Sunday, May 29, 2011

Hip Hop Fact Checker: Phife

Song: "Award Tour"

Artist: A Tribe Called Quest (Phife Dawg)

The Claim: "Comin with more hits than the Braves and the Yankees"

Breakdown: By our count A Tribe Called Quest had eight tracks that could be considered a "hit" (each of the first three albums singles.) Another six-seven album tracks ("Butter", "Suck N*gga", et al) could be considered a "hit" and a few remixes ("Scenario Remix".) Phife himself had one single off his solo debut that generated a little buzz, 2000's "Flawless." In addition, Phife also had a cameo on the Fu-Schnickens' bangin 1992 hit "La Shmoove" as well as the classic "Buddy Remix" from De La Soul. All in all, we'll give Phife a total of 19 hits.

The Braves (14) and Yankees (9) hit total from last night easily exceed Phife's total number of hits. However, if we take the Braves and Yankees hit total from their last regular season game of 1993 (Midnight Marauders wasn't released until November of that year) one would see the Yankees had four hits; two coming from 2B Pat Kelly) and the Braves belted out 12 hits versus the year one version of your Colorado Rockies (including one by Mr. Halle Barry himself, David Justice, his 40th.) The Yankees and Braves hit total on that day was a combined 16.

Conclusion: Phife did, in fact, come with more hits than the Braves and the Yankees.

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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Bathroom Bar Art #5

FOUND BY: Commish CH
WHERE: Boulder, CO at Rio Grande Restaurant & Bar

Add your captions and comments in the 'Comments' section.

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Monday, May 23, 2011

Lost in Wisconsin

All the momentum the Rox had from Giambi's big night in Philly went kaput this weekend in Milwaukee. Brooms were in order as the Cheeseheads made quick work of the Purp and sent them back to Denver just barely above 500, falling further behind the Giants and just a half game ahead of the D-Backs.

Outside of starting pitching, the Rockies' woes are basically anything that comes into play in the game of baseball. Hitting, both a lack of timely hits and any hits, continues to be troublesome. Defense is suspect at best (why Dexter Fowler is diving for Ryan Braun's ball yesterday is beyond anyone. We know Dex is a bit tall, but Mark Eaton could've dove for that ball and missed it. Yep, I worked Mark Eaton into a baseball post.) And of course, there's the bullpen, which completely gagged on Friday night and is beginning to see somewhat of a makeover. Finally, you have idiots from this blog trying to get some shine with lame texts on the broadcast.

RELATED: Lord Finesse f/Sadat X - "Actual Facts" - ("It goes dip dip diving...")


Friday, May 20, 2011

Giambi Giant

Little Leaguer, my phonics is on some clearly ironic shit
like hittin pick six on the day of the apocalypse

Yesterday's chatter about the Rox involved Jason Gimabi, and how he was slowing down and perhaps was a liability to the team off the bench in pinch hit situations. His whiff at the end of the end of Wednesday's game on a 93 MPH fastball didn't endear him to the Purp Masses. (In fariness, I thought the preceding pitch- a called second strike six inches off the plate- messed with his head and caused him to overswing at the very next offering, which teh pitcher knew would happen. A decided advantage.)

Almost on cue, Giambi took over last night's game and seeded the eastern Pennsylvania clouds with three dingers. Most impressive are the names of the players he joins: Musial, Reggie Jackson, Ruth, all playuers with three homers in one game over 40. Equally impressive were his chances to join the elite four homer club, which includes one Bob Horner, who rocked the coolest white man gheri curl/mullet/bleach blond haircut ever.

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Thursday, May 19, 2011

Random Axe - "The Hex"

Hip Hop supergroups produce varying results, from the good (Westside Connection, Slaughterhouse) to the blah (The Firm) to the rumored (The Commission, Nasal Tounges) to the icons (NWA, Wu-Tang.) After hearing Random Axe's first few joint, they could be poised to join the high echelons. Consisting of Guilty Simpson, Sean Price, and Black Milk, the trio will be hitting your summer smack dab in the face. Sean P further cements his status as one of the greatest in the current game and Black Milk not only provides some bangin production but a viable third MC voice. Cop it June 14 on Duck Down.


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Coors Complainer

I told ya before we come back wit more hits

The Rockies finally got over on their Bay Area tormentors (no, not Oaktown's 357) last night with a 7-4 come-from-behind win at Coors. Tulo was clutch, Cargo hit a bomb, and Hustin Street was nails in the ninth. Like it was 2009 all over again! One thing that wasn't any different was the little dude on the hill for the Giants, arguing pitches. Who was that guy anyway?

