Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Obama Cold Filtered

With the musical mystical magical, you know how I do
With word attack skills and vocabulary too...

The Cambridge Cop, the Harvard Prof, and President Obama are all meeting this week to difuse the recent situation they were all involved in, put on a happy face for the press, and most importantly, drink some cold beers.

The Cambridge Po-Po has chose to imbibe Golden's, ahem, microbrew Blue Moon. Which for good measure, has seen its summer version steadily being thrown down The Commish's esophagus this season. The Doctor hasn't quite decided if he will partake in a Red Stripe or a Beck's Beer. And meanwhile the Leader of the Free World will have a Budweiser: take that North Korea!

Having a beer at the White House is quite the memorable moment, and the Cop and the Prof get to choose what type of beers they want. Isn't there something kind of wrong here? You bungle a 911 call and arrest a man who actually lives in the house, get chastised by Obama yet you want to indulge in Golden's finest hops and barley? And the other dude yells from the roof tops, playing the race card, flaunting his scholastic position, yet gets to cheer 'Hooray for Beer!'?

Will there be Beer Nuts, pretzels, or potato chips?

Both were summoned to the White House, drink whatever they serve you. If Obama says, "Uhhh, you here are, uhhh, drinking some warm bat piss that fermented in a meth house for three weeks" then you smile and drink it.

Prof guy, if they are going to let you choose your own drink...with the President of the United the most recognizable American building in the world...try to drink an American beer. This ain't Kingston, and this ain't Germany.

Obama...I may have to reconsider my vote if you keep swilling that Bud too.

RELATED: Damon Wayans Stand Up circa 1996 - "This is the White House...bring me some cocaine!!!"


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Tatis Tatooed

The poetry I'm rattlin is really not for battlin
But if you want I will simply change the program
So when I'm done you will simply say damn...

The reworking of the Rockies bullpen may need some additional reworking (rereworking?) after the Juan Rincon and Franklin Morales' melt down in allowing a grand salami in Queens.

Rincon looked alright over the weekend, but looked like a worn out subway Monday night. Jim Tracy played his cards and went with Rincon, when super youngster Jhoulys Chacin and new setup man Rafeal Betantcourt were both available. It was perplexing, as the Rox bullpen hadn't allowed anything for nearly 10 innings prior to last night.

Morales looked primed to take over the #1 setup role just two weeks ago, but he may be ticketed back to the Springs or to the back of the bully to get himself together.

Tracy also needs to feel out his new bullpen contingent and decide which path to take, however here could be more new additions before Friday's deadline. Hey, Mike Vick is available!

RELATED: Main Source - "Just Hanging Out" - ("From Flushing to the streets of New York in fact, freshly dipped off the wack")

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Pop The Blister

I sell rhymes like dimes
The one who mostly keep cash but brag about the broker times
Joker rhymes, like the "Is you just happy to see me?" trick
Classical slap-stick rappers need Chapstick...

Rockies' ace Jason Marquis has a blister, causing him to miss this weekend's crucial series verus the Giants:

-Marquis should rock the Husky work gloves whenever possible. He can be like like those villians in the 80s movies who throws on the gloves and upends the table where the nerds are eating.

-RELATED: Ghostface Killah - "Cherchez LaGhost" - "Catch me on the stage with about ten kicks. Blister hard headed - grinnin' all dayCan you say 'Oww! We just got paid' "

-The above my strike a chord with Marquis, since he- like the Wu Tang Clan- is from Staten Island. Maybe he ran with the Clan back in the day under the name Golden Marq Sword. Him and ODB drank mad 40s and he rolled dice with U-God.

-I'm sure that Marquis has heard every blister remedy known to man, but heed the word of the Commish: Krazy Glue, son, Krazy Glue.

-RELATED: Mobb Deep f/ Big Noyd - "Burn" - "My jewels, my whip, my rims we bitchinMy guns be the heat that'll make you blister."

-Message from teenage boys everywhere to Marquis- use the other hand.

-A bit of the luster is off the Friday game that would've pitted Marquis versus Matt Cain. But hey, we have Jason Hammel going instead. Just close your eyes and when he announced pretend they said 'Cole' not 'Jason.'

