Friday, May 28, 2010

The Points Throwback Version

Lets take a sec to think back...

-Former CU Buff Alferd Williams was elected to the college football hall of fame, the fifth Buff to be enshrined and first from the Mac glory years. There could be a few more from his generation (Joe Garten, Eric Bienemy, Matt Russell, maybe Darian Hagan) to get some consideration. But this is Alferd's moment, as he is a true bleed Black and Gold Buff as there is (check the emotional Al as he is told of the honor- hard for us fellow Buffs not to get a bit misty.) I've seen a lot of players in Boulder, but Alferd had the fastest first defensive step off the edge. It always seemed Al was two to three strides around the edge by the time a offensive tackle even got his hands up. Big ups.

-With the unofficial start of summer this weekend, the mind gets to thinking of years gone by and the Summer music scenes. It seems that no matter what type of music you enjoy, that Summer always brings back some memories of a certain album, group, or song that framed the soundtrack of what was the haps in your own life. Hip Hop is no exception, as the Summer always brings the ruckus of back in the day. So what is the best Summer of Hip Hop music? 1992 was strong, perhaps the power of the group. Cypress Hill was still blowing up, with House of Pain continuing the vibe (couldn't go to a party in 9-2 without "Jump Around.") Quality releases from Gangstarr, Fu Schnickens, Showbiz and AG (can I get a soul clap?), Pete Rock and CL Smooth, Yo! MTV Raps and Rap City, the innovation of Das EFX, EPMD's final release before breakup, a host of singles and b-sides and the beginning of the Death Row Era with Snoop and Dre's "Deep Cover."
I've always considered the Summer of 1998 a darkhorse, as it seemed to be the last summer before Hip Hop became so fragmented. DMX was hitting hard, another quality Gangstarr release, Lauryn Hill, Xzibit came with his quality sophmore effort, and the pure sickness that was Big Pun's debut.
But for my money I've always had a soft spot for the Summer of 1995. The young Commish had one of those summers we all fondly remember and Hip Hop was at the forefront. The music had that rugged, East Coast vibe, Biggie was still blowing up (his Junior Mafia verses were just bananas- "if robbery's a class, than I passed it"...damn), and lyricism seemed to be at a premium (as Special Ed asked on "Lyrics.") Wu was not even at their peak, as Rae's "Ice Cream," Meth and Mary's "You're All I Need" and ODB's debut were on blast all summer. "Shook Ones" and those kids with the Hennessy shirts, Nine, Big L, and Primo's Group Home. Funk Flex brought toghether Biz, ODB, and Charlie Brown on "Nuttin But Flavor." Channel Live with KRS (I loved how they never had a "featuring KRS-One" on "Mad Izm" they just - bam! - came out wit the track and there he was.) Smif N Wesson flipping Grover Washington's "Just the Two of Us" on the "Wreckonize" was just ill, and of course Naughty came with their last Summer Anthem with "Feel Me Flow." Das Efx bounced back after a subpar second album with the "Real Hip Hop" and even the most fervent East Coast heads were humming "I Got Five On It."
-Hey! It's the first day of summer, we should get toghether and drink 528 beers! Or better yet, 5280 beers between nine of us! Oh wait, been there done that. Once again, there will be no Slushy Gutter Summer Challenge this year. My liver just can't fathom the thought. I retrospect, 2007's group challenge was just redonkulous with how many brews were downed. Check the side bar for the trip down memory lane, you might get a buzz from the transcriptions.

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Thursday, May 27, 2010

88 Styling

I make fresh rhymes daily
You burn me...really?
After another top-notch performance, Ubaldo Jimenez's ERA now stands at 0.88. Playing high/low, Price Is Right style (you can even bang the models like Barker did) are the following higher or lower thatn Ubaldo's ERA: (you can win a beautiful Chevy Nova and a ceramic giraffe!)
-The grade point average of the mid-90s Nebraska football team.
-The blood alcohol level of the SG readership after "just one more" whiskey sour
-Percentage of people who want to hear more updates about the messiah: Mr Tim Tebow and if he sent replanted the trees that blew over in the wind storm this week
-Percentage of sane thoughts, principles, and football knowledge that comes out of Dan Hawkin's pie hole.
- .88? That's my home for hot hits on the radio dial! I called 50 times last night to hear Young Doo Doo Stain's new blazing hit "Trapper Keeper Stuntin"!!
-Former Rockies pitcher John "Wayback" Wasdin's ERA...after four pitches.
-Height in inches that Josh McDaniels is taller than Earl Boykins.
RELATED: Boogie Down Productions - "My Philosophy" - ("Fresh for 88...")


