Monday, October 31, 2011

Orange Pumpkins

PROPS TREATS and DROPS TRICKS from the tandem blowouts this weekend that were the Buffs in the desert versus Arizona State and the Broncos at home versus the Lions:

TRICKS: Yep, Tim Tebow had a bad game. Check that, outside of the first drive and some garbage time, he was about as ineffective as you could be as an NFL QB. Let's not label as a hater r supporter, but the team around him and the play calling were just as wretched. Tebow doesn't play defense, he didn't let the Lion WRs roam nearly free in the backfield. He doesn't play linebacker, where Tony Scheffler and the Maurice Morris (Maurice Morris? Really? How many of you pick him up in your fantasy league as a desperation back at some poin the last few years?) had their way. He doesn't play WR, where DeMaryius Thomas played as inspired as a pothead the day after 420. He doesn't call the plays, which in a tricky scheme, they simply reversed last week and threw on 1st down and ran on second. Face it folks, the QB is bad, but the whole team is too.

TRICKS: There might be a little more light shed on the Jim Schwartz douche-ness factor. Nice coiffed salt and pepper hair and trimmed goatee. Mirrored shades, yep. Shades stay on when the sun went behind the stands. Was this guy a coach or the guy hanging at the Chili's Happy Hour?

TREATS: Calvin Johnson was one of the best lpayers I ever saw live in college, and it looks like the Megatron moniker is well served (outside of the whoel robot-bent-on-evil-domination thing.) He made Champ Bailey look like a chump on his TD; and his size is just impressive.

TRICKS: As cool as the "Tebowing" thing was last week (hell, my two year old was doing it) we all knew it would become officially played this weekend. Yes, you sacked the QB or scored a TD, time do do some Tebowing. On to the next one, "Slushy Guttering", where you lie on the ground after consuming too much alcohol (aka "passing out")

TRICKS: Buff backup QB Nick Hirschman got a start after we were lead to believe Tyler Hansen was out with a concussion, yet there was Hansen in the game in the 2nd quarter. Why f*ck around and not just start Hansen? Did we think Hirschman would be Kordell Stewart and peg the Buffs to a three score lead? You're messing with a college kid by yanking him after a few series and messing with Hansen's health by sending him out there to get moshed.

TREATS: A lone bright spot for CU was starting RB Tony Jones, who has run hard and showed some speed and moves. The New Jersey back will have every opportunity to be a three year feature back after Rodney Stweart graduates. Plus I can scream "Jerssssey" and annoy everone through 2015.

TRICKS: The new ASU logo might seem cool now, but it will look real dated in a just a couple years. I think it looks more suited to someone's Affliction t-shirt rather than a football helmet. Hey, maybe Jim Schwartz has one.

TREATS: Throughout the game we heard ASU players comment on how much they hated honoree coach Frank Kush. Include one football coach named Jack Elway among those with the hatred, so much so he spread the contempt to his son John. The coach in Baltimore when Elway was pegged to be the top pick and Baltimore had it? One Frank Kush. Thank You for being an asshole, Frank.

RELATED: KRS-One - "Duck Down" - ("Leo the Lion, MC's they be cryin")

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Thursday, October 27, 2011

Bathroom Bar Art #7

FOUND BY: Commish CH
WHERE: Downtown Louisville, Colorado.

Add your captions and comments in the 'Comments' section.


Monday, October 24, 2011

Miami Heist

PROPS and DROPS from the Buffs' blow out loss to the Ducks and the Broncos' miracle win in Miami:

PROPS: Wanted: A hypnotist to work with local professional football quarterback. Repsonsibilities include hypnotizing said QB into thining that first 55 minutes of football game is actually teh last five minutes. Please apply with with Denver Broncos, Dove Valley, Colorado. To say that Tim Tebow's first three quarters of football was horrid is a disservice to thw word 'horrid'. He had more good passes to dudes in Bronco/Dolphin polo shirts than to actual Bronco WRs. But there he was in the last two drives looking like Fran Tarkenton Jr (minus the cheesy hosting role on "That's Incredible!") Yes, the Bronco brain trust didn't actually let him loose with the vanilla game plan, but what do expect, they only had two weeks to prepare.

