Thursday, April 30, 2009

Moving On Up

It's been twenty-two long hard years of still strugglin
Survival got me buggin, but I'm alive on arrival...

The Nuggets are moving on to the 2nd round of the playoffs for the first time since 1994 after another big win versus the Hornets:
-The Hornets came out trying anything and everything to try to change the series. Chris Paul wasn't bringing the ball up. Perhaps to keep him fresher? When he did, there were picks in the back court. They doubled Melo alot harder than ever before in the series. All of the tweaks and turns seemed to have an effect early in the game.
-Birdman simply scared the Hornets on more than one instance. By the 2nd half, Hornets' players would get deep into the lane only to see Bird and simply peel off out of lane. His rejection and dunk when the team was down by 9 in the first half saved teh team from getting into too much of a hole.
-Hilton Armstrong? Sitcom character or NBA center?
-Is there an exciting a player as JR Smith? Instant offense; hitting threes within 10 seconds of coming off the bench. On the other hand, he's passing into the third row, turning the ball over on drives versus the whole team. Is there a frustrting player as JR?
-The Hornets realistically had no chance in this series, and now how will there team shake out? Chris Paul could be th eonly one left by next fall. Tyson Chandler was already dealt once, Peja seems more suited to be an off-the-bench spot up player, and the rest of the team sans David West are just NBA "guys" available every off-season.
-First series win in 15 years. 1994 versus 2009: who you got? Dikembe versus Nene: the global battle, call it a push. LaPhonso Ellis versus K-Mart: Martin would eat the smaller Ellis whole. Reggie Williams versus Melo: Williams would give up 10 points before the tipoff. Bryant Stith versus Dahntay Jones: Stith was a surpirsing scorer and good defender, very much in the same mold as Jones, call it a puch. Mahmoud/Robert Pack versus Chauncey: Mahmoud could get his shot against Chauncey, but Chauncey's leadership and court presence wins out. Brian Williams versus Birdman: that would be awesome, a freaking battle, call it even. Rodney Rogers versus JR Smith: both could shoot the rock, but JR way too quick. George Karl versus Dan Issel: hmmm, we know who won that battle.
RELATED 1994: Nas - "Halftime"; Erick Sermon f/Keith Murray - "Hostile"; Smif N Wesson - "Bucktown"


Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Breaking Out in Hive

It's a shame how these MCs are wannabees
front on these and get hung up like dungarees...

The Nuggets grabbed a 3-1 series lead with a beatdown of epic proportions last night, winning 121-63 in New Orleans:
-Anytime a team scores 63 points, it doesn't take Pete Newell to see that three was some terrific defense played. The Nugs started with a stellar defensive performance from the tip off, with Dahntay Jones' suffocating and annoying play on Chris Paul and K-Mart doing his requisite front of David West. On the defensive glass, the Nuggets didn't give up many second chances, outrebounding the home team and simply outworking them for many boards.
-Dahntay Jones is showing more and more as the series moves on. Not only his defensive work on Paul, or his emotion, but now his offense is coming into play. He had 12 points on five for nine shooting and drew defenders to the corners as a three point threat.
-I've seen alot of bad basketball in my years (University of Colorado Hoops; the Paul Westhead "Era") but I don't know if I've ever seen a team look so uninterested as the Hornets reserves in the 4th quarter. Renaldo Balkman, Jason Hart and the Nuggets bench warmers made them look like a rec center team.
-Anyone else notice the fron row guy in the blue blazer who would flap his arms at Chris Anderson each time a Hornet would make a shot in the paint? Even though his team was down by 20? Anyone else notice his big money seat empty the 2nd half (along with most of the arena)?
-Speaking of in the crowd, Nugs' owner Stanley Kroenke was there. Nice outfit, Stan, are you on leave from the Greek Navy?
-The Nuggets seemed determined not to let the Hornets' "energy" guys Sean Marks and James Posey leave their imprint on the game. Posey was harrassed and goaded into four fouls and one technical, and Marks was a non-factor, who had a couple of his attempts blocked and was out muscled under the boards.
RELATED: Cypress Hill - "Phuncky Feel One" - "With the greater lyric, if you can spare it, just an ass kickin, is what you inherit..."


