Thursday, August 30, 2007

5280: The Final Battle

Heads by the score take flight incite a war
Chicks hit the floor, diehard fans demand more
Behold the bold soldier, control the globe slowly
Proceeds to blow swingin swords like Shinobi...
The dark masses known as the Army Of Beers have assembled, organized and preparing for the impending onslaught. The dread that they face is looming in the form of the Slushy Gutter Summer Challenge’s nine man collective, who have only one goal: to crush the Army and claim supreme 5280 spoils. The Army is large, numbering 470. The Army is also cold, sweet, and all too refreshing- perfect for each of the SG team’s strategy and skills.

Undoubtedly, Juck** is the colossal figure among the group. He will simply swoop in- Galactus style- transform the evil beers into pure hops and barley energy, and engorge himself of their sweet nectar.

The ground force of Jeez Steve* is impetuous, his style impregnable, he’s just ferocious. He wields his attack with venomous rattlesnakes as thirsty for the blood of the beers as he is.

Coordinating his force with Jeez Steve is that of Pickles***, who runs with a herd of unruly elk. He has the capacity to unleash a deadly siren’s call that summons his treacherous elk to stampede the beers with their staunch hoofs that are dipped in metal-burning acid.

TDub** has morphed into his alter-ego, the lethal Captain Tailgate. He has assembled his crew: Big Boss BBQ, CoolerZa, Nerf Baller, and Doctor Lawn Chair. The quintet needs the beers to power their lust to be the ultimate in the tailgating realm.

Standing alone is Broz. He harbors all the rage, torment, and utter disdain for all things; his thoughts of crushing beers is dangerous. He rides through the battlefield with no weaponry, no allies, just the ability to detonate the enemy with his angst.

Having been cryongenically frozen, Slick Rip is the primed to do battle. He awakens from his slumber primed for the fight. His sleep has readied him, as he arrives on the scene with his vast bag of supersonic alloy footballs, able to destroy many beers on a single throw.

Bringing up a faraway flank is Trav and his assembled special unit of cloned evil Sid Breams. The Bream Brigade moves slow, almost rickety, but they are deceptive. They have one mission programmed into their clone heads: to round third base and annihilate beers.

JBiz** has concocted a deadly serum to trick the Beer Army. Part pong balls, part mulch, and part baby formula, the mixture will attract the beers like a rat to cheese. Then JBiz will pounce! His serum will wreak havoc on the beers as they slowly dissolve.

Behind the scenes is the Commish, calculating, coordinating, and scheming. Think Mystery of the Chessboxin type shit. He overlooks the squad, figuring the wicked mathematics hoping to ensure the 5280 goal.

The team is indeed in for a big fight, the beers are numbered, and the weather hot. But the football angle and extra day of battle may allow them to get there. It has been a long summer, a long battle, a hefty amount of beers already down. Now is the time their mettle will be tested, it’s the final battle. (4810)
*- current Slushy Gutter Winner**- Two time Slushy Gutter Winner***- Slushy Gutter Winner

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8 Comments:

Anonymous Europe said...

'Iiiit's the fiiiiinal countdooooown'

7:36 AM  
Anonymous Sid Bream said...

"....crush, kill, destroy beers...crush, kill, destroy beers...crush, kill, destroy beers.."

8:02 AM  
Anonymous anonymous said...

so that is it for you guys? I'll miss slapping up Gaybiz each week like a stepchild. touche...ouch.

10:11 AM  
Anonymous brother cheeks said...

drink those beers, they need to be stopped. Great site, my type of stuff. GO BUFFS!!!

7:38 AM  
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