Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Sharp Cutlery

Dangerfield steppin' my way,
bodies get creamated on a Friday the do or die way,
your death threater, sender, head spinner,
rap beginner, light dimmer, three knockout count winner...

Surprise, surprise, but Coach Shanny has finally removed Mr. Element and replaced him with Super Rookie Jay Cutler. Here in CO, this decision is all the rage; being debated on talk radio, internet message boards, the office water cooler, and at your grandmother’s bingo game.

What to make of the decision though? How many people had actually heard of Jay Cutler before Mel Kiper and his super feathered head starting hyping him about last year at this time? Meatheads confused him with the oiled up roid monster…I mean, bodybuilder of the same name. He looks like the chubby kid who cleans your dog shit twice a month for $10. And has anyone taught him how to shave?

Coming out of Santa Claus, Indiana (hmmm, wonder if there will be many dorky columnist hyping that angle this December) he attracted the attention of Vanderbilt and other CFB "heavyweights": home-state Indiana University and coaching legend Cam Cameron, and mighty Illinois and the Knute Rockne of our generation, Ron Turner. He chose Vanderbilt, the Baylor of the SEC, and the genius of coach Woody Widenhofer, where he compiled a piss poor 11-35 record as a starter.

He wowed scouts and front office types in workouts and the combine, and parlayed that into being placed next to Vince Young and Matt Leinart and his post-Paris Hilton shame (somehow I can see Leinart at the combine pulling the "Johnny Be Good" line "coach, I broke my dick" after his night in Paris.) Shanny pulled the trigger during the NFL draft and brought in the former Commodore, not Lionel Richie mind you (but that would be interesting), to work behind Plummer in 06 and most likely take over in 07. He posted an impressive preseason working versus the backups/current Arena league signees from Detroit (06 record: 2-9), Tennesee (4-7), Houston (3-8), and finally the bulk of his work versus the Cardinals (2-9.) With Plummer becoming the Chuck Knoblach of the NFL, it was time to turn to Cutler in an unprecedented move to a rookie in NFL Week 12.

Cutler doesn’t exactly have Five Star, All-American, or Pro Bowl credentials heading into his first NFL start if you delve into the numbers. Yes, he was all-SEC, player of the year in the conference, and Ron Jaworski wanted to be his boyfriend. That doesn’t amount to a squat when you’re face to face with the defending NFC champions in 20 degree weather, with the Mastermind, the ex-incumbent QB, 75,000 liquor-fueled fans, and a national TV audience watching your every move.

Yes, good luck to you Jay, we’re booking our Super Bowl trip right now.


Thursday, November 23, 2006

Give Thanks

I'm the beer rational outta national
My cash flow is thick like mashed potato-oes in the gravy
Whats up wavy?...

Songs for your Thanksgiving

-Fat Joe- Livin’ Fat
-King Tee- At Your Own Risk (“I mean really, how you think I'm livin'? On the strength, I'm livin like it's Thanksgivin'. So yo, whassup turkey, tryin to jerk me?Your rhymes don't work see, you can't hurt Tee.”) VIDEO
-Aesop Rock- Cook It Up
-Big Daddy Kane- It's a Big Daddy Thing (“So how we livin'? Like a turkey on Thanksgiving or like Robin Givens?”)
-Cypress Hill- Pigs
-Ice-T- Straight Up N***a (“I work real hard for my livin', but I don't celebrate bull**** Thanksgivin'...like some fool and eat turkey, that's the day your forefathers jerked me.”)
-Ice Cube- Horny Little Devil (“You might have f***ed them Indians, but you can't surge in me.”)
-Goodie Mob- Soul Food
-Slick Rick- Little Indian Girl
-Ice Cube- Wicked ("but is Willie Williams ... down with the pilgrims") VIDEO
-Ghostface Killah- Nutmeg
-Alkaholiks- Contents Unda Pressure (above)
-Kool G Rap- Roots of Evil ("put you in pajamas, fly hooker fine as the Pocahontas")
-Domino- Sweet Potatoe Pie VIDEO
-Fresh Marcus- That Ain't Hip-Hop (“Sleepin' like you ate turkey with tryptophan... Frontin' on the FM? You trippin', man.")
-Fat Boys- All You Can Eat VIDEO
-D-12- My Ballz (“One of the best runnin' backs there never was, movin' like Barry Sanders, leavin' you in the dust”)
-Danger Doom- Mince Meat -Erick Sermon- Do-Re-Mi (“I'm nice, and there's no mistakin, I threw a bomb rhyme in the hands of Troy Aikman)
-Sir Mix-A-Lot- Buttermilk Biscuits
-Fugees- Family Business (“This ain't the seventies I'm far from a jive turkey.”)
-De La Soul- Stone Age (“Don't increase the bull, because my pulley is broken and my belly is full.”)
-Ludacris- Mouths To Feed
-2Pac- Guess Who’s Back (“Life's a mess don't stress, test…of givin, but be thankful that you're livin…blessed.”
-Ghostface Killah- Bisquits
Honorable Mention: -Rick James- Love Gravy (note: probably shouldn't serve that at dinner)

Halloween Songs

Fourth of July Songs

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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Bulletin board material

Beef rap, could lead to gettin teeth capped
Or even a wreath for mom dukes on some grief crap...

