Friday, November 30, 2007

The Points, Son

I'm posted, most kids accept this as cool
I exit, cause I'm an exception to the rule...


-Colorado’s Jordon Dizon was named the Big 12 Defensive Player of the Year this past week. On nearly every CU defensive play, Dizon has been in on the tackle, as he leads the nation in that category. Most impressive? When Dizon arrived from the outer reaches of Maui (and when we say outer, we mean it. He attended the westernmost HS in the country and hunted wild boar) four years back, he didn’t even have a position. He had never played LB when the coaches decided to try him there. In his first game he made a game saving tackle on former CU skirt wearing malcontent Marcus Houston, and from there his career took off. Huge credit has to go also to CU linebacker coach Brian Cabral for molding Dizon into the player he is. Dizon should be a stout special teams player at the next level ,or could even do the reverse-Urlacher and step in a safety role.

-The NBA has got to step in and do something about the soccer style flopping that has really permeated the game since the huge influx of European and South American players started this decade. Case in point was last night’s Nuggets’ game versus the Kobes and Carmelo Anthony’s foul on Sasha Vujacic. His act following the foul prompted many LA talent scouts in attendance to forward their cards and an invitation to do The Viper Room. Anthony was ejected in what would become a laugher of a Lakers’ win. The NHL did exactly what is needed in the NBA a few years back, as they started assessing penalties for flopping. If not, the Nuggets need to inquire about the services of Landon Donovan and Thierry Henry.


-They’ve been leaked all over the internet (click around and you’ll find them) and the early buzz on Wu-Tang’s 8 Diagrams and Ghostface’s Big Doe Rehab are undoubtedly favorable. We’re not talking 36 Chambers or Supreme Clientele, but solid efforts. Not surprisingly, a lot of Diagrams’ material focuses on the Wu’s prowess the game and their longevity. RZA produces almost exclusively, and his trademark gritty, grimy style shines through on tracks like “Take It Back.” Meth just kills it on this album, as he works it like a man who’s been robbed by all the journalists and net chatter about the greatest rapper who never include him. Ghost’s solo effort is a bit more melodic (yes, non-rap fans, Ghost is in Wu-Tang and they are both releasing albums the same day; don’t ask why, just accept it) and full of the standard ‘what the fuck did he just say’ lyrics. A highlight is “Barrel Brothers” with Beanie Siegel’s just scathing verse that will have you hitting repeat.


December is the time when beer companies start flooding the shelves with their various “Winter Beers” or “Christmas Ales” or “Santa’s Nut Sweat Lager” or whatever the fancy name is this season. Seems that brewers will try any concoction to add to these beers and get you and Uncle Phil to down one instead of the egg nog; nutmeg, ginger, cranberries; reindeer shit, sugar plums, fruitcakes- they’ve all been spotted in these beers. Being the CO homer that I am, I have to give the SG approval to Blue Moon’s Winter Ale and Coors’ Winterfest. Big freaking surprise there, Slushy Gutter Guy.

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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Aw Shucks Sonny

Now I catch a number when before I caught a glare
Now I give a pound when before I got a stare
Now I guess I kinda got it goin on
I get a wake-up call on the norm…

The SG isn’t going to fawn all over coach Sonny Lubick after he was fired moved into the admin at Goat U here in Colorado. Plenty of over-the-top descriptions have been heaped on Tobacco Sonny over the past few days: messiah, legend, icon. Icon? Joe Paterno, Bobby Bowden, Eddie Robinson, Woody Hayes, there’s your icons. Sonny Lubick? Decent coach, hardly an icon.

Yes, the SG is forced to look through Black and Gold glasses and that may temper my sunny disposition (pun intended.) “Saint” Sonny and his “aww shucks, gee whiz” act was tired the last few years, his coaching had slipped extremely, his choices of assistants were almost laughable, and his recruiting was consistently in the lower half of the non-BCS schools.

Shouldn’t an “icon” been able to rectify that? How many times has JoePa and Bowden taken a “down” team (in those parts that means 7 wins) and elevated them back into the rankings?