DROPS: Let's remember that this was the Miami Dolphins that we are talking about here. They have a QB named Matt Moore, dropped at least five passes, play in a half empty stadium, and have a coach who will soon be appearing as an analyst rather than a football coach.

PROPS: Lost in the Tebow hysteria was Matt Prater's flawless onside kick execution. The bounce he got on that would make a professional foursquare player blush. Yes, the Dolphin player dropped it, but the hangtime allowed the Donk players to converge on him and dislodge the rock. Far out theory on the bounce: that field in Miami is one of two in the NFL that is shared with baseball; the field is a bit harder and compact due to the use of the turf.

PROPS: Was there not a person in the known football universe that thought the Broncos would do anything but run Tebow on the 2pt conversion? Why even bother covering the spread WRs? You have a great chance Tebow wouldn't be able to get the ball to an uncovered WR on the sideline.

DROPS: Is there anything worse than a blowout score where you only have 2 points? It just screams "our snapper screwed up at some point and gave up a safety." But alas, the Buffs got their 2 points and were spared the humiliation of a shutout, because you know they haven't been humiliated all season.

PROPS: I saw no dropoff with the Ducks backup QB in the game, rather he looked quicker and more agile than their normal starter. Depth, that's what good/great teams have. Point fingers at Dan Hawkins or whoever, but the Buffs depth is non-existant. You have guys playing in positions they've never played, walk ons everywhere, and injured players struggling to play.

PROPS: Former SG winner Juck joked all day that "we need to build around our kicking game." After seeing Buff punter Darragh O'Neill punt a billion times, that's not reallty a wacky concept. It could be argued he is one of the team's best players, and that when he punts he puts the opposing offense in a position to be less-than-successful. Recruit the defensive players to keep the offense at bay and a power running game to go with it and you have a winner! There you go Embree, us drunks solved your entire dilemna.

DROPS: CU becomes the second BCS team (Indiana) to be eliminated from the post season. Throw all the jokes about not missing Shreveport or Albuquerque, but even those bowls are looking so far off now. Sad day when we miss the Weedeater Bowl.

RELATED: Tim Dog - "Step To Me"

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Thursday, October 20, 2011

Occupy Slushy Gutter

We recently caught up with the leader of the ongoing Occupy Slushy Gutter movement and asked a few questions. Some snippets:

CH: What exactly does Occupy Slushy Gutter want?

OSG: We're tired of these lackluster teams in Colorado. Broncos, Rockies, Buffs. Hell the Nuggets don't even have enought players if they ever start. So we're staying right here until something is done.

CH: Right here...on a blog that is read by barely anyone, you're "occupying" it?

OSG: We figured there might some residual beers. A couple dudes like Wu Tang. Plus, they kind of discourage this type of thing everywhere else.

CH: The other day when I was backing out of the driveway, one of your guys was crapping in my front yard.

OSG: Yeah, sorry about that. That Chinese joint down the way was giving him some problems.

CH: What about the Rapids, they did win the MLS Cup.

OSG: In that case, the Maple Elementary Mathletes won the Math Olympics too.

CH: Are you using social media to advance this movement?

OSG: I did reconnect with this skank from high school. That ended up well for me.

CH: Has the move to Tim Tebow affected your followers?

OSG: We made a statue of him out of the spare beer cups and Twizzler wrappers. There's a group of the occupiers who chant and pray around him now.

CH: The Avs are off to a great start, does that play into your strategy?

OSG: Does Patrick Roy still play for them?

CH: No.

OSG: Well then we're protesting their use of ice for other than in my beer cooler.

CH: Fight the power.