I never really understood the whole concept of "bulletin board material." If you are an athlete, is something that the oppostion says going to fire you up beyond your normal playing capacity? Third quarter, a fourth-and-1 situaion, when suddenly you remember the opposing QB said that your linebackers aren't that good? Bam, you suddenly become Lawrence Taylor (minus the crack) and stuff the QB for a three-yard loss?

Bulletin board material may get players all hot and bothered for a few minutes pregame, it may inspire some wack ass kid to buy some poster board and markers and make a clever signn (Even Santa Picks Nebraska [hee, hee!]), it may make some Coors Light inebriated fan mumble some non-sensical trash talk pre-game (present company included,) but it doesn't win games.

The latest example is Coach Sunshine Dan and his comments to a CU crowd back in October. He says, "the worst days as a Buff are better than the best days as a Husker." I was there at the small pep gathering when he uttered those words and certainly knew that statement would find it way back to Stinkoln and the Evil Red Horde by the game on Friday. And sure enough it has, and sure enough, the Cornholers have their collective suspenders in a wad over it.

Have at it Sodbusters; you're a 15 point favorite, we're 2-9, your beloved Coach Cally and his cronies are headed to the Big 12 Championship (we've been 4 of the last 5 years, it was getting tiresome,) and if Sunshine Dan's act gets your Runzas all soggy, well yeeeee-hawww! But the real fact is what he says is pretty much true: The worst days as a Buff are better than the best days as a Husker. Today I awoke to the beauty of the Rocky Mountains, I can check out the NBA's top player at the drop of a hat, I can enjoy world class nightlife and peep some "Real World" sluts, enjoy music, cuisine, outdoor sports, and a vibrant and diverse culture. You can check out endless telephone and power poles, a really fat guy, Tom Osbourne's witty demeanor, and a burning pile of crap. Go Buffs!


Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Kingdom Come

I got the rap patrol on the gat patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my casket's closed
Rap critics that say he's money, cash, hoes...

The past few weeks I’ve seen Jay-Z on SportsCenter, in the booth at Monday Night Football, cooking quiche with Wolfgang Puck, on the Dan Patrick and Jim Rome Show, playing the tambourine at a suburban Chicago dance recital, calling bingo numbers at the El Paso swap meet, on the GQ cover, fixing a transmission on ‘Earl’s Shop’ on cable access, waving next to the giant Subway sandwich on the street corner, and hunting wild boar on American Sportsman. Basically, Hov has been hawking his new CD, Kingdom Come, everywhere, anywhere. Oh yeah, it comes out today.

I haven’t listened to the entire CD, but I’ve heard a few of the tracks. The title song is a bangin Just Blaze cut with a heavy Rick James bass line. On the other hand, the leadoff single, “Show Me What Ya Got,” is nothing more than a fluffy Budweiser commercial. The rest of the joints I’ve peeped fall somewhere in between. Looks like this offering from Jigga won’t be the opus that The Black Album was, but it won’t be some stale crap like Roc La Familia. For more thorough reviews, most of the rap sites on my links section have some good insight. Check em out.


Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Ol, Dirty, and Stinkin

Now you know nothin- before you knew a whole fuckin lot
Your ass don't wanna get shot!
A lot of MCs came to my showdown
To watch me put your fuckin ass loooooow down

The SG honors the two-year passing of Ol’ Dirty Bastard by looking at the Top Ten moments/songs/misc from the life of Russell Jones:

1- “Shimmy Shimmy Ya”- Yes, it’s his biggest song and best video (what other MC has kicked it in his freakin boxer shorts.)

2- Escapes from rehab- Dirt McGirt escapes from his confines and eludes the cops for a month. He turns up at a Wu show, promotes their album, and is eventually arrested signing autographs in a McDonald’s parking lot. He must’ve loved their Filet O’ Fish.

3- Showtunes- During “Goin Down” from his first CD he breaks into “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” If you’re puffing herb and jamming this CD and hear this verse, you’ll be like “damn, I need to quit smoking this shit.”

4- “Hip Hop Drunkies”- The Alkaholiks and Big Baby Jesus? That’s Pat Robertson’s worst nightmare.