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Grand Junction Jackin

In eighteen months she came and I let her back in...and now she's sniffing again...

The Chosen One was in Colorado last weekend.

And he's coming back this weekend.

Gasp! Golly! Hyperventilate! Freak panic attack that makes you fall out a window!

Sorry, it wasn't his highness from Cleveland checking into playing for the Nuggets, but rather Bryce Harper, the young baseball phenom dubed "baseball's LeBron" by the masses. The quick rundown on Young Harper (there's probably some bad rapper out there with that name, and I don't apologize): he's 17, he graduated early from high school and enrolled at the College of Southern Nevada (I'm sure that CSN is an academic powerhouse on par with UNLV), he hit the longest home run in Tropicana Field history (sorry Evan Longoria, don't be named after some soap opera tart), he has 23 dingers this year, and he is expected to be the #1 pick this summer.

This weekend he was in the Southeastern Colorado metropolis of Lamar where he single handily won the Juco College Regionals. His line in the final: 6 for 6 with four homers and 10 RBI. Coors Field circa 1996 on a drum of steriods called to question that. The scores were more of the football variety, as the winds here in the BoxState were enough to not only ruin your hairdo, but perhaps peel part of your scalp off. His reward? A trip across the state to Grand Junction to the Juco College World Series, a Grand Junction staple for decades.

If memory serves correct, the stadium in Grand Junction faces northeast, about three to four miles from the highway. If Harper gets the right conditions, he damn well might launch a ball into the grocery truck heading for your local store.

RELATED: Tony D - "Check The Elevation" - ("...up on my high horse and breeze on my course")


Friday, May 21, 2010


Crazy air freshener, who needs cologne...

In what seems a weekly occurence Ubaldo Jimenez went about his business and dominated his opponent last night. The unfortunate victims were the Houston Astros, who flailed at the lanky Dominican's pitches like overzealous Golden Retreivers falling for the old "mock throw" technique (most of the SG Crew wil fall for the same trick as long as it's a cold Coors Light and not a ratty tennis ball. On second thought, we'll fall for the tennis ball thing too.)

The only drama of the night came in the 7th innning when Ubaldo hit a dribbled to third and tweaked his hammy coming out of the batter's box. You could cut the concern with not only a knife, but a machete, a sword, and a farming combine. It sounded like Drew Goodman was about to start crying. Back home in Denver, GM Dan O'Dowd probably broke the glass on the cabinet labeled "Ubaldo" and snorted a line of coke. Jim Tracy had to be coaxed from underneath the bat rack where he was in the fetal position chanting "mommy." The tension even reached the extended Rockies family, as Dante Bichette couldn't quite finish the 11th piece of pizza.

Alas, Ubaldo was alright. Things were good again in Rockies-ville. At least for one out of five nights.

RELATED: Big Daddy Kane - "Rap Summary (Lean On Me)" - ("...this is for your own concern")


Thursday, May 20, 2010

Fashawn: Samonsite Man

One one hand this video and song makes me crack a smile: great beat, Fashawn is a superb MC, the video is very original, great sample, a track with a different subject, the complete Real Hip Hop package. On the other hand, a video and track like this won't really get to the people. For one, there's really no video outlets, and there's no rims/champagne/bikini clad chicks or lackluster rappers in this track. Choose the former...keep it moving Real Hip Hop.


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Chewed At Wrigley

And while you were banging on tables, I was bangin Snow White...

Thoughts to myself as I watched the later portion of the Cubs versus Rockies game last night.

NOTE: I only watched the latter part of the game because I was watching "Dancing With The Stars." Hate away. Part of it is the wife watches the show and the other part is have you seen Erin Andrews half naked without getting a computer virus? Also...Pussy Cat Doll Nicole Schrezererererer. Meow.