Monday, April 27, 2009

Feeling the Draft

Hey Peter, Peter, you fat pumpkin eater
You know I kicks flavor just like Velveeta...
The Broncos drafted six offensive players and four on the defensive side of the ball this week in the NFL Draft. The SG puts on their Mel Kiper pompadour and breaks down the selections:
Knowshon Moreno, RB- Welcome to the Denver Broncos, Knowshon. There are ten other RBs on the roster. Perhaps we will play all ten at once? let's see those defensive geniuses across the NFL try to defend that!
Roberts Ayers, DE- Yes, it is nearly May and that is snow you see out there, Robert. Hope you brought your moon boots.
Alphonso Smith, CB- Champ Bailey needs you to pick up his dry cleaning, rookie.
Darcel McBath, S- Played at Texas Tech, where they threw 60+ times a game. Therefore, he saw 100+ passes per practice. Expect Darcel to just go looney when Kyle Orton drops back to pass in practice the first time.
Richard Quinn, TE- This screams Tony Scheffler being traded. Good job Quinn, you little homewrecker.
David Bruton, S- Hey, his name rhymes with crouton!
Seth Olson, G- Someone must've told McHoody that 'G' stands for "Get that quarterback!"
Kenny McKinley, WR- Steve Spurrier said that McKinley was the best wide receiver he's ever coached. Somewhere, Travis McGriff weeps.
Tom Brandstater, QB- Hey, his name is 'Tom.' His name ends in 'B.' We picked him in the sixth round! Super Bowl trophies, GQ covers, and hummers from Brazilian super models for everyone!
Blake Schlueter, C- Well dammit, if they are gonna make us draft in the seventh round, we might as well take a center since our center is in his mid 30s. Damn, I guess drafting for our specific needs would've been a good strategy to use this whole time.
RELATED: WC & Maad Circle - "Dress Code" - "Go strike a G.Q. pose, I got soul in my stroll"


Saturday, April 25, 2009

Game Three Stung

-For all the missed FTs, bad quarter finishes, minimal big man play, and questionable officiating, the Nugs had a chance to win it twice in the last 10 seconds. After Melo's late steal, the Nugs wasted time advancing the ball. Perhaps they should've skipped the TO and gone for the win there. However, out of the TO, Melo had a key look, but missed on a pass to KMart. When James Posey missed a FT, Melo's half courter if two inches to the right would've swished through.

-Heroin bloke Sean Marks had a pretty decent game for the Hornets. Keep in mind, this is Sean Marks. Not Sean May, not Shawn Kemp, not Sean Elliot. Sean Marks. And he had a good game versus Nene, who gave the Nugs nothing all day.

-Chris Paul dribbles more than any player in the game. He dribbles in the paint, pulls back out, manuevers around dudes on the ground, dribbles while standing at the urinal. Plus, Byron Scott played him the whole damn game. If he wants to be full game dribble guy, the Nugs need to hack the shit out of him, get real physical, make him think twice about keeping the ball so much.

-George Karl could've made up for Nene's lack of inspired play by getting Chris Anderson in there more. Birdman gives the instant hustle and could've provided a paint presence than his Brazilian teammate.

-The Nugs need to work on their defensive switches. Too many times Paul was matched versus a big man or Anthony Carter finds himself covering David West.

-Free Throws? It's an easy culprit to point at when you miss more than 10. These are professionals, they don't need to be locked in a gym and told to shoot FTs.

RELATED: Wu Tang Clan - "Pinky Ring"- "Floatin on the 95, sting like a killer bee"


Thursday, April 23, 2009

2-0 Mile High Smiles

All you gettin is a can of ass whippin,
Hey, I'll be kickin, you son, you doin all the yappin
Actin as if it can't happen...

The Nuggets cruised to a Game Two win and a 2-0 series lead over the Hornets:

-Carmelo had a "quiet" game with 22 points, but he was money early, hitting his first four shots and sending the Hornets into a state of flux. New Orleans seemed that they could not decide to double Melo or to play him straight up with a single defender. Melo repsonded by dishing out nine assists and brushing off Peja's defense when matched up.

