Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Milk Is Chillin

Denver icon Chauncey Billups joined the ranks of those immortalized with a band of milk across their lips (get your mind out of the porn world SG fiends) with his very own 'Got Milk' ad. Props to Chauncey for once again repping the community and doing the good work for the people. The Milk folks actually considered some other Colorado sports figures for their ad, and the Slushy Gutter go the list:

-Mike Bohn- An off-shot of the 'Got Milk?' theme would've been 'Got Cream?' and would've featured the Colorado AD trolling Folsom Field with a metal detector in an effort to come up with extra change to buy out Coach Hawk.

-Kyle Orton- Milk executives deemed that his beard fit the classic cliche "rub some milk on it and let the cat lick it off" and squashed the DOnk QB's ad.

-Birdman- Chris Anderson was a bit amped when his name came up for the ad and prematurely went out and had a milk moustache tatted on his lip.

-Brandon Marshall- Milk execs tried to applie 2% milk to his lip since he only has been practicing half ass.

-Joe Sacco- Everyone was ready until he showed up at the shoot and they assumed he was Joe Sakic's driver. When he said, "no I'm Joe Sacco, the Avalanche coach" everyone was confused and finally Morty the security guard had to chase him out.
-Josh McDaniels- When asked 'Got Milk?' Josh simply replied "no, I don't, but if he fits into our environment and can help us win ball games, we will take a look at him."

RELATED: Audio Two - "Top Billin"

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Monday, September 28, 2009

The Wack Hole

PROPS and DROPS from the Broncos' dominating win over the Raiders:

PROPS: Teams and media like to use kitschy nicknames when you have two backs with different styles; Thunder and Lightning, Fire and Ice, Earth, Wind, and Fire, Peanut Butter and Jelly. (I made that last one up, but how cool would that be?) The Broncos have two RBs in Knowshon Moreno and Correll Buchalter who are almost exact reflections of eachother. Neither are the standard bruiser, and neither are extreme speed merchants. Don't let it fool anyone though, as they riddled the Raiders for nearly two bills with a physical punishing style. Yet, both can kick that extra gear when they get through the line. It was like Shanny and 1998 were back, without the Hall Of Fame QB. Credit has to go to the O-line as well, especially Ryan Clady, where his left side has become almost a highway for the backs to ramble down.

DROPS: The Oakland fans were a miserable lot during the afternoon. The stadium looked like it was half empty, prompting a NFL-mandated blackout (how appropriate.) However, the freaks still played dress up and looked all the more sad as the game wore on. Spiked shoulder pads, borrow my wife's make-up, my Darth Vader mask, and sitting on my behind by the 2nd quarter in that gear looking miserable. The NFL has to question the long term viability of the Oakland Raiders, whether the Bay Area can support two teams and Al Davis as one.

PROPS: Marcus Thomas had a couple plays late in the game from his defensive line postion that could serve as notices that this Donk team is physical. One, he nearly chased down behemoth QB JaMarcus Russell sans his headgear. Dude looked possessed running the field, like Russel stole all the Twinkies in the Donk locker room. A few plays later Thomas was flagged for illegal hands to teh face as the pocket again collapsed around Russell. Penalty yes, but Thomas and the Denver D showed they were going to be the bullies, and they were all afternoon.

DROPS: JaMarcus Russel looks like Ja Rule on steriods, or with Botox in his head.

PROPS: Unlike the colligiate coach up the road in Boulder, Josh McDaniels didn't use his win to belittle the media in the post game. McD simply fed the company line, but he wasn't reading it as bullshit. He actually instills and adheres to the line and believes in it, ala the Patriots' Way.

PROPS: One has to believe that the playbook will open up over the next stretch of games. The Donks have played the first three games like an extended pre-season, running the most vanilla offense this side of the Green Mountain Midget Rams. Case in point, three runs straight up the gut on their first drive. Now, part of that may be Kyle Orton's limitations, mainly his finger might not allow him to really air it out. Part might be their #1 playmaker, Brandon Marshall still not 100% with the playbook.

