Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Aint So Melo

From the crew that sets it off by spraying beer in your face...

The scariest thing coming out of Nuggets camp right now isn't the Melo Situation (not Melo versus The Situation, although that might be fun to watch. What could the two of them compete at? Wearing sunglasses inside is about all they have in common) but rather the lack of big men roaming the Powder Blue and suddenly day glo yellow paint. (Seriously, the yellow in the Nuggets unis has been amped up from a subtle gold hue to 1988 Body Glove.)

The "jewel" signing of the off-season Al Harrington is apparently suffering from plantar fasciitis. Now I have no idea what that is, but Ed McCaffery and Good Feet says that special shoes are required for it. No one is letting on how long K-Mart will be out, but I heard whispers here and there we might not see him until the break. Not Thanksgiving break, not Christmas Break, but the All-Star break. The same can be said for Birdman, who apparently spent most of the off season treating his neck as a coloring book.

That leaves our buddy Nene, who has been playing out of position for his entire NBA career because every Nugget brainiac from Kiki to Kroneke to Rocky can't figure out what everyone knows: that he could be a great power forward when coupled with a true center. Scanning the roster they also have something named Eric Boateng at center, Courtney Sims, and Melvin Ely.

The Lakers are shuddering when they scan those names, and when they don't have Melo (or as LaLa calls him in their gawd awful reality show "Mel", and that could be real confusing with Ely around. And if you watch that show, you'll suddenly see why Melo wants out of Denver and you won't care which way he leaves, trust me) and a bunch of youngsters and Chauncey, not even the Clippers will be shuddering.

RELATED: Pete Rock - "True Master" - ("Passionate bright colors, the number one Soul Brother.")


Monday, September 27, 2010

Running To Nowhere

Once knew a girl by the name of Rhoda
I watch Star Wars just to see Yoda...

PROPS and DROPS from the Broncos loss to Peyton Manning and the Colts:

DROPS: Yes, Kyle Orton throwing for nearly 500 yards was great, but look at the reason he threw for so many: they couldn't run the football! Laurence Maroney was the latest back to get stiffled as the Donk OL couldn't move the Colts back nary a few yards to create holes. The Broncos have moved to the traditional "big" OL and away from the smaller "fast" OL of the glory years. The ultrafast Colt defense showed the difference in the two philosophies as they simply outran and outworked the Denver line to the ball carrier.

DROPS: Blair White, Blair Rasmussen, Blair from 'Facts of Life', Tony Blair, Blair Underwood, the Blair Witch Project. All of them couldn't be covered by the non-Champ Bailey corner back of the Broncos.

DROPS: I don't have a problem with McHoody going for it on 4th down (although the six points he could've got from Matt Prater f*cked my fantasy team, thanks for that Josh) but I do have a problem with the play preceding the 4th down try. For all of Orton's good play, his "jump ball" passes were awful yesterday. If Orton was tossing those things at an NBA tipoff, he'd get whistled for a technical foul. Don't rely on something like a jump ball, power it up the middle with Spencer LArsen leading or a play action to the tight end.

PROPS: The Bronco DL with their lack of pass rush was very stout filled Joseph Addai and Donald Brown's lanes. Justin Bannan and Jamal Williams are fillig the roll of designated fat guys to clog it up and allow others to get the ball carrier.

DROPS: I'm beginning to think McHoody has some wicked sleeve tats or a bad tat of a dolphin on his arm. 90 degrees Josh, mix in a short sleeve t-shirt.

DROPS: Anyone on the Colts staff figure that the sun might be on their sideline? Maybe get an umbrella or something? How would you like to be the guy drafted to hold a dry erase board over Prince Peyton all game? Steve, you man the water table, Brian, you got the tape and scissor cart. And Don and John, you hold this board above your head all game.

RELATED: De La Soul - "Itzsoweezee" - ("While the heat will put you deep into hypnosis")


Friday, September 24, 2010

Bar Bathroom Art #2

FOUND BY: Commish CH
WHERE: Morrison, CO at the Morrison Inn

Add your captions / analysis in the comments section.

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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Later Suckas

With my brim cold bent to the side, I bump and slide...

Some idiot just a few days ago said that CU's move to the Pac 10 could be a bit muddied. Really, what the hell do you know moron?

CU is moving to the beaches and coffee shops of the Left Coast, we're going a year early, and we're keeping most of our money in doing it, you toothless Big 12 yokels.

