Friday, January 30, 2009

Plaid In Full

So just acknowledge the way that I kick it,
cuz if rap was a house, you'd be evicted….

The best thing about the past few Nuggets’ games? Chauncey taking control on the floor? Nene going perfect from the field? Birdman and K-Mart’s defense just wrecking the opposition? JR Smith’s confidence and shooting growing every game? The answer is a hearty ‘no’ to all of those.

It’s the suits.

Melo has been sporting some of the illest suits while sitting on the bench. Red plaid, black plaid, got blue and black, cause he likes to chill, and yellow and green when it's time to get ill. Fly ties, pocket hankerchiefs, he’s got it all.

Even Herb Tarlek of WKRP would be impressed. Chi Chi Rodgriguez called from the 70s and wanted to know where those fly duds came from. Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch said “what up!?” Farnsworth Bentley wants to come be Melo’s man-servant now. And for those really down, Alex Vanderpool is real impressed.

The hand? Oh, that’s better, and he’ll be back tonight. He’ll be sporting an ascot under his jersey.

RELATED: Coolio f/ J-Ro of Tha Liks - "I Remember" - ("I used to watch Dr. J, come through in the clutchRemember New Zoo Review, and Starsky and Hutch")


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Playin Cards

Songs for your Super Bowl. Cardinals version:

--Cannibal Ox – Scream Phoenix
--DJ Muggs & GZA – Queens Gambit (“Was a role model, like a cardnial to our peers”)
--Downtown Science – Radioactive (“To see a new beginning, and resurrect, reminiscent of the Phoenix, and recollect") VIDEO
--Wu Tang Clan – Clan In The Front (“…in the Square of Herald, I gamed Ella, the bitch caught a Fitz like Gerald…”)
--Public Enemy – By The Time I Get To Arizona VIDEO
--Gangstarr – Mass Appeal (“Cuttin off wack kids, pullin their trump cards”)
--3rd Bass – Product of the Environment (“…MC Larry Euthanasia”) VIDEO
-A Tribe Called Quest – Phony Rappers (“His rhyme style is older that a Chrysler Cordoba, I'm wilder then the cats from Arizona”)
--The Coup - Underdogs
--Black Moon – Total Eclipse (“In Arizona, crying for ya diamonds back”)
--Westside Connection – All The Critics In New York (“My energy holds it down like the NFC”)
--QB Finest – We Break Bread (“Naturally and tragically obligated to bust ass in the clutch like Kurt Warner throwin' touch pass”)
--Eminem – Ken Kaniff
--Wu Tang Clan – Diesel (“Whattup Dirt, nine diagram phoenix on your sweatshirt")
--Aesop Rock – Mars Attack (“Hiding human hear me rise above material and cardinal sin”)
--Smoothe Tha Hustla f/ Trigga Da Gambla – Broken Language (“My brother gotta record racker”) VIDEO
--Big Daddy Kane – Set it Off (“Let it roll, get bold, I just can't hold”)
--GZA/Genius – Liquid Swords (“Energy is felt once the cards are dealt”) VIDEO
--Run DMC – Sucker MCs (“Ah with the one two three, three to two one, my man Larry Larr, my name DJ Run”) LIVE
--Ice Cube – My Summer Vacation (“Catch a flight to St. Louis, that's cool, cause nobody knew us”)
--Little Brother – Extra Hard (“Flow so dumb it's borderline genius, all the way from NC to Phoenix”)
-Kurupt – Play My Cards
--Murs – Dreamchasers (“I play Pop Warner and I love Transformers”)

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Saturday, January 24, 2009

Men of Steel

Songs for the Super Bowl. Steelers version:

The Alkaholiks - Contents Unda Pressure ("Cowboys beat the Steelers, so ni**a where's my fifty?")
--Sheek Louch - In/Out ("I don't know nobody fuckin wit us, I ain't Jerome Bettis but if I hit you it's gon feel like the bus")
--Army of the Pharoahs - Gorillas - ("While you fake cats cower like the Steelers coach")
--Outkast - Wheelz of Steel
--Ghostface Killah - Assassination Day ("God came in, aiming like Terry Bradshaw")
--Redman - Rock Da Spot ("My palms, be swift with the pen like Lynn Swann's")
--Wu Tang Clan - Protect Ya Neck (The Jump Off) ("Bust shots at Big Ben like we got time to kill") VIDEO
--Nine - Wutcha Want? ("Just the homemade mics and wheels of steel") VIDEO
--Jurassic 5 f/ Big Daddy Kane & Percy P ("A pro mean like Joe Greene when I blow theme")
--Cypress Hill - Steel Magnolia
--Pharaoh Monch - Right Here ("Basically y'all could get eight twice like Lynn Swann")
--King Tee - The Coolest ("Tacklin MC's like a Pittsburgh Steeler")
--EPMD - Brothers from Brentwood LI ("Word to herb got more steel than Pittsburgh")
--Ghostface Killah - Outta Town Shit ("Sent ni**az back to Pittsburgh, with they necks wrapped up no lie")
--Boot Camp Click - And So ("Take a risk never steal from Steele and Tek again") VIDEO
--Shadz of Lingo - Where's Da Steel
--DJ Clue f/ Nas - Live from the Bridge ("AK's, Berettas, my whole team is Steelers like Jerome Bettis"
--Boogie Boys - Romeo Knight ("Like a Pittsburgh Steeler my rap is hard steel")
--Busta Rhymes - Everything Remains Raw ("Now I'm on the scene, stepping through like Mean Joe Green") ***NOTE: he also says the same line on Funkmaster Flex's 60 Minutes of Funk
--Public Enemy - Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos VIDEO
--Nice & Smooth - No Delayin ("Ever since then booties clock me like Big Ben")
--Organized Confusion - To The Essence ("For the ultimate hurtin, my steel curtain")
--EPMD - You Gots To Chill ("I grab the steel with the crown on top") VIDEO

