Friday, April 30, 2010


Hot/popular/trendy song comes out. Every known artist in the Hip Hop Universe does their own "freestyle" over said song's beat. Said beat gets extremely played out. Said beat has Lil' Boner and Young Pinky Dick with wack "freestyles" that further sully the beat.

That's usually the way it works in today's Hip Hop game. Lloyd Bank's "Beamer Benz Bentley" beat is no exception. Until Slaughterhouse's "Shady Megamix" over it pop my eardrums recently. As per usual, Joell kills it with his "Nissan Honda Chevy" verse, and Joe Budden does his thing as well. Peep it:

SLAUGHTERHOUSE - "Beamer Benz Bentley" mix


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Dante's Peak

You can call me R&B homeys, which stands for rough brother...

Last night Dante Bichette was recognized at the Rockies' game, the 15th anniversary of his Coors Field Game #1 dramatic home run. Some thoughts:

-Holy crap I wish there was someway, somehow, anything, that this blog game was around in the mid 90s when Dante was playing for the Rox. Can I use Uncle Rico's time machine? Dante would've been prime fodder in the SG damn near everyday. Hell, I'd make him the fourth pillar of the crap we talk about around here: Colorado Sports, Hip Hop, Beer, and Dante's Cartoon Life. Look at the guy back then- a greasy mullet, overweight, moody, didn't hustle...he was a cross between 'Eastbound And Down' and softball guy. My head is spinning between the thoughts of being able to crack on him everyday and the time machine that would bring me back there to enjoy the Splinters $1 game day drafts (old schoolers remember) and rock some Carhart hoody.

-That being said, Dante was a solid player who probably benefitted more from Coors Field pre-humidor more than any player in the short Rox history. He arguably was the 1995 NL MVP (Barry Larkin? Really?) However, Dante left alot on the table as a player. Mainly because he didn't leave alot on the table at meal time. He was overweight througout his Denver days, looking like he only used the weight room when the regular drinking fountain was broke. Dante was the poster boy for the 90s beer-guzzling slugger not named John Kruk. If Dante hit the weights, conditioning, and nutrition the way he hit the Coors Light, he probably would've batted 15 points higher, hit 10 more dingers and 20 more RBIs, and improved his defense.

-I was at that memorable game with Dante's winning homerun and it was cold as crap. I also remember the cold weather and newness (re: ushers not really looking out for anything) allowed me to fit an entire 12 pack of Red Dog into my coat. Red Dog, of the infamous "red" beer craze of the mid-90s.
-Dante might've not took the game of baseball all too serious, and the reason why might be foosball. Yes, foosball. Say it again, foosball, the tavern game that most of us outgrow in college or young adulthood. Dante was all about foosball when he was in Colorado. Dante eschewed the barbells and batting cages for trips to the pizza joint to do all those lame spins and tricks that the real good players employ (that pizza joint was the exact same place a young Commish frequented in high school and played foosball. Somehow, that joint became a gathering place for all the serious and "rated" foosball players over the years) while chomping on 'za and bread branches. Hard to say if his foosball prowess helped his wrist speed, but it didn't help his waist line.

-Years into retirement Dante is looking very retired. Shorn head, more overweight, and rocking some fly 1992 Oakley wrap-arounds. If Dante showed up at your door and said he was in the neighborhood aerating lawns for $20 would you be surprised?

-Someone can't get Larry Walker a Rockies jersey to wear? Dude shows up in a Canada sweatshirt and a Canucks hat. Yes, we know, you're Canadian. You also won th e97 MVP as a Rockie, not a Vancouver Whitecap.

RELATED: KMD - "Peachfuzz" - ("...succumb one to crumbs and pizza crust")


Monday, April 26, 2010

Salt Fake City

Ask me now, I'm the artist, but hardcore, my science for pain
I spent time in the game, kept my mind on fame...