And when we speak of those rankings, Sonny’s teams have finished there only twice: 1997 and 2000, at 14 and #17 respectively. All those bowls? A 3-6 mark in those, with one of the wins versus a losing North Texas team.

With his last half decade in steady decline, Goat Pumpers point to his miraculous “turn around” in his early years in the Fort. They don’t point to the heart of his 1994 and 1995 teams that were recruited by his predecessor Earle Bruce, and the fact that both of those teams were sufficiently pummeled in the bowl by a below-average Michigan in 94 and a stout K-State in 1995 (teams that CU beat in each of those years, respectively.)

His 1997 team was flush talent recruited off the 94 and 95 campaigns, in-state school boys included. That was a time when some young brash coach at CU was for all intents and purposes ignoring the Colorado HS ranks, allowing Goat U to harvest some of the state’s best. Throw in some outstanding assistant coaches, and Sonny and his media cronies were openly talking about a major bowl run in 1998 that never materialized.

Don’t forget Sonny isn’t a real “Saint” either; whether he’s cussing out a local “CU” reporter, calling his own AD “Mickey Mouse,” running up the score on teams, recruiting questionable character players, or allowing his loose cannon QB to spout off ad naseum while in school, or show up on his sideline acting like a jackass when out of school. All things that have been swept under the green rug in the Fort.

We know the Goats beat the Buffs four times under Sonny’s watch, but we also know his old-coot attitude cost him a win by running Marcus Houston up the gut and blowing the 04 game. His kicking gaffes might have cost him the 05 game; his lack of defensive adjustments allowed Joel Klatt to look like Dan Marino in the 03 game. Just this past year, his stubbornness in thinking Kyle Bell was Jamal Lewis probably cost him the Mile High Showdown.

So as the chief goat herder rides off into the sunset, us “arrogant” Buff fans shed no tears, perhaps offer a hearty handshake, and know that Sonny isn’t the Saint he’s cracked up to be.


Monday, November 26, 2007

Creamed Corn

I catch vibes like Count Basie, sucker won't face me
I'm so much flavor you can taste me
I'm underground like a gutter
You never catch me - stutter, everybody knows that I'm butter...

PROPS and DROPS from Friday's huge Buff win over Nebraska and Sunday's special teams' meltdown in the Broncos' loss to the Bears:

PROPS: To ABC, the CU Athletic Department, and the South Park crew for Eric Cartman introducing the Buffs’ offense and defense. Throughout the year, various alums, players, and coaches have introduced teams on ABC, but this has got to be the most creative of the lot. And a new nickname, “the Rabid Goldfish” for DT George Hypolite is born. Now, if Trey Parker and Matt Stone want to cut the AD a big check, I’m sure we’d have no problem with the “Big Gay Al Athletic Complex.”

DROPS: Devin Hester will get all the credit, and Todd Sauerbrun will get the immediate criticism for the Donk’s debacle yesterday. But, it goes a lot further up than that on the food chain. Dan Dierdorf constantly hammered home the point to kick towards the sideline with this guy, and yet Shanny, the special teams’ coaches, and Sauerbrun did not try to pin the modern-day Rocket Ismail on the sideline. A very ill-prepared game plan on the Donks’ end. And the other 10 guys looked like a grade school outfit out there; especially on the kickoff return where there were no Broncos barely even in the frame.

PROPS: Throughout most of the year, the Buffs’ Achilles heel was a lack of potent halftime adjustments. The third quarter is where the opposition would score points and either comeback or put the game away. the Buffs, down by 11 at half to the dreaded cornchuckers, switched from a man defense to a zone and it paid off with three INTS and 34 straight points. The different look rattled Billy Ganz (no relation to Hip Hop star Billy Danz) into some ill-advised throws.

DROPS: Did the Denver equipment staff not bring some longer cleats to Chicago? Between Brandon Marshall and the D-Line, they were on their bellies what seems like most of second half. Jay Cutler’s seemed to be throwing low all day, so the murky field didn’t help his effort either.