PROPS: Seeing the Raider garb in the crowd reminded me of a young Commish circa 1989-90 rocking the NWA/West Coast-inspired LA Raider caps. It changed when Ice Cube said on the opening track of Death Certificate "stop giving juice to the Raiders, cuz Al Davis never paid us." I'm not sure if Al owed Cube some cash from selling parking spots at the Coliseum, but my Raider cap was retired after that. Oh yeah, and that whole wearing the cap of your most hated rival thing was a part of it too.

RELATED: Luniz - "I Got Five On It"


Friday, September 25, 2009

Cook it Up

Once I cruise, pay dues, I never lose
When I break on fools, wake up, you don't snooze...

Good Morning Aaron Cook! Have a nice month without pitching? Hope you are up to being at your best tonight pitching versus the Cardinals. Yes, those Cardinals: Albert Pujols, Chris Carpenter, and some dude named Holliday. If you can provide a nice outing it might soothe the past two nights where both your fellow starter Brother Marquis and bullpen mates collectively gagged. Your offense gagged. Hell, even your manager gagged with some of his moves on Thursday. Stop those footsteps coming from the Braves, get that sinker ball working, and hell, sell some tickets and help Nancy slop up some burritoes. No pressure, Aaron, have fun, and make mine egg and potato.

RELATED: Chaka Demus and Pliers - "Murder She Wrote" - ("This girl her name is Nancy, her beauty's like a bunch of rose, and if I ever tell you bout Nancy, you would a say I don't know what I know...)


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Cable or Sausage?


-They are wrapped around the neck of owner-planted assistant coach!

-Served with a Ritz cracker and an olive, they make a great party appetizer!

-Pushing all the right buttons as the Colorado Buffaloes Offensive Coordinator- the 1999 Bowl Champs!

-When boiled in beer and doused with spicy mustard, they set off any tailgate or perhaps an Oktoberfest celebration!

-One type is named after the capital of Austria, which was the center of Cold War espionage!

-Flips the weights on the scale which reads JaMarcus Russell's weight as pushing 300 pounds!

-They can be stuffed with Ricotta cheese and served as a tradtional Italian dish!

-They wave to the freaks dressed as Darth Raider, the Road Warrior Villans, or East Bay skanks after a victory!

-If you poke them when they are too hot, some nasty juice could spray in your eye! Ouch!


Monday, September 21, 2009

Sharpe as a Tack

I rise and shine like the sun on the one
We dance together, we overcome...
PROPS and DROPS from this weekend's CU win over Wyoming and the Broncos' defensive showing versus the Browns:

PROPS: Elvis Dumervil had four sacks, tying a Bronco record. But if you counted his hurries and the steps the Browns took to avoid him, he had an all-world game. The problem is when you run away from Elvis (sounds like a 1960's movie) you run into the teeth of Andre Davis or DJ Williams. The new 3-4 scheme has paid dividends early and often, seemingly transforming the entire defensive mindset. By that, the unit looks like they carry a chip on their shoulder now, as they expect to punish the oppostion. Jamal Lewis isn't a slouch, as physical a back as they come and he didn't do anything yesterday versus the unit.
DROPS: 10:21 in the first quarter: the time showing when boos reigned down on Kyle Orton.
PROPS: Buff linebacker BJ Beatty played Dumervil at Folsom Field, flying all over the field in both pass coverage and with a pair of sacks. The Hawaiian Red Tomato packed plenty of punch as the Wyoming spread more resembled mayonnaise spread. When Wyoming started the game with their running QB, Beatty was there to greet him on every scramble. And as they switched to a passing QB, the D stiffened up and limited the Wyo offense (whose coach, Dave Christensen had put up 100+ points on CU in Mizzou the past two years) to no points.
PROPS: Overheard from the stands as Braylon Edwards enjoyed a stretch where he caught a few easy passes. "Gee, leaving number 17 open and not keeping track of him is a good idea; I mean he's not their best player or anything."
DROPS: Dan Hawkins transformed from Coach Peace N Zen post game to Coach Ahole, as he lectured and belittled the media for criticizing him over the past week. His "how you like me now" attitude was smug and unwarranted. Dan, you beat Wyoming. They will be lucky to win more than four games this year. Man up and go talk about the postives of your win, nothing is served by saying "I told you so" to the assembled scribes.
PROPS: Rodney "Speedy" Stewart was the spark the Buff running game needed, as he scampered and slashed to 100+ yards. He literally hides behind offensive lineman a foot taller than him and employs more spins and quick jukes this side of Reggie Bush getting freaky with Kim Kardashian. Makes Buff fans wonder if super recruit Darrell Scott has UCLA's coaches on speed dial.
PROPS: The Broncos and Pat Bowlen did a great job honoring Shannon Sharpe as he was enshrined on the Ring of Fame. Sharpe returned the favor by parachuting in and having a short but emotional speech thanking the organization. If there's one thing we can see from all these former greats is that they genuinely have a great affinity for Pat Bowlen, thanking him incessantly. Jay Cutler will probably not be expressing those emotions.
RELATED: Three Times Dope - "Greatest Man Alive" - ("Like a speedy Lamborghini we're bound to excel")


