Saturday, April 28, 2007

Yard Sale!

A pair of bright phat yellow Air Max
Hit the racks, stack 'em up Son, $20 off no tax...

This weekend the Broncos held a defacto yard sale: selling old gear, uniforms, memorabilia, and the like at Invesco Field here in Denver. Mainly a lot of old jersies, media guides, and a bunch of old crap that the Broncos thought they could make a buck or two on. You know, these NFL teams are strapped, every dime hels. Among the standards were these little known gems:

**Dan Reeves Game Plan Sheet from Oct 5, 1986: Consists of three plays: Halfback dive, punt formation, and FG formation.

**Vance Johnson’s blouse: Remember the gear Dave Chappelle wore as Prince in that skit? Vance was “mad fruity” like that back in the day. It was found wedged in Pat Bowlen’s couch.

**Burnt out tanning bed bulbs from Mike Shannahan's office.

**Terrell Davis’ Gold Club VIP Card.

**Scores of single shoes belonging to Rich Karlis. Perfect for those people who may have two left feet!

**Fur Coat: Pat Bowlen’s snazzy fur coat from the 1986 AFC Championship. Dry cleaning may be required to clean off rank Milkbone smell.

**One Honda Element owner’s manual. Initials on front cover read "JP".

**Hampster Bones: The remains are believed to be from a hamster that Sammy Winder raced in 1986. The Hamster, dubbed Mississippi Muddy, won handily.

**Dog Toys: found in Brian Griese’s locker

**Assorted batteries: From the 1994 season; hurled at Wade Phillips

**Ted Gregory: Not a picture, or a jersey, but the actual Ted Gregory, the Broncos first round pick in 1988. He’s been hanging around doing nothing since then.

**Stickers: Jake Plummer kept all the stickers he refused to put on his helmet in a nifty manila folder. There might even be some Garbage Pail Kids or Hello Kitty in there!

**Clarence Kay’s state/city records (forklift recommended)

**Assorted “vitamin” tackle boxes: Used by Bill Romonowski and Lyle Alzado. Perfect to hold your daily supply of vitamins!

**Gerald Wilhite’s Gheri Curl activator.

**One blue wig that belonged to Clinton Portis’ mom or perhaps it belonged to former safety Tony Lilly.


Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Lamb Blasted

Hate no one but love only a few
Franklin, Grant and yeah mom too
I run buckwild for self or with the crew
But then again, huh I thought you knew...

The state school to the north hasn’t exactly been receiving the best PR lately. First, a kid gets plowed over during their Spring Game, then one basketball player goes Dr. Dre on another by pointing a gun at his head, before firing it into a couch. Neither of the two incidents are a laughing matter, but being the childish humorists we are here at SG, we couldn’t help ourselves:

--Looks like the Rams finally found a good shooter.
--Did you take my university issued Pro Keds you bastard!?
--Let’s play our favorite game, I’ll be Joey Porter, you be the gunman!
--F*ck your couch. No seriously, f*ck your couch!
--Don’t confuse him with Pistol Pete.

--The kid was perfectly safe in the end zone; I mean it’s the CSU offense.
--That kid took that hit a lot better than Marcus Houston.
--The kid is used to it- it’s usually a wayward sheep running into him.
--Damn kid, he lead with his head, should be a 15 yard penalty!
--That kid must’ve been distracted by the tens of fans in the stands.
--Cover three. As in the defense, not the three-year old.
--No Coach Lubick, that wasn’t our starting linebacker.
--C’mon kid, separate the receiver from the ball!
--The kid’s fine, but the receiver really got his bell rung and forgot everything from his “Coloring Inside the Lines” class yesterday.
--When the kid finally came to the first thing he said was, “dammit, Dad, you couldn’t get into CU, could you?”

(thanks to a few of the posters at netbuffs for a few of those.)
(and yes, Lamb fans, I’m aware of the scoreboard. 14-10, thank you. That’s what makes this even sadder, he tackles better than half the CU defense.)
(and finally, the kid is perfectly fine, he's been making the rounds on talk shows, he might even stop by the Crop Report on Local Access!)