PROPS: When the Evil Red Horde punted to the Buffs early in the fourth quarter, some weird cosmic force made the ball perfectly roll out of bounds at the one yard line. What followed was a textbook, old school Big 8 drive by the Buffs that ate up the bulk of the quarter and took any fight out of the Huskers. CU simply pounded the ball with Hugh Charles and even Cody Hawkins, not even mixing in one pass. The young freshman Kai Maiva and Ryan Miller cleared the way all the way to midfield before the Buffs punted. A drive that ended in a punt may have been the biggest of the day for Hawkins and Company.

DROPS: Don’t say I called it, but I called it. By the fourth quarter, Lil’ Red fans were in full myopia mode. It was amazing how by that point with their team down three scores, they became consumed with: the stadium wasn’t sold out; Nebraska beef is way better than Colorado beef; the overall series record; the fact that CU fans hurl “personal insults” at their players; pheasant hunting is better in Nebraska; CU fans have the worst reputation in college sports. Nothing about the fact that their team had just been soundly whooped over a 30 minute stretch. CU fans can feel content with the fact that they are headed to a bowl game and have the pieces in place and the shuckers can relish their superior cows.

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Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Urine Luck!

Back for the payback, I must say that
I heard your new jam, I don't play that
It ain't loud enough punk, it ain't hitting
This year you tried, next year you're quitting...

Like any real Coloradoan, I just have an innate ability to hate all that is the University of Nebraska. With the annual post-Turkey Day clash upcoming, I always relish the chance to go over in my mind why I quite simply put- despise and loathe those corn shucking flatlanders. A few of my favorites:

1- While skiing in the grandeur that is the Colorado Rocky Mountains, nothing spoils a picturesque day quite like seeing some yokel adorned in a 1994-era Nebraska Starter jacket swishing down the mountain.

2- When the Buffs do beat the Huskers, it’s never “they played well” or “kudos to them.” But rather the talk amongst the Bugeaters inevitably turns to the horrendous treatment that CU fans dish out to them. It makes John McCain’s stay at the Hanoi Hilton seem easy.

3- The Commish has actually rooted for the Fuskers twice in his life: the 1991 Gator Bowl versus Georgia Tech, where a Lil Red victory would’ve assured CU a unanimous National Championship; and the 1996 Big 12 Championship, where a Lil’ Red win would’ve put CU in a Bowl Series Bowl. Need less to say, the Losers from Lincoln lost both games.

4- Draped over a highway overpass in 1990: “Sal Is Dead, Go Big Red”

5- Chris Anderson’s dropped TD passes in 1996; Ben Kelly dropping an onside kick in 1997; Mike Moschetti throwing an INT on the first play in 1998; Jeremy Aldrich missing a 29 yard FG in 1999; Gary Barnett’s squib kick in 2000.

6- Their fans talking that the 1995 squad that won the National Championship could beat some NFL teams. I’ve seriously heard this on more than a few occasions, usually along the lines of “the 95 team would’ve taken down the 05 Steelers, that team was overrated.”

7- While singing the CU Fight song at the Commish’s wedding, a group of sodbusters (yes, I actually do have some that are friends) broke into their hideous fight song to try to counter. Appropriately it is titled “There Is No Place Like Nebraska.” To which I always reply, “thank God.”

8- Eric Crouch and Scott Frost. Those two guys just seem like a couple of douches that you see at your HS reunion still trying to impress all the girls with tales of their HS glory days while wearing a button down GAP shirt.

9- Local bars that hang Nebraska flags from their rafters, prompting former Slushy Gutter Winner Juck to scale the wall unnoticed, pull down the flag, attempt to run out onto the street, only to be tackled by an alert bouncer. They wrestled playing tug-o-war with the flag for a few seconds, and finally the bouncer yells, “hey man, what’s your problem!?” Juck replies “I hate Nebraska!”

10- Tom Osbourne voting against his own conference and costing CU the unanimous National Championship in 1990.

11- Complaining Nebraska fans in the mid-90s that ultimately lead to Folsom Field banning the sale of beer at the games. That's a big deal around here at the SG. If they somehow banned Hip Hop, we'd probably march on Lincoln.

Now, if you excuse me, I have to go fill some urine bombs for Friday’s game.