-Carmex and lots of it. Somewhere Gaylord Perry agrees.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Pac Div: Church League Champs

One of the hottest tracks from earlier in the year was Pac Div's "Mayor," a Kids In The Hall- sampled joint that channelled the old SoCal indie rap scene and positioned the group for better things to come. The vibe of their music got many a Hip Hopper checking for them and now we have a new offering, the Church League Champs mixtape. I had a chance to hear the ragga-inspired "Young Black Male" a few days back then peeped the whole joint and it doesn't disappoint with some frantic old school beats, dynamic wordplay, and chemistry between the three members (B-Young, Like, and Mibbs) and a group that doesn't take themselves som damn serious in the Rap World circa 2009. The Church League Champs is a primer for their major label debut later this year, but you'll think of it as a regular LP release, it's that cool.

Best yet? It's free. SG got you the hook up. DOWNLOAD HERE son.


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Remember Bz

My mind's my nine, my pen's my Mac-10...

For the second straight off-season, CU Hoops coach Jeff Bzdelik's name has been bandied about with an open NBA job.

This year, the Minnesota T-Pups and coach Bz have had "informal conversations."

Why wouldn't the NBA come calling to Coach Bz again, he did win 9 games up in Boulder last year?

We already went over his shortcomings as a coach and why the heck NBA brass would consider him for their openings. But by now, it might not be the NBAers who are driving these "conversations."

Bzdelik, although only two seasons into his CU tenure, might see the proverbial writing on the wall and is keeping his name in NBA circles. The coach and his staff have struggled in their two years, not only on the floor, but somewhat on the recruting trail, at the gate, and within his own athletic department.

Bzdelik may have to face the reality that he is in over his head in the Big 12. His couple years at the Air Force Academy didn't provide him with the depth of contacts in the borderline sleazy college hoops ranks. Guys are being targeted in middle school, and programs like Kansas, Texas, and Okie State know this, and they know the people to be in touch with. More importantly, those people listen when Bill Self calls. Jeff Bzdelik on the phone for you, coach. Who?

While running the same group of set plays with disciplined Academy players will work versus TCU, that high school junk won't fly versus Mike Anderson's defense at Mizzou. Players like Blake Griffin at OU are coached to stop that crap. When that falls apart for CU, they don't have the players who can freestyle or create. Bzdelik hasn't even come close to bringing one in.

While Bz might see he is limited on the floor and off, he may also see the CU AD not moving forward as fast as he would like to help him help himself. When he was hired it was all promises on both sides: new capital projects, better opponents, increased support, champagne, cavier, and bubble baths. The dreary Coors Event Center looks a year older, they played Western State last year, and you could roll a bowling ball down the aisles and not hit a soul.

Bz might not get a head coaching NBA gig when his days at CU come to end, but by keeping his name fresh in their heads, he could be primed for an assistant role, or even his strength, scouting. For now, enjoy the CU Hoops offerings. Plenty of tickets for the School of Mines game.

RELATED: Rampage - "Wild For The Night" - "I'm nervous, ready wanna know how I'm comin the Boy Scout drop the true shit then I'm hummin."


Friday, July 17, 2009

Kidney Punch

It was the fame, that they tried to get,
now they walking around talkin about represent...
These mean net streets were abuzz yesterday that CU Head Honch Dan Hawkins had checked into the hospital. Gasp!
Was he fusing the DNA of Kordell Stweart, Koy Detmer, and Darian Hagan to give himself a Black and Gold super QB? Was it a complete breakdown after watching his receivers work out over the week? Did he mistake the hospital for the barber shop because he finally wanted to rid himself of the adult Adam Rich haircut?
Relax Buff fans, it's just a kidney stone. Although that was probably no small "relax" for Dan Hawkins. After weeks of trying to Zen the stone out, Dan had to get a legit Doc to work on it.

Easy jokes for the Buff haters here folks: That's the easiest pass he'll complete this year! (Rim shot)
And of course: "It's Division One surgical procedures! This ain't med school! You got a few hours to check in, a few hours in surgery, that's probably more time in the hospital than meth addicts get. And we're a little bummed out? Go play Operation, brother."
RELATED: Slick Rick - "Children's Story" - "The barrell was heading straight for the cop's kidney"


Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Sports Today is Yawn

You really make me sick with ya fraudulent behavior,
You're gonna make me flip and then an army couldn't save ya...