-When Birdman dunked home Chauncey's missed 3 pointer in the 2nd quarter, I might have soiled myself just a bit.

-How annoying is Chris Paul's rolling the ball to mid court every other time up? Especially in the early parts of the game when saving time isn't a premium. Someone needs to make a dive for the ball when he does that. Chances are they'll simply knock Paul on his ass and get called for a foul, but message sent: leave that high school shit back at your local gym. And while your there, stop by the concession stand to support the Chess Club.

-Dahntay Jones was the key in the 3rd quarter. As always he got up in Paul's ass and kept the Nuggets' flowing on the offensive end with some moves to the hoop. His emotion, hustle, and stingy defense is contagious. Keep up with that play, don't grow a greasy mullet and loaf in the outfield, and we may forget about the last Dante here in town.

-George Karl's moves have gone under the radar, but his rotation through the first two games has been steady. He knows when to put the right players in and match them up with the Hornets' counterparts. Perhaps this is best illustrated by JR Smith becoming the defacto "closer" in the 4th quarter; inserted and instantly giving the team points and forcing a tired visitor to keep up with his athletic play.
-First 2-0 series lead since 1984. Who's rocking the Wayne Cooper throwback today?

RELATED: Nipsey Hussle - "Hussle in the House"


Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Hits to the Head

Got em mad and tremblin,
Cause I been up in my lab assemblin...
The draft nerds aficionados are in a tizzy with what will happen with the Donks' sudden interest in USC QB Mark Sanchez. Donk brass flew to LaLa Land yesterday to watch Sanchez toss footballs, run around orange cones, and jump from a standing postition (because this move is often employed during actual NFL games)
Head Coach Josh McDaniels missed the trip, not because he couldn't meet the airlines height requirement, but because he was suffering from a migraine. As MC Serch once said: "migraine, motherfuckin migraine."
Perhaps Minibelichick needs to be shown the Super Bowl XXXII highlights. That was a pretty big day in team history, right? Some guy, Tyler Davis, Terrell Davies or someone, also suffered from a migraine that day. He was pretty good and he gutted it out.
But Davis didn't have to endure the straight lunacy that Joshy Boy has been greeted with and also trying to work the tricky coffee maker in the Dove Valley break room.
It's a wonder that McHoody only is suffering from a migraine, as the drama he has endured the past few months could be worthy of a lobotomy. Plus, dude isn't exactly the most laid back guy. To say he's a bit serious and just a wee uptight would be an understatement. Instead of visiting the doctor to check his head, they should've checked his rear end, and found a former piece of coal that is now the Hope Diamond.
Someone get Josh some of that medicine that TD had in San Diego. Maybe fit him with some braces ala Davis too. Because if he's getting migraines ths early, he could have antlers growing out of his head by October.
RELATED: A Tribe Called Quest - "Buggin Out" - "People be houndin, always surroundin pulsin, just like a migraine poundin"


Monday, April 20, 2009

Smooth Operators

Blue and yellow,
The type of shit that make 'em call you Carmelo...

Random thoughts from the Nugs' Game One crushing of the Hornets:

-As predicted, both teams were full of energy after the opening tip. The ball was bouncing around like a damn volleyball, shots were long, and the Nugs' in particular had some ugly turnovers. Ease off the Red Bull and double lattes in the hours prior to tip; enjoy some relaxing Yoga and camomile tea instead.

-Rasual. Rah-zool. Everybody say it, it's fun!

-If you go back to Chauncey's college days, you may remember CU's first round tourney game versus Indiana (CU and tourney? Surely you joke!). Chauncey took over that game from the get, hitting long threes, calming his spirited teammates, and commanding the attention of the opponent. Fast forward 12 years later, and "Smooth" did the same thing. With Melo playing like an over zealous high schooler at Prom, Chauncey hit ridiculous threes and maintained a presence to keep the Nugs even early on.

-The Hornets' Sean Marks looks like he should be on some BBC sitcom. A chain smoking deli worker? Perhaps a smack addicted relative? Some drunk bloke in a bar?