A lost weekend in Utah and your Denver Nuggets are coming home a beaten, downtrodden team. Their point guard has suddenly morphed into an aging icon. The power forward and his attitude look like a pussy cat in comparision to his Jazz counterparts. The center looks like a mere gnat versus the clumsy, ogre-like Jazz fill-in center. Meanwhile, the Jazz point guard arguably looks like the best player in the postseason not named LeBron James.
Finger pointing. Lack of effort. Ill-advised shots. Team work. No defense for long stretches. Chants of "Denver sucks" from the Utah crowd. A coaching staff and acting head coach that looks completely over their head. A Jazz team very apt to taking charges (or at least selling it) without looking too much like a soccer player. Someone even said the DN Dancers are looking a little plump (think Utah has emerged from their "prude" stereotype? Check out their dancers outfits? More fabric than a tent factory.)
That loud shut? Was it the Nuggets' window of opportunity in the Western Conference? Whispers of "breaking up" the team are being bantered about. Could Melo soon be gone from our town and plying his wares in a Nets or Knicks uni? More muscle coming in, more flair moving out.
Suddenly the lost weekend is back at a Mile High and has come down to a one night stand. Three one night stands? Most likley not, and be ready for the lost weekend becoming the lost off-season.
RELATED: Souls of Mischief - "That's When Ya Lost"


Friday, April 23, 2010

Tim Has Cometh

The pitter patter you heard on your roof this morning? Not rain, it was God's tears of joy that Tim Tebow is coming to Colorado.
College football's most celebrated and hated player is a Denver Bronco, soon to be arriving at Denver International Airport, where his first order of business will be to transform the equally divisive "Demon Horse" into a whimsical unicorn that will be celebrated by all.
All of Tebow's interviews last night with Jeremy Schapp? They've already been forever emblazoned on a bronze plaque and hung in Dove Valley. Tebow said he doesn't care what number the Donks give him, yet by the end of this month there'll be more Tebow jerseys in Denver than Tulos. Each one will be sewn with Tebow's golden hair, with a matching strand donated to help bring high speed internet to poor rural areas.
Tebow's new teammates might be skeptical of him as soon as he steps in the locker room for mini camp #1, but once they get a taste of the coconut macaroons he baked and left in each of their lockers, they'll be on board. Other QBs might be annoyed by his presence in the film room, until Tebow sees something on film in the Kansas City defense that also leads to the solving of JFK's assassination and that the Big Foot film was actually a guy in a Halloween costume.
Fans at tailgates at Invesco will debate Tebow ad naseum in the Fall, but they won't see Tebow helping the Boy Scouts after the game collecting their discarded aluminum cans. McHoody might have to look a few extra seconds to insert Tebow into a game because he might be helping the DPD difuse a near fight between two fans. And when Tebow scores that first touchdown, he'll hand the ball back to ref, but there also be a Olive Garden gift card thanking the ref for his hard work.
You have woke up today, and simply by Tebow being a player on the Denver Broncos football team, you are a better person. When you take your boss and co-workers to lunch today and they thank you; when you bring your wife some flowers; after your kid gets done with a hearty extra scoop of ice cream, tell them "don't thank me, thank Tim Tebow."
RELATED: Tim Dog - "Step To Me"


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I Am A Genius I Mean This

After the initial shock yesterday of the passing of Gangstarr's Guru and the strange letter and relationships (both strained and unknown) he had, I spent most of the day focusing on the man's music.

What struck me more than his signature montone style, diverse range of topics, ability to unbelievably mesh with Premier's beats, and his decade long run of relativity, was that each of his albums, songs, hell, even verses took me back to people, times, and realtionships in my own life.

From 1989 to 1998, Gangstarr stayed relavent in the Hip Hop game. This is nearly unfathomable in today's rap game. (Their 2003 release The Ownerz had its moments- mainly the Jadakiss featured "Rite Where U Stand" but it was an abrupt end to the Gangstarr era.) Like mainy real Hip Hoppers, those 11 years were formative in my life.

I can remember the entire summer of 1992 constantly saying "lemonade was a popular drink"
and it seemed damn near everyone knew what the hell I was talking about (to this day, that might be my favorite verse in Hip Hop history.) "The Militia" and Guru's verse rang throughout 98. Breaking down the album version of "Just To Get a Rep" versus the video version where Shorty comes back for his revenge in 1991. Being introduced to Jeru in 92's "I'm The Man" and two years later on "Speak Ya Clout." Guru talking relationships on "Ex Girl to the Next Girl" might've spoke to everyone whose gone through a breakup, while the "Above The Clouds" seems to relax you everytime it came on in 1998. Way back in 89, wondering who was this cat with "The Words I Manifest" with the crazy hat and precise lyrics.