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Tuesday, November 20, 2007

AFC West First

It ain't no pop cause that sucks
And you can New Jack Swiiiiiing on my nuts…

PROPS and DROPS from Monday's Bronco win over the Titans and CU's bye week before the annual day after Thanksgiving game with the sodbusters from northeast of here...

PROPS: The Donk’s offense has been very stagnant most of the season, witness the 25th ranking. Versus the Titans, Shanny dusted off the old vertical game and the O responded with their best day of the 07 campaign. Cutler went downfield often, connecting with Stokley on a long TD, hitting his tight end Tony Scheffler across the middle for big chunks, and of course saving some lobs for his man-crush Brandon Marshall, who also scored. Couple in the long TDs on punt returns and simple Andre Hall’s run, and the Broncos had more fireworks than a Federal Boulevard Black Cat stand.

PROPS: Someone by the name of Andre Hall relieved a gimpy Selvin Young late in the game and proceeded to break off a 60+ yard scoring run. It could’ve been Monte Hall, Rich Hall of Sniglet fame, or Guy’s Aaron Hall, any of them would’ve scored on run. The O-line, much maligned earlier in the year, created some large holes in the second half to allow the Broncos to salt away the game. Matt Lepsis is playing his best ball of the year, controlling his blockers and at times simply dominating his side of the line.

DROPS: Mike Shannahan’s timeout blunders finally cost his team. Again he tried to “ice” Tennekeezy kicker Rob Bironas (say that 10 times fast after four Coors Lights) on a long attempt. Bironas missed the attempt, but it was null and void by Shanny’s Chris Webber-like strategy. Bironas promptly nailed the second try from 50 plus yards. Later in the game, another ill-timed TO allowed the Titans to review their previous play and post a TD.

PROPS: The Broncos defensive line has more unrecognizable names than a Russian gymnastics meet. However, the constant shuffling allows the lineman to maintain fresh legs and not wear down over a long game. Guys who were probably selling outdoor motors last week are now pressuring Vince Young into an average day. Mallard? McKinley? Who? Sam Adams likes it because he has more energy to attack the post game buffet.

PROPS: CU’s live buffalo mascot heads out to the retirement pasture after this Friday’s game versus the evil red horde in Boulder. Ralphie IV has been running since 1998, everywhere from Fiesta Bowls, Big 12 Championships, Georgia, Mile High Stadiums new and old, and of course, Folsom Field. The new Ralphie V is a bit meaner than her docile predecessor, and hopefully she produces bigger chips for Bill Callahan to step in.

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Friday, November 16, 2007

A Hunka Hunka Burning Hov

We bring knife to fistfight, kill your drama
Uh, we kill you motherfuckin ants with a sledgehammer

Jay-Z just tied Elvis Presley for most #1 albums by a solo artist. Elvis and Jay-Z have never appeared on any tracks together, but they do have a bit in common.

ELVIS: Stole his brand of music from black people
JAY-Z: Stole from black and white people alike when he released Kingdom Come in 2006

ELVIS: Slammed by Public Enemy’s Chuck D who questioned “none of my heroes never appeared on no stamp.”
JAY-Z: From the track “Hola Hovita”: “Hold up; naw muh'fuckers - y'all muh'fuckersbetter run to the post office and get a job muh'fuckers.”

JAY-Z: Rapped on the track “Show and Prove” with Ol Dirty Bastard
ELVIS: By the mid-70’s, he was an old, dirty, fat bastard.

JAY-Z: Owns a chunk of the New Jersey Nets
ELVIS: The Nets used to play at McNichols Arena in Denver, where the phrase "Elvis has left the building" was first uttered. (True story)

JAY-Z: Beef with Nas further enhanced his career
ELVIS: Loved beef, and chicken, and pork, and peanut butter.

ELVIS: Years after his passing, has inspired thousands of impersonators
JAY-Z: Some may say that he has been impersonating Notorious BIG throughout his career.
ELVIS: Blue Hawaii
JAY-Z: Hawaiian Sophie
ELVIS: Memphis
JAY-Z: Memphis Bleek

JAY-Z: Girlfriend Beyonce has appeared in many films, costarring with the like of Academy Award winners Jennifer Hudson, Jamie Foxx, and Cuba Gooding Jr.
ELVIS: Wife Priscilla costarred in a trio of movies with OJ Simpson.