Friday, September 18, 2009

Points To Check For

COLORADO SPORTS: Some high-powered Lacrosse magazine has named Our Town as the "Best Lacrosse" town in the world. Right now, Larry in Northglenn is saying "la-what?" At first glance that ranking might seem a bit off, but take a look and it might be well-deserved. When I was in high school there was one kid I knew who played lacrosse, and he had teammates from as far away as Vail and Colorado Springs on his squad, just so they could field a competitive team. Nowadays, scan the suburban fields and you'll see more lax players than baseball. (I'm even using their lingo, "lax.") And even as the SG pokes fun at the Denver Outlaws and Colorado Mammoth, both draw extremely well; and DU hired away a pretty damn good coach frm none other than lax power Princeton to play in their new lacrosse stadium. When I was in college, my roommate got me mini lacrosse sticks and they were exclusively used to chuck beer cans, which I think I will try when I'm near a local youth lax team practice.

HIP HOP: I usually think "followups" to previously released albums by rappers are a pretty lame idea. Seems like just a branding idea: name it the same as your most successful album and people will think it'll be that good. Nearly 15 years ago, Raekwon released his best joint Only Built For Cuban Linkx and since then has dropped unmemorable albums. His new Only Bulit For Cuban Linkx 2 sounds like it could've been released in 1997 as a true followup to the original (although you could argue Ghostface's Ironman was a followup to OBFCL.) The hype surrounding its release is well deserved, as Rae and Ghost hit right off the bat with "House of Flying Daggers" which is a throwback headnodder complete with Shaolin fighting featuring Deck and Meth. Other guests as scattered throughout- Jadakiss, Slick Rick, Cappadonna, Styles P, Beanie Sigel, and production from Marley Marl, Erick Sermon, Pete Rock, and the usual RZA fare (the grimey "Black Mozart".) Lyrically, you're get the coke/crack inspired rhymes that litter the original on tracks like "Pyrex Vision" and an ODB tribute on "Ason Jones." The commercial/hit of the lot ala the Summer of 95's "Ice Cream" could be "Catalina" with the hook by Lyfe Jennings. Overall, this is one sequel worth checking, unlike the seven bucks I'm still owed for Rocky V.

BEER: In just the last decade the Great American Beer Festival here in Denver has morphed into the biggest beer event in the country, as brewers abound descend on the Box State to showcase their wares. This weekend sees the festival again as cab companies, brewers, SG readers, and greasy breakfast hangover joints see their bottom lines or liver enzymes increase.

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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

1937 Represent

Competition may find it spectacular
Scheme and fiend to take a bite like Dracula...