Sunday, April 22, 2007


Last week an edict was issued by Straight Bangin: what are your top 25 Hip Hop albums of all-time? Being one who follows instructions, I decided to toss my fitted New Era cap into the ring. It became one of the hardest lists I ever compiled, even more than when I'd shop at Liquor Mart and had to decide between Natural Ice and Keystone Light.

I had some loose rules for myself, even though overall there were no rules. One, I would try to only select an artist or even his crew once. Two, no compilation albums, R&B and/or rock fusion albums. Three, no albums from 2006 or 07 would be eligible.

As set forth each album will receive 25 points for being #1, down to 1 point for #25. Unlike the ESPN coaches poll, my assistant/SID/trash man did not fill out my ballot.

1-The Cold Vein- Cannibal Ox (2001)
2-Supreme Clientele- Ghostface Killah (2000)
3-Runaway Slave- Showbiz & AG (1992)
4-Enta Da Stage- Black Moon (1993)
5-Here Come the Lords- Lords of the Underground (1993)
6-Criminal Minded- Boogie Down Productions (1987)
7-Cypress Hill- Cypress Hill (1991)
8-Moment of Truth- Gangstarr (1998)
9-Death Certificate- Ice Cube (1991)
10-Yo! Bum Rush the Show- Public Enemy (1987)
11-Enter the Wu Tang- Wu Tang Clan (1993)
12-Straight Outta Compton- NWA (1989)
13-Unfinished Business- EPMD (1989)
14-Illmatic- Nas (1994)
15-Between a Rock and a Hard Place- Artifacts (1995)
16-Tougher Than Leather- Run DMC (1988)
17-Ready to Die- Notorious BIG (1994)
18-Midnight Mauraders- Tribe Called Quest (1993)
19-Follow the Leader- Eric B & Rakim (1988)
20-Beauty and the Beat- Edan (2005)
21-Am I Black Enough For You?- Schoolly D (1989)
22-Black Album- Jay-Z (2003)
23-Vaudeville Villain- Viktor Vaughn (2003)
24-Stress: The Extinction Agenda- Organized Confusion (1994)
25-XO Experience- Tha Alkaholiks (2001)

LAST SIX OUT: Bizarre Ride to the Pharcyde- Pharcyde (1992), Nine Livez- Nine (1995), Long Live the Kane- Big Daddy Kane (1988), Internal Affairs- Pharoah Monch (1999), Tical- Method Man (1994), Muddy Waters- Redman (1996)

SURPRISES IN THE MIX: Capital Punishment- Big Pun (1998), Lord Willin- The Clipse (2003), Sex Packets- Digital Underground (1990), Back in Black- Whodini (1986)

MID MAJORS: Bakooka Tooth- Aesop Rock (2003), Both Sides of the Brain- Del (2000), Date of Birth- The Arsonists (2001), Die Rugged Man Die- RA the Rugged Man (2005), The Platform - Dialated Peoples (2000), The Sun Rises in the East- Jeru the Damaja (1994), Home Field Advantage- High and Mighty (1999), Further Adventures of Lord Quas- Quasimoto (2004)

OLD SCHOOL BANGERS: WC & The Maad Circle- Aint a Damn Thing Changed (1991) The Cactus Album- 3rd Bass (1989), Naughty By Nature- S/T (1991), Original Gangster- Ice-T (1991), Youngest In Charge- Special Ed (1989)

Entire Alkaholiks catalog, Wu Albums pre 1998, entire EPMD catalog, Fear of a Black Panet- Public Enemy (1990), Most Boot Camp Click albums pre 1997, Amerikkkas Most Wanted- Ice Cube (1990), KRS-One- S/T (1993), entire Tribe Called Quest catalog (excluding their final), about half of the MF Doom solos and collabos, entire Eric B & Rakim catalog, More Fish- Ghostfaace Killah (2006)

INELIGIBLE BUT HOT: What's the 411?- Mary J Blige (1991), Check Your Head- Beastie Boys (1992), Soul Survivor- Pete Rock (1998), Duck Season Vol 1- DJ Babu (2002), Juice Soundtrack (1992), Food and Liquor- Lupe Fiasco (2006)


Thursday, April 19, 2007

5 Ways to Hammer the Spurs

Yo when you bug out, you usually have a reason for the action
Sometimes you do it just for mere satisfaction
People be houndin, always surroundin
Pulsin, just like a migraine poundin...