JAY-Z: President of Def Jam records, overseeing millions of dollars and a multitude of artists.
ELVIS: Met with President Richard Nixon in which he requested to become an at-large “Federal Agent.” Somehow, Elvis wore teh WBC Championship belt at the meeting.
JAY-Z: Had a big song with"Hard Knock Life" which sampled a bunch of scream orphans from the play Annie
ELVIS: Used to make Ann Margeret scream. Thank ya very much.


Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Taken from Tulo

You ain't tryin to hot box with me, I swing hard liquor
Goin down by the second round, all hail the underground…

Little known facts the voters should’ve considered before voting for Ryan Braun over hometown hero Troy Tulowitzski for NL Rookie of the year:

1-Braun used to use a frying pan for a mitt, but after he switched, no one really noticed.

2-Braun: Milwaukee; Tulo: Colorado. Miller makes Coors look like a glass of vintage Dom Perignon.

3-Braun is noticeably aroused each time the Chorizo wins the Hot Dog race.

4-Braun didn’t come up to the majors until May, little does anyone know, he wasn’t really in the minors. He was working as a go-go dancer at an underground S&M club.

5-When eating cinnamon buns, Braun has to use a feed bag, because he always drops them on his lap, making his pants real sticky.

6-Tulo plays in a tough to play park in Coors Field. Braun plays in a park looks like an airplane hangar taken over by munchkins.

7-The first time the Milwaukee manager asked Braun what position he played he unexpectedly said ‘E5’

8-Tulo wears his hat all cool like some bad ass rapper; Braun’s hat has a chin strap so it won’t fall off while he’s chasing balls all over the infield.

9-Braun went to the University of Miami; Tulo went to Long Beach. Current football records: Miami 5-6, Long Beach 0-0. Scoreboard Tulo!

10-Braun: Miami:Luther Campbell. Tulo:Long Beach:Snoop. Nuff said.


Monday, November 12, 2007

Clete, as in Cheat

Take it back to the peoples, leanin gettin rec room punch
We in them authentic alley switchin joints…

PROPS and DROPS from the Buffs' crazy loss to the ISU Cyclones and the Broncos impressive victory over the Chiefs this weekend:

***DROPS: The officials in Ames completely caused the end of the CU game to be a complete clusterfuck. For those who don’t have Fox Soccer Channel and didn't get to watch the game, here’s the quick review:

-The Buffs had the ball on the ISU 34 with a 3rd and 2, no timeouts, about 20 seconds on the clock, down by 3 points. The play is run with a one yard pass and the TE didn’t get out of bounds. Chaos. The Buffs go Jason Elam and run on the field, the umpire sets the ball on the hash. Long snapper Justin Drescher snaps the ball with about 2 seconds left, and Broomfield kicker Kevin Eberhardt drills it through. The refs get together and conclude the Buffs should be assessed a ‘delay of game’ penalty because they snapped the ball ‘before the ref said they were allowed to.’ They put one second on the clock and said the clock will start on the ref’s signal. Buffs line up, and dill a 55 yarder this time. Refs get together again and this time say the Buffs’ didn’t snap the ball soon enough, that the game is over, Buffs lose 31-28. (READ the Boulder Daily Camera piece here)

Yes, this is a football game, not the 1972 USA-USSR Olympic hoops’ final. Before everyone spouts that, “well they shouldn’t have been in that position,” well, get over it, they WERE in that position, so let’s focus on that. It is particularly frustrating for us who have seen the Donks rush on the field twice to make that same type of kick, and witness the Colts do the same thing. Others have said a delay of game penalty is a dead ball foul and therefore the clock starts ON the snap. How about if the game clock had expired on the second kick, why was there no whistle blown while the kick is in the air to signify the game is over?

The refs screwed the end of the game up like they were awarding a fifth down or like some left fielder not touching the plate.