-Chris Anderson is channelling the 1994 Brian Williams. The shot blocking, the presence in the paint, ability to draw the opponents ire, and perhaps most importantly, emotion. The game slowly tilted the Nugs' way when Birdman checked in and blocked three shots quickly.

-Chris Paul is deceptive with his play. Being hailed the Golden Boy who does everything "the right way" allows him employ some physical play and flop with the best of them. He can also get dirty, as it didn't take a lip reader to see what was coming from his mouth, and it wasn't "vaccum." Dahntay Jones and him had some ACC throwback battles going and Paul is going to get those calls versus Jones. Kudos to the Nugs' for keeping their heads during his tantrums, something that has been hard in years past (see: Ginobli, Manu.)

-Lil Wayne was there looking like the Hip Hop Elvis Costello. No word if he asked to be on a remix of the National Anthem or get Scott Hastings on there with him.


Friday, April 17, 2009

Donks' Schedule is Tougher than Algebra

Days of my Life goes on, word is bond
I make you feel my proton, neutron, and electron
Yo, I be the number one icon...

Remember the scene in The Jerk when Steve Martin gets all amped that "new phone books are here!" That's how it seems when the schedule is released and all the local and national media types trip over eachother to break down every game...five months before the first kickoff.

That being said, the Donks' schedule look particularly daunting, but I'm not going to assign any record prediction when injuries, suspensions, other team's foibles, etc are an unknown quantity. however, a few things stood out to me about the schedule at first glance:

--The first two games are at 8:30PM and the third is at 11am. Oh wait, that's the Nuggets versus the Hornets. Can Lina Kleiza kick? I'll take K-Mart at tight end.

--Septmeber 29 versus the Idaho Xtreme Handball Club. Jake Plummer matches up versus his former team one last time. While Plummer gets the attention, watch out for Potato Pat from Pocatello, he's got a mean backhand.

--Mike Shanahan comes for a visit in October. No, he's not a coach of a new team or working for a network. he's just got several million of team's dollars burning a hole in his pocket, so he chartered a jet to land on the practice field.

--January 3rd is the last game league wide, in what seems to be the latest end of a season in years. Kyle Orton, still recovering from a wicked New Year's Eve, plays the entire game with a lampshade on his head.

--The middle stretch of games is brutal. We're talking a SEC-type parade of big boys here folks. What, the time machine to play the 85 Bears wasn't available either. Seriously, did Pat Bowlen dick down the NFL schedulers wife in a broom closet at the owners' meetings?

--Dorks and "that guy" in your office will make the always lame joke of "they won't lose this week!" the Friday before the BYE week. Taking it a step further, he'll check the 'W' column on everyone's wall schedule. Feel free to piss in "that guy's" coffee.

--That's a Thanksgiving night game at Invesco. Insert "the real turkey will be in the orange unis" joke right here.

RELATED: Mos Def - "Ms Fat Booty" - "Man I smashed it like an Idaho potato"

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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Taxes? What are we talkin bout? Taxes?