The much maligned CU administration, mainly the Swift Chancellor flex the white gold Tarantula Phil DiStephano and AD Mike Bohn got CU away from the Big 12 strip malls, gray skies, and Texas-centricity for a mere fraction of millions of what was originally demanded. From an $18 million down to under $7 million. Trey Parker and Matt Stone could find that in their seat cushions.

So a mere four games remain in the Texas 10 Conference, four more trips to moldy salad bars, guys with twangy accents, highways on which the horizion never changes, and Boulevard Wheat beer (I can't front on that beer, it is a rare treat to have a pint or two or ten when crossing into Kansas.) Adios, Big 12, I'm waxing my surf board a year early.

RELATED: Pac Div - "Mayor"


Sunday, September 19, 2010

Double Rainbow Oh My God

PROPS and DROPS from the Buffs second half wakeup versus Hawaii and the Broncos ho-hum win over the Seahawks:

PROPS: Hey, is that the Broncos' #1 draft pick? You know the guy who was drafted ahead of one Tim Tebow? Damn straight and Demaryius Thomas proved that pick with a game high 8 catches and a great TD catch. Even more impressive was his "other" gear on the bubble screens they ran to him, going from slow to top speed in a nanosecond. Dare I say, that Thomas almost looke Brandon Marshall-esque out there?

PROPS: The 1990 throwback unis are pretty fresh, although as Mrs Commish suggested they would be more authentic if they were cut off mesh. The Big 8 logo would've been a nice "fuck off" to the Big 12 too.

DROPS: Broncos first game was the hottest ever in Jacksonville history and yesterday was the hottest in Denver history. Let's hope next week's schedule gets tweaked and they play the North Pole Santas.

PROPS: Deception! McD took a play out of the pee wee league and it actually worked. Plays in the NFL with passes backward, reverses, throwing a rabid cat in someone's face, they just usually never work because NFL players are quick and fast. McD and Kyle Orton sold the sweep to perfection. Ortons strike to Royal was spot on, who promptly almost fumbled it, which probably wasn't part of the play.

DROPS: Tyler Hansen's stats look good (a tipped TD pass helps) but he missed a few wide open WRs. He needs the clock in his head to tick a bit faster as he held the ball way too long on several plays. It is obvious the strength of this team are the WRs so Hansen needs to elevate his game to get those guys the ball quickly and effectively.

PROPS: The juvenile in me thinks that Golden Tate is a funny name.

PROPS: Two goal line stands in the first 10 minutes of the game saved the Buffs' bacon (can you get bacon from a Buffalo) in this game. Hawaii could've easily been up 24-0 heading into the locker room. Credit the Buff D for manning the outside receivers on the goal line and making the Warriors run smack into the heart of the defense, including LB BJ BEatty, who was flying all over the field. DT Wil Perciak was very solid on both stands as well.

DROPS: If you are a USC fan (and lord knows you'd be fidgeting with your Blackberry right now and not reading this garbage) it has got to tan your hide (but you probably already do that in your tanning bed) to see not just Pete Carroll on the Seattle sideline, but damn near the whole USC coaching staff. Do the Seahawks and Saints play this year? That could be awkward.

PROPS: CU WR coach Ron Prince was all fire on the sideline. He looked like a real coach on the Buff sideline- teaching, yelling, diagraming- something that looks absent many of Buff games.

RELATED - Jaz - "Hawaiian Sophie"

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Friday, September 17, 2010

GABF Represent

Commish CH, current Slushy Gutter Winner T-Dub, and former Slushy Gutter Winner JL Smooth attended the Great American Beer Fest in Denver last night. Some highlights:

-The line to get in is long. Like longer than the line to see Empire Strikes Back in 81. I ask my crew what would make the waiting go faster. One says "beer" the other says "strippers." That could actually be the answer to all of life's ails.

-To pass the line time we could do the Pipelayer dance?

-5:30: Festival open, a large cheer. The line starts to move swiftly. Somewhere the TSA at the airport feels a shudder.

-There's been 14 Slushy Gutters awarded; between the three of us we have nine of them. We curse the other five winners.

-I see a group of Juggalos. Do they serve Faygo beer?

-There's a dude with his two year old at the festival. As a fellow dad I am torn between shunning him or giving him Dad of the Year.

-The Humpty Dance is being played. Seriously, Hump how did you pull chicks at Burger King? And why BK, was Wendy's closed? McDonald's being remodeled? Why you fronting on Arby's Hump?