-The actor from the UPS Whiteboard commercials? (previously brought up)
-The dude you saw at Araphoe Basin's beach in a Subaru hatchback listening to Phish and smoking a roach.
-Opera Man
-Julie Foudy and Gheorge Muresan's love child.
-A character from Mark Harmon and Kirstie Allie's 1987 classic "Summer School"
-Some dude in the park with bright strings bracelets, sporting Simple sneakers, Umbro shorts, and a hemp necklace playing soccer with Steve Nash.
-I don't know but he never wore a backpack but instead used one of those over the shoulder briefaces.
-One of the guys from "Good Will Hunting" who hung out with the "how you like them apples" dounchebag.
-Cy Young Winner. Nah, can't be that guy.

RELATED: Hieroglyphics - "You Never Knew"


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Donks: Talking About Practice?

Stopped at the store to buy me a Cisco
A 40 ounce and some crackers by Nabisco...

A few years back myself and some members of the Slushy Gutter Consortium played on a company sponsored softball team. I'm sure most of the readers (the handful of you) have at one point done the same, as it is a suburban tradition that rivals that of giant eagles painted on truck back windows.

Every late April or early May, the "coach" of said team would try to organize a preseason "practice," so you know, we could get a jump on the other seven teams in the glorious quest to win a t-shirt.

This practice would finally be settled on some random Saturday morning, about eight of the 14 players who signed up would show. One dude would bring his bratty kid, a couple younger guys would roll up 45 minutes late looking like it was a long night. Inevitably, one guy would show up sporting jeans and a collared shirt. And the always present "softball guy" would be there with his fancy bat and full uni.

The "practice" would consist of everyone present taking a dozen or so cuts at the "plate" (which was usually someone's sweatshirt or a Wendy's drink tray. No one would play any position, but rather congregate in small groups around the field and try to catch the balls. Since there would only be two or three balls (one of which was found at the bottom of a ball bag that was previously used as a dog toy) there was more time chasing wayward hits than any actual practice.

One guy would have to leave early to pick up his daughter from dance class, and one guy would be on his celly talking to his wife about tile selections for the bathroom. Most guys were wondering if it was too early to hit the bar afterwards ("hey man, they open at 10:30, we can go by for a quick one!")

The "coach" would try to talk to the players ("Our first game is versus Martin Engineering. Remember they have those two lefties that killed us last year?" Actually, I do not remember that, coach. I do remember Gonzalez from accounting getting ejected for having a beer in the dugout though. And I remember Terry in logistics passing out in the parking lot at 11pm that one game, but I don't actually recall any game action coach.)

I'm rehashing all this because the local National Football League team, the Denver Broncos are holding similar practices right now at South Suburban Rec Center. An NFL team, where billions of dollars flows, "practicing" at the same place where there are Mommy and Me Little Swimmer classes.

Enough of this lock out. We all know it is tired and we are all going to get pissed off if it keeps going. That goes for owners, players, and Gonzalez from accounting.

RELATED: Lauryn Hill - "Everthing Is Everything" - ("from the beginning my practice extending across the atlas")


Monday, May 09, 2011

Hella Swept

The Rockies' 0-fer in the Bay over the weekend prompted this text exchange between myself and Slushy Gutter Alum Broz:

CH: I will fight the whole Rockies bullpen. Not just one dude but every one of those guys. At once. Like some Enter The Dragon type ish.

MB: I would love to help. Seriously.

CH: Numchucks and aluminum bats. Maybe some brass knuckles.

MB: Bike chains. Sock full of quarters.

CH: Make a reservation for them at a nice restaurant and when they show up just start going nutso with an ice pick.

MB: (after Saturday loss) Christ. Really?

CH: Paulino. Maybe duct tape him to a street post, cover him with steak sauce and call in the stray dogs?

MB: Fire ants. Eaten alive by fire ants.

RELATED: Puff Daddy f/ Notorious BIG - "Victory" - ("Brass knuckles and flashlights")


Thursday, May 05, 2011

Buffs Stack Cheddar

You can't stop my riches, even if you got MC Hammer and those 357 bitches...

