Beers, Rhymes, and Life

Kick your, dopest rhyme I'll break it up like 3rd Bass
I'm from the crew that sets it off by sprayin beer in your face...

Upon further review, the SG takes a look at the non-count that was the Slushy Gutter Summer Mission. Not like we were counting the pure shit-headedness that is 528 beers, but it might've went a lil something like this in the beer progression:

BEER #
1- An ice cold Coors Light pre-Rockies game. It might’ve been that CL that contributed to the early season struggles.
6- A traditional Michelob Ultra at the conclusion of the Bolder Boulder, overlooking North Boulder from Folsom Field while listening to Edan’s “Promised Land.” A truly niiiiiiiiice moment.
19-34- Selling cheap garage sale crap is made so a lot easier by continuously downing CLs.
38- Some Hawaiian lager. Aloha.
39- A Miller Genuine Draft; RELATED: Tha Alkaholiks - "Hip Hop Drunkies"
75- Not the biggest fan of Texas, but a Shiner Bock? Yeeeeeee haw!
85- We got it for cheap: a Busch Light makes an appearance.
110- Slushy Gutter Alum Slick Rip’s bday means a crisp Rock Bottom Lumpy Dog. Do not confuse it with Beaver’s fat friend Lumpy.
117- A Skinny Dip microbrew; RELATED: Quasimoto f/ MF Doom - "Closer"
142- A Tommy Knocker Glacier Ale is the perfect ending to the Georgetown Half Marathon as I come over a mountain trail to see the mountain town glowing in the early morning sun, The Grouch’s “Show You the World” filling my ear.
154- A fresh Coors Light as I look over the wonder of Colorado’s Royal Gorge. (Or as my friend Uncle Buck called it later in the summer, the “Flaming Gorge”.)
199- A Coors Light while Current Slushy Gutter Winner Juck and former two time Slushy Gutter Winner Mummy and myself spend a few minutes trying to get a washer on a string onto a hook. Simple minds flock together.
206- A Dos XX for the first time; stay thirsty my friends.
230- A Red Stripe, Hooray for beer! RELATED: Young Black Teenagers - "Tap The Bottle"
232- Represent the real with Buffalo Gold.
234- A Sweaty Betty. No, that is a beer, not some slump buster. Seriously, get your mind out of the gutter.
250- State of Hip Hop and sports discussion with Slushy Gutter alum Trav. Later I go to the Rox game and score a free CL from the concessionnaire (255) and see some dude in a Jason Sehorn jersey. I end my drinking day about 2:30; Trav texts at 11pm claiming he’s “still at it!”
270- No Colorado Summer would be complete with out a trip to Glenwood and a Hanging Lake Ale.
283- A can of Corona at the pool is preceded by a cool run along the Roaring Fork River towards Mount Sopris with Pacewon and Mr Green blasting the iPod.
289- The coldest Coors in all of Colorado at Macinelli’s Pizza. Don’t believe me? Ask Former Slushy Gutter Winner JBiz (hi haters), who had a one and his penis froze off.
300- Sunshine Wheat topped with a sweet lemon. RELATED: Big Daddy Kane - "Smooth Operator"
316- Massive goblets of CL at the iconic Edgewater Inn.
340- A Rally Cap Ale, so good I turned my hat inside out and backwards and chanted "hey batter batter batter swiiiiiiing."
355- A Haystack Wheat. If beer was a needle in a haystack, I'm buying a hungry cow. RELATED: Ludacris - "The Potion"
368- As per tradition, a one-year old bday party CL; and another and another and…you get the picture.
388-393- Another CO icon bar: The Bucksnort Saloon in Sphinx Park. CLs at high altitude.
398- Kicking it old school: Miller High Life.
417- A Corona can at FF draft #1, I end up with a bunch of shitty players; the beer is deemed better than my team.
435- There’s been a lot of Miller Chills drank thus far and when I started shitting LimeAde, this was the last one. RELATED: EPMD - "You Gots To Chill" (and for you old school R&B heads: Guy - "Let's Chill" )
440-453- Our traditional draft; 8 cases are drank. Slushy Gutter winners abound.
505- A parking lot at Mile High CL as Slushy Gutter Alum Broz mans the tailgate grill and calls for coeds to have some “Slutburgers”.
511- I had hoped to avoid this beer, but it was the only freaking one around post CU-game: a Miller Lite. Desperate times.
522- A kiss from my beautiful wife as I enjoy a Lumpy Dog.
528- End game, 6pm Labor Day. A CL. But who the fuck was counting?