-Beer #1 is a selection from Colorado Boy brewery. Colorado Boy, sounds like a gay travel agency, but is a good ice breaker.

-Pretzel necklaces are the rage at the festival. They help cleanse the mouth and keep your belly full. Me and Smooth sport them while T-Dub is jealous. We meet up with our man Father Tuck, who offers hugs and crushes half my pretzels.

-Smooth and T-Dub are popping boners over a beer called Pliny the Elder. While they wait in line, I scoop up three other beers. Opportunity, son.

-I've exhausted most of my pretzels, and I as a take it off T-Dub tries to snatch it and it falls and smashes to the ground. Can you call party foul on that? Or Pretzel Foul?

-I sample a chile beer and surprisingly it is very tasty. Ole!

-Brooklyn Brewery is there and I can't help mumble "Where's Brooklyn at!?" They are not impressed.

-There's lots of dudes taking notes of all the beers they drink. Probably some nerdy blogger. I mean who takes notes for a blog...oh wait.

-The brewery that does Olde English is there. I scan the memory banks and determine that I haven't had a OE since 1994. Damn straight, I got me one. Somewhere the 94 Commish is hollering.

-I sample a Key Lime Pie Beer. Holy crap, you can taste the lime, the marshmallow and the graham crackers. I feel like I'm sitting on a porch on a summer day.

-Time to grub and I get a chicken sandwich. This isn't a standard sando, there might well be a whole damn chicken on this bun. Second wind has arrived.

-We're in another line when I dude with a beard with long hair and a beard blows past everyone claiming he only has to wash his hands. The janitor yells "hey, ya'll Jesus has to keep his hands clean, make way!"

-Smooth and TDub are in line while me and Tuck are making fun of 'Fedora Guys', which there seems to be a lot of. TDub strikes a conversation with them and we find out they are from our hometown and actually cool dudes. Asshole alert and it points right at me.

-There's a few drunks in the crowd, but most of the drunks are working behind the tables serving the beer. Now if that could only apply to everyone's job.

-A chubby dude is waving to his friends across the aisle and T-Dub waves back. They aren't amused. Beer: makes most people friendly, unless you're fat.

-The floor is getting slick as people clear out, so slick we think about rocking some genie pants and doing some Hammer moves.

-A server is reaching drunkeness. How do I know? She's dressed as a pirate and pouring our glasses while it rests in her cleavage.

-I've knocked out the OE, so I double my pleasure with a PBR.

-Our ride is en route. We get a "beer two minute warning" and we all successfully navigate the two minute drill to score a beer TD.

RELATED: Tha Alkaholiks - "Make Room"

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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Drop The Mic and Strike the Heisman Pose

You got beef than holla,
My crew sticks together like Richy and Dollar...

Weep for poor Reggie Bush, first he loses his dime piece Kim Kardashian, now he has to send back his Heisman (who pays for return postage?) The big question is will it automatically default and go to Vince Young, who finished #2 that year in the voting. Undoubtedly, Vince will also be stripped of the trophy probably for shirtless club dancing, then the trophy will fall to the #3 vote getter. And that is? Matt Leinart. The Heisman won't stay with him long because QBs for the Calgary Stampeders or wherever he plays now are ineligible, plus QBs who've banged reality skank Kristin Cavallari shouldn't be allowed to go in a locker room (you too, Jay Cutler.)
So that leaves the #4 vote getter as the new 2005 Heisman Winner. Mr Brady Quinn, of your Denver Broncos. The shine of a Heisman is coming back to Denver, where a recipient hasn't donned the orange and blue since the glory era of Ron Dayne. Dust off a spot in the Donk Trophy case (there's been a lot of empty space in there for 11 years) because the Heisman is home.
RELATED: Dilated Peoples - "Back Again" - ("Back again, with more titles, rings and plaques, belts, trophies and banners, and things like that")


Monday, September 13, 2010

Low Cal

PROPS and DROPS from the Buffs' dismantling at the hands of Cal and the Broncos weathered loss in Jacksonsville:
DROPS: It's tough to pin this loss on Kyle Orton, as he played decent most of the game. The last pass he was about to be pile drived by Aaron Kampman and didn't have enough time (A young O Line will welcome back Ryan Harris as there was a push into Orton's face all game on passing downs.) A split second more and he might've seen Jabar Gafney wide ass open on the right sideline and a Donks' win.
DROPS: There was a big buzz about the Buffs having anywhere from 7,000 to 12,000 fans at the game. AD Mike Bohn spent the whole week up ad down the West Coast (did Bohn grab the mic at all the rubber chicken lunches and scream "weeeeeesssssside!"?) and the fervor of the Buffs' move to the 12-Pack was in the air. And CU promptly shits itself on the Cal field. Way to impress those Left Coast alums. Back to the waves and organic foods, brah.
DROPS: Josh McDaniels. 100 degrees. Hot. Humid. Long sleeve shirt under a t-shirt like he's in a 90's grunge video.