The Nuggets start their NBA first round series versus their 2005 opponent, the San Antonio Spurs, later this weekend. Most NBA pundits and experts give the Powder Blue Patrol no chance of winning more than one game much less the entire series. Slushy Gutter Summer disagrees, if perhaps the Nugs utilize some complicated basketball strategy...

1-Buggin Out. Every time the Spurs are whistled for a foul, they get the bug eyed look like they’re Igor from “Young Frankenstein.” Tim Duncan looks he just saw Beyonce’s rack rather than getting whistled for a foul; it’s as prevalent in the playoffs as Marv Albert’s wig. The Nugs need to counter by bringing in their own big eye player. Who better than Reche “Headlights” Caldwell? Who knows if he can play hoops, but damn, have you seen this guy’s saucers? After 48 minutes of this, Reche will make the Spurs whining look like a B movie actor.

2-Bye Bye Bye. Every guy in the world has a grudge against the last guy who poked out his girl. For Tony Parker, former N’Syncer JC Chasez is that dude. As the last guy to taste Eva Longoria’s sweet goodness before Tony Parker’s little French fry swooped in, JC's mere presence will certainly raise his ire. JC can sing the National Anthem, sit on the Nugs bench, sit on Scott Hastings’ lap. He can catch Frisbees at halftime, take half court shots with Rocky, sit at halfcourt with LaLa and Rahchine, anything to get LeTony all snooty and dribbling the ball of his leg.

3-Sick balls. Reggie Evans hasn’t got a lot of minutes this year, but surely you won’t waste his talent for attempting to de-man the opposition. Ask Chris Kaman, who really hasn’t been the same player since Reg tried to milk his scrot last year. Game One, Reg needs to be on the floor and while going for a rebound a key Spur needs to get Evans’ “personal” attention. Worse case scenario, they come out later with protective cups, which in turn chafes their packages, making simple jogging really uncomfortable.

4-Def Comedy Jam. Since Tim Duncan hater Joey Crawford won’t be reffing this series, we have to hope the replacement refs harbor the same distaste for Timmy that he did. That means getting Tim to laugh on the bench and hope Dick Bevetta or Violet Plamer tosses his ass for it, ala Crawford. Something tells me Tim might get a chuckle out of simple puppet shows, pull my finger jokes, and the zany antics of the ‘Home Alone’ movies.

5-Riots. Manu Ginolbli might be so ice cold because American hoops’ fans can’t really hold a candle to his Argentinan countrymen and their raucous soccer crowds. Let’s see how cool Ginolbli is when he gets a flaming flare off the side of his dome. Urine bombs, battery chucking and even family kidnapping are other options. (SG does not recommend the kidnapping, unless it’s for a pizza and video games at Chuck E Cheese.)


Tuesday, April 17, 2007

It Could Be Anything!

Let's get up, let's get down
Roll wit the hardcore funk, the hardcore sound
Let's get wit this, mackadocous funk material
So simple, when I rock with the instrumental...

What/who is (a) Von Wafer?

a- The diabolical evil scientist trying to turn the Fantastic Four into small poodles
b- A member of the Colorado 14ers, who begin their one game playoff today
c- A crisp pastry favored by British barristers during afternoon tea ("say Nigel, these Von Wafers are quite tasty good chap!")
d- A member of the Denver Nuggets, who are playing a defacto exhibition game today
e- The Colorado 14ers? Is that some hippy mountaineering group?
f- Another alias by underground rap star MF Doom
g- 1st team all-NBDL
h- Lloyd's love interest on "Entourage"
i- The hot new brand of gear favored by hipsters ("dude, is that a new Von Wafer tee? Yeah, brah, I got this Von Wafer trucker cap too!")
j- Some lame nickname this blog gives to some miscreant alcoholic friend

Answer: Von Wafer


Sunday, April 15, 2007

Sprung Game

The super flow with more jokes than Bazooka Joe
A mix between Superfly Snuka and a superhoe
Chew an MC like El Chupa Nibre
Digest a group and sell the poop on eBay...

Thoughts and observations from this past Saturday's CU Spring Game:

-Wayne Arnold is definitely the real deal at QB. He has separated himself from JUZCO transfer Nick Nelson with his impressive knowledge of the CU offense, personnel, and ability in the pocket. By the time game one versus the sheep rolls around on Labor Day weekend, Wayne should be firmly entrenched as the number one signal caller.