(Note: The referee, Clete Blakeman, is a former nebraska QB. Not saying he’d have it out for CU, but that’s what I’m saying.)

***PROPS: Brandon Marshall is emerging as a star for the Broncos offense. In the Chiefs game, he made the hard catches (especially on high Cutler throws) and ran impressively after the catch. He sheer size is beginning to make match up problems, and if Javon Walker ever returns, the Donks could be a real threat from beyond 15 yards anytime they are on the field.

***DROPS: Adam Vinatieri is arguably the best kicker in NFL history, winning Super Bowls, hitting clutch kicks, hauling in the highest kicker salary. That is why his 29 yard miss in versus the Chargers last night is so harder to swallow than a Lemonhead dousing in Budweiser. Broncos need all the help they can get in the mediocre putrid AFC West, and Vinatieri was just one kick away from putting the Donks in first place.

***PROPS: The Broncos secondary came out very stout at Arrowhead. Hazma Abudullah continues to impress at the safety position (maybe he is Lynch’s successor?) Although Brodie Croyle and Damon Huard don’t remind anyone of Joe Montana, the backs were in the receivers’ face all day, hitting hard when catches were made and took out former Bronco weenie Eddie Kennison. The good coverage helped the young Bronco front to get to the statue-esqe QBs and further pressure them.

***DROPS: With the Buffs up 21-0 early in the 3rd quarter, gambling Dan Hawkins decided to go for a 4th and 1 on his own 43 yard line. The run play was stopped, and ISU proceeded to score 31 straight points. I have no problem with Hawkins going for it, and the whole “momentum” changing thing on that play is out of proportion. The problem was the play call: a misdirection to 4th string tailback Demetrius Sumler. One, Sumler hadn’t played all game. Two, why waste any time to let a misdirection develop? Three, Sumler is the biggest back, but Hugh Charles had been running strong all game. Yes, Sumler is the “big back,” so why not just pound him up the middle? Why not let the more elusive Charles run up the guy where it is harder for the defense to see the smaller back?

***PROPS: Selvin Young has everything Travis Henry has, minus the dozen kids, the multimillion dollar salary, and the NFL breathing down his back. The undrafted rook looked completely at home yesterday running behing Denver’s still-pacthwork line. He showed he could hit the hole hard, get into the secondary, and he knew not to dance around like an idiot (ala Priest Holmes) when nothing is there and just take a 1-2 yard gain. Dare I say, dare I say, he looked like a young Terrell Davis out there yesterday. Blasphemy! Yes, it is, but running for 100 at Arrowhead and I’ll say he looked like Jim Brown.

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Friday, November 09, 2007

Friday Funk: Self Destruction


-MCs in order: KRS-One, MC Delite (Stetsasonic), Kool Moe Dee, MC Lyte, Daddy-O and Wise (Stet), D-Nice, Ms. Melodie, Doug E. Fresh, Just-Ice, Heavy D, Fruitkwan (Stet), Chuck D and Flavor Flav

-D-Nice was credited as a producer on the track along with KRS-One. Hank Shocklee of Bom Squad fame is credited as an "associate" producer.
-D-Nice is now a party DJ and photographer.
-Wise of Stetsasonic normally beat-boxed on tracks, however on this song he flipped a verse with Stet frontman Daddy-O.
-SG consensus on the wackest verse: Ms. Melodie. Was she breaking down defenses in a film session during her verse?
-Ms. Melodie's verse may have helped lead to her and KRS-One's divorce in 1992
-All proceeds for this song went to the National Urban League
-SG consensus on the sickest verse: MC Lyte; she freaking killed it even with the satin Champion jacket on.
-Kool Moe Dee's glasses are now used by numerous X-Game snowboarders.
-Noticeably absent: Rakim; although the cat sitting next to KRS has a Eric B & Rakim hat on.
-The song samples The J.B.'s "You Can Have Watergate, Just Gimme Some Bucks & I'll Be Straight." Yes, that's a real song name.
-Big Daddy Kane appears in video, but rumor has it his label would not let him spit a verse or even move his lips during the chorus.
-This weekend if your team fumbles/throws an interception/turns over the basketball/does something stupid, try singing the chorus and see if anyone catches on.
-Fruitkwan of Stetsasonic later joined RZA, Prince Paul, and Too Poetic to form the Gravediggaz and release 1994's classic 6 Feet Under.
-1989 style: door knocker earrings, acid wash, full length coat, Troop coats, medallions, painted jeans... Fresh for 89, y'all.
-During Doug E Fresh's verse, he is flanked by DJ red Alert and Marley Marl.
-Noticeably absent: Run-DMC
-The track reached #1 on the Hot Rap Singles on March 11, 1989; it later peaked at #70 on the Billboard 100, and it sold over 500,000 copies
-Does anybody know why Tone Loc was there?
-A lot of the "meeting" settings were shot at the Schomberg Center for Black Studies in Harlem
-The song samples Gil Scot Heron and Brian Jackson's "The Bottle"
-Why does Heavy D look like he just got off his job as the host at a local Chili's?
-Noticeably absent: LL Cool J