Nominate these Points

A true leader, don't choose to follow, choose what I swallow
whether water or a beer bottle, of course I play the lotto…

CO SPORTS:
-5280, the Mile High City’s and Metro Area’s foremost local rag (although it sometimes makes us suburban folks feel like we live the rural sticks) has a great article that offers more insight into Coach Dan Hawkins. As we’ve documented here at the SG, Hawk is a different breed: part Phil Jackson, part Yogi Berra, mix in some Aristotle, a bit of Bill Walsh, and maybe even some Harry Houdini. He can take the team to Water World and not be belittled for it like a previous CU Coach, yet still be raked over the coals for horrible play calling versus Iowa State. That being said, Hawk you better win by 2-3 TDs this weekend.

HIP HOP
-One of my favorite tracks out right now is DJ Revolution featuring KRS-One simply title ‘The DJ’. Surprise, KRS is preaching to all the played-out, flossed out rappers and radio programmers about the ills of contemporary Hip Hop, and as usual, he delivers. Of particular note is KRS railing on DJs who have “20,000 songs” on their computer and his 10 DJ Rules. Look for it Sept 16 on Rev’s ‘King of the Decks” album. CHECK IT

-Taking it waaaay underground in Hip Hop and steady blasting through the SG system is the Invizzibl Men’s “The Unveiling”. The group consists of Karniege, who has blessed projects from Def Jux over the years, and the relative unknown MarQ Spekt. The album is a collection of grimey, street heavy beats and rugged lyrics. Yet a few sextastic tracks offer some lightheartedness. An underground all-star collection of Vast Aire, Billy Woods, C Ray Walz, and Vordul Mega are peppered thoroughout. Peep the absolute illness that is the track “Jimmy Swagger”.

BEER
-The past two late Summers, I would be tallying up the wackness that was the SG Summer Missions. Ya know, that stupid shit of trying to down 528 (2006) or 5280 (2007) beers between Memorial Day and Labor Day. This year, I’m mad chilling and my super computer of a brain is intact as the tallying just never happened. Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

A super late fury of beers over the past Labor Day weekend would have pushed me to the hallowed 528 mark, because that mark doesn’t exist. The four day stanza went by with sucking smoooooooth CLs for free at a wedding (in which the bride mentioned she got CL because she “knew that myself and two-time Slushy Gutter Winner Mummy would be there”), popping mad beers tailgating with the SG Crew before and after CU’s Mile High win (including SG Alum Broz who dished out beers and “slutburgers” to coeds), and finally crushing beers with my beautiful wife on Labor Day. But that didn’t matter one bit this Summer….suckers. (528)

Labor Day Ales

I project my voice so it's right in the crowd.
There's a sign at the door: no bitin' allowed...

The end of Summer: final BBQs, back-to-school, pennant races heating up, a farewell to Summer brews, and getting back into the joy of pigskin. Here in SG Land, we enjoy alot of Summer's end all. Labor Day means College Football and CU kickoff, Fantasy Football, and mass, I mean mass beers consumed. As if we're trying to tell the body and the evil liver, "hey wake up, football season is coming!"

This upcoming weekend, one factor not in play for SG Summer is the piece of shit counting of all the beers that have been going on the last few summers. No mad scramble to down a ton of beers, no poetic downing of the "final" beer, none of that ridiculous stupidity. Yes, ridiculous stupidity. So, fire up the charcoal, toss you football, and tailgate to some Live Source "Live at the BBQ" or MC Serch's "Back to the Grill". But, don't count, there's no need to this Summer's end (453)

No Sweat the Technique

The director flip a script like Rob Reiner

The way a lotta dudes rhyme their name should be knob shiner...