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Thursday, January 22, 2009

Putting his Biscuit in the Basket

The Super Ho is loose in your section
And he's armed with a powerful erection
So grab your girl and run for protection
Your Mama too, cause I like to mention…

Peter Forsberg, is doing his best hockey impersonation of Roger Clemens (sans the steroids, congressional hearings, erratic behavior, and bad crew cut) and auctioning himself off to any interested NHL team midseason. Training camp? The rigors of 82 games? Huh, Peter scoffs at you!

The Avs will certainly get their cursory look, much like last season, when Peter came in well into the second half of the year and offered minimal help during the stretch run. Why Forsberg continues to pimp himself to the Avs, a decidedly average team with no realistic shot of getting what he should deem his ultimate goal- his named etched on Lord Stanley’s hardware.

So what is it that keeps Peter batting his eyes to Denver? Mile High poon. Forsberg has seen more Rocky Mountain trim than the grand champion stud bull at the Stock Show. Any person about town has seen Peter the Great over the past 14 years with various Denver honies, hotties, and skanks on his arm all over our fair city. Perhaps he caught a Nugs’ game in between ABBA shows over there and saw some new dancer he’d like to get called for icing with. During the DNC maybe he scanned the crowd and embraced Obama’s call for ‘Hope’ … and took it to mean Hope, Emily, Sarah, and Ashley. With the Donks’ depressing season, maybe he sees ample opps to get some Swedish Fish with depressed groupies. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

RELATED: Big Daddy Kane – “Cause I Can Do It Right” – “Some played with Legos, some played with PlayDoh, But I was feelin girls like a ripe tomato”


Monday, January 19, 2009

Hawk Gets Money, Money He Got

So I start my mission- leave my residence
Thinkin how could I get some dead presidents

Coach Hawk and crew have rallied nicely over the past couple weeks and started to assemble a respectable recruiting class. And while Hawk detractors might fault his game coaching, they definitely can't front on his recruiting tactics. It seems Hawk is on the cutting edge of creativity and even sent fake cash to targets. No need to fret, haters, Hawk wasn't counterfeiting or using real coin, and they even checked it out with the Secret Service. Yeah, because those guys aren't busy now.

The over $300,000 in Buffopoly money was symbolic of the cost of a CU education and the "bills" were complete with images of your favorite Colorado coach.

No word if any of the recipients actually tried to spend the money adorned with Hawk and his staff. But wouldn't the country be a much more Zen-like place if we did have Danny Boy on our currency? Change the color from green to Black and Gold, get rid of the pyramid with the weird eyeball and install a weeping Kordell post-Hail Mary. Isn't E pluribus unum Latin for "It aint intramurals"?

RELATED: Showbiz & A.G. - "Fat Pockets"


Friday, January 16, 2009

08 Plate: Top CO Beer Spots

The SG offers the "year end"/ 09 kickoff by looking at some favorite beer spots visited over the last 12 months:

-Billy’s Inn & Squeeze Inn- These north Denver hangouts (in the case of the Squeeze, about as far north as you can go and still be in Denver) are old school in every sense. Billy’s is 75 years old, and just had an extensive renovation and added food and some interior style. Peep the tap beer and tequila selections. Up the road in a former 50’s burger joint, the Squeeze Inn offers room for about 20 patrons in a rockabilly setting.

-Buck Snort Saloon- Up in the foothills in the community known as Sphinx Park is the venerable Bucksnort, a Colorado institution in many eyes. Lots of cheap beer on tap and very picturesque views on the back deck and walls covered by papers, dollar bills, business cards, you name it. Beware there is no hard alcohol served due to the nearly “oh shit” dirt road that takes you in and out of the area.