NOTE II: Still not sure how a person who dances for a living gets cast in a show which is supposed to take non-dancers. Yet she says she has no advantage because she isn't trained in the dances they perform. That's like Elvis Dumervil not having an advantage in a Football Defense Contest because he's only a linebacker.

NOTE III: Kareem Abdul Jabar and Rick Fox sitting right beside the dance floor and Rick Fox sporting a Sadaam Hussein-like beard. I guess when you've spent the better part of a decade banging Vanessa Williams, then dumped her for Eliza Dushku, you can rock whatever look you want.

NOTE IV: The two above ex-Lakers had their own memorable movie careers. Remember Kareem pre-Airplane kicking the shit out of Bruce Lee in Game of Death? Rick Fox served as Jesus Shuttleworth's guest on his recruiting trip to Big State in He Got Game. The latter I thought was a vastly underrated sports flick.

Again, thoughts to myself as I watched the Cubs/Rox last night:

-Man, I know they just put in lights there, 20 years ago, but the stands sure are dark. Spend a few bones and get some flood lights or something. Those stands are so dark it looks like like someone might get shanked.

-Aramis Ramirez strikes out. F*ck you, Aramis. You were an early round fantasy pick of mine and I had to cut you when you couldn't reach the Mendoza Line with a ten foot poll.

-Carlos Marmol. In know he's pretty decent, but that names always conjures images of a ground hog or some larger rodent.

-Nice beard Ian Stewart. Nice weak dribbler. Less beard, more power dammit.

-I bet Tim Tebow could break this damn tie.

-F*ck you again, Aramis. Your name still sounds like a damn shitty cologne.

RELATED: Digital Underground - "Doowhatchalike"


Thursday, May 13, 2010

Philly Stunts

They weren't cheating, the Phillies were using binoculars at Coors Field to look at:

--That drunk chick in the Thornton High shirt with the huge knockers! Holy crap those things are bigger than a catcher's mitt!
--Tim Tebow was in the stands giving out free hot chocolate to senior citizens.
--Those weren't real binoculars, they were those fake ones that hold liquor. Chase Utley likes stout whiskey sour about the fifth inning.
--Ryan Howard needed to know where the nearest burrito stand was located.
--We were trying to see if Jim Leyland's old ashtrays were stashed anywhere.
--Had to make sure Roy Halladay's old Arvada West history teacher wasn't suddenly going to give him a pop quiz about the War of 1812.
--Little known fact that the Phillies bullpen are hard core bird watchers and that Colorado is world renown for its assortment of wild birds (this message sponsored by the Colorado Div of Wildlife.)
--We weren't stealing signs, we also had a race scanner out and were trying to listen to Greg Biffle's track communication.
--Ken Griffey was taking a nap behind the Dippin Dots stand.
--We were stealing signs, but the signs weren't giving away pitches, they were wannabee gang signs that ordered the Aaron Cook to do a driveby on Dinger.

RELATED: Lords of the Underground - "Tic Toc" - ("you rappers out there couldn't see me with binoculars")


Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Ring The Alarm

I got the alcoholic beats to wake you up like a rooster...

Dan Hawkins, the true modern day Knute Rockne that he is, has already started tweaking his 2010 season in hopes of that elusive winning season. To help the faithful Buffs on that road to seven wins he's moved practice to 6am in the fall.

In the immortal words of Allen Iverson, "what are talking 'bout 6am? Practice?"

Because when you think 6am the first things that come to mind: milk men, the army, college kids.

This move is wrong on so many levels that you could build a new balcony on the Empire State Building. It's actually 6am that practice starts, that means these kids are up at 5am or earlier? The kids that live far off campus have to come up and over the Boulder Turnpike, where there's a chance that there could be an early AM backup. But Dan thought this all through, he'll be out front each of their apartments playing

Again, it's college. Late nights are part of the culture. Whether it's chilling with the crew playing some video games, watching TV, maybe actually studying, kicking it with a new found love interest, or just talking with new friends, late nights are the norm. Good move Dan! Way to crimp the experience!

And there's a little secret that college admin types don't want you to kids might actually be up late partying! Maybe a few drinky drinkys and a little nookie nookie. But don't tell anyone that either, Dan took it under consideration.

