Friday, August 01, 2008

Learn Our History

Today is Colorado Day. On this day in 1876 Ulysses Grant signed a proclamation declaring Colorado a state. Let’s take a brief look of the history of Our Fair State for those of you not in the know.

Colorado was discovered in 1554 by Pat Bowlen, Shannon Sharpe, the skinny guy from Tag Team, and Dante Bichette. They had stumbled upon the state when they were on a cross-country trek to find the purest spring water available in the land.

When they arrived at what is now the Platte River in Central Denver, Dante called his distant cousin (via smoke signal) to meet them at the location. The cousins’s name? Adolf Coors. When Coors arrived, the five of them immediately brewed up a batch of ice cold smooooooooooth Coors Light. Unfortunatley, Dante was eaten by a wayward pack of wolves when he tried to eat them.
Soon word of the new invention spread throughout the land, as people came in droves to sample the delicious elixir. After a few years passed, the throngs had grew so large that the populace decided to build the original Mile High Stadium. Soon thereafter, they noticed a young native American man who could really throw the discarded Coors bouda bags and they signed him to play quarterback in their new stadium. His name? John Elway.

After long, gold was discovered on the banks of Cherry Creek. Not gold nuggets, but rather gold dookie ropes. More people engulfed the area, and after awhile the creek yielded not only the ropes, but three-finger rings, door knocker earrings, and Chipolte burritoes.

The state continued to grow, so much so that then governor of the state, LaPhonso Ellis, drew a complete box around it to mark its boundaries. The line was drawn with extra heavy ink in the northeast corner of the state due to the “rancid sod-busting imbreds” that populated the area beyond.

Before long, groups wandered from the home base of Denver. Most notably was a group of men named Bill MacCartney, Frank Shorter, Joel Klatt, and Darrell Scott, and some other guy who could make a bong out of a can, and a few cats from a drum circle. That pack settled beneath the Flatirons, were inflicted with Niwot’s curse and started the community of Boulder.

The state grew and grew, as new delicious beers were made, new mountain communities formed, and the state’s official song became Special Ed’s “I Got it Made.” The flag was originally a giant mural of a vicious Danny Schayes dunk, but soon changed. Rodeos were originally held inside McNichols Sports arena with cowboys dressed in Colorado Rocky Hockey sweaters, but that also changed.

And now you know…

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I went to go buy a new car this past weekend, the salesman, upon seeing my CU shirt, proclaimed himself to be the largest CU fan alive. He then promptly told me that Dorian Scott was going to take 'us' to the promised land this year.

Yeah buddy, I agree, and make sure to give me that undercarriage protection while you're at it.

11:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

him and Curtis Hawkins at QB

2:41 PM  
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