OSG: Most of my heroes don't appear on no stamp! When do you think that beer is coming round?

RELATED: Jungle Brothers - "How You Want It?" - ("Occupy world-wide...")


Monday, October 17, 2011

Seattle Slew

PROPS and DROPS from the Buffs' dismantling at the hands of the Huskies and the Broncos bye week:

-DROPS: The book is out on the Buffs and it has been shortened to a brochure, actually it is a piece of paper the size of a fortune cookie paper: pass the ball. The Buff defensive backfield is so decimated by injuries, suspensions, and general crappy play that any sembelance of a passing game will work. Yes, valuable experience is being gained by the players that are back there. Really? Is it valuable experience to see tight ends and receivers 10 yards away from anything in Black and Gold? Washington QB Keith Price, Sean Price, Price Is Right, shit, muthafucking Bob Barker could've thrown for 200 yards on Staurday.

-DROPS: The list of Buff playmakers is already pretty short (see fortune coookie size listed above) and now the news that RB Rodney Stewart is out for some time and the defense's best Player Doug Rippy is lost for season. More freshmen and that "valuable" experience.

-PROPS: The Buffs' offense played halfway decent in the game, especially RB Tony Jones and Keenan Canty. Jones showed some burst and is a bit more physical than Stewart, however the Buffs have to be drooling over a back like UW's Chris Polk, a large bruising back more in the mold of Chris Brown. The smaller backs fill the Buff roster, so recruiting must address the bigger back need.

-DROPS: Everyone has that "go to" play in Madden or EA College Football that they know will get them the yards they need. For Buff OC Eric Bienemy that play is the screen pass. How other teams haven't keyed on the play is a marvel of scouting.

-PROPS: You figure the with the Donks BYE week that there would be some hardcore coaching sessions with Tim Tebow and the staff. But thanks to the new CBA there is no contact allowed between players and coaches. Did the staff leave Timmy a plate of cookies and a stack of plays with little notes ("Tim: this is a good play :) - Foxy") that he could study all week?

RELATED: Sean Price - "Figure Four"

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Thursday, October 13, 2011

NBA: The 'A' is for 'Absent'

You got beef than holla,
My crew sticks together like Richy and Dollar...

It's looking more and more like we're not going to have an NBA season (which is bad news for all three of the SG readers. Less basketball means less to talk about in the winter "doldrum" months which means more rambling about beer or even less content. On second thought, that may be a good thing.)

With D Stern (I like calling him that, sounds like a early 90's conscious rap group. "Yo you check the knowledge Dstern was droppin on "Lessons of a Rebel"? Yo, homeboy goes after it!") cancelling the first two weeks of the season, it deprives me of the Melo visit to the Pepsi Center. Quite possibly that visit would've been the most reviled return in Denver sports history. Booing. Lots of booing. Maybe some Tiger-like hot dogs thrown on the floor. Lots of dudes with old "15" Nugget jersies covered with duct tape that read cheesy things like "traitor" or "Jello" or "Tebow." (I own three Carmelo jersies, so good chance I would be in the duct tape and Sharpie crowd. Probably would've went with "Mr. LaLa" on mine.) Hot ticket indeed.

In all it's probably a good thing for Melo, as the longer he stays away from Denver (at this point he might not return to our fair state until Spring 2013) the easier it will be for Denver fans to forget him and his act last year. Alas, there'll be knuckleheads like the SG to remind you to keep that duct tape handy.

RELATED: Gravediggaz - "Dangerous Minds" - ("face full of duct tape")


Monday, October 10, 2011

Timmy Time

PROPS and DROPS from the Buffs’ big loss to Andrew Luck and Stanford and the Broncos and Tim Tebow’s last second loss to the Chargers:

PROPS: One of the Orange Company lines about Kyle Orton and Tim Tebow was that a switch to Tebow would “lose the locker room.” Didn’t look that way yesterday from the comfort of the living room. The energy level when the Tebow comeback began was infectious; offensive lineman celebrating, the sideline abuzz, Tebow and players screaming at each other to urge themselves on. And the defense for the most part with the mindset of “we gotta get this guy the ball back” is not something you see with Kyle Orton and his straight vanilla style and leadership.