--EPMD- Let The Funk Flow- “Relax while I tax, or you can just max
--Company Flow- Vital Nerve- “MC's be disillusioned as hell, them can't hack it
I'ma knock you out your tax bracket”
--Leaders of the New School- Case of the PTA- “poll tax on sheets, five days a week
arrive in the lunchroom, I gotta get some sleep” VIDEO
--Special Ed- Im Taxin
--3rd Bass- Derelicts of Dialect- “In ten spot I got stacks of LP wax, couderoy slacks, loops and sales tax”
--Sheek Louch- Get Money
--Heltah Skeltah- Gang’s All Here – “Straight extorted, like an IRS audit”
--Boogie Down Productions- Who Are The Pimps? – “They're not looking at the color of a human brother, April 15th they're looking at your mother!”
--Goodie Mob- Cell Therapy – “Where my W-2's, 1099's, unmarked black helicopters swoop down and try to put missiles in mines…” VIDEO
--Nice N Smooth – Funky For You – “Redbone booties I'm out to wax, stick up kids is out to tax” VIDEO NOTE: Gangstarr sampled on “Just to Get A Rep” VIDEO
--Slum Village- Get Did Money- “You need to get back like the rebate”
--EPMD- U Gots To Chill – “Sit back and relax, let my rhymes tax” VIDEO
--GZA/Genius- 4th Chamber – “I'm on some tax free shit by any means”
--Compton’s Most Wanted- I’m Wit Dat- “Still, let me kill, and you can pay up the bill”
--Cella Dwellas- Advance to Boardwalk- “On the run from the IRS for income tax”
--Dilated Peoples- Clockwork- “Fuck the IRS, I roll with I-R-I-S, Science the best, so don't test”
--Junior MAFIA- Get Money VIDEO
--Special Ed- I Got It Made- “An accountant to account the amount I spent, gotta treaty with Tahiti cuz I own a percent” VIDEO
--Ed OG & Da Bulldogs- I’m Different- “No comp for this, so why do you persist in this
Go ahead and attempt to; you better be filing exempt too”
--Ice Cube- Bird In The Hand – “Now I pay taxes that you never give me back
what about diapers, bottles, and Similac?”
--Westside Connection- Gangstas Make The World Go Round- “sit back watch my paper
collect like the IRS as I kick it with 50 bitches all on my dick
--Atmosphere- Guarantees- “…my better half is mad at making magic outta canned goods, my tax bracket status got her questioning my manhood”
--Mobb Deep f/Raekwon- Nightime Vultures- “Watch this, gun glock less, fiends scoping out my rock shit, diamond on some H&R Block shit”
--50 Cent- I Get Money
--Non Phixion- Futurama- “My teams fast, the IRS be thuggin' with masks on the run for war games, bugs, and funneling cash”
--Jurassic 5- The Influence- “Speak when spoken to whenever you come through. My vibes fill you, Internal Revenue”
--Too Short- In Da Oaktown- “I give you no refund cause my bass is phat”
--Big Daddy Kane- Pimpin Aint EZ – “I wanna tax that ass like the government”
--Notorious BIG- Juicy- “Phone bill about two G's flat, no need to worry, my accountant handles that “
--Tim Dog f/KRS One- I Get Wrecked- “Wack MC's I just tax, I'll eat tracks shit it out with Ex-Lax” VIDEO
--Dead Prez- 50 In Da Clip- “Word up, time to pay up, put your muscle where your mouth is…”
--Ghostface Killah- Apollo Kids- “Hit the racks, stack 'em up Son, $20 off no tax” VIDEO
--Pharcyde- Groupie Therapy- “…and you're exempt and I won't crimp on a write off”
--Jay-Z- Politics As Usual- “…have a major night off, that's clean money, the tax write-off”

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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Threes For Title

Play AT&T and check the three on your telephone:
D-E-F, then I left to break south
and left a herbal in her mouth...

After the Blazers won two games this weekend the thoughts starting creeping into my head. I Checked the schedule: home versus the Sacramento Kings. Home. I checked the standings: Sacramento Kings, last place, worst team in the NBA. Worst. I checked the roster of the Kings. Nobodies. Northwest Division title and a guarantee of at least a #3 seed on deck. Home court. Setting up to be the #2 seed. Second. Set the alltime Nugs' win record. Historic.

All right there. Should be easy, right?

They couldn't blow this, right? The vets on this team would step up. The crowd would be pumped. Chauncey Freaking Billups, the ultimate team leader, wouldn't allow a loss, right? The Nugs' bench had more talent than the Kings collection of has-beens and "who?"

Yet, there they were, trailing by 11 in the second. The crowd was dead, a strange feeling of "wait and see" the masses have had all year. Turnovers, frustration, some dude named Diogu going off in the post. Uncontested 3's being drained by the Kings.

They could blow this. Nervous fans in Houston, Portland, and San Antonio checked their out of town scores.

Things turned quickly for the Nugs. There was no impassioned speech. No diatribe by the coaches. Nothing Knute Rockne would offer a hearty smile for. Just Nuggets' Hoops we'ver seen all year. First, Chris Anderson got in their heads. A string of blocks, and the most uncounted stat: changed shots. Then Linas Kleiza stepped up, taking it to the hole while the remainder of the squad hung back.