"The rhyme style is elevated" bellows the intro to "You Know My Steez" and it rings true, as Guru elevated his rhymes each outing, but never drastically strayed from the formula that made him a real Hip Hip icon...RIP.

RELATED: Gangstarr - "The Militia"


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Boyle-ing Point

Cause we are answerin, any brothers that've been
On the dick swingin, and straight gatherin ...

Tad Boyle, late of the Northern Colorado Bears, was introduced as the newest coach of the CU Men's Basketball program:
--Headline writers and dorks bloggers like me already love one thing about him: his name. First CU loss by a basket: "Buffs A Tad Off". Buffs get into the rankings for the first time in years: "Tad Poll!" Buffs get a key victory: ""Oh! Boyle Rules!" It rolls off the lips, sounding like the name of some dude in purple overalls who sings catchy tunes to your four year old.
--Buff Athletic Director Mike Bohn's last three hoops hires: Air Force's Jeff Bzdelik, Division II Metro State's Linda Lappe, and Boyle. Either Mike doesn't want to put many miles on his rig or has a really crappy frequent flier program. Notice to the football coaches at small Colorado schools at Fort Lewis, School of Mines, Mesa State, Western State, and all points in between: keep your resume polished.
--Buff fans get the rap of being casual, laid back, and indifferent to their sports. All too often, that is a gross misrepresentation. We are a savvy bunch with an especially good memory. Boyle was a Colorado high school standout in the 80's who snubbed the Buffs to play for Kansas, and many of the fanbase has not forgot that fact. He was roundly booed each of his trips to Boulder. Boyle was still trying to soothe fans' vitriol 25 years later by saying he "made a mistake." To remind everyone how long ago that was and that he is a different man, he wore one of those Michael Jackson zipper jackets.
--Boyle immediately inherits a talented Buff team that many expect to challenge for a NCAA berth. However, carpetbagger coach Bzdelik's lack of recruiting a big man could hamper the Buffs in the rugged Big 12. Boyle will have to hit the road hard to land one or two quality bigs to man the paint at Coors. Throw in players learning a new system and we could have another 8th to 12th place finish. Yes, Boyle looks like he uphold the fine tradition of Buffalo Basketball.
--Boyle is from Greeley and all of us non-Greeleyites love to make fun of the town for smelling like shit. Note to non Coloradoans: we don't say it smells like shit as hyperbole, we say that because it literally smells like shit. Rendering plans fill the air with a foul stench; although I am told that they have improved the odor over the years. When I was in college I reminded a girl on my floor whose boyfriend went to UNC that Greeley smells like crap. She retorted that doesn't mean that he smells like shit too. Ah yes, and there is CU Basketball's new tagline: Tad Boyle: He Doesn't Smell Like Crap.
RELATED: A Tribe Called Quest: "Check The Rhime" - ("A tidbit, um a smidgeon...")


Sunday, April 18, 2010

ATL No-iens

Been spit in the face

But the rhymes keep fittin'

Respects been givin' how's ya livin'

Rockies' fans had to wonder if they would be forever matched with Padres and Mets' fans as the franchises that have never had a no-hitter (it is still hard to believe the New York Mets, in their ballpark(s) through fifty years don't have a no-no. Hey, fahgetaboutit.) In the back of our minds we thought that some fourth or fifth no-name might be able to get to the 7th or even the 8th with no hits, but a no-hitter? This franchise, so synonymous with pitching ineptitude, a no hitter?

Enter Ubaldo.

It wasn't a masterpiece, he had his moments of not only losing the no-no, but losing the game. But in the end: goose eggs (has anyone ever had a goose egg? Why are zeros "goose eggs"? Is it too goofy for an announcer to say "chicken eggs"? "Well, Bob, the final result of the Dick Head University offense was a big fat chicken egg.") Ubaldo was lights out from the fifth inning, still reaching high nineties 120+ pitches into the ninth inning. Of course better be buying Dexter Fowler more than a plate of Georgia BBQ after the game. Hell, he better send a "escort" named Georgia to his room.