DROPS: Nine penalties hurt everytime, and especially after 10 in the opener. The Buffs yellow flags were just stupid, mental, played out. (wasn't that Bell Biv Devoe's tagline?) Please Hawk spare us we "just need to clean it up a bit." This is not a fluke, it is not a trend, it is a part of the foundation of this football program as silly as that sounds. Penalties like the Buffs have should not be tolerated, yet the coaches let them happen and happen and happen. At this point there is really nothing that can be done outside of tearing the damn thing down.
PROPS: The Jaguars have this heat thing figured out. Misting fans, plugging your pads into a cooling system, drinking all sorts of scientifically formulated drinks, or taking special pills might beat the heat. Nothing works quite as well as dipping a bucket hat into ice water and wearing it.
PROPS: Cal's leading rusher was a dude named Vareen, which of course prompted the SG Crew to reminisce about Ben Vereen, who after a few beers was suddenly the lead character in 'Benson'. And that crazy plot line of how a butler can become the governor of California. How crazy...signed, Arnold.
DROPS: Was "Wink" Martindale wearing a early 90's hyper colors shirt? How lame were those things? Look my hand print is on my shirt! Worse were the d-bags who wore them but by summer's end and after washing them they were just stupid drab shirts.

DROPS: The Bears proudly wore the new Pac 10 logo on their uniforms, while the Buffs showed no conference affiliation on theirs. Then the news comes that CU's chances of joining the Pac 10 are next year "worse then 50-50." The giddyness of joining the Hacky Sack 12 suddenly seems like it could be clusterfuck and CU will be in conference purgatory in 2011. (Plus, another trip to Lubbock, yippee!)
DROPS: The Tim Tebow Wildcat, Wildhorse, Wildgilamonster, whatever it is called needs to be shelved or tweaked. Who would you rather have bursting up the middle- Tebow or Knowshon Moreno. The latter gives a chance to get more than a yard. Tebow spilt wide may provide some positive results if he used as a tight end/WR hybrid. Especially since the TE disappeared after Dan Graham's 20 yard catch on the first play (hey, why would we use that play again?)

DROPS: A couple elephants in the room were really exposed in the Buff game. One, the CU O-Line isn't the power mashing unit that a few people touted. Watch Mr All American Nate Solder just get bulldozed by some linebacker? With the Big 12 slate on the horizon, this is a problem. Two, Tyler Hansen is only a slight upgrade over Cody Hawkins. Hansen hasn't thrown a good deep ball in two games, and CU's strength is on the perimeter.
RELATED: Casual - "I Didn't Mean To"

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Wednesday, September 08, 2010

SG NFL Pick Em 2010

Time to drop these bows like Dusty Rhodes
Then I yell ho

The Slushy Gutter is pleased to offer for your enjoyment the 35th annual SG NFL Pick Em. There is absolutely nothing at stake. Not a damn thing. No prizes. Nada. So that should get you all amped up for football season! Follow the link below and choose a clever nickname, pick the Seahawks every week, and enjoy the pigskin-ness hilarity.

Group ID = 28498

Password = beer


(be sure to check all the 'Terms' box or you'll get a pesky error message.)
RELATED: EPMD - "Gold Digger" - ("boy you picked a winner...")

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Monday, September 06, 2010

Buffs Gash Goats

The SG Crew ventured to Invesco Field at Mile High to take in the Buffs hammering of the Rams. A brief timeline:

6:15- Clarence Cricket arrives at my house; Colorado, the only state in the union where people get up earlier on off days than for work.

6:20- Hot bagels!

6:45- We arrive at four time Slushy Gutter winner TW's crib. He asks Clarence if he's wearing an over abundance of Axe Body Spray. Clarence says it's "bug spray."

7:00- We arrive to pick up three time Slushy Gutter winner Juck. He and his friend Frank answer the door drinking two cold Colorado Native Lagers. Birds of a feather.