Finally, JR Smith decided the hoops at the Can were liek the Pop A Shot at the carnival. 11 in total, draining them until he had the Nugs' record (sorry Micheal Adams) and one short of the NBA record. Not just regular threes, dude was taking shots that would make 8th graders goofing off from half court proud. The crowd finally sensed that there could be something to this squad...gee, only took 81 games.

One step remains, copping that #2 seed. Not since the days of Dan Issel, rainbow unis, Alex English's broken hand, and TR Dunn's curl have a Nugs' team been in position to play into the Western Finals.

All right there. Should be easy, right?

RELATED: Redman - "Rockafella" - ("The new stuff, creamin brothas like Breyer's/He's heating up, nah brother, I'm on fire!/Dribble dribble shootin three pointers to the drum trick..."


Saturday, April 11, 2009

Opening Day 09

Rhymes get twisted, brain cells dissolve
As the world revolves, wack crews lick my balls...


-Three time Slushy Gutter winner T-Dub is warned by his wife to not ask anyone to "show me your tits" this year. I correct her that he never actually asked to see tits, he simply chanted "tits." She does not appreciate the clarification.

-Clarence Cricket cannot make the game, opening a spot for three time Slushy Gutter winner JL Smooth. Unfortunately, he is in a training class for work. He raises his hand and gets a bathroom pass from Mr Kotter and totally ditches out.

-First pitch is four hours off but TDub drives through LoDo like he's Jeff Gordon. Hey, there's beer to be drank.

-The word "chonska" is uttered.

-Juck decides to take a leak in the parking garage; preemptive strike.

-LoDo has morphed into a weird hybrid of Mardi Gras, a swap meet and a fashion show. People are giving out more free shit than Matthew Lesko.

-We enter the first bar, there is a mother enjoying the day with her two kids. Baseball: the great generational outing. She pounds a beer while the tykes have sippy cups. Alcohol: Mom's way of coping.

-10:41am- beer #1. Trav texts and asks why we were starting so late.

-Iron Maiden plays on the overhead. Damn, I shouldve worn my jean jacket.

-Our buddy Keith shows up and he is "pumped", he is so excited I think he may crap his pants.

-There's a guy in a old truck collecting pallets. This strikes me as odd to do in LoDo on Opening Day, maybe he will hand out the pallets with free Lays Potato Chips.

-There are about 100 Red Bull girls outside the bar. They are either aggressively marketing or planning on taking over the block with military force.

-In the bar there are scores of very attractive girls, beers flowing, baseball on TV. But what catches my attention? A little kid has the same toy with him that my daughter has. What can I say, that's where I am in life these days. Somewhere the 24 year old Commish wants to kick my ass.

-Former Donk kicker David Treadwell is there, although I think it is former Nugget Mark Randall (Treadwell= 6ft 3in, Randall= 7ft) Keith remarks he wants to "kick him in the nuts for those misses versus the Raiders.)

-You are at Opening Day: baseball, outdoors, beer, friends, cheering. You are not clubbing in a swanky martini bar. If you are wearing a fancy shirt, slacks, and sleek shoes, you are a douchebag.

-We are on the move to another bar, but that term is used loosely as the only beer they have is Corona. T-Dub remarks it tastes like "a sweat sock."

-At the bar is a large business group, complete with name tags. There are a couple of unused name tags, so me and JL decide that we will wear them. JL is now Van Kordell and the Commish is now Sean Novac of some random banking outfit. We wear them all day.

-Cole Hammels sounds like an 80s movie bad guy. Isn't he they guy who kicked Ducky's ass in Pretty In Pink?

-Dexter Fowler is called out for running out of the baseline, prompting Tangerine to get a bit heated on the umpires. It gives us a chance to get more beers.

-The Rox jump all over Hammels early. The home team is going Daniel-son on his Cobra Kai ass!

-Keith has gone missing. We scan the dugout and see him telling Ryan Howard how "pumped" he is to be there. Howard, who continues to hit into DPs, is not amused.

-Fly ball! Heading toward me...coming closer...right there...ouch! Fly balls are hard on the bare hand. Luckily, my beer is safely under my seat.

-Game over, and the Rox have an impressive win. More beers ensue. Douchebag factor in LoDo is also increasing. Drunk fan factor in LoDo is very high (present company included.)

