Monday, April 30, 2012

Bynum Block A Thon

NUGGETS: We heard all weekend leading up to Game One that Andrew Bynum was the key. Bynum, Bynum, Bynum. And what happens? Bynum. Let's call him block head because he altered the Nuggets entire offensive scheme. The Powder Blue Patrol has fouls up the ying yang (Birdman is good for a few rather than growing a beard and getting a tat on the bench.) We all know Bynum isn't the most stable dude in the dome, so their only option might be to hack him up and hope he cracks.

BRONCOS: I go back to the days of the Draft on Tuesdays and bringing a transistor radio to elementary school, so the whole Draftapalooza thing is damn funny. grades, rankings, three days, whatever. That said, the Donks' draft was a very mundae "eh" from the masses. Joe Wolf's son will apparently be a new defesive tackle, some short Sproles-like dude is our thrid down guy now, and we took a QB in the first three picks. Which is weird because I thought we signed some QB this offseason? Hey, I heard that Osweiller is 6-7. Does he have any fouls for Bynum?

ROCKIES: Crazy Sunday at Coors Field saw Johan Santana turn back the clock and Todd Helton provide a memorable grand slam. But a lot of the chatter before the game was about Peyton Manning and Eric Decker taking BP. Apparently Decker crushed a couple dongs into the seats. So this Decker dude is a football stud, was a baseball standout in college, pals around with Peyton Manning, is sticking it to some singer dime piece, and models in his spare time. Yeah, Decker was that dude who you hated in high school. That said, yo Decker, how can I be down? Follow me on Twitter dog.

RELATED: Brand Nubian: "Slow Down" - ("...then your grade is incomplete.")

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Wednesday, April 25, 2012


Well lookee who is back in Our Fair State? None other than The Commander In Chief, Barry O. He's heading straight from DIA to the People's Republic of Boulder and addressing the masses at Dear Ol' CU at the Coors Event Center. Much like last time, the Secret Service (unless they are scouring the county for hookers) or his people will advise the President...

--Yes sir, you are the first US President to be on campus since 1958. Yes sir, I'm sure you could post up that "old chrome dome Eisenhower" and take him to the hole.
--Yeah, we get it sir, it is called the Coors Event Center yet you can't buy beer. Sure, we'll get the attorney general on that.
--No sir, I'm not sure if Mr Embree saw your birth certificate when they lost to Hawaii this year.
--Sir, I don't think you should call Mr Clinton to tell him that Boulder got that "good sticky icky."
--I doubt Romney could hit that three pointer sir. But, yes, he probably would just buy the Nuggets instead. --Tad Boyle, Tad. No, that is not a type of diet soda.
--Sorry, Mr Embree, he's the President, he doesn't have healing powers for your receiver's ACL.
--Sir, can you please wrap up the game of hackey sack?
--I don't know sir, Ralphie and Sarah Palin might be related.

RELATED: GZA - "Breaker, Breaker" - ("Commander-n-chief of flight style, check the aircraft...")


Friday, April 20, 2012

Hip Hop Fact Checker: B-Real

Artist: B-Real of Cypress Hill

Claim: "Inhale, exhale, just got an ounce in the mail" from Black Sunday's "Hits From The Bong" (1993)

Breakdown: Everyone inhales and then exhales, that's basic human physiology. As far as the ounce in the mail, the United States Postal Service can ship packages as light as a letter and as heavy as 100+ pounds. They will deliver it to any approved address, including B-Real's location.

Given B-Real and Cypress Hill's penchant for marijuana, we are assuming this ounce is the green stuff. And as the late comedian Mitch Hedberg once said, "my mailman is my drug dealer, he just doesn't know it."

Conclusion: B-Real did get an ounce in the mail.

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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Hard Hat Hawk

Former CU Head Coach and program wrecker Dan Hawkins recently popped up in his hometown of Boise trying to stop some development of a construction project near his house.

Here come the one liners:

-He should be successful since he completely stopped the development of the Buffalo program.
-That's the best defense he's shown in years.
-Those two ladies in the picture could be forced to play cornerback with the dearth he left at the program.
-Be the bow, not the arrow.
-This ain't intra-zoning laws! Go build your project elsewhere, brother.
-Hawk says: "“The thing that gets me the most is: The whole thing is wrong.” Kind of like your coaching career in Boulder.
-Hawk will probably rally everyone to defeat the project, then completely lose the votes in the five minutes up until the council vote.
-Fight the Power, Hawk. Fight the power.
-Eh, he can just use some of the CU millions to buy off the project.
-If the developers want the project to go, just hire Montana State grads. Hawk can't beat those dudes.

RELATED: Wu Tang Clan - "Triumph" - ("verbal foul hawk")


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Paul's ACL Not So Rich

Major MCs become minor B flats
So retire the mic, get your chains and your bats...

The SG usually isn't the one to declare panic and bedlam in the streets if one player goes down on a respective team. There wasn't massive grieving when Rudy Fernandez went down for the Nuggets. When Knowshon suffered his injury, we didn't pull the hair out of Bronco Nation. Hell, go back in the day and Peter Forsberg lost his spleen- an internal organ- during the Stanley Cup run and we didn't hold a candlelight vigil down 16th Street.

But the news has come down that Buff super stud Paul Richardson (guess his nickname? P-Rich. Whoa, call Darren Stevens and Larry Tate, someone should be pitching the next account) will be out for the year? Panic. Chaos. Mass hysteria.

Funny, football seems to value the type of players who can change games. Richardson was one of those dudes. Check his act versus Cal last year where he damn near won the game by himself (seriously, they could've went one on eleven and the Buffs had a shot. Not sure how the rules would shake out with Richardson snapping, passing, and catching the ball, but the refs could figure that later.)

The Buffs were a borderline bowl team that figured to have to scratch and crawl their way to six wins. Minus Richardson, three to four wins and neurotic panic attacks will be the norm.

RELATED: Method Man & Redman - "Y.O.U." - ("yo panic button when I'm stuck in all of a sudden...")


Monday, April 09, 2012

Bathrooom Bar Art #8

FOUND BY: Commish CH
WHERE: Albuquerque, NM

Add your captions and comments in the 'Comments' section.

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Monday, April 02, 2012

Salt River Fights

The heckler of hip hop, hop to this one
I got more kid, they hate to miss one

The Rockies v Ubaldo back and forth has finally boiled over with a benches clearing plunking of Tulo yesterday by the former ace. The once cherished Ubaldo is now an official "former player" hanging with the likes of Melo and Kyle Orton. A brief text convo between Commish CH and five time SG winner T-Dub sums up the feelings of the Rox fan base.

CH: Ubaldo plunked Tulo at SRF today. Got ugly.
TW: Wow!
CH: Ubaldo booed off field. Tulo heated. Benches emptied.
TW: I kind of feel bad for Ubaldo in a way. Granted he shouldn't have sulked last year as reported, but Tulo needs to put his money where his mouth is.
CH: Hit him intentionally. Fuck him. Smiley Drake looking two faced dick bag.
TW: I'm sure he did. Yeah, fuck him. Skip the beans and crush the rice.

RELATED: Canibus - "2nd Round KO"

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