DROPS: The personal foul call on DJ Williams trends on basketball when you can’t call that at that time. It was a reaction to a pretty hard shove from a Charger player and then you see Williams throw up his hands. The flag was more for the throwing up of hands which nearly implicates “I’m guilty” in today’s NFL. For the “foul is a foul” contingent, then call the blatant pass interference on the Hail Mary on the last play.

PROPS: Tebow had more moves than the Solid Gold dancers on the last play of the game. There were spins, half steps, sprints, hands above heads. Was that a football play or some Tekken fighting moves?

DROPS: Oooooh, did you see Phillip Rivers menacing glare into the South Stands after his touchdown run? Was he glaring at the dude in the fifth row who put ketchup on his hot dog?

PROPS: Tebow and Knowshon Moreno both played their TD screen pass perfectly. Tebow drew in the rush and got the pass off at the last instant, then Moreno followed his blocks perfectly for the first down and then TD. His running through of the Chargers safety probably won’t gain that dude any dap in the San Diego film room.

PROPS: Well let’s just say it now: Andrew Luck lived up to all the hype. He’s ready to be the top NFL pick and most likely start right away in the right situation. Against a Buff defense he looked so relaxed and poised, like he knew he could almost play ¾ speed. Easy to think that way when CU is playing converted WRs, freshmen, and Ralphie Handlers at defensive back. His strikes are comparable to one Aaron Rodgers and his football know-how can be Peyton Manning-like.

DROPS: For all his accolades, Luck has to lose the beard. He looks like Dwight Schrute's farmhnd on "The Office."

DROPS: You really can’t say there was a “turning point” in a 40 point loss, but the Buffs were trailing 13-7 when Stanford was driving. A tipped Luck pass was picked off by Terrel Smith and the Buffs took over. Rather than trying anything to sustain a drive and take a little time, the Buffs promptly go 3 and out, punt badly, allow a nice return and Stanford has the ball deep in Buff territory. Game over.

DROPS: Mrs Commish: “Is that Tiger Woods?” Me: “Yep.” Mrs Commish: “Is he looking for hoes down on the sideline?”

DROP/PROPS: In a strange convergence the Buffs and Donks met this weekend with everyone in predominantly Orange wanting Luck to in the draft. However, this Tebow thing has everyone in Dove Valley worrying he’ll get them 3-4 more wins and falling to the 5-10 pick and inevitably blowing it.

RELATED: Luckyiam f/ Aceyalone & Slug - "For You"

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Thursday, October 06, 2011

Orange You Glad

Follow me into a solo, get in the flow
and you can picture like a photo...

The Broncos announced after NFL approval that they will switch back to Orange for their home jersey. They SG weighs in:

-Will it be the orange of the old school Broncos that more resembled the curtain at your elementary school auditorium? Or the new sleek Reebok orange that is all shiny and Fast and Furious-like? Or will it match the fur of Alf?

-Tim Tebow's new jersey will be interspersed with the orange wing strands of a Monarch butterfly and fine silks blessed bythe rulers of a distant Far Eastern kingdom.

-Why not bring back some other older Denver traditions? Who remembers the Bronco nine-piece band that had a little cubby hole cut out in the northeast corner of the old South Stands? Those dudes could rock "Mack The Knife" like no other.

-Somewhere when the annoncement back to orange was made, Ricky Nattiel broke down and wept. He felt vindicated and loved.

-The team had to petition the NFL and they had to approve it (did Joe Ellis write on some loose leaf paper: 'Can we switch to orange? Check this box!' with a Crayola marker?) Such red tape for a simple move. The government would be proud.