7:30- We have to wait in a line to get into the parking lots at 8am. Damn lines. You know what makes lines more bearable? An ice cold Coors Light.

8:00- Lot C is open, the SG Crew has staked their spot. More ice cold Coors Lights.

8:10- Sirius Backspin Classic Hip Hop Channel is playing only songs from 1990 all weekend. Somehow MC Hammer's "Pray" and LL's "Around The Way Girl" don't get the tailgate rocking.

8:30- Breakfast burritoes. Many. Tons. Like Mexico doesn't have any left.

9:00- We questioned if we could down 50 beers in the first hour. I have four beer tabs in my pocket. Oh, so close.

9:30- The lot is not even close to half full. I say half full because I'm the eternal optimist.

9:45- Drunk girl sighting #1. A nearby girl is taunting CSU fans as she dances to 70's rock band Boston.

10:00- Eight tabs in my pocket. Progress.

10:15- I always get a kick out of LL's line in "Momma Said Knock You Out" where he talks about his nine being easy to load. Yes, LL the gangster, and his gun is very user friendly.

10:00- The lot is surprisingly mellow. Someone needs to light a couch on fire or something.

11:00- Tailgate begins to pack it in. Mrs Commish and I head for the gate with four beers in hand. Lines at the gate. Remember what helps those pesky lines.

12:00- Kickoff. Stadium is no more than at half capacity. I say half capacity because I'm the eternal optimist. Or drunk.

1st Q- TW tells me over and over, "Can you believe this, college football?" Yeah, I believe it when I send them my season ticket bill every year.

2nd Q- CU looks flat, but they still control the game. McKnight scores after he was so open that I could've covered him from the stands.

2nd Q- CU blocks a Ram kick to go into the half with a shutout. No beers in the stadium, so we too are shut out.

3rd Q- CU is in total control. This CSU team is not very good. Their fans are leaving in droves. Fuck it, the stadium is 3/4 empty.

3rd Q- CSU forgoes a 4th and 1 to get a FG on the board. Our section takes it as a diss and demands CU "go up top" the rest of the game.

4th Q- This is the best bunch of CU WR's I've seen in sometime. Hence, more chanting to "go up top"

4th Q- Announced crowd of nearly 61K. I call bullshit and start to count myself. I make it to about 39 and stop.

Final- Game is over and we decide to not take in the presentation of the ever-cheesy Centennial Cup. You know the trophy at the local bar that they won in rec league softball? That's better than the Centennial Cup.

3:15- Some piece of crap has taken down our flagpole and stole the State of Colorado flag. Probably the Governor.

4:00- Cops. Lots of cops in riot gear, on horse, on gold carts, on those tiny motorbikes that clowns ride.

4:00- I made up the clown bike thing.

4:30- I'm home and surprisingly I'm half coherent. Hell, that calls for more CLs!

RELATED: Poor Righteous Teachers- "Rock Dis Funky Joint"

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Friday, September 03, 2010

Junk Science - "Really, Man"

Junk Science and the affliated Nuk Fam are some of the realest cats there are when it comes to real Hip Hop. That means eschewing the normal video style and trying something new and original. "Really, Man" is that video, with a great ending and mad original concept. Check out the entire album A Miraculous Kind of Machine, especially SG favorite Cool Calm Pete on "Millins"


Thursday, September 02, 2010

Rockies Bend Like Beckham

Some say I'm rollin on, nothin but a dog now
I answer that with a fuck you and a bowwow...

Another 2-1 loss for the home IX last night. Sounds about right, seems like FC Rocky has had alot of 2-1, 3-1, or even 1-nil shutouts this year. As we all know, Real Purple has trouble on the oppostition's pitch this year, and last night was no exception. Once Golden Boot candidate Ubaldo Jimenez was brilliant between the pipes, but except for CarGo, the strikers didn't come to play.

There are a myriad of reasons why Arsenarock can't put more balls in the net on unfriendly ground: the lack of a transfer from another squad (the current guys have that home-away split so ingrained in their heads, a new guy like Dan Uggla wouldn't have that mentality), the lack of a striker coach to properly work with the lads, shoddy defense on the backline.

Whatever it is Mile High United better step it up or their descent down the table will continue. No Champion League, no Gold Cup, just the distinct possibility or relegation. Ole!

RELATED: Ghostface Killah - "Run"