This will dim the hurt of the Rox being no-hit twice in one year by Hideki Nomo and Al Leiter (Al Leiter? F you and the Marlins. I was in Florida a couple weeks after that no hitter and the Marlins and their 9500 fans were celebrating it like Ponce De Leon had returned to turn South Beach into a city of gold.) It will propel Ubaldo to being the early-early-early All Star starter, although Jim Tracy might want to figure a way to get some extra rest before his next start. Whatever way it shakes out, the Rockies are out of the no no-no club.

RELATED: Nore - "Nothin"


Thursday, April 15, 2010

Orange Vanilla

War of the masses, the outcome, disastrous
Many of the victim family save they ashes...

Add another color to the Broncos' uniforms this fall: vanilla, because with the trade of Brandon Marshall (Marshall in Miami. Nice to see him in a Marlins hat at a Heat game right off the bat. Nice, Brandon. I hope you get attacked by a band of retirees for not wearing a white belt) and impending move of Tony Scheffler, this offense will make paint drying seem like a techo rave.
(Orange and vanilla is sort of a Creamsicle-like color. Creamsicle never got it's proper dap in the day did it? It was some refreshing summer day goodness but not as low post as a normal popsicle. Rocking a Creamsicle was kind of a big 'f you' to normal frozen concentrate treats.)

Take a look at the Donk offense. Keep looking. Are you sleeping yet? I always go back to the "waiver wire" factor with offenses. That is if there are dudes on the offense who are consisitently on your fantasy league's waiver wire, then you have problems. It isn't just a couple guys on the wire from the Broncos, but the whole damn offense. Worse yet, I play in a 16 player league where all you need is a pulse to be carried on some chump's roster.

The receiving corps are akin to the 1994 Knicks with Jabar Gafney and Eddie Royal leading the way. I can't believe I said either of those dudes are "leading" in anything. Tight end? Gotta give it up for hometown guy Dan Graham, but this ain't 2001 and that ain't Nebraska. QB? Yeah, you know the names. Running back has already broke down Moreno and some other dudes. "But, it's the Patriot system" the supporters say. Even the Patriot system has Tom Brady, while the Donks have players more akin to Tom Arnold. Oh sorry, did you drift off while you were readin those names?

The upcoming NFL Draft might provide some release, but will McD pull the trigger on another offensive skill player in the top half of the first round? Remember this defense is aging, the offensive line needs upgrades on the right side, and other teams might offer up a slew of bad ass hoodies for the Donk pick. Preferably vanilla colored.

RELATED: Hi-C - "I'm Not Your Puppet" - ("... I'm about to go back to sleep.")


Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Drop Zone

Straighten out what I be about, reckon above the clout
And let the management work for me
Because I don't need the unnecessary hostility...

The Commishs attended the Nugs home finale last night, and while the Nuggets captured a much-needed win to set up a big matchup with the Suns tonight, I have one simple request for the team. No, not to play their asses off tonight, to play Birdman more minutes, to find a suitable four player complement to Ty Lawson (regarding Lawson: most creative use of duct tape, Sharpie, and an Allen Iverson #3 TJ Maxx $7.99 clearance jersey was on display last night), for JR to play with consistency. My simple request?

End the damn t-shirt drops at the Pepsi Center.

Want to see people absolutely wig out over free schwag? I mean just go fucking out of their minds? Like imagine those clips you see of the ladies in the 1960s crying over the Beatles and multiply that by the crowds at Wal Mart on Black Friday. To the point that they are clobbering each other with elbows, falling over seats, spilling their (and your) $7 drinks, jumping like they're Kareem in the center circle? Drop a "t-shirt" that could double as a disposable bib at Denny's from the ceiling.

A near melee broke out in our section in which the older gentlemen seated next to us out hustled and muscled a collection of wannabee gangsters, pregnant ladies, underage drinkers, visiting Euros, frat boy types, cougars, little kids, and "after work" guys for the coveted shirt that will undoubtedly be left for the Pepsi Center cleaning crew.

(Note to the young cat behind me: Just because his name is Rudy Gay doesn't mean that you can yell for him to perform fellatio on other males and to use homosexual slurs at him. Just saying.)