All of it leads to the actual practice. Think the plays run half-groggy, half asleep, cob web filled young heads are going to get this team ready to play Georgia? Think the offense will get some real crisp work on that new set that is going in for the Texas Tech offense?

In regard to Coach Hawkins: just hit snooze. Wake us all up when this over.

RELATED: Showbiz & AG - "Soul Clap" - ("Yeah they sleep, they can't quite tell")


Monday, May 10, 2010

Keep The Keg Moving

Drivin down the block like what else should a brother do
It's Saturday, it's Saturday, the heat might smother you...

This past weekend I took part in one of American Suburbia's great traditions: the garage sale. Me and the Mrs wheeled out all of the assorted junk, hand-me-downs, and relics of years past onto the driveway and proceeded to wheel and deal to passerbys.
The biggest sale of the weekend? My keg. The one item of my adolescence that was ripped from me this weekend? My keg.

By my calculations, I've been lugging that keg around for damn near 18 years. (Note: not the same keg, but the constantly exchanged keg.) It came into my possession in the early 90s - ahem- by circumstance (note: I stole it from a party. Sorry to the the dudes who were probably rocking Pearl Jam and some rowdy, yet stealth, backpacker threw the damn thing over a fence/ through a gate/down an alley to an awaiting getaway car.)

The keg saw its heydey in the years that followed. It supported people doing handstands on it; it filled everything from crappy plastic pitchers, nice glass pitchers stole from bars, ice cube trays, and assorted Solo, LiquorMart, and Big Gulp cups. It was rolled down stairwells, it was lugged from liquor stores into the front seat of my rig- safely seatbelted in of course.

The last decade or so the keg has mostly been relegated to the rafters of the garage or the back of the shed. The SG Crew has expanded to include those that work at the local brewery, where canned beer comes cheap and fresh (thereby avoiding the "day after" keg beer that somehow morphs into stale gingerale.) The family structure has grown where a keg full of beer isn't the greatest centerpiece of a 1 year old's birthday celebration.

Thus, the keg and Commish CH have parted ways. A man in his 60s bought it, loaded it into the front seat of his Monte Carlo and sped into the Rocky Mountain morning. A bitter breakup but overdue. Good bye, my sweet aluminum friend, you will be missed.

RELATED: Tha Alkaholiks f/ODB - "Hip Hop Drunkies"


Thursday, May 06, 2010

Marcberg May Points

So tell me why shouldn't it be true
I get a kick out of brew
There is only one beer left
Rappers screaming all in our ears like we're deaf ...

Tebowmania is running rampant around the city, the state, the country, and the universe. Word comes down that The Golden One's jersey is the number one seller in the NFL (and that probably isn't counting the duct taped modified Brandon Marshall jersies as a SG reader suggested, which would push the Tebow numbers into quadruple platinum category.) With the other big 'jersey" story (not including Pauly, The Situation, or Snooki) being the Phoenix Suns 'Los Suns' (sounds like a adult contemporary band that plays for free at your local summer festival. "Hey, Lakewood! Give a warm welcome to a special brand of soul, steely blues, with a smidge of good ol' down home country and western...Los Suns!") can the Broncos mesh the two? I vote for "Los Donks" across the navy blue and "predominantly orange" unis a select few home games next year. (Then again, Tebow can stand on the sun, he controls the sun to shine on those who are having a bad day, and the warnings on binoculars to "not point directly at the sun" do not apply to him.)

Raw, stripped down, and precise. No, that's not how you describe your favorite skank at the strip club, but rather Roc Marciano's latest release The Marcberg. The release from the Long Island MC paints a gritty picture with Roc's off-kilter flow and minimalistic beats. Interspersed throughout are bites from the 1960's movie "The Cool World," which incredibly add to the overall grimey feel. Following his ill appearances on Marco Polo, Pete Rock, and other projects, the ex-Flipmode member unfolds his story 1-14 on tracks like "Snow", "Thugs Prayer", and "Jungle Fever." Don't expect any big name producers as he handles all the work solo, not any "name" cameos to give this album any sing songy hooks or cred, because it just doesn't need it.