-Bernard Jackson in his new Slash role has the looks of a good move by the coaching staff. BJax lined up at QB on Saturday and ran off a few long runs, as well as getting nearly 100 yards in kickoff returns. The staff must find a way for him to also be involved as a receiver. The change of pace BJax will give to defenses could be key, especially if the brain trust can get him into the receiving game as well.

-It was hard to gauge the defense since they were going versus a thin OL and inexperienced QBs. The DL stood out with George Hypolite poised to have a nice Fall, as well as DLs Brandon Nicholas and youngster Jason Brace. Big 12 receivers will undoubtedly be on the lookout for the CU safeties, among them Ryan Walters, who can bring the big hits. Transfer DJ Dykes will also offer a physical presence at the position.

-The running game won't remind anyone of the Chris Brown era, but maybe the Rick Neuheisel era in which the team struggled to break 100 yards. Hugh Charles still has a case of happy feet and the backs behind him (Byron Ellis, Kevin Moyd) aren't the big back types the staff craves. A glimmer of hope could be in Demetrius Sumler, a bruiser-type, and incoming transfer PT Gates, who Dan Hawkins called a "Reggie Bush" type.

-The receiving corps are still struggling to catch the ball, witness the numerous drops on Saturday. A few of the passes were a bit off the mark, but many simply bounced off their hands and even a few were picked off after drops. The incumbents Dusty Sprague, Jerrel Yates, Alvin Barnett, and Patrick Williams had better catch ALOT of tosses this summer, as CU has three incoming stud frosh WRs coming in this fall in Josh Smith, Kendrick Celestine, and Markas Simas.

-The above running game troubles could start up front with the thinned out OL. The entire Spring ran with 6 or 7 OL during drills. One injury and the line is a walk-on or true freshman away from a revamped and shuffled unit that could spell doom versus the likes of Florida State, Oklahoma, and the rest of the fierce Big 12. Watch for all-world recruit Ryan Miller to start the moment he steps on campus.

-Two time Slushy Gutter winner Juck still being razzed for missing the KU game due to a massive hangover...Two time Slushy Gutter winner JBiz talking Mrs. Biz into giving him a ride to a post-game beer at a local bar because he'd left his car downtown after a wicked Friday night of drinking...Many yells and cheers related to "It ain't intramurals, brother!"...About 6500 in attendance, well short of the high five figures some other schools get, but hey, it's Colorado, we have plenty of other stuff to do. (Like the aforementioned drinking)...Our friend Fatty questioning the meaning of "tea bag"

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Jedi Mind Tricks/Sean Price Live

I'm back in this bitch, we was gone for a while
Till a shorty told me that he heard my song and he smiled

I'm strong but I'm wild, they say I drink too much

The only problem that I have is that I think too much...

Mrs. Commish and I made the rare school night journey to Boulder this past Tuesday to check the Sean Price / Jedi Mind Tricks show. After reading 20/20 Proof’s review, I was prepared for a long night and geared up for the festivities with a fat Illegal Pete’s burrito and a couple smooooooooth CLs. An added bonus was it was ‘Skate Video Night’ at Petes! Brah! With our bellies full we arrived while the opening group, Grayskull was performing.

Grayskull consists of two MCs- one looks like Carlos Mencia’s son, the other looks like Fresh Kid Ice’s son- and a Sideshow Bob looking DJ. The trio hails from Seattle and put it down pretty hard for the Fox Theater crowd. I was surprised to learn they were on Rhymesayers and I might check for their CD.

After Grayskull finished, I had a chance to survey the crowd. It was a typical Fox Theater Hip Hop show demographic: 75% dudes, 85% white, and about 95% younger than The Commish. The 21 and over section where I was sucking down BLs in was pretty thin. Further confirmation of the younger crowd came when the Grayskull DJ stayed on to spin before the next act. Homey spun some hot classics, from “Kick in the Door,” to “Daytona 500,” a few Rakim cuts, even Boulder fave Jurassic 5. Normally during these shows, these bangers illicit a steady head nod, fist pumps, and collective “ho!” from the masses. But most of the patterned-zip-down-hoodie sporting kids seemed more concerned with texting, talking on their phone, or sucking face with eachother.

