Friday, August 22, 2008

Draft Day Prep

Ridiculous bass, aggravating treble
Rebel, renegade, must stay paid
not by financial aid, but a raid of hits
causing me to take long trips…

Just in case you haven’t been paying attention, I go by the name Commish CH, which is short for Commissioner. That name stems from the fact that I have been at the helm of a very inebriated, stubborn, fool hardy, and hardscrabble fantasy football league since the Golden Age of 1994.

Since then, I have accumulated well over 100 losses, drafted some miserable players, and presided over a league where the drunkest owner is more popular than the champion.

This weekend I’m sure many of you have your annual Fantasy Football draft. Hordes of men and women will clutter into basements, bars, and office conference rooms to take their chance at drafting Adrian Peterson. Include myself and the SG Crew among those assembling. With that, there is a certain way to prepare and get yourself ready for draft day…

---Screw waking up early. In fact, don’t even go to sleep. Keep yourself awake on a vicious mixture of Diet Mountain Dew, Mentos, kiwi, and B12 shots into your eyeball.

---Take a walk to your local pizza joint and say you are the “District 51 Pizza Inspector.” Get into the kitchen and wear the dough as a hula-type skirt, then cook it and share it with the cashiers at the Credit Union in the same strip mall. Fuel for your mind!

---Stop by you local Pilates studio and smash your testicles against the window. Then run. Ooooh, that high!

---Make a visit to the local magazine shop, but rather than loading up on FF newsletters and mags, just cut the shit and buy a few copies of ‘Young Farmer’s Daughter’s Hot Tuna’ and ‘Field and Stream’.

---Break into the draft site and replace the names for the draft order with pictures of 80’s TV icon Alf with the caption ‘This is what the Commissioner had in his bed last night’.

---Rather than using a number two pencil or steely black Bic pen, write your cheat sheets with the blood of a freshly killed rabbit. Keep said rabbit in a dirty dog dish with you throughout the draft. Intimidation!

---Draft former Vikings RB LeRoy Hoard. That way the league thinks you know something they don’t. Kind of like how Winthorpe and Billy Ray Valentine tricked the Dukes. Before you know it, you’ll have a run of Erik Kramer, Darnay Scott, Fuad Reviez, and Tamarick Vanover.

---Forgo the laptop and pick up a Commodore 64 at the local thrift store. Roll into that shit with a reel to reel tape machine, a helmet phone with the Memphis Showboats logo, and some 70 year old named Abe. Preparation!

---When you get the last pick and then you hear your pick has just been released, just drink yourself silly, it’s worked for me for 14 years.

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