Today is arguably the lamest day in the sporting year. In an effort to keep the pages full, the SG has sent top notch correspondents to check on these CO Sports story on this down day.

ATLANTA- Brandon Marshall's house. Ring doorbell. Drop hefty sack of Big Mac wrappers labeled "money for B-Marsh". Run. Watch him open door and smile when he sees bag. Chuckle as he opens bag and cries like a little girl.

DENVER- Again, these Colorado Outlaws people are having an all-star game. If they are a motorcycle gang, stay clear of the stadium area. If they are old rum running bootleggers, grab a jug and mosey on down!

ST LOUIS- Check Carl Crawford's glove to see if it is a goalie glove. Missed it by Nelly's diamond earring length, Brad. Damn near sea-level ball park.

SWEDEN- Avs traverse halfway around the world to get a new goaltender. The big question is he the fifth member of ABBA?

LAS VEGAS- Ty Lawson has an off night debut for the Nugs. Hmmmm, young ballers, new money, Vegas? Seems like a perfect place to expect a player's best basketball.

FRANCE- Garmin Slipstream is a Boulder based cycling team and performing quite well in the Tour...and big up to my french vanillas, parlez vous, Francais, mi amor, merci, oui oui, bon bons and all that good stuff.

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Monday, July 13, 2009

Dragin at Mile High

The Slushy Gutter Crew ventured out this weekend to take in the Mile High Nationals at Bandimere Speedway here in CO. Some highlights:

-A strange detour as the night begins as we stop at a smoke shop. I figure someone needs some cigars. But no, the purchase? Snuff. JBiz** calls it "anal snuff" and juvenile humor ensues.

-The second stop is at a C-Store for tall cans. A sign on the door offers an "upgrade" from an old soda glass to a new one. Parting with my 1994 Jurassic Park cup will be bitter but in the end well worth it.

-The tall cans are a frosty reward for a hot day, however TDub*** cannot open his. According to him the pop top is "broken." According to the rest of us, he is the broken one.

-We are listening to
Special Ed and talking dirt track racing. The conversations fuse together and somehow Special Ed owns and operates a dirt race track.

-What crowd do I expect at the races? Strictly the redneck white-bred sect. However, I am wrong. There are black rednecks, Hispanic rednecks, Goth rednecks, gangster rednecks, hippie rednecks, etc. Drag racing: the great unifier.

-Pickles* jokingly says "they don't serve beer here." TDub looks at him and says "I'll kill you."

-One dude is wearing a Motley Crue tshirt, another an Iron Maiden shirt. These aren't the ones you can buy at Target, these are straight from 1986. Somewhere, the 80s Commish* is rocking his jean jacket but countering the headbangers with his Public Enemy shirt.

-Anti tobacco crusaders wouldn't like this venue. Smokers galore. Dudes with a half a can of chew in their grills. And of course, our resident snuff user. JBiz still chuckles when he calls it "anal snuff"

-I hate Bud Light Lime. To me it tastes like stale Bud mixed with lime Kool Aid. I hate it even more now because they are selling 24 ounce cans of it for $11.

-Motorcyles are racing now. They are like some futuristic Tron like bikes.

-After the bikes are done, every pit guy comes out and combs the track. It reminds me of the giant comb from Spaceballs. I chuckle to myself, but no one else is amused.

-Decepticon Sean's brother has six Bud Light bottles with him. Not six empties, but six full bottles. That's $36 worth of hooch for one guy. In college I could buy a keg of beer for that.

-Some very helpful necks break down most of the proceedings for us during the funny car runs. The drivers don't necessarily like the high altitude racing in Colorado. Somewhere Mike Hampton agrees.

-Each run (about 7 seconds) costs about $15,000. Obama's stimulus has apparently trickled down to drag racing.

-Ashley Force is the superstar of the proceedings. Her shirts are everywhere and her paddock is mobbed by fans. Unlike some of her hot female counterparts in other racing disciplines, she is actually one of the top drivers. Still, the main comments from fans are about her tits.
-The noise, vibration, and flash of the car shakes everything from my eyelids to my ball sack. Next time, I'm wearing a jock strap.