Either end the practice all together or up the ante and drop a something of more value, like say a coupon for a free small Burger King fries, and you'll see people go nutso like Mad Max in Thunderdome. That or sign Thelma from Commerce City to play power forward.

RELATED: Ludacris - "Southern Hospitality"


Sunday, April 11, 2010

Can't Spell Circus Without CU

Some wack crook stole my black book I know who took it...

I stopped by the Spring Game at CU yesterday and the one non-football item that stood out was a wirey dude bolting the stands, iPhone to his ear, moving like there was someplace to be. It was basketball assistant Steve McClain, and after I heard the buzz in the stands about coach Jeff Bzdelik about ready to head to Wake Forest, I knew why McClain was so frazzled.

That's the way things are in Boulder right now, as the AD approaches the near-comical levels of the Fairbanks era. The women's hoops team has no coach, as AD Mike Bohn appointed a committee to spearhead a coaching search. Committee? Mike, you're the boss, you pick the replacement. Save the committees for picking the theme of the Summer Formal. The only name to surface thus far is a Division II coach down the road at Metro. Remember, this is a Hoops program that just a few years back was a regular in the NCAA tourney. Not only a regular, but consistent wins in the tourney.

Down the hall is the bread winner, the once proud Football program, headed by a man who was, then wasn't fired this fall. We all know his shortcomings, as the list grows nearly every week. Check the Spring Game: Hawk credited the team with "spending alot of time" on their pre-game Haka dance. Haka huh? I'm all for college kids having fun, but maybe a 3-9 team should be spending more time on, you know, blocking, tackling, and kicking. (BTW, the kicking game in Boulder is laughable. The array of players trying to make FGs would even make Gary Barnett say "not only are they noodle legs, but they can't kick the ball through the uprights." And boy, they can't kick the ball through the uprights, not even near the uprights, barely in the same ZIP code as the uprights.) There were some good moments in the scrimmage, as it was spirited and the players generally preformed well. Perhaps the reason? Hawk didn't coach one lick in the game! The divided team was coached by two assistants while Hawk roamed the sidelines and end zones.

Finally, Jeff Bzdelik is bailing on the program he helped "build" (from a losing team, to a losing team, to a team one game under 500...such "building!") for the ACC. Coach Bz couldn't match wits with the coaches at Iowa State and Nebraska, now he gets Coach K and the ACC barrage of coaches? Good luck with that Bz. But the fact Bz would jump so quickly has an undertone of someone bailing on an AD, an entire University, and even a fan base that is quickly fragmenting and losing the punch they once had.

RELATED: Method Man - "The Riddler" - ("Lurking in the shadows of the city, he roll with jiggy,my crime committee...")


Thursday, April 08, 2010

No Kobe Points

Rickety Rocket was my favorite cartoon
After marriage the honeymoon

I'll be damn gag me with a spoon

Who loves Popeye? Alice the goon...

The Nuggets put together two of their grittiest victories of the season the last two nights. Wednesday they overcame a near quarter of no field goals to beat a very solid OKC team on the road, and tonight they let a big lead slip away to the Kobe-less Lakers before d'ing up late to pick up another 'W'. Anytime you win back-to-backs in the NBA (especially versus the caliber of teams they beat) it is a tremendous feat. (Props to JR Smith for becoming the Nugs' alltime 3pt leader, breaking the mark set by Michael Adams. Old schoolers fondly remember Michael Adams, his disgusting looking shot put jumper, his near single handily beating the Celtics in the Garden in 88. He arguably was the NBAs best small player of the late 1980s.) But the last two nights also provided two of the funniest moments of the year: Ron Artest getting rejected by the rim at the Pepsi Center. I'd like to see the iron credited with a block in the box score. Wednesday saw Carmelo sprawled prone on the floor while play went on like Wil E Coyote falling off a cliff or like he was trying to make Oklahoma snow men.


Every year a melodic, introspective, way under-the-radar Hip Hop release catches my ear, and in the first part of '10 that is Luke's The Dopeness. Inspired in part by the movie The Wackness, (a must see for any Hip Hopper who came up in the early 90s; the audio snippets from the film are some of the best) Luke weaves a tale of trying to figure out young adulthood. For us beyond that age, it is a great grounding tale of yesteryear. And for those still living in that age or still trying to figure it out, it speaks loudly. Beats are smooth, nothing hardcore, with some catchy hooks and nice lyrics abound. CHECK IT.