Your Team, the Colorado Buffaloes announced that this Saturday they will wear 1937 throwback uniforms for their all-important game versus Wyoming. 1937 was the year Whizzer White roamed the backfield for the Buffs and lead them to the Cotton Bowl. For those who also don't keep up on their history, White was later appointed to the Supreme Court by JFK and served admirably for decades. How about the Buffs were throwback Justice robes in honor of White?
I really don't get all worked up for special uniforms, whether they are "alternates" or "throwbacks." (Peep the atrocities the Donks will be wearing this Sunday.) My teams could wear whatever- a pink tutu with a rainbow afro wig -if they win, who really cares. It's all about moving merch, and if that increases the AD's bottom line, so be it.
The big question the SG has is will the embattled coaching staff, mainly Chief Zen Hawk be rocking throwbacks too? What would the appropriate throwback be for Hawk? Ringo Starr Indian Buddhist inspired tunic circa late 1960s?
Perhaps Hawk should take a page from his predecessor's book and roam Folsom in full George C Scott general gear. When a player f*cks up, he can snap him with that whip Patton carried around. Damn that whip would get a workout. Maybe he can rock the 1991 satin coat and high hat that Bill McCartney donned. Now Mac wasn't the best gameday coach, but his late 80s fashion was always on point.
Hawk could go Tom Landry and go with the hat and coat and tie. But I'm afraid if he did that the ghost of Landry would come back to earth and smack Hawk in the mouth when some rah-rah pie in the sky bullshit flew out of his mouth.
One throwback CU fans might hope of not hope (depending on where you stand) that Hawk will be wearing is that of an unemployed coach post-game. Lose to the Pokes, and a cardboard "Will Coach...God Bless" might be fitting.
RELATED : Just Ice f/ KRS One - "Going Way Back"


Monday, September 14, 2009

Rockets Glare

PROPS and DROPS from the epic CU free fall that should have every fan gagging, and the miracle Bronco win at Cincy:

The CU Athletic Director Mike Bohn was revising history after the game, trying to tell anyone who would listen that the debacle that had just unfolded was in part due to the "hole" Dan Hawkins was in when he was hired. Perhaps Hawk inherited a team from Gary Barnett that had some issues, but it wasn't a bare cupboard. One, that was nearly four years ago! That is not enough time for Hawk to get the "foundation" in place? Two, the team Hawk got in December of 05 had NFLers in Tyrone Wheatley, Jordan Dizon, and Mason Crosby, three scholarship QBs and a solid RB corp. Three, even Barnett's worst recruiting classes were rated in the 50s by services. For Mike Bohn to try to justify the unfolding collapse of the program by bullshi*tng the fans is akin to lying to us.

PROPS: Brandon Stokely had a subpar game before the miracle end, but just infinitely made up for it the last 25 seconds. Not only did he follow the play and ball on the TD play, but to burn the clock at the end was genius. Remember last year he stopped Brandon Marshall from acting a fool and costing huge field position in a Donks' win.

PROPS: My friend CM had the greatest description ever for the Buffs' offensive philosophy: Plinko. Yes, the Price Is Right game. O-Coordinator Eric Keiseau reaches into the big bag, pulls out a chip (pass, run, long pass, etc) and slips it into Plinko and sees if it works. Like the game show counterpart, the result is usually a box of Rice A Roni.

DROPS: Donk Defensive Coordinator was having a brilliant game until Cincy's final drive. The pass rush that was in Carson Palmer's face from the 2nd Quarter until them suddenly disappeared. Linebackers were in middle-of-nowhere zone coverage, and it is obvious that all of the Donk LBs are best in an "attack" mode.

DROPS: Brandon Marshall was pretty much a no-factor in the game. It could be that the lack of work that Orton missed over the last few weeks played into that. However, this could be a PROP for the rest of the year. With Marshall an after thought it makes him work harder, play harder, and shut his mouth in order to get back into the offense. Couple that with the news that Mike Shannahan was going to cut him, and is it possible we see a humbled Marshall back at Mile High next weekend?

DROPS: How the Buff defensive backs have regressed as far as they have is another mystery going on in Boulder. Last year they were among the top units in the league, but after two weeks of middle of the pack non-BCS receivers flying all over the field, the onus goes back to the coaches. Is DB coach Greg Brown wrongly assuming his pledges have the technique and neglected that during drills? Out of position, no double coverage at key times, and weak run support have plagued the unit. The Toldeo QB was featured on a Heisman ad after the game for gawds sake!

DROPS: Bengal receiver Chris Henry looks like a mesh between some sort of strung out Thunderbird sipper and a Hobbit elf.