Last summer (409) and the summer before that (469), around now I would’ve been really sweating. Because I wouldn’t be at all close to the 528 beers down my pipes goal that was laid out. 2008? Another summer…another number. And I don’t give a damn about no stinking numbers.

I can whisk the days and nights away at the Edgewater Inn, swilling mass goblets of beer and pizza, enjoy Sunshine Wheats at Arvada’s Grandview Tavern, and down a variety of beers on Denver’s Old South Pearl. I swilled many beers at the traditional summer one-year old’s bday party and nary a foul glare went my way. I can drink Pete’s Rally Cap Ale, Miller Chills, Red Stripes, and of course smooooooooooth CLs and not blink twice about trying to reach that statistically insignificant number.

In fact, I’ve eliminated that number from my life. Curse you, 528! If I get a raffle ticket, a race bib, a DMV number with that on it, I flush it down the nearest toilet. It’s August, there’s only three weekends left, and 528 is the furthest from my mind.(378 )

RELATED: The Beatnuts - "Props Over Here" ("But don't sweat that, cuz I'm let you keep your head.")

What's Up Doc?

Dead in the middle of Little Italy, little did we know
that we riddled some middleman who didn't do diddly...

The last week in July has traditionally been our trip to the mountain oasis that is Glenwood Springs, CO. This year was no different, as we made our way up and over Vail Pass (stopping at the world famous Red Lion for a few ice cold CLs) and into Garfield's County seat. Upon arrival, we were greeted by many Hanging Lake Ales, the usual assortment of CLs, and Mrs. Mummy visiting the ER due to a nasty shoulder separation.

Visits to the coldest CL in the world at Mancinelli's Pizza, Coronas at the Hot Springs, Avalanche Summer Brights at Rivers Restaurant, Bud Lights at the Carbondale Mountain Fair, and the always timeless beers at the Hotel Colorado. It all kept me in prime fashion all weekend long. Even two-time Slushy Gutter Winner Mummy and two-time Slushy Gutter Winner JayBiz visited Doc Holliday's grave a few beers down. For the record, Mummy claims JayBiz's SG Awards "don't really count." Hi haters.

The best part? No counting of the mass beers consumed, just alot of drankin and in my mind...straight zeros. (317)

RELATED: Intelligent Hoodlum - "Shoot Em Up" ... ("You start shootin like your name was Doc Holliday")

Education has Failed The Commish

I had to transform into educated lad

going around doing chores for your dad
playing a duck, wearing sweaters and shoes
chilling with pop just listen to the blues...

If I was doing the wack challenge from the past two summers, the Slushy Gutter Summer Mission, where I attempt to drink 528 or 5280 beers, it would be around this time when I start sweating.

Not only the nearly on-the-sun like temps here in the Box State, but my numbers would be too low and I would whine about how hard it will be to reach the goal. Instead, I have realized that I cannot count and I've enjoyed my last couple weeks, merrily drinking smoooooooooooooth CLs at The C-Level with three-time SG Winner Juck and two-time SG Winner Mummy. Throw in my SG win, that's a whole lot of SGs, but I can't freaking count anyway. Or taking a big 'L' at our annual Backgammon tourney, thereby ensuring a completely suds-filled day post-elimination. Of course, counting is central to backgammon, so I was already at a disadvantage.

I've been able to cruise the Louisville Street Faire with my old mid-90s favorite, Buffalo Gold, swill more CLs at two-time Slushy Gutter Winner JBiz's (Hi Haters!) crib, and opine over drunken tales and Hip Hop with 2007 SG alum, WYDU's own, and Matt Holliday hater Trav before a Rox game. I think it was the mid 90s, but maybe it was back in the 17th century, and maybe JBiz has won the award 26 billion times, because numbers and counting baffle me.

Most importantly, no counting. None, nada, zilch. I don't even think I can count anymore. Just today, I was asked how many Super Bowls the Donks have won and I couldn't answer, because, well, that would require counting. Hopefully they've won like 42, but I don't know. (260)

The Free Points

I cut most meticulous with a similar interest
King of pen and sing to a metronome without an influence...