5- 33 years old and still on welfare- During an infamous MTV clip, Osirus rolls in a limo to the NY Welfare department to pick up his check.

6- “Show and Prove”- This track on Big Daddy Kane’s Daddy’s Home CD (1994) features a young MC named Jay-Z, the veteran BDK, Dirty, 13 year old Shyheim (who might be best known for his acting in TLC’s Waterfalls video,) dancer turned wack-rapper Scoob, and Sauce Money. Dirty has two classic lines: “Rain on your college ass disco dorm,” which I have no idea what the fuck it means; and the last line “Danger,” which becomes the sample for Blahzay Blahzay’s East Coat Anthem of the same name. But BDK comes off with his verse: "and steppin to me you think I can be touched, huh, not even Michael Jordan would gamble that much." Ouch.

7- The Grammy fiasco- During Shawn Colvin’s acceptance speech at the 97 Grammys ODB bum rushes the stage and steals the mic. Among other utterances, he claims “Wu-Tang is for the children!” Ah, yes, and Ice Cube is for the Mormons.

8- “Dog Shit”- From the 2nd Wu album, this is Dirty’s only solo track.

9- “Ghetto Supastar”- Remember that wack track from the equally wack movie, Bulworth? Rumor has it that super-rapper Pras and hottie Mya were to record that as a duet when a drunken ODB went into the wrong studio. They put him on the track, and a few months later he almost blew himself up on the VMA stage performing the song.

10- “Woo Hah(remix)”- Busta and ODB on the same track. Reportedly other screamers like Sam Kinnison and Gilbert Gottfried were also slotted to appear. A hot track.

HM- Brooklyn Zoo I & II, Pop Shots, Conditioner (w/Snoop, although it sounds like it was recorded in a dumpster,) Nuttin But Flavor (Funk Flex w/ Biz and Charlie Brown,)


Monday, November 13, 2006

Juvenile Humor

I smoke on the mic like smokin Joe Frazier
The hell raiser, raisin hell with the flavor
Terrorize the jam like troops in Pakistan
Swingin through your town like your neighborhood Spiderman...

It was a great weekend here in CO, as the Nugs won a pair on the road, the CU men’s hoops team won their opener, the Broncos overcame Jake Plummer being Jake and won a road game, and the Buffs sent the Seniors out on top with a nice win at Folsom. However, my favorite part of the weekend had to be that the Buffs’ football opponent, Iowa State, had a running back named Kock. I was suddenly taken back to 7th grade and imagined what it might be like to hear these types of things by announcers:

*There’s Kock with some penetration!
*Kock is really finding the holes tonight!
*Kock tried to get around the tight end.
*Kock explodes!
*Kock is really getting into it with Bush (if he gets in a fight with Reggie Bush)
*Who’s that on the sideline? Oh, that’s Kock and balls (he’s carrying the extra equipment)
*Kock is going to the bench to get a blow (he’s winded)
*He’s really working over Kock! (he’s getting yelled at by the coach)

(hey, the Buffs are 2-9, you gotta find someting to focus on)


Saturday, November 11, 2006

Jemini The Gifted One

Jemini The Gifted One

For a slow day to break up the sports talk...I ran into this video a few days back and it brought back the raw 1995 shit that was hip-hop. For those who are a bit slow, it might sound like there is two MCs, when in fact it is the same cat flipping styles. Always keeping it real at the SG...peace.


Thursday, November 09, 2006

Knick Knacked

I flow like the blood on a murder scene
like a syringe on some wild out shit, to insert a fiend
But it was yo out the shop stolen art
Catch a swollen heart from not rollin smart...

The Nuggets welcomed the woeful New York Knicks last night, and followed an all-too-familiar-script: blowing a 4th quarter lead, and losing Isiah and his band of future CBAers. At 0-3, the Nugs are one of the only winless NBA teams (Dallas- yes, Dallas- is the other.)

With a few plays here and there, the Nugs are easily 3-0, and with a few nips and tucks here and there, Oprah is Halle Berry. Outside of Melo, this team cannot put the ball in the hole (commenters insert your “ball in the hole” Ron Jeremy jokes now.)

While watching the 4th, the Nugs guards couldn’t keep up with a quick player like Jamal Crawford, Cheeto Miller isn’t giving any threat outside of a few nice passes, Earl is trying to do too much in his role, and Camby suddenly looks like he’s aged 10 years. Nene just can’t handle more than 18-20 minutes, and JR Smith is more hot and cold than your high school girlfriend. For some reason the refs have it out for Melo this year, he is getting no calls. Did he steal their first class upgrades or something? And, surprise! Kenyon Martin didn’t play. A modern day Derrick Coleman is what we may have at the #4 spot here in the Mile High City.