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Tuesday, November 06, 2007

So Horny

I stand accused of doing harm
Cause I'm louder than a bomb...

A couple of bluehairs out in the ‘burbs of this Ol’ Cow Town has some sort of contraption made of six car horns, a flashing light, a car battery, and even a squirrel, an old Chubb Rock cassette tape, two bobby pins, and Orson Mobley’s jock strap. Alright, I made up the last four.

The couple remotely blow the contraption (yes, they even have a remote) for each Broncos point. And they’ve been doing it for the past 30 years. This year, a snooty lawyer type who lives nearby in one of the many swanky neighborhoods that are popping up in Denver and the area is complaining over the noise.

Lucky for Mr Lawyer that the Donks hanvn’t exactly been scoring at their 1998 pace this year, eh? He might think he’s in downtown Tokyo during rush hour. Now the couple and the lawyer are facing each other down in court over noise ordinances and public disturbances and all that legal mumbo jumbo.

My question is can we rent the contraption for various functions in everyday life? A co-worker tries to snake your leftover ravioli from the fridge? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Your kid won’t finish his dinner? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Some ahole clerk at the DMV won’t move the line quickly? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Some jerkoff in your fantasy football league is debating whether a fumble and a muff are the same? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Some jackoff blogger is spouting off useless info simply to fill space? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

'Horn of Plenty of Noise' - Rocky Mountain News


Monday, November 05, 2007

Lions and Tigers, Oh My!

Silver Surfer on the cerebellum
MC's rhyme at the zoo and when they're wack parrots tell em...

Props and Drops from this weekend’s Buffs’ throttling at the hands of Missouri and the Broncos’ dismantling in Detroit:

DROPS: Mike Shannhan the GM is letting Mike Shannahan the coach down. Years of bad drafting and bad free agent acquisitions left Shanny trying to comeback in the game with receivers more suited to the Arena league (Brian Clark, Glen Martinez?) , Olineman no one has heard of, and the long snapper one injury away from being the QB. Shanny’s two big free agent pickups, Travis Henry and Daniel Graham could be considered average pickups at best. With injuries spreading through the team, expect to see a lot of these no-name players over the second half of the year.

DROPS: The CU coaching staff had their worst game of the year and a half tenure in the loss to the Tigers. The biggest complaint? The three man rush utilized for most of the game by the Buff defense. Early in the contest, the Buffs pressured Mizzou QB Chase Daniel and the result was a tipped pass and a quick 7-0 Buff lead. That lead was short-lived as the pressure stopped and CU dropped 8 into coverage, allowing Daniel plenty of time to hit receivers. The result was tons of big yardage pickups and easy first downs. Did the staff watch the tape of any of the previous Mizzou games? Daniel had done the same thing versus light rushes versus Nebraska and Texas Tech.

DROPS: The dreaded “r” word is making its way around Denver and even on the national broadcast in regards to the Donks. Rebuilding. Yikes, not since the pre-Elway days have Denver fans actually faced a “rebuilding” situation.