-Somewhere in Colorado there's some dude with a tattoo that references Denver and "Blue Forever" who is pouring over laser removal ads.

-In all seriousness, if you are going to switch to orange, it's time to get rid of the 'Dragon Horse' logo too. Switch back to the old school 'D' but keep the navy blue helmet color. As Norm Peterson once said, "did I tell you I programmed myself to dream about your colors last night?"

-Good move to switch back, I mean four Super Bowl losses sure beat two Super Bowl wins.

RELATED: Ice-T - "Colors"


Monday, October 03, 2011

Lambeau Weak

PROPS and DROPS from the Buffs collapse versus Wasshington State and the Packers dismantling of the Broncos:

DROPS: There's not a ton of advanced break down you can do for the Donk-Pack game (and if you were looking for that, you damn sure wouldn't be on this blog.) The Pack and Aaron Rodgers are just that much better right now. Yes, the turnovers were costly (any shot, and that was tiny, of a comeback went bye-bye with Daniel Fells TO inside the five) and the running game never got any legs to keep Rodgers and Co off the field. But Rodgers looked like he was playing a video game versus the Denver D.

PROPS: Why does everyone assume that Aaron Rodgers championship belt celebration is a large boxing type belt? Maybe it's a snakeskin joint? Or a red glossy type from the 80s? Or maybe a Clampett style rope.

DROPS: Jon Embree talked after the late collapse how he and the staff are tired of losing after five weeks and he can't understand how the players aren't either. As a coach, it is his job to get the players in a position to win. His strange call (I know it wasn't his call, but he is the boss, his staff made the call) on 3rd and 10 with 1:55 in the game to pass the ball didn't get the Buffs into the winning position. At that point, Wazzu had no time outs, so a run would've bled 50 seconds off the clock. Wazzu still would've got the ball back, but with 45-50 seconds left. When the time is that slim, the sense of urgency usually leads to a starange panic and bad things can happen.

DROPS: Anyone catch the girl diving across a row of people to get a piece of the Lambeau Leapers? I'm sure she was sober. On second thought, she had better leaping ability than the Donks WR corps.

PROPS: AJ Hawk, Clay Matthews: the hair to be part of the American Gladiators cast?

PROPS: Rodney Stewart and the CU OL seem to be gelling, albeit it was versus a PAC-12 bottom feeder. The holes were substantial and the Cougar players were gasping for air after being pushed most of the game. it would've been a nice story if the Buffs had won, perhaps a blueprint for the rugged schedule that follows: control the ball on the ground and keep the Potent Andrew Luck, Oregon, USC offenses on the sideline.

PROP/DROP: Jason Espinoza and Brian Lockridge were Buff offensive players a couple weeks back, with injuries they were lining up and contributing at defensive back versus WSU. Lockridge even had a key sack late in the game. Yet the winning TD pass was completed against a senior safety and freshman defensive back. Where was the "way back" third safety on that play? 63 yards? Hell, you can have Rashaan Salaam's MJ dealer chilling 40 yards back with teh only reason being to stop big plays like that.

DROPS: When some late night guru is peddling "how to coach football" tapes (yeah, VHS tapes. Because those type of dudes only know old school tapes in VCRs larger than a Fiat.) and they have the onside kick demo, just throw on the Packers onside kick. Executed to perfection from the kick by Mason Crosby to the blocks, to the recovery. The Broncos were helpless on that play; they couldn't have recovered if they had 12 players, the Stanford band, Vince Lombardi's family, and Laverne and Shirley on the field.

DROPS: Is Paul Richardson hitting a wall or are defenses keying on him? It is definitely the latter, combined with the other WRs not exactly playing the Robin role to his Batman. Toney Clemons has his moments and Tyler McCullough looks like a freshman, while the TE game was horribly absent from the gameplan on Saturday. Richardson's late fumble might've been just him being tired from being double teamed all day.

RELATED: House of Pain f/ Guru - "Fed Up"

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