AC Golden Brewing, part of Coors but not really part of Coors, has released their new micro selection Colorado Native Lager. I had a chance to sample a couple bottles (got the last sixer at the store, perhaps the "natives were restless?" Heh? Heh? No? Sorry.) The taste is crisp, a decent beer, definitely a hoppy taste. The ingredients are 99.8% from the Box State, with only Jake Plummer's ball sweat providing the remaining .2%. Intersesting marketing ploy also comes with the beer, as a picture and text message of the bottle and the beer will "talk" to you. Hmm. I've had beers "talk" to me for years now, but only after about 12 or more. Slushy Gutter, indeed.

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Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Smooth Ice

Breath smelling like cinammon...

Since I jumped off the Avs bandwagon earlier in this decade, I'm not going to give you too much info and breakdown on the team (unlike the Rockies/MLB, where I advised the Brewers to buy some drapes. That's hard hitting there.)
However, I still have my worn out Adam Deadmarsh (the only player to ever have his name misspelled on the Stanley Cup. "Ooops, sorry about that Adam. We'll white it out for you with a sodering gun.") t-shirt and a small smidge of hockey know-how. Like many other once-passionate puck fans here in Colorado I've tuned in the last few games to check on the team all the mulleted freak experts (hello, Melrose) picked to finish last in the conference. And what do you know, this group of dog butt puckers is safely in the NHL playoffs.
Granted they're in as the #8 seed and will probably get their asses handed to them by the Sharks (I used to rock a San Jose Sharks hat in the early 90s. I couldn't tell you one player on the team then. I couldn't tell you more than on player on the team now not named after a North Metro Denver suburb now) in round one, but they are in regardlesss.
But what I see with this team is very talented youth: Matt Duchene especially, along with TJ Galiardi and Ryan O'Reilly, and the only Jamaican in the NHL, Chris Stewart, who looks more like a linebacker than a forward. (Galidari, O'Reilly, and Stewart? Didn't they handle your uncle's case when he fell off the bench at Elitch's and he tried to sue them?) Of course, you have crafty veterans in Milan Hedjuk and Adam Foote (is "crafty" a term that really means over-the-hill? Everytime I hear "crafty" associated with a player I think of Gary Payton in a Celtics uni pulling the jersey of whatever guard is scorching him down the court.) My trained eye tells me goalie may be the final piece. Craig Anderson is servicable (another term for "he'll do until something better comes along." Kind of like that girl in college you were banging until your main chick came back from her schoool that summer. Funny thing, you were also the "servicable" dude until her guy came back for summer too. Now don't you feel cheap?) but he looks worn out an incapable of stealing any games in the playoffs. If there's some young goalie in the Av pipeline, we could expect to see him as the Avs climb the ladder. Again, we're so hard hitting here at the SG but I really don't want to take the 30 second Google search to see who the young goalie is.
Ice, we're all about it here at the Slushy Gutter. As long as it's in my drink. (Side note: More hard hitting analysis: My favorite part of the NCAA Hoops Championship was the fact it was Duke versus Butler, because that sounds like a 1980's soap opera star. "Duke Butler." Can't you see Duke Butler trying to poison Blake Carrington or blowing up one of JR Ewing's oil rigs? That damn Duke Butler! When I broke down Duke Butler's mischievious, yet dashing and cunning ways to Mrs. Commish she simply asked "have you been drinking?")
(Another side note: I was going to name this post some takeoff of 'Ice Ice Maybe' or 'Ice Ice Stasny' but even 20 years later, I don't want to give that clown any dap.)

RELATED: King Sun - "Be Black" - ("Name one city. Uh, Jamaica.")


Monday, April 05, 2010

First For Rox

Just eat food, try not to be crude or rude,
Kill the attitude, chill the serious mood...

Hey! That's Game One in the books! We'll be undefeated this year!

-Carlos Gonzalez wins the "it's all over, he's the greatest!" contest that the media and fans heap on a player after one day. However, unlike most of the players that get that honor, Gonzalez might actually live up to the hype. His speed is just an intangible at the top of the lineup, and his approach at the dish seems more disciplined.