I was a bit amped to see the Boot Camp's Sean P; y'all know The Commish, I rep for the BCC. Sean Price emerged after a bit and launched into material from his newest joint as well as 2005’s Monkey Barz. He criss-crossed the stage, the beat frequently stopping entirely as he continued to spit acapella on more than a few occasions. However, his energy was severely lacking, and as we came to find out, his hype man, Rustee Jux, had to leave the tour due to his sister’s recent death. Sean soldiered on, dropping one Heltah Skeltah joint, “Operation Lockdown” and his verse from BCC’s “Trading Spaces.”

He ended his set with a more inspired version of “Boom Bye Yeah” (easily his top track) and “P- Body.” He threw in the requisite “how many of y’all are doing schrooms?” which got his loudest cheer, before ending with “Hearing Aide” and “One” from Jesus Price Superstar.

With a 45 minute break before JMT, the Bootcamp DJ stayed on and spun nearly every BCC hit from the past 14 years. It didn’t matter to the restless crowd, many of whom were now sparking up at a pace that would make Willie Nelson blush. The drunk kid behind me bellowed “fuck this, I want me some Jedi” as Black Moon’s classic, “How Many MCs” blasted.

JMT finally made it out a bit before Wednesday morning, as my lovely wife was well into her third rum and coke. They brought along a DJ by the name of Question who cut it up pretty nice as Vinnie Paz and his hype man went right through three songs from their last two releases. JMT’s heavy acoustics, strings, and deep rhythms were perfectly suited to the Fox’s sound system and intimate setting.

Vinnie Paz (remember Doug’s friend Spence from The King of Queens? Imagine him with about 30 pounds extra- that’s Vinnie Paz) came prepared with three vodka and pineapple juice cocktails while his hypeman swilled Heinikens and Question had a few Coronas. Slushy Gutter, indeed. The one thing I noticed about Paz is this guy really is passionate about his songs. He mouthed the words to each sampled voice (“you don’t got to go to church to get to know your God…”) and looked like he really felt what he was spitting.

Unfortunately, the set came to a harsh grind after the first 15 minutes. Like taking a page out of the MC live manual, JMT spent the next half an hour pleading with the crowd because we “were sleeping” and then did the “I’ll take this half, you take this half” cheering contest. Memo to MCs: spit some hot shit, have some energy, throw on an old classic beat to spit over and you won’t need these old gimmicks.

Paz and his man went into a few anti-government and anti-Vatican rants, but nothing over the top given their penchant for it with 10 years of JMT material. With that JMT did “Heavy Metal Kings,” their joint with Sean Price (who by now was mimicing Molly Shannon's 'Superstar' pose) and a few other tracks before “leaving” to the cheers of the increasingly thinning crowd. Even the drunk kid behind me had bailed by now; so much for him “wanting his Jedi!”

Out came JMT for their encore, in which they brought up about 10 girls from the crowd to dance with behind them for the remaining few tracks. Paz perfectly stated to the crowd and the girls, “yo, I love my mother, so I never disrespect these women or any others.” That’s real right there. With that he launched into the final jam and JMT was out, it was pushing 1:30 am. Well past a Tuesday night bedtime for The Commish. Overall, I enjoyed the show, if not only for the music, but a little crowd watching.

Crooklyn's Classics takes a look at life on the road with Sean Price
VIDEO: Jedi Mind Tricks w/Ill Bill "Heavy Metal Kings"

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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Melo Thoughts

There was a few times I needed your support
But you tried to play me like an indoor sport
like racquetball, tennis, pool, whatever
All I know is you attempted to be clever...

Carmelo Anthony and his buddy are in some hot water – again – for an off-the-court incident last month. Seems Melo and his weed-carrier, errrrrr, friend, Rahchine Craig, stopped by a 7-11 on the morning of March 18 at 3:30am. While inside a fan asked Melo for an autograph, which Melo refused. The man then allegedly made threats to Melo, which in turn prompted Melo’s friend to beat his ass inside the 7-11.