Heat and spice aren't usually something you think of when guzzling a beer, and neither is your favorite Wu Tang member. The folks at Twisted Pine brewery here in CO have changed that with their Ghost Face Killah Beer, made with ghost peppers and a wide range of equally spicy condiments. Apparently this beer is so hot that the brewers have been in contact with The Gunniess people (records, not beer) to qualify it as the world's hottest. Expect the folks at Def Jam to maybe be contacting the brewers too with a cease and desist order too. Unless Ghost is chilling on the block with a bottle?

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Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Rollin Rocked

-Say bro, could you score us some beer for the senior campout?
-Sure, I guess. A 12 pack?
-Nah, probably a bit more.
-Alright. Give me some cash for a couple cases.
-We're thinking a keg...
-Damn, a keg?
-Four kegs.
-What the fuck? Four kegs? Damnit. I'm going to have to borrow Coach Hawk's pickup.
-Cool thanks bro.
-Natty Ice right?
-Keystone Light?
-You fuckers scrounged enough to get Coors Light?
-No, we need Rolling Rock.
-Rolling Rock? Why not just bottle your piss and drink that?
-Cool. Thanks bro. Just go over to Baseline Liquors, you know right by campus. They won't recognize you or anything, even though you only played QB at Boulder High. Be sure to wear all your CU-issued gear. Selling four kegs of Rolling Rock on a Monday isn't out of the ordinary, so we appreciate it bro.
RELATED: Eric B & Rakim - "Microphone Fiend" - ("The R is a rolling stone, so I'm rolling....")

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Monday, May 03, 2010

Nuggets: Standing Pat

I alleviated the pain, with a long-term goal
Took my underground loot, without the gold...

Everyone seems to have their Rx on what to do to the Nuggets this offseason. Who to bring in, who to trade, who to target, who to sign long term. In reality though, will it surprise anyone if the Nuggets do absolutley nothing and bring back the team intact? Last year they were a hair from the Finals and they essentially brought back the same squad (Dahntay Jones for Arron Affalo is a small upgrade; Ty Lawson takes AC's minutes.) In February they were the second best team in the conference in did nothing. History says don't expect a huge upgrade or calculated re-tooling. That said, what should the existing players on the roster be doing?

MELO- His head will be elsewhere with his wedding this summer, which is already splashed on the society pages. Will he play in the World Championships later this summer? Melo seems to have better seasons coming off USA team appearances.

CHAUNCEY- Take it easy. Anyone could see his game fell off as the season wore on, jumpers were flat, Deron Williams had his way with him. He is in the Team USA player pool, but would be wise to not make the trip if asked. A regimen to stay in shape without anything deemed wearing would be perfect.

BIRD- I was looking through some newspapers of last year's playoff run and was amazed how much fitter Andersen looked. Lean, more defined. In this year's Utah series he looked like Greg Allman. Hit the weights and refocus on that defensive mean streak.

K-MART- Martin is in such a gray area of his career; the knees have to be grinding, the nasty streak wasn't there versus Carlos Boozer (Booze comes in with a known stomach injury and the team doesn't get physical with him?) and his rapper girlfriend is still putting out bad music (although her verse in the dreadful "My Chick Bad" remix references K-Mart's lips tattoo.)

NENE- Who really knows with Nene? At this point he isn't going to be the great, explosive, 22-12 guy that everyone thinks he is going to be. We just have to accept that he'll be the 16-8 guy who will sometimes have that huge game and other times be outplayed by journeyman centers. I have no clue what he should do this summer, maybe take some Lambada lessons.

AFFALO- He's one of those off-guards that seems interchangable throughout the league. It seems like every team has an Affalo. He could the type of veteran player to grind through a few summer league games to pick up his defense.

LAWSON- Work hard, bulk up. More drives through the lane will be in store for next year and his 5-9 frame will take a pounding. Plus, defending the likes of Williams and Brandon Roy will also be physical.

PETRO- Work hard and get on the French national team. A rugged summer in Euro qualifying and the Worlds will harden his game for next year.

GRAHAM- He might be ready to take some major minutes next year (why he didn't play prior to Game 6 is a great mystery) and match up versus the opposition's stongest low post presence. He too will need to keep up the weights and work on his moves on the block.

RELATED: Ice Cube - "Pushin Weight"