-Over the years Ive given TDub scores of new, trendy, cutting edge, contemporary Hip Hop. I extolled the quality of scores of Golden Age releases from the Alkaholiks to Fat Joe's first CD to lesser Wu releases. Yet what are we listening to on the way home? Tone Loc
Loc'd After Dark.

-I'm pretty hungry so we stop at not Taco Bell or order a pizza, maybe a burger. No, we stop at a conveinence store and I buy a fruit punch Gatorade, a spicky Slim Jim, and a bag of honey peanuts. Nutrition right there son.

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Thursday, April 09, 2009

You Must Learn're wack to me,
Take them rhymes back to the factory...

After a 9-2 demolition of the D-Backs in the desert, have we learned anything about our 2-1 Purp? Maybe...

...Yorvit Torrealba is still on the team. Seriously, I thought he retired or played for the Expos.

...Don Grimace Baylor's work as hitting coach will pay dividends with the young players this year.

...Dexter Fowler will be fawned over for a few weeks until he begins the standard May-June rookie slide.

...Clint Hurdle's ability to pick the right lineup will be seriously tested over the course of the year. The bench on this team is very capable and the right matchings can create serious matchup problems.

...Alana Rizzo: insert pitching rubber metaphor here.

...Ian Stewart looks like the dude on your softball team who doesn't warm up, dresses like a slob, drinks three beers before the game, and still belts a HR each time.

...Franklin Morales only problem could be between his ears. If dude keeps his head like yesterday, things could go well for him.

...The SG Crew's collective livers are shaking over Opening Day.

RELATED: CPO f/ MC Ren - "Ballad of a Menace" - "...not to be confused with that of a grimace"


Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Snake Bitten

Time for a station... identification
Wack rappers, open up your eyes, time for lyrical elevation...
Well I guess I'll have to hang onto those "162-0" t-shirts for another year. My "Perfect Rocks" tagline won't be needed this year.
The Rockies made sure of that in their strange Season Opener versus the Snakes, watching a wild 9-8 loss.
I say strange because if you're looking at the game as what is to be expected of the upcoming season, it surely didn't seem like it.
The "stapposed" ace of the staff was in the showers while alot of the drunk frat boys were still arriving at the ballpark. Seth Smith, one to cause concern in the lineup, because he's Seth Smith blasted a HR late in the game. The bullpen that we kept hearing was improved didn't look too "improved." Ian Stewart, who allegedly plays the infield with a frying pan, looked particularly adept and fluid at 2nd base. (Seriously though, Stewart needs to be in there everday.) And the reemergence of Todd Helton translated into a 1-4 day.
About the only thing that went according to script was Chris Iannetta is on track to be the Rox first stud catcher ever and Clint Hurdle looked like he was wondering where he parked his car.
As baseball goes though, there's another game today, and after that there's 160 more. Let's hope those go a bit better, because I'm holding out hope those "161-1" hats will fly off the shelves.
RELATED: Eric B. & Rakim - "Juice (Know The Ledge)" - "When I cook beef, the smoke will never clear, areas interfere but this here's severe"


Friday, April 03, 2009

Run-DMC: Kings of Rock Hall of Fame

Run-DMC gets their ultimate dap this weekend as they take their rightful spot in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. We all know what the trio from Queens did for the Hip Hop game, so I’d thought I’d throw out a few random Run-DMC thoughts on this induction weekend.

TOUGHEST: Tougher Than Leather is their best album, just nudging out Raising Hell. Yes, Raising Hell completely changed the face of rap music, and it has been called the first true “b-boy album” but TLT offered tighter lyrics, more complex beats, and the top Run-DMC track ever. Underrated and panned at the time in 1988, Tougher than Leather lead off with the gimmicky single “Mary, Mary”, sampling the old Monkees’ track. The trio also incorporated some soul with a Temptations’ sample on “Papa Crazy.” “Beats to the Rhyme” features the patented switch off rhyme style with some ill Jam Master Jay cuts (the sample from that track “dance to the rhythm, the rhyme, the cold flow” on Company Flow’s “End to End Burners” is just sick.) JMJ also flexes his prowess on the simply titled “They Call Us Run-DMC.”