-My earplugs could supply enough wax for a candle. Someone send the Commish some damn Q-tips.
-Jeez Steve** and some other patrons have gotten themselves into a near Battle Royale near the starting line. Think Sharks versus Jets standoff in wife beaters and multi colored racing hats.
-It starts to rain and lightning heavily during the top alcohol fuel dragsters. We're going to need a big damn squeegee.

-The snuffer in the group has become Tyrone Biggums with the damn stuff.

-During the rain delay we venture to the beer tent in the paddock area. It smells like piss.

-I take a tour of the Skoal tent. I have to fill out more paperwork to get into said tent than when I registered to vote. After I fil out the needed paperwork, a buxom blonde in a skimpy Skoal outfit asks "What brand do you smoke?" to which I reply that I dont smoke. She asks a follow up of "what brand do you chew?" And my answer is the same. The look on her face is somewhat saying "then why the hell are you in here?" The look on my face is 1- it's raining outside and 2- you and ten other girls are wearing slutty outfits.

-The rain and lightning aren't letting up, but the beer is still flowing. Someone buys some fries with a gallon of ketchup and they are gone in 7.23 seconds. They timed us on the big board, it is the best time of the day.

-With the weather, we venture to the Rock Rest Saloon in Golden for a burger and cold pitchers. There's a guy there dancing with his pool cue like he's Patrick Swayze and it's Jennifer Grey.

-Word comes from the track (Jeez Steve has stayed behind) that racing will resume. The masses scatter like roaches to catch the festivities. The Commish take a pass and suddenly he is solo with a full pitcher.

-I grab a pool stick. I'm gonna freak that damn pool cue like no other. No one puts pool stick in the corner.

(NOTE: number of * denotes number of Slushy Gutter titles)

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Friday, July 10, 2009

In the Nest

Yo, peep the food for thought, if food were thoughts
I'd be Lean Cuisine, you Mu-shu Pork...

The Nuggets went out and took care of their number one off-season priority, Birdman, and signed him to a deal. It appears they didn't overpay for the reserve, who when he's on can change a game. It could get a bit sticky in the later years of his contract, when he's in his mid 30s and pulling down a big salary. But hey, Marcus Camby, son.

As Birdman was settling into Denver, Dahntay Jones is packing up and bringing his defense to Indiana. Not the biggest loss, although it throws more pressure on JR Smith to be Mr All That at the two guard this season. And the Nugs better scour the league for a someone at the off guard who can provide 20 minutes this year.

Most troubling to many Nugs' fans is the Western Conference arms race. First off, the Lakers adding Ron Artest. On the basketball floor, this is a great move. However, how combustible will Ron Ron be in the locker room? How will he mesh with ultra alpha dog Kobe?

The Rockets added Trevor Ariza. Yes, the SG suggested Ariza would be a welcome fit in CO, but we are talkng about a player who only had about two months of solid play. With Yao out will the Rockets have enough?

The Mavs resigned aging Jason Kidd and brought in Shawn Marion, while their division rival Spurs added Richard Jefferson and Antonio McDyess. These are the two teams that added the most with the veteran and scoring punch. Nugs' fans would hope the two would meet in the postseason and wear eachother out. The Spurs seemed especially primed with their roster to make a big push.

That leaves the Nuggets with the same team intact and we keep hearing "upside" on the team. Truth is, other than Portland, the Nugs appear to have the most "upside" in the conference. The Nugs still need to add a few players, but they can't add guys just to give the appearance that their trying to keep up with their Conference rivals.

A few names to watch: Wally Szczerbiak, Drew Gooden, Desmond Mason, and David Lee. Assuming Linas Kleiza walks, Wally World might give the team some quality minutes and a spot up shooter. Gooden, putting his KU past aside, offers valuable bench minutes and long spells of K-Mart. Desmond Mason would be an offensive upgrade over Dahntay who also surprisingly can get to the hoop and also grab some rebounds.

Finally, the SG has been pining for David Lee for more than a year, and not only would Linas have to leave, but they might have to jettison another salary to make it work with Lee. The dude averages a double double and can shoot the rock. However, he would be a bench player and add to a somewhat crowded front court for a hefty salary.