RELATED: Kurious - "Walk Like A Duck"

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Friday, September 11, 2009

SGTV for your Fall

Tired of the wick wick wack ish you hear permeating MTV, your local "Hip Hop" station, BET, and those damn kids' down the street car? The SG is your remedy; ditch the Drakes, Gucci Manes, Lil Boosies, Dick Dicky Deezy and the Blingy Boyz, or whoever and check out this shit---

Marco Polo and Torae- Double Barrel - When you mix one of the hottest lyricists out there with one of the finest producers, the result is a stellar album chock full of old school boom bap hard hitting. "That's why me and Marco got into this, we wanted to make a record to make 'em reminisce" Torae lets ya know. And a video with real vinyl, real DJ, no computers or scratch pads here.

Aesthetics Crew - The City Beat - I'm a sucker for West Coast groups that don't have the gun posturing and all that. Old school Hiero or Freestyle Fellowship type ish. These dudes have that vibe in their music and this joint highlights all that: skills, a little more laid back beat, and the Cali lifestyle. Their album "Pandoras Boombox" is one to check for.

Fresh Daily - Untucked Nunchucks - Any track that can work nunchucks into the title is aight with the Slushy Gutter. Love the Brooklyn steez in this video, just an MC walking the streets spitting crazy lyrics referencing everything from Don Imus, Rubik's cubes, Slick Rick, and the "home of the Tims and hoodies."

Brown Bag All Stars - Undeniable - Easy for the SG to be a fan of these cats with plenty of drinking lyrics and drinking jams, images of diggin in the crates, more drinking, and an MC rapping like he's the dude who works down the hall from me. This remix is even hotter than the original from their album "The Brown Tape"

KRS One & Buckshot - "Robot" - These two classic MCs album drops next week, and this is the debut single, giving a glimpse of what is to come on the overall joint. Many studded guests shots including Mary J Blige, Sean Price and most of the Boot Camp Click, and Talib Kweli. This track kind of got buried or overshadowed with the Jay-Z's "D.O.A." but it is still blazin.

Slaughterhouse - "The One" - Yes, this video has the club scene, the drinking scenes, and plenty of scantily clad ladies. But the track is all that, so we'll give it a pass. The Hip Hop super group has come hard with their debut album, and it perplexes me that this joint isn't gettin more mainstream radio love. Joell Ortiz and Joe Budden just completely flip it on the last verse.

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Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Pick Em Up Pick Em Up

Vocal is local so believe that
This chant shan't rely on the strong lap ...

Back again for all you winos, insomniacs, band-aid suckers, sportos, geeks, and general football fiends is the Slushy Gutter NFL Pick Em contest. You win absolutely nothin. That's right, a big pile of flaming hot nothing and you will love it anyway! Witty and clever names are very encouraged. The skinny:

Slushy Gutter 2009 NFL Pick Em

on Yahoo - click here

id = 13984

password = beer

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Monday, September 07, 2009

Hawk Clipped

Gas face given, I beg to differ...

The enduring image I have from the despicable Buffs loss to the Rams last night is of a group of CSU fans yucking it up in the north Folsom enzone and doing snow angels.

It's not the anemic Buff running game struggling to get any yards, a offensive line billed as the real deal unable to open any holes. Heralded running back Darrel Scott sitting on the bench, electric Brian Lockridge barely logging any time won't stick with me.

I wont remember the CSU O-line pushing our defense around and a fifth year Ram QB dropping deep bombs over our corners heads. I'll be hard pressed to remember the boneheaded decision to run to the outside on a key fourth and one and getting stuffed.

Will I remember the boos reigning on the coaching staff throughout the night? Longtime, and I mean die hard fans, questioning their devotion. Will I remember the QB "controversy" that wasn't and the missed passes and dropped passes? The Ram fans partying on our field?

I should remember that this is the beginning of the end for Dan Hawkins. He simply isn't the man for Boulder, his zen and kitsch fits in, but his Xs and Os and personnel decisions don't. His teams get outschemed and out worked by his counterparts. 13 wins in four years, will we remember that?

But there's that kid doing snow angels in the endzone in the September heat. That's in my head, and we're the ones getting the snowjob.


Friday, September 04, 2009

Donks and Drank

When I'm on the mic I make MC's wonder
How I don't make the foul-ups, bleeps or blunders...

Being that it was the fourth and final exhibition game, I watched a grand total of about five minutes of last night's Broncos versus Saints Chargers Cardinals game. However, being that the SG readers demand in-depth analysis, I still am providing the breakdown of what went down in the game:

--The young QB Whathisname looked good. One play he threw a pretty nice pass to that one guy, who broke a couple tackles and also got some good downfield blocking from homeboy. Whathisname was able to get time to throw the ball because them dudes on the o-line stepped up.