DON’T WALK: Mainstream critics always point to their collabo with Aerosmith on “Walk this Way” as a watershed moment in the genre. This is very true, however it doesn’t address one simple fact: the song was and still is completely wack. Jay flipping the original break beat is the best part, as Run and D spitting the original lyrics was very ho-hum. Check the album version of the track with the never ending guitar solo that was nauseating. Imagine today if a contemporary rapper remade a late 80s metal track; it would ridiculed by the Hip Hop realm. I would’ve loved to see a true version with Run and D spitting over the breakbeat hidden somewhere on a b-side.

NO FEATURING: These days you’ll be hard pressed to find any Hip Hop act with no guests on their albums. Back in the early days, the guest spots weren’t nearly as frequent, but you’d usually see a few here and there. Not Run-DMC, as their first five albums featured no one else rapping. And when they finally relented and went with a few guests it was the classic “Down With The King” with Pete Rock and CL Smooth both dropping gems that incorporated the original “Sucker MCs” lyrics.

THE HOUSE: In a catalog with tons of choices, “Run’s House” gets my pick as the greatest of the lot. The scratching, the chorus, the video (I wore out the tape I recorded that on; them just chilling in the park rapping, the masses following them down the block…classic.) The final verse by DMC you can practically feel his presence when he’s spitting as the beat just stops: “use a strategy to get the best of me, you dirty rat emcees…”

HOLLIS CLAUS: If you don’t think “Christmas In Hollis” is the greatest Christmas song of all time, you probably kick the Mall Santas in the nuts too.

ON DECK: With Run-DMC getting in the HOF, I’d hope some other Hip Hoppers follow. Bet that Public Enemy or the Beastie Boys will be going in soon. LL Cool J might be about due soonafter, with a darkhorse being A Tribe Called Quest.

TAKE IT PERSONAL: It is so cliché to say a band or group changed your life. But Run-DMC changed my life. They got me into Hip Hop. The music, the culture, all of it. It wasn’t a gradual process, I didn’t ease into it. It was simple: I heard Run-DMC, I copped the vinyl the next day and that was the end of me listening to any other type of music. I wore out that damn record and scoured the liner notes. From those notes I went and got Whodini albums, The Fat Boys, LL and the like. I rocked adidas sweats, backwards ball caps, had to go to one store in particular to get Word Up magazine, found the only Black radio station in Denver at the time (KDKO, son!) and met the few kids around who shared my new found passion. While 99% of my classmates were loving Bon Jovi, I was taping the 30 minute public television’s “Rhythm Visions” that was on at 11pm.

My Pops bought me a Run-DMC poster and that damn thing followed me from childhood home to a high school move, to college, to my post-college tenement style apartments. When I finally was able to buy my own spot, that poster, a bit tattered and torn went up in the dusty one car garage. When I got married and moved on up, the poster came too, and it is battered and beaten in my garage to this day. Kings of Rock, indeed.


Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Bowlen Breaks Em Off

Pat Bowlen: H.O.I.C.

Head Owner In Charge.

If there was any doubt who is Big Poppa in Dove Valley, it ended last night when Mr. Bowlen basically gave Jay Bay Bay Cutler a big "get the fuck outta here." Sheeesh, he's even got me calling him Mr. Bowlen.

Bowlen oversaw the organization moving up to draft Cutler. He watched as they benched a veteran QB who lead them to within a step of the Super Bowl to start a rookie Cutler. He gave stood by and helped him with his diabetes. He called him the "franchise" player when they fired the former "franchise" coach. Most importantly, he signs his checks.

So, when your boss' boss calls you, you best answer or call back with a hearty "yes sir."

This isn't some Al Davis power play; a Steinbrenner-esque show of force; it's freaking common sense in the working world. Yes, teh NFL might be different from our daily jobs but the premise is the same: when the big cheese wants to talk, you best talk.

Fortunately, there is an abundance of teams that will be willing to trade for Cutler and up the ante for the Donks. And the new QB better drive straight to Dove Valley and shake Mr Bowlen's hand and get to work.
Better yet, kneel and kiss Bowlen's ring. He has two.

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