RELATED: Raekwon f/Ghostface, Cappadonna, and Method Man - "Ice Cream" - ("Moves you're making too fly jewels are shaking")


Wednesday, July 08, 2009

No Mo Joe

Designated to self-destruct
Knocked around like a hockey puck...

The Joe Sakic Love Fest that is happenning in our fair state right now is well deserved. Yes, we all know about the 96 Conn Smythe, the clutch playoff goals, the NHL leading stats, his performance in the 02 Gold Medal game, his pummeling of Doug Gilmour, passing the Cup right to Ray Borque, his battle with snow-removal products, emerging from the smoke before half a million fans with Colorado's first major championship hardware.
But most of the stories about Joe are of his humble nature, his accomodating nature to fans, his polite demeanor, and general "one of the guys" attitude.
Count me in with those stories, as one of my first NHL experiences invloved Super Joe. It was 1996 and I had just been hired to work security for the Avs' first Stanley Cup run. Game One of the playoffs versus the Canucks and I was stuck at the end of a stair case that lead to the Zamboni area. My instructions were as follows: "Dont let anyone back here that doesn't belong." Like most of Colorado, I was just jumping on the Avs' bandwagon, and I didn't know Joe Sakic from Joe Piscopo.
And then here comes this guy, down the stairs with two Gatorade bottles, dressed in some ratty sweats that would make Tyrone Biggums proud. His hair looks like he's been sleeping all afternoon, five o'clock shadow, and a pair of $1 flip flops. In my new found security role, I'm ready to throw this guy right back into the soup kitchen. Plus my security uniform makes me look like a cross between the Orkin man and a Navy Admiral. Tough.
A coworker leans over to me and says, "that's Joe Sakic, he's OK." I looked at him with a "Joe who" look on my face and being the hockey snob he was (there was a lot of those types in the mid 90s) he says "the captain...of the Avalanche."
Joe approached us and smiled, offered a hearty "hello" and "how you doing?" He even thanked me when I "let" him go by. One his way into the bowels of McNichols Arena it was more of the same with greetings for all the $7 an hour peeons.
Years later, I still remember the night and how it contrasted with the various ahole athletes, administrators, and entertainers I encountered over the next few years doing that same job. That could be a entire post in itself.
Good luck to Joe. There's a place on Colorado's Rushmore waiting for him.
RELATED: Fat Joe - "Flow Joe"


Monday, July 06, 2009

Rooting Interest

My recital will form a musical brainstorm
Powerful sound waves where ear drums are torn
The performer recites, competitors ignite
Audiences tonight I came to incite...

Everytime Andy Roddick takes the court my patriotism is severly tested. Typically, the American in any draw always gets my rooting interest. With the complete dearth of US tennis players on the men's side outside of Roddick and an occasional James Blake moment, we don't get too many chances to root on our countrymen deep into tourneys.
You see, Roddick is an avowed Husker fan. I bleed Black and Gold. Andy, we have issues.
But dammit, he's still an American, albeit a rougue, twisted, sod busting type. He's moved his base to Austin rather than the scourge of dirt east of God's Country. He's married to a girl that is very SG approved. He's playing some pocket knife making human-dynasty and is a huge underdog. That same opponent comes on the court looking like a cross between Liberace and 1980's Dance Fever John Travolta (thanks Nike.) Hell, it's Fourth of July weekend. It's not like it's Larry the Cable Guy or Tom Osbourne playing out there! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Then he goes and loses in an epic five setter. Can you blame him, he's from Nebraska.
RELATED: Gangstarr - "Take it Personal" - ("But you tried to play me like an indoor sport, like racquetball, tennis, pool, whatever. All I know is you attempted to be clever")


Thursday, July 02, 2009

July and the Points


-The Rox roll back into town for a 10 game homestand on the heels of a frustrating 1-0 loss to the Dodgers. Jason Hammel took the hard luck complete game loss and the Purp wind powered most of Southern California with the strikeouts throughout the series. Governor Schwarzenegger thanked the team for helping: "The Rockies are certainly not girlie men. They kept the lights on at our local DMVs for three days."