The Pac 12 and CU inked a major TV deal that banked some major coin for the member institutions:

-Larry Scott. Straight up gangsta. Brass. Pimp. Call him what you want but dude went in guns blazing and wrecked shop on the networks. It's hard to believe this cat used to be the head honcho at tennis. I'm not sure what tennis (Andre Agaassi's denim shorts organization) but he's carved out himself as David Stern-like muthafucka.

-One minus, although really minor, is that the games will be spread out over ESPN, Fox, FX, FSN, and Home Shopping Network. OK, I made the last one up, but the casual football fan might actually have to work to find out where the game is on.

-Everytime I see a story about CU and the Pac-12 I read/hear they "fit culturally." Keep it real, folks, that loosely translates to "they all smoke a lot of ganja."

-CU cannot get all crazy with this money and start building crazy additions, adding new sports, and buying gold plated waterbeds. Bank this cash through the honeymoon period with Jon Embree and Tad Boyle. Get a base of season tickets and donors. Supplement the existing sports (the ski and cross country teams are national caliber yet are housed in high school like settings) and give raises to worthy assistants. When that has settled, go ahead and install the massaging fingers in Folsom Field seats and buy Harleys driven by bikini models to shuttle the players up the practice fields.

-The SG's main concern looks to be satisfied: that every football game is televised. In a day and age of thousands of outlets, it was mind boggling that we had to sit around a radio and listen to a broadcast. The after-game fire side chats with FDR were cool, but I won't mind seeing those go by the wayside.

-IF (a big IF- is a "big if" called a "bif"?) they do go down the path of perhaps adding a new sport, baseball cannot be considered (the weather in the region makes it just too hard to get any sort of season that is consistent) and neither can hockey (Colorado had three NCAA tourney teams in the sport and the costs are through the roof. Plus there isn't any viable ice on the entire campus other than frosty beer mugs.) The one sport would have to be lacrosse, as Colorado is a huge youth lax market. Back when I was in high school (when lax sticks were made of T-rex bones) there was maybe five to seven high school lax teams. Now, I see the state tourney has 24 teams. There is tremendous boy and girl talent in state and a natural rival in emerging power DU just up the road.

RELATED: Wu-Tang Clan - "C.R.E.A.M."


Monday, May 02, 2011

Miller Time

Drop albums non-stop once a year for my fans sake
I crush mics until my hand breaks

ESPN wouldn't let Slushy Gutter into the NFL draft this year, so we had to watch from the comfort of our own war room. How it went down:

-Von Miller at #2 for your Donks was the safe pick, but is it a pick that can generate five to ten All-Pro years at the position? Is Miller the next Al Wilson (a steady player, but certainly not dominant) or the next Ray Lewis? With the #2 pick, one would hope that Miller is the latter without the ATL stabbing. Miller has the fresh glasses and nice guy outlook, but can he be the rock in the middle for the next decade?

-You hear of building from the "inside out" when talk of growing a defense and the Donks neglected the first part of the "inside": any defensive tackle. They were poised in the beginning of Day Two to take some beef for the middle (Oregon State's Stephen Paea would've been a nice addition) but went in a complete different direction stocking up on two safeties and two tight ends. Rumors have the team stocking the interior middle via the free agency route. Stop us if you've seen this before but there's not enough megabytes to list the Bronco busts at D Line that came in through free agency. And there's that little matter of the lockout, which prevents that route too.

-Colorado's Jimmy Smith was dogged by his off-the-field issues all month, and how does he show up on your TV for the draft? In a short sleeved scarface t-shirt, his tats blazing, with a deep scowl, hanging next to notorious d-bag Drew Rosenhaus. Image is everything Jimmy.

-Man, who would've ever ever ever thought that the New York Jets would take Buff WR Scotty McKnight? Good for him, but there could be some tension in the Jets locker room with Sanchez's best friend trying to make the squad.

-Rumors have DeAngelo Williams being pursued by the Donks when the lockout ever ends. A RB from the coach's former team coming with him to the new team? Stop us if you've seen that before.

-I like the additional LB selections of Mike Mohammed and Nate Irving. The corps should be stacked for a few years to come and special teams get a major youth and speed upgrade.

-My initial feeling was that this draft was a complete bust outside of Miller, however after a day of settling in, Donk fans have to eralize that this team isn't going to fixed via one draft. This will be a multi-draft and key free agent process. Ticket printers of metro Denver be aware: the Broncos will not be needing your services for playoff ducats until mid-decade.

RELATED: Scarface - "On My Block"

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