While the 3:30am time may raise some eyebrows, let’s remember that the Nuggets played an 8:00pm game that night. Throw in the national TV delay/length, the blow-out at the hands of the Suns, Steve Nash’s diarrhea breaks, post game interviews, stern words from Coach Karl, a rousing game of Risk with Eduardo Najera, the travel time to the 7-11, waiting for the cold bean burrito to heat up in those low-wattage microwaves, the 3:30am doesn’t seem far-fetched.

First of all, this “fan” who is inside the 7-11 at 3:30am the morning after St Patrick’s Day? I’m sure he was just up early for his Sunday paper route. Reportedly the fan, after Melo’s refusal, was on his cell phone asking someone to “kill Melo.” Must’ve been the new Hitman Hotline.

I’ve been turned down for autographs before, but my thought process is usually:

"Hey, it’s Mr. Athlete, I should get an autograph…Huh?...What an asshole…typical athlete these days…fuck him…he’s overrated…I need a drink…I should write about this on my stupid blog."

The thought process of the 7-11 patron:

"Ahhhhh, man I’m messed up…Hey, there’s Melo…me and him should be friends…What an asshole…I’m mad…typical player these days…I should call someone to kill him…Yes, I’m going to do just that…This guy should lose his life because he didn’t sign my Snickers bar wrapper…that’ll show him."

What were Melo’s thoughts?:

"Fuck the Suns…dang I drank this Slurpee too fast…brain chiiiiiiiiiiil…what does this drunk ahole want…I’m in no mood to sign autographs…stop snitching…I should get Rahchine to beat his ass…maybe I should slap him then back peddle across the street there…damn, Rah really slapped the shit outta him."

And Melo’s buddy's thoughts?

"Man, this is bullshit…driving this dude all over town…man, it’s like 4am and I have Pilates at 8am…who’s that dude talking to Melo…is that Nate Robinson…man, Melo looks heated…dang, they’re out of those smoked beef jerky sticks…you want me to do what…now I’m this dude’s fucking enforcer?...I hope Melo didn’t gank my Chili Cheese Fritos."

Finally, the 7-11 clerk’s:

"Oh great, another drunk guy…I gotta get that novel done…I hope this guy has some one dollar bills…is that cheese pump broke again!?...I’m going to work on the novel first thing after work…maybe I should smoke a bowl or two first though…hey, that’s that basketball or football guy…maybe the main character should be a dragonslayer or a warlock…oh shit, that drunk guy just got totally smacked…great the cops are gonna have to come…again."


Monday, April 09, 2007

Sweet Swedish

People gather round, J-Ro is on arrival
Raised in the ghetto sing songs called survival
Chillin in my drawers in hotels like the bible...

Like most people, I love me anything that is free. Unlike most people, I love me a small, underground LA rap group known as Tha Alkaholiks. So when I stumbled across a mixtape with new material from Liks stalwart J-Ro, and it was being offered for free, it was like a cold Coors Light being served to me by Halle Barry. Or Melo hitting the game winner in the Finals while I chug an icy CL draft. Or the Buffs kicking the sodbusters in the collective groin while the derelicts in my section swig a snuck-in smooooooooth keg of CL. Or...yeah, you get the picture?

J-Ro’s homebase is now somewhere in Sweden, and his record home is someplace named JuJu Records. No word if it’s an offshoot of the JuJus candy people. The Hip Hop mecca known as Sweden? I love it when they call me Big Foppa. The tape features a host of guests: Method Man, Liks partner Tash, Styliztik Jones, James DeBarge, and Planet Asia among other lesser known MCs. Yes, James DeBarge, don’t ask why, it’s free.

I usually leave the posting of CDs and audio tracks to the great collection of blogs that specialize in that, but below is the link that can get you and your grandma, your gay hairstylist, and your weird neighbor who smells like burnt toast the 818 Antics Mixtape from J-Ro. Cheers.


Track Listing:
1. Mr. Bartender
2. Tonight feat. Kurupt
3. Get Involved feat. Tash, Stylistik & James DeBarg
4. Shake It feat. Planet Asia & Will Blast
5. Cold One
6. Earthquake feat. Stylistik
7. That's Likwit
8. Step By Step feat. Timbuktu & ADL
9. I'm Leaving feat. Chords
10. Another feat. Spotrunnaz
11. Watcha Lookin' At?
12. It Don't Stop feat. Method Man & KB I Mean
13. Anthrax feat. Roscoe & Stylistik
14. Blaze feat. Rantoboko
15. Party People
16. Never Meant To feat. Kurupt & Stylistik
17. Love Out of Nothing (Remix) feat. Titiyo
18. Akser
19. Ho, Ho, Ho (Bad Santa)


Saturday, April 07, 2007

Linkoln Logs April

But I don't party and shake my butt
I leave that to the brothers with the funny haircuts...