-Jerry Schemmel, formerly the Nuggets' announcer seems like he should ease into his new radio role. He did get a bit too giddy after a few early plays (calm down Jerry, it's a long year) and stumbled over a few calls, but all-in-all he did well. Replacing the ("ahem") retired Jeff Kingery shouldn't be too difficult for the talented Schemmel, as long as he doesn't get in any fights with Rockies' mascot Dinger (which Kingery did, but many people will actually cheer him for) or belittle a team bus driver (which Kingery also did.)

-Notice to guys at your work: we don't want to hear about your son's breakaway soccer goal when the Rockies are bringing in their first runs of the year. Unless your kid is David Beckham and he's banging all five Spice Girls in his post goal celebration, tell me after the game.

-Franklin Morales has all the talent, but he just can't seem to channel his emotions/jitters/peeing his pants into throwing the ball over the plate and past the batter. It really seems like closer Huston Street will not be pitching anytime soon, so Manager Jim Tracy must keep Morales on a short leash. Rafeal Betancourt could be waiting for his time to close.

-Someone buy some blinds or shades for Miller Park. Shit, hang some damn tapestries from the sunlight. Someone has to have an old Grateful Dead one from their chronic days.

RELATED: Busdriver - "Avantcore"


Friday, April 02, 2010

Wu Massacres Em

The newest Wu installment, Meth, Rae, and Ghost's Wu Massacre uses the same rough formula that Raekwon's OB4CL2 used in 09: hark back to the Wu heydey, bringing in Rza for some rugged beats, few guests and let 'er fly. And for the second straight release, it works. Now don't expect the raw grittiness of ""Tearz", "Shame On A N*gga", or even some Ironman ish; it is a bit more refined sound that makes this new Wu not sound like it is stuck in 1995. Right off the bat we're treated to two followups, "Criminology 2.5" (employing the same beat), and "Meth Versus Chef 2" where Rae and Meth don't quite "go at it" like Tical's original but come off regardless (including another "Ya Moms" battle at song's end - "ya mom's so short she model for trophies.")
The requisite radio-friendly track is the Rza produced "Our Dreams" which samples Michael Jackson. The joint's last track "That Wu Sh*t" takes off the classic "Make The Music" by Biz Markie over a sparse beat and usual head-scratching lyrics from Ghost.
The biggest highlight of the album has got to be Meth. Dude comes hard from start to finish in another moment that one day will rightfully put him in the discussion of greatest MCs ever. "I control mikes- Cus D'Amoto" he bellows on "Smooth Sailing."
If there's a complaint to be had it's that the album is woefully short- a half an hour in length with 12 tracks (two are skits.) Now that's fine if the album is titled Illmatic, when there's three high caliber MCs on one project, find space for some more joints.


Thursday, April 01, 2010

Elam Exit

So yeah I sampled your voice, you was usin it wrong
You made it a hot line, I made it a hot song...

Jason Elam has retired as a Donk and kudos to him for hanging them up. How many kickers bounce from team to team to team in their waning years? The list of kickers that teams bring in during the season on Tuesdays always seems to be the same handful of guys (kickers that some dork in your fantasy league accidentially drafted in the 13th round even though they were cut in camp. Then they clog up your waivers all freaking year.) It would be a shame to see Elam in that group the next few seasons.
Elam is one of the last links to the "glory years" that too many Donk fans still hang their hat on as if those late 90s still drive the team years later. Scary "I'm getting old moment": With Elam retired, Trevor Pryce is the only Bronco from the Super Bowl teams still playing. Dammit, I was going to draft Derek Loville this year.
And of course, Elam signed the ceremonial "one day contract" so he could retire as a Denver Bronco. Yes, because if he hadn't all we would remember all of his glory years in the Red and Black of the Atlanta Falcons. With times as tight as they are, do you think after the presser when Elam was loading up to head home the organization demanded he actually put in a full day's work, since it is a one day contract. Grease those weight benches, Elam. Shave McD's velcro-like dome, toss another bag of cheeseburgers to Jamal Williams, apply more adhesive to Knowshon's gloves, ensure Brandon Marshall is in a fast food wrapper-free zone.
RELATED: Run DMC - "King of Rock"