The Glenn- Wedged into the aging Northglenn center is the bright red brick building that houses The Glenn. Inside though is the real treat: new wood décor, old school booths, shelves loaded with board games, friendly staff, flat screen TVs and a huge U-shaped bar. The food is tasty with loaded sandwiches and fried pickles. Peep the nice beers on tap and PBR draws for cheap.

-Grandview Tavern- Arvada’s oldest building now holds one of its more unique and flavorful bars. Located in the heart of the renewed Old Town area, the Grandview offers fine beers on tap (including many seasonal offerings, which the Commish took full advantage of in the summertime.) Peep the extensive menu from burgers to more hearty entrees. And if you’re looking for sports on TV, you’ll probably have to ask, as the Grandview tends to show some old school concert DVDs and more relaxed watchings.

-Edgewater Inn- This Sloan’s Lake bar and restaurant quite possibly could have the most authentic and best pizza in the metro area. That and the decidedly 1970’s décor and goblets of some of the freshest Coors (nothing fancy on tap here) make it a must stopping-by point when in the area. To this day, the only bar I’ve ever been to with a screen door.

Victoria Tavern- South to the Arkansas Valley heart is Salida’s downtown gem of a bar, the “Vic.” The mixture of locals, the pizza kitchen next door, kayakers, tourists, and assorted old school momentos (a phone booth and Walter’s Brewery throwbacks among them) from the area give the 100+ year old Vic its charm. The beer selection won’t blow you away, but it is cold and cheap.

-Morrison Inn- To and from Red Rocks, a stop at the Morrison Inn should be required. First, they have those mammoth beers that you thought were only props in bad 80’s frat movies. Huge. Mucho Grande. The creaky floors and various nooks and crannies are a testament to the bar’s popularity. Best yet, if it is warm out, do not miss the sun-drenched patio. Be sure to gorge yourself on their famous Mexican food and if your not a beer connoisseur, take a margarita in the same giant glass.

-The Pump House Brewery- Right smack dab on Longmont’s Main Street is the Pump House Brewery and their fine award winning crafted beers. Check the Wildfire Wheat with a lemon. Attached to the Brewery, but with the same beers available, is The Red Zone sports bar, with many TVs, pool tables, great food, and arguably some of the best specials in Boulder County.

-My Brother's Bar- Like to mess with out of town visitors and the uninformed? Tell them your going to 'My Brother's Bar' and watch the looks. The oldest running bar in Denver, this place drips with history (very popular with the Beat Generation) Don't look for a sign on the building on Platte street in the lower Platte Valley, there is none. Don't expect a menu, there are none, just a huge menu on the walls. The sandwiches and sides are scrumptous, and they have good tap selections always cold.

As always, having a beer and a good plate of grub is made so much more better with your peoples with you. Whether they're new friends your getting to know, old friends and catching up, your family, or even the company of strangers, beers always taste better with a cold glass and the warmth of friends and loved ones. The Commish is blessed to have that in his life; the laughter and conversation of the SG Crew, my always hearty family, and my beautiful wife and our beautiful baby girl on this journey here in God's Country...

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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Built for Mark Cuban Links

Rappers I monkey flip 'em with the funky rhythm I be kickin
Musician, inflicting composition…

The Nuggets logged an impressive yet ugly win last night versus the Mavericks, and post-game the talk isn’t Birdman and Dahntay Jones’ high energy night, or Dirk Nowitzki’s 40+ night, or the Nuggets again blowing a lead. The highlight was Mavs’ maverick owner Mark Cuban acting a damn fool after the game.

Cuban managed to get from his 2nd row seat to the floor after the final horn in a Usain Bolt fashion to yell- at the officials as per his m.o.- but also at the Nugs’ JR Smith at halftime. Apparently Cuban was upset at Smith’s flailing elbows throughout the game.

Another check yourself moment for Cuban. Being an “out in front” owner is not out of the ordinary, but do you see Jerry Jones racing to the end zone to belittle Giants’ OLineman for holding? Does Hank Steinbrenner jump over the dugout to get at Jacoby Ellsbury for going in spikes up? Daniel Synder is all up in Donovan McNabb’s face for trying to draw the defense off sides?

What Cuban should be thankful for is that Denver’s finest didn’t get ahold of him for trespassing and level a couple billy clubs to his head. Don’t laugh, we’re talking the DPD here. But Cuban will most likely face the wrath of the NBA and another fine (although in this economy, even Cuban might cringe.) David Stern needs to again come down of Cuban in the form of not only a fine, but a game(s) banishment from his own team’s games. A loss of a draft pick if it happens again. Replaying of your "Dancing With The Stars" performance to your team next time. Passion is one thing, but idiocy and making yourself look like a spoiled brat doesn’t do you or your organization a bit of good.


Monday, January 12, 2009

Donks' Young Buck

It's McDaniels, not McDonald's
These rhymes are Darryl's, the burgers are Ronald's...