-Notice to anyone in Colorado sporting a number 7 jersey, regardless of sport: that's Elway's number, and you best not forget it. Chauncey Billups apparently woke up with Miles' head in his bed and quickly discarded the #7 for his old #1 in a strange bow down to Johnny Boy. Little Leaguer Justin Donovan, who wears #7 while playing center field and playing with the sprinkler head in Golden Rec Center's 7 year old division, reportedly saw an Elway-like figure following him on his way home from Buy Back Games. Message to Colorado: don't fuck with Elway.

-Aint no party like an Alkaholik party; that rang true throughout the 90s and late into this decade as Tash releases his first solo album in nearly 10 years, Control Freek. The formula for Tash hasn't really varied much: party rhymes, metaphors galore, weed, drink, and West Coast beats. In comparison to full-fledged Lik albums, this joint falls horribly short of the vibe from Coast II Coast or even Firewater, but does have some memorable moments. Guest verses from West Coast vets B-Real, Del, and Lik fam King Tee and J-Ro stand out. Peep the Barack Obama skit (much in the same vein as Rap Life's Bill Clinton skit) where a impersonator says he'd like some Limbaugh weed because "he'd like to smoke the fuck outta it."

-When an album drops called Sunday Drive, you think of mellow, calming music just made for lazy cruising. That's exactly what LoveJones and Phys Edison's latest offering dishes out. Imagery not unlike that of the album cover of cruising the Chi-town area streets with no place to go but no cares lend to the intimate coupling of Phys beats and Jones lyrics. While the majority of the tracks are on the laid back vibe, the albums latter cuts offer up some head nodders. Check "Sucka MCs" reworking of Tribe's classic. And when I say check it, you can, right here for free.

-Tame One of Artifacts fame (but who has been ever-present since their salad days) comes with his best solo offering to date with Acid Tab Vocab. The name isn't a play on words, Tame One drops the mad drug references throughout the entire piece, including some hilarious sound bites and movie drops. Guest spots, mainly Aesop Rock on "Molly" and Del on "Ooops", really shine. But Tame also adds some personal introspection on his past and future on tracks like "Suede Adidas" and goes after Hip Hop fakeness on "Hip Hop Action Figure." Check the video "Anxiety Attacks."

-Grand corporate eatery/fun time emporium/tourist trap ESPN Zone is pulling out of Downtown Denver due to the economy. So the heads in Bristol say, but the SG thinks different. ESPN Zone wasn't exactly cheaply priced, did little advertising, and never seemed to offer up any special events. A UFC fight, 2 for 1s, alumni watch parties, radio tie-ins, bus rides to and from Bronco games? The crowd was mainly tourists from the nearby hotels, not the beer guzzling diehards from around the metro who make the LoDo bars their destination. So what will move into the empty space? The Tilted Kilt, basically the Irish Hooters. Just what Denver needs- another force fed, manufactured "Irish" bar. I can remember my kinfolk extolling our Irish heritage and telling stories of yesteryear of sporting Britney Spears-like school girl outfits and slanging over-priced brew to leering 20 somethings. Erin go brahhhhhhhhhh.

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Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Brother Marquis

Cars drive by with the booming system
I must be getting old cause the bass sounds ridiculous...

Some ahole said that Monday's 13 inning loss to the Dodgers could be a hurtful one, as it taxed the bullpen. Enter our hero Jason Marquis, who made quick work of Torre's La-Las with a masterful two hit complete game.

Masterful might be a big adjective to throw around, but Marquis' game was nothing sort of it. He rarely went to full counts, didn't walk a batter, and threw a stingy 86 pitches. LA fans were baffled by the 2 hour plus affair.

In the game's pivotal moment Marquis delivered a two out, two run single to effectively put the game out of reach. This was after Carlos Gonzalez failed miserably to deliver previous to Marquis. If one didn't know what their field roles were, you'd say Marquis was the agile center fielder.

10 wins with a start or two more before All-Star rosters are announced, Marquis should go scoop up a Fodors Travel Guide for St Louis. If Charlie Manuel doesn't select him they need to check if Manuel has been tipping the hooch.

But here in SG Land we love the 10 wins, the quick work, the deft plate work by Marquis. But really? The best part? The stache. Marquis went right past the 70s and is rocking the 1920s stache. That there is All-Star worthy alone.

RELATED: 2 Live Crew - "Move Something"