-Every Day Should Be Saturday has the recap of Coach Hawk's visit to Gainesville. I have a sneaky feeling that ol Hawk might get a web-wide and media-wide rep for being the Hulk Hogan of the coaching realm.

-Your Colorado Rockies, first place, bitches. The Purple Row has a breakdown of the early-season "showdown" between the titanic Rox and the Fathers. April 6? So what, get those World Series plans ready. Either that or start talking about the Broncos as usual in August.


-A album that I've really been feeling this spring is Wisemen's Wisemen Approaching. It's definitely flown under the radar but offers a classic, stripped down sound and impressive wordplay between MCs Bronze Nazareth, Kevlaar 7, Salute, and Phillie. The CD is peppered with guest appearances from Wu-affiliates Killah Priest, Prodigal Sunn, and GZA. Other guests include Planet Asia and Vast Aire of Can O, who blesses the track "Iconoclasts" with some straight fire.

-Beefs in Hip Hop are about as common as shiny rims, gun lyrics, and wack beats. Unfortunately, none of theses beefs are worthy of LL-Moe Dee or even Jay-Nas. EWA takes a look at the "beef" between producers Scott Stoch and Timbaland. There's actually alot of material there: Storch's wack Darth Vader sunglasses, Tim's freakish steriod-Tookie-like physique, the fact that either of them are rapping. What's next? Sound engineer beef? The roadies? Tour bus drivers? "Yo, you pull into the Flying J all stupid lame, you fill the bus with low octane gasoline." Holler.


-A trip to the liquor store yesterday revealed the lot of spring seasonal beers that breweries flood the shelves with. Seasonal beers seemed to be limited to one- Coors Winterfest that your drunk Uncle brought over on Christmas Eve. Now we are hammered with beers for every season (I got tipsy off a November candied-yams beer last year.) Beer Advocate chronicles the spring selections for the imbibers and Slushy Gutter heads.

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Thursday, April 05, 2007

Coach Bzzzzz throws strikes

This is poison so be alert and cautious
Those who act courageous you will get nauseous
Infected or contaminated
Turn on your stereo never come radioactivated ...

Surprise, surprise. CU hired Jeff Bzdelik to coach it's moribund hoop's program. On a related note: man has landed on the moon, dogs lick their ass, I like Coors Light, and Scarlett Johansson wants me. Alright, I made up that last one, but this has been the worst kept secret since Geraldo (the journalist, not the early 90's rapper) found nopthing in Al Capone's vault.
Coach Bzzzzzz took the CU job, met the press, probably tossed a frisbee, played some hackey sack, downed a beer or ten with some frat boys, protested outside the football offices, you know all the typical Boulder ish. He then scurried up the corridor to Coors Field where he threw out the first pitch at the Rox game. Strike? Maybe not, but it was better than the Cincinnati mayor's offering.

Bottom line: Good hire. His detractors point to the lack of proven recruting success. He points to his NBA experience, that it will be a key in convincing young, bratty, I-am-the-greatest-hoops-player-ever, athletes to spend their time playing in front of 7500 fans disguised as empty seats in Boulder. He's an X and O guy, learning from Pat Riley (but not wearing the pimped Armani; Jeff is definitely a Men's Warehouse cat.) He will instill discipline in a team that looked like ran about as potent offense as the Washington Generals. Don't expect a miracle turn-around, but with the Big 12 (yes, IT'S THE BIG 12!) with about four top tier teams and the rest fighting for position, Bzzzzzz can make noise quicker than we may think.


Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Triple Threat

Counterclockwise, I rise like the sun
Now feel the heat from the rays of the gun
Shooting out the mental mist
How you gonna know the real shit when your style's counterfeit…

Last night was one of those rare nights when us CO sports fans could watch three of our professional teams in action (except for the first few minutes of the Avs, where someone in Calgary tripped over a power cord.) It was also a rare night when all three teams actually won. What would’ve been even rarer? Maybe if all three teams actually played eachother due to some strange scheduling quirk.