--Who grunts better? Biggie on the beginning on "Hypnotize" or Maria Sharapova in any tennis match? Any what was with Maria's 1982 Solid Gold meets Ninja get up?

--The Donk running game was polished, with some swift running from that cat, some nice blocks thrown from that fullback guy, and a power game at the goal line running to the side of whodoyoucallit.

--Two former Slushy Gutter winners hit me up with the Oregon offense going nowhere in their game versus Boise. Why is that significant? Oregon's new OC was held the same position at Colorado last year. His play calling left many Buff fans scratching their heads, as did his delayed handoff in the endzone last night that resulted in a safety.

--Apparently Matt Prater made alot of FGs. Or there were alot of missed two point coversions. Or missed extra points. Or safeties. Either way, the special teams look improved. Or maybe they are really bad. Or they don't have a kicker at all. Or the o-line is pourous when backed up. Or the long snapper sucks.

--I washed some of my daughter's bottles at one point during the night and got to thinking of Houston's DJ Screw and the whole syrup scene. It really isn't too hard to mix up a batch of syrup and get yer freak on for a relatively cheap price. After much debate though, I decided to stick to Coors Light at tailgates and games this year rather than baby bottles of codeine, Sprite, and Jolly Ranchers.

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Tuesday, September 01, 2009

It's Serious in September

I cold chill at a party in a b-boy stance
And rock on the mic and make the girls wanna dance

The month of September looks to be a crucial one for all of our fair state's major teams. By October 1, what we we know?

-BRONCOS- The convergence of an ineffective offense, injuries, rumors (Pat Bowlen may have "forgot" that Jay Cutler called him?), Brandon Marshall, and stale popcorn at Invesco have lead to huge negativity coming from Dove Valley. As lifelong Donk fans, we haven't quite seen this level of gloom and doom since the pre-Elway years. September was to be the "easy" portion of the schedule with winnable games versus the Bengals, the Browns, and the Raiders. Lose all three of those, and the Donks could be looking at an NFL-worst record.

-BUFFS- The season's first month will see the Black and Gold favored in each one of their games. Each one is a unique "trap" game that Hawk's crew can't overlook: the always feisty opener versus the Sheep; a game at Toledo just a scant five days later; and a matchup with Wyoming, who's new coach lit up the Buffs as Mizzou's offensive coordinator the last three years. October 1 will see the Buffs again on national TV at West Virginia, and a 3-0 record could add huge luster to that tilt.

-ROCKIES- Not since the 1995 Wildcard run have the Purp entered September in the thick of the race, both the division and WC. With the majority of their games at home versus teams playing out the proverbial stretch, the Rox have a golden opp to seize the postseason- or gag it away. Nestled in the home schedule is what will most likely determine their fate, a nine game mid-September march through San Diego, San Francisco, and Arizona.

-AVS- The post-Sakic era begins with the local ice hockey team assembling for camp. Can their new staff get a cast of youngsters and plug-ins to mesh? If they can steal some early points, the young Avs could muster a confidence and swagger to make a push for a eight seed. Or they might stumble early, mid-season, and late-season to add anothe rhigh draft pick to the ranks.

-NUGGETS- The hoopers dont have anything scheduled for September, but is the team working hard to erase last season's West Finals disappointment? A even fitter Melo with increased strength could be key with the Nugs again light on the big men. Will Birdman, with his fat contract be more lax this off-season? If September sees a healthy Nene and K-Mart coming into October camp, the front line again could ease concerns. And will the front office use September to send out feelers to bring in more help, especially since their WC rivals did all summer.

-SLUSHY GUTTER- The onset of football season and the baseball pennant race has the collective livers screaming "ahhhhhhhhhh!" Or is it "thank you sir, may I have another?"

RELATED: Leaders of the New School - "What's Next" - ("Sunrise to sunset, yes you will remember, born on the 19th day of September.") and Nine - "Any Emcee" - ("Like C. Boogie Brown I was born on the 19th day of September, Nine: the number one contender!")

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