GOOD: With counseling, it might be reduced to two games.
BAD: In counseling he could meet Switchblade Sid, who might introduce him to crack.

BAD: Fantasy dorks everywhere will argue whether he should slip to the second or third round.
GOOD: He will slip to the third round, where The Commish will select him.
BAD: He will slip on a Whopper wrapper at an off-suspension dinner and injure himself for the year.

RELATED: Das EFX - "Rap Scholar" - "You know it's me, cause some say the boat rocker
Big Mac not the Whopper, peace to Big Poppa"

What's Up Doc?

Dead in the middle of Little Italy, little did we know
that we riddled some middleman who didn't do diddly...

The last week in July has traditionally been our trip to the mountain oasis that is Glenwood Springs, CO. This year was no different, as we made our way up and over Vail Pass (stopping at the world famous Red Lion for a few ice cold CLs) and into Garfield's County seat. Upon arrival, we were greeted by many Hanging Lake Ales, the usual assortment of CLs, and Mrs. Mummy visiting the ER due to a nasty shoulder separation.

Visits to the coldest CL in the world at Mancinelli's Pizza, Coronas at the Hot Springs, Avalanche Summer Brights at Rivers Restaurant, Bud Lights at the Carbondale Mountain Fair, and the always timeless beers at the Hotel Colorado. It all kept me in prime fashion all weekend long. Even two-time Slushy Gutter Winner Mummy and two-time Slushy Gutter Winner JayBiz visited Doc Holliday's grave a few beers down. For the record, Mummy claims JayBiz's SG Awards "don't really count." Hi haters.

The best part? No counting of the mass beers consumed, just alot of drankin and in my mind...straight zeros. (317)

RELATED: Intelligent Hoodlum - "Shoot Em Up" ... ("You start shootin like your name was Doc Holliday")

Learn Our History

Today is Colorado Day. On this day in 1876 Ulysses Grant signed a proclamation declaring Colorado a state. Let’s take a brief look of the history of Our Fair State for those of you not in the know.

Colorado was discovered in 1554 by Pat Bowlen, Shannon Sharpe, the skinny guy from Tag Team, and Dante Bichette. They had stumbled upon the state when they were on a cross-country trek to find the purest spring water available in the land.

When they arrived at what is now the Platte River in Central Denver, Dante called his distant cousin (via smoke signal) to meet them at the location. The cousins’s name? Adolf Coors. When Coors arrived, the five of them immediately brewed up a batch of ice cold smooooooooooth Coors Light. Unfortunatley, Dante was eaten by a wayward pack of wolves when he tried to eat them.

Soon word of the new invention spread throughout the land, as people came in droves to sample the delicious elixir. After a few years passed, the throngs had grew so large that the populace decided to build the original Mile High Stadium. Soon thereafter, they noticed a young native American man who could really throw the discarded Coors bouda bags and they signed him to play quarterback in their new stadium. His name? John Elway.

After long, gold was discovered on the banks of Cherry Creek. Not gold nuggets, but rather gold dookie ropes. More people engulfed the area, and after awhile the creek yielded not only the ropes, but three-finger rings, door knocker earrings, and Chipolte burritoes.

The state continued to grow, so much so that then governor of the state, LaPhonso Ellis, drew a complete box around it to mark its boundaries. The line was drawn with extra heavy ink in the northeast corner of the state due to the “rancid sod-busting imbreds” that populated the area beyond.

Before long, groups wandered from the home base of Denver. Most notably was a group of men named Bill MacCartney, Frank Shorter, Joel Klatt, and Darrell Scott, and some other guy who could make a bong out of a can, and a few cats from a drum circle. That pack settled beneath the Flatirons, were inflicted with Niwot’s curse and started the community of Boulder.

The state grew and grew, as new delicious beers were made, new mountain communities formed, and the state’s official song became Special Ed’s “I Got it Made.” The flag was originally a giant mural of a vicious Danny Schayes dunk, but soon changed. Rodeos were originally held inside McNichols Sports arena with cowboys dressed in Colorado Rocky Hockey sweaters, but that also changed.

And now you know…