The Rox overcame Byung Hyun Kim’s flashback to the 2001 Series and rallied behind two rookies, Chris Iannetta and Troy Tulowitzki (those two names together is a triple word score in Scrabble or they were the token white dudes on The White Shadow?) and beat the Snakes 4-3. Note to Arizona: nice red unis, I mean were we playing the Reds/Cards/Nationals?

The Avs faint playoff hopes remained as Super Joe and the boys beat the Calgary Flames 4-3. Most likely, they will miss the playoffs, which is a damn crying shame with the team perhaps the NHL’s best right now. Gives backup Jose Theodore time to bang more hotel heiresses. Yes, and it was the same score as the Rockies. Cosmic karma type stuff? No douche bag, one's baseball the other hockey. Duh.

Finally, the Nuggets capped off the night by beating Whiny Kobe and the Bryant-ettes out in La-La land. Adrian Dantley looked like a nervous wreck coaching in George Karl’s absence, but the team played well in the fourth quarter (despite horrible officiating) to remain in the WC 7th spot.

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Monday, April 02, 2007

Opening Daze

The whole purpose of the story I told
Was mainly to inspire you to reach your goal
Stop walking through life as if you were blind
You should reach for your goal cause I'm reaching for mine...

Today marks the 13th straight Opening Day I will attend at beautiful Coors Field here in God's Country. That's every single first game since Coors Field opened back in 1995.

I've seen Dante's mullet flowing in the wind, 250 pound guys without their shirts in 30 degree weather, two-time Slushy Gutter winner T-Dub return from the game only to passout on a toilet seat, and drank lots of Coors Light. I saw Clint Barmes blast a homer to win the game (only to crash down some stairs months later carrying a sack of deer meat), a vicious cat fight outside of LoDo's bar, and sampled lots of Coors Light.

I saw alleged number one starters Mike Hampton and Brian Bohannon (who could probably eat most of Coors Field), the Big Cat, NL MVP Larry Walker, Juan Pierre, Ellis Burks, and Vinny Castilla. I drank Coors Light, saw two-time Slushy Gutter winner Juck make a beard out of cotton candy, sweated and burnt my head to a red crisp in nearly 80 degree weather, and watched my old homey Scott La Rock sell CDs to have beer money for the game. I've had friends fly in from miles away for the game, seen bars around the yard that come and went (Stars, Blake St Baseball Club, Wazoo's, Walker's, Hooters, and Cooperstown), saw plenty of boobies on the rooftops, and sucked a few smooooooooth CLs.

I ate burritoes from Nancy, hot dogs, E-Train's strange request for pizza with extra sauce, Breckenridge BBQ, Jackson's chicken sandys, plenty of Coors Light, and developed a crush on the beer girl at Splinters. I stayed up late to catch the NCAA championship, crashed early to miss the NCAA championship, christened my new house with a steady stream of vomit upon my return, seen more than half the teams in the NL, and watched my dunn CeeTuck try to "create." I've seen dads with sons, grandpa with grandkids, Dinger with a stream of kids following, the Rockpile line nearly 1000 deep, high hopes for a Wildcard, the division, the pennant, even the World Series, and plenty of expected last place finishes. I've drank beer from keg cups, pint glasses, cans, bottles, and pitchers.

Sleeveless pinstripes, black home unis, and traditional whites. I've seen Coors Light girls, Miller girls, drunk frat boys, old men playing the clarinet, and the same bunch of scalpers each year. I've parked at the Skyline Cafe, paid $5 for parking, paid $30 for parking, walked a mile to the game, taken the bus to the game. I've made big bets on football games, sat in the Pavillion, in the nosebleeds, along the baselines. I've seen more players that I couldn't remember if I had a cheat sheet (Kurt Abbot, Jeffrey Hammonds, Nelson Cruz, Henry Blanco, Terry Shumpert and his mini-stache, Brent Butler, Masato Yoshii, Gary Norton, and Jayhawk Owens)... maybe due to all that Coors Light.

It's baseball, it's every team at 0-0, it's your buddies, your family, the smell of fresh cut grass, and did I mention the Coors Light? Play ball!

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