DROPS: Halfway through the season and it seems the Broncos cannot get in sync with coordinator Jim Bates’ schemes and assignments. Witness some seldom used fullback getting open for a near 50 yard game when the Lions were on their own 5 yard line. First down after first down on simple slant plays. TJ Duckett and Kevin Jones picking up huge yardage. The biggest problem is the complete lack of pass rush, allowing QBs like Jon Kitna to focus on staying away from Champ Bailey and complete tosses to 2nd and3rd options.

DROPS: The CU offense, and QB Cody Hawkins looked like a lost team out there. Cody’s roll out passes seemed like they took a month to develop, and the receivers couldn’t get any separation form the Tiger defenders. The goofy direct snap play to RB Hugh Charles needs to be shredded from each playbook, because it doesn’t fool anyone. They never got in a rhythm and the end result was seven first downs all evening long and a season-high 11 punts.

PROPS: Rockies manager Clint Hurdle was on the CU sideline for most of the game, sporting a CU cap and mingling with some CU brass. Hurdle couldn’t have been anymore accommodating and cordial to the fans, coming over to the rail numerous times to shake hands, sign hats, and take pictures. By halftime, he was more of a show than the actual game.

PROPS: All that is the debacle of the Donks’ season and they are still only one game behind the leaders of a suddenly putrid AFC West. With Patrick Ramsey at the helm for the a portion of the year, the Donks’ must decide to go all in and try to snatch the division title from the Chargers or the Chiefs with some inspired play and creative play calling.

PROPS: The Buffs are solidly in the lead for all-world RB Darrell Scott. Even with the loss to Mizzou and the half empty stadium by the 3rd quarter, Scott reportedly had a great trip and nothing but praise for the coaches, players, and University.

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Thursday, November 01, 2007

Sonic Boom From the Cannon

I never half step cause I'm not a half stepper
Drink a lot of soda so they call me Dr. Pepper…

Nuggets Game 1: a 120-103 victory over the Seattle soon to be Oklahoma City Sonics. What you’d expect from a Nuggets’ team in the opener, a quick start, a lackluster 2nd quarter, average at best defese, and slowly pulling away from a overmatched opponent in the late 3rd and fourth. A few other quick observations:

-Looks like the organization is trying to push the alternate logo of the pick axes rather than the “Nuggets” capped with the mountains. Frankly, I like the pick axe logo, I’m just not sure if it looks alright massively painted on center court. When it’s that big it looks like they’re playing on the Colorado Courts logo or something. On second thought, that might come in handy when Kobe comes to town.

-Hey PJ Carleismo: 1979 Ed McMahon called and he wants his suit and glasses back.

-Yakhouba Diawara looks like twice the player he was at the onset of last year. He was moving well without the ball, showed he could create a shot when needed, and played highlight worthy defense. His summer of playing with Mr. Longoria and the French team has obviously helped.

-Am I the only one who thinks the NBA has to do something about players letting the ball more than halfway down the court so the clock won’t start is just stupid?

-Nene played alright in spurts, but he looked completely gassed and off his game at others. He missed at least four point blank layups, which you center just can do versus the Sonics and Nick Collison, but not versus Duncan, Yao, or Amare. Tell Nene there’s a Twinkie at the baskets’ bottom and he’ll sink them.

-Kevin Durant looked pretty decent. It’ll take him a half a season to get into his groove, but as we saw last year, all the tools are there.

-Behind the Nuggets bench could be quite the watch party this year. Anyone notice the security guard with the fresh poodle/Joey Buttafucco perm. And Nuggets strength coach Steve Hess looks more and more like a Klingon every day.

-Was Sonics’ guard Delonte West an extra on ‘Prison Break’?

-Melo nailing the 3’s (3 for 6) is good news for a team that has struggled in that category since Michael Adams roamed the court. Melo looked like his typical self out there, streaky at times, but ending with another solid line.

-Wally Szczerbiak? Really? Dude looked hopeless out there. He needs to be a spot up shooter and that’s it.

-Leinas Kleiza looked leaner, quicker, and very confident in his role. He was dead on with his 3 pointers and crashed the boards hard. He even took it to the rack hard on a few plays. Look for him to be the first man in Karl’s off the bench rotation this year.

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