Questions and Answers about the new Broncos’ head coach:

-32 years old? He can’t run for president, he can buy beer and see nudie flicks. He is more apt to talk to his players about their favorite PS3 games, old “Ren & Stimpy” episodes, or getting photos of his real 32 year old friends of them playing Texas Hold Em with Hooter’s waitresses.

-John Carroll University? The football powerhouse; the school that produced...John Carroll? Joe Barry Carroll? Carol Burnett?

-Hoodies? We’ve seen McDaniels in a dapper gray hoody like his mentor, Bill Belichick. Pat Bowlen already has the Bronco equipment staff digging through John Mobley’s old stash to get the new coach a hoody with those initials already on it. Cost savings!

-Defensive coach? Bowlen hired an offensive coach, but everyone is quick to point out McDaniels was a “defensive assistant” in his early Patriots’ days. Those defensive coaches needed coffee, copies, dry cleaning runs, and getting Rodney Harrison his Jay-Z concert tickets.

-New ‘D’ coordinator? Rumors are it’ll be former Niners’ head honcho Mike Nolan. Yes, that Mike Nolan of the fancy suits on the sideline ala Dan reeves circa 1986. That way he looks like McDaniels’ older suave uncle.

-Keep the offensive staff? Jay Cutler loves him some Jeremy Bates, Bobby Thompson is a Denver standard, and Rick Dennison’s line was outstanding this past year. Keep them all and fire the Barrel Man.

-Similarities to New England? Temperamental wide receiver: check. QB with a sense of entitlement: check. Strong ownership: check. Passionate fans with funny accents: sorry. Three recent Super Bowl titles: not even close.
RELATED: EPMD f/ K-Solo & Redman - "Headbanger" - "No jokin, I'm gettin paid fully, you wanna buy the cassette, stop by Sam Goody, yo where's my hoody!?"


Friday, January 09, 2009

No Mo Romo

How dare you ever try to step on my suede shoes
Top Gun shut down your firm like Tom Cruise

Please let me get down and blow a fuse
actin' a fool breakin' shit down to molecules...

The strangest name to come in the Donks' head coach search is that of Bill Romanowski. I'm not one to question people's mental capacity, but if Pat Bowlen even considers Romo's plea to be coach, then Bowlen needs to next be fitted for a straight jacket.

Romo sent Bowlen a detailed letter about his thoughts on head coaching, the organization, and his philosopohies. Among those are the need for a tractor trailer worth of steroids supplements on site; hyperbolic chambers for all offensive skill players to live in the off-season; spitting: the unseen "4th phase of the game"; QB sacks should be worth a point if there's a broken jaw; how fighting your teammates and making them retire as a result of the injuries "weeds" out the weak; B movies and your post-NFL career; and the glazed look of confusion and slow speech and how that is key to NFL coaching.

RELATED: Genesis LXG - "Anabolics"


Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Talk to Melo's Mr. Hand

So to each and every crew,
You're clear like glass I can see right through

With Carmelo Anthony out for up to a month, who needs to step up on the Nugs? Let's go deep deep deep in depth:

-Rocky- We still think you are the best mascot in town, but some of your acts are tired. Yes, you do the Karate Kid move when you want to fight someone, you play your tail like a guitar to 'Welcome to the Jungle', you wear real long stilts. Step up your game, you wily mountain lion, or we're bringing in some purple dinosaur from down the street.

-JR Smith- The biggest no-brainer of the bunch,. JR has the chance to be the proverbial man in Melo's absence. That means good shot selection, commitment to defense and rebounding, getting rid of that ridiculous mohawk, and staying out of Coach Karl's doghouse.

-Kenyon Martin- Coach Karl recently said that K-Mart takes over the last five minutes of games. That's great, now let's extend that to the other 30 minutes he logs. With somewhat of a rebirth this year, K-Mart still has lapses where he seems completely disinterested in the game. Especially with the Western Confernece big boys coming in, he needs to remember his role, to rebound and get up in the ass of the oppostion super stars (read: McGrady, Tracy; Duncan, Tim)

-Lloyd from Centennial- More specifically, the entire Nugs' crowd. Attendance hasn't been worthy of the #2 team in the conference and when it is, it is typically a dry atmosphere. Time to get on your feet and be a true home court. You have the hometown star running the show and a cast of characters on the opposing teams that just cry for your derision. Yeah, you LLoyd, grab a cold one and cheer for those tattoo'ed fellows.

-George Karl- Time for George to earn his keep and get a bit creative with his play calling and rotation. Three guards at a time and really run it? Check. A grind it out lineup with Balkman, Birdman, and Nene? Check. Extended practice focusing on some back doors and new offensive wrinkles? Check. The Commish being pampered in the Nuggets' Dancers locker room? No? Damn, thought I could sneak that by.