With a four game road trip waiting, the Coach Karl needs to figure this out quick. I have a bad feeling our bigs, while plentiful, will be subject to some serious banging down low, and Melo will continue to see doubles. It’s early, but in the Western Conference, you can’t get too far behind.


Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Election Day

Now we rock the party and come correct
Our cuts are on time and rhymes connect
Got the right to vote and will elect
And other rappers can't stand us, but give us respect...

The Slushy Gutter is proud to endorse the following on this Election Day:

**Mike Montgomery- With the lame duck status of CU's Ricardo Patton, what better way to make a splash in the Big 12 then to hire the former Stanford coach. CU, which aspires to be like Stanford academically, could be the perfect fit for Montgomery. He's got cash for days in his pockets from his Golden State gig, so the price might not be too high.

**Nene- In the first two games this year, the 4th year pro from Brazil has played well. This coming off a season long planted on the bench after a injury in game #1 last year. With Kenyon Martin's ineffectiveness and his attitude bound to go south, Nene has got to get himself into condition to give us 30+ minutes each night.

**Javon Walker and Jake Plummer- Walker's emergence the past few games could change the landscape of the entire conference. He gives the Donks a legit "home run" threat and like we saw Sunday, can just eat up whoever is covering him. Jake has bounced back well from early struggles and has thrown some great balls over the past two games.

**Chauncey Billups- He'll be a free agent at year's end and what better situation for him to get the last big money contract here in his hometown. He could come in ala Steve Nash in PHX a few years back: in his early 30's, with a young superstar, a running team and coach, and lead the Nugs deep in the playoffs. If we see the Nuggets unload Cheeto Miller and some other salaries this season, they could be setting up for this.

**Dan Hawkins- Yep, ol' Sunshine Dan gets our nod, despite his 1-9 record and questionable play calling. Even though I don't subscribe to the theory that Gary Barnett left the "cupboard bare" for Dan, it wasn't exactly chocked full. The best signs: a top 25 recruiting class, and a top 15 Boise State team he left behind.

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Friday, November 03, 2006

Your Denver Nuggets

So who needs a partner or a sidekick?
When it comes to being funky, I got all that old fly sh*t
The rough and rugged, plus the pimp smooth rhyme
I polish opponents off like a shoe shine...

The final piece of the SG came into play last night, as the Denver Nuggets took on the LA Clippers. Let's take a quick look at your NBA Denver Nuggets for 2006-2007:

*Andre Miller- Reported to camp 15 pounds overweight. Miller time? Apparently it was Cheetoes time.

*Carmelo Anthony- Met his smoking hot fiancée through hip hop DJ Clue. Back in the day, through an old DJ friend, I met a strung out Goth chick.

*Nene- If your given name was Maybyner Rodney Hilario, you’d go by Nene too.

*Kenyon Martin- Battled with Head Coach George Karl throughout last year, was kicked off the team and then brought back. In effect, he is George Jetson to Karl’s Mr. Spacley. His pit bull is in fact, named Astro.

*Linus Kleiza- Sounds like a nasty skin rash. “Brah, I totally banged that chick in that field during the Phish show, and now I got Linuskleiza on my ass.” “Aww, bro, you need some Cipro for that sh*t.”

*Marcus Camby- While in college, he passed out due to too much Robitussin cough medicine. Hey, we’ve all been there. Late night, no beer left, you got a nice buzz. Keep that party going with some cough syrup. The cherry flavor rocks.

*Earl Boykins- The rage he feels from hearing Too Short and Disney's “It’s a Small World” played in each arena must be unbearable.

*Eduardo Najera- The only Mexican player in the NBA. Tom Tancredo says, “You see! I told you they would take our jobs!”

*Reggie Evans- F*ck with him, you get violated.

*JR Smith- Was on 3 teams the past 6 months: Denver, NO/OKC, and Chicago. If you rearrange those team abbreviations, you get “Dick Once Hon.” As in, “yo baby, I’m only gonna be in town for a bit, let’s dick once hon.”

*Julius Hodge- Totally crossed Syracuse off his recruiting lists when he thought of a few years being called Orange Julius.

*Yakhouba Diawara- He’s from France. So think Tony Parker. Only without the game. And without Eva Longoria. And without the rings. Yeah, he’s from France.

*Joe Smith- Once the #1 overall pick in the NBA. Now he’s the #1 player not to play every game.

*Jamal Sampson- Ralph Sampson’s and Jamal Wilkes love child? No, just some guy probably bound for the Idaho Stampede.

*Dermarr Johnson- His NBA bio says, “Fan of hip-hop music and video games.” No freaking way! It’s the good to see such diversity in the NBA.