CO SPORTS:
-FREE: Brandon Marshall might have some free time, as in a four game suspension if his legal woes continue. The Donk WR cannot stay out of his own way, with yet another brush with the law landing him back on the "other" gridiron known as the courtroom. This time he was ticketed for an illegal lane change in his Hummer. Yo, Brandon, mix in a Prius or something. While tickets for illegal traffic violations are common, what is not common is that Brandon did not have his driver's license or proof of insurance. This is a guy with more cases facing him than a Samonsite employee, and he isn't carrying the two basic essentials to driving. No word whether he had one of those vanilla car fresheners.

HIP HOP:
-FREE: Peep the free El-P WeAreAllGoingToBurnInHellMegaMix from the Def Jux camp. Free music you don't have to feel guilty about DLing. You can expect the standard El-P apocalypse meets Hip Hop rave with a side of Colt 45 and shell toes on this offering. Mainly instrumentals, but peep El Producto's stellar MC skills on "Krazy Kings 3."

BEER:
-FREE: That is the way The Commish feels as the summer approaches the All-Star break and ther is no lame counting of beers involved. So free, like an old sofa with a Sharpie marked sign on the side of a college town street in May. There's no counting over the past two weeks of the Tommyknocker Glacier I knocked back in Georgetown, nor the numerous beers I pounded in charming Salida, CO at Benson's Beer Garden or the fresh micros at Amicas. Of course, Fourth of July brought mad numbers of beers the past two summers, as it did this year, but who's counting? Freedom never tasted so smoooooooooooooth.(195)

RELATED: (sort of): Notorious BIG "Warning" ("heard about the pounds you got down in Georgetown...")

I Love the 2000 Beers

I seen the light excite all the freaks
Stack mad chips, spread love with my peeps...

I've always enjoyed VH1's series "I Love the 80's" and the subsequent "I Love the 90's." There were snippets of my youth, some Hip Hop (the Gerardo segment still cracks me up), and some sports. But the later "I Love the 90's" were a bit weird, since that shit seemed like it just happenned. Now I turn on VH1 and don't see MC Serch looking for the next great female rapper, Flavor Flav acting like a jackass, or sorrid tales of rock stars gone bad, but rather "I Love the New Millenium," a look at the decade we are currently in. They're talking about events that literally just happened and things that some of us have yet to even buy.

Got me thinking if the 2006 and 2007 versions would reminisce on the lame, no-talent, wack, played out endeavor that was the Slushy Gutter Summer Missions. You know those ridiculous beer counting Summers of 528 beers and then 5280 beers. Alas, they never mentioned them and we were spared the humiliation. Since the 2008 version won't be out until January 2nd, 2009, they thankfully won't be able to recount the past week of a few Lumpy Dogs at Slick Rips bday celebration, the mad smoooooooth CL's at the Arvada Gold Strike Days (along with a couple New Belgium Skinny Dips) or the tasty Miller Chills or Blue Moon Honey Wheat beers that were devoured this past week. (140)

RELATED: The Commish must pay his debt for mentioning Gerardo with Opio's "Don Julio" and Dilated Peoples' "Worst Comes to Worst"

I Hear Drunk Voices

Kick that ol' robotic, futuristic, George Jetson, crazy joint…

One of the problems about counting beers over the last two (1, 2) summers is mentally keeping notes of the numbers. The little voice in your head becomes more and more confused as the beer numbers pile up over the course of a long day, week, and month. So this summer, since I’m not counting, I have simply chose to ignore the little voice in my head. In fact, I’ve put that little fucker on full lock down mode and won’t listen to him like your dog won’t listen to you when you tell him not to piss in your shoes. To ensure I don’t listen to him and his lame counting, I have replaced his voice with that of Charlie Brown’s teacher, an unintelligible auctioneer, or the speaker box at a Jack in the Box drive-thru from 1989.

For instance, this past week would’ve seen a lot of counting with me and former two time Slushy Gutter winner JayBiz (Hi Haters!) and crew lounging on the LoDo’s deck swilling fresh CLs; me and former two time Slushy Gutter winner Mummy once again swilling beers at a one year old’s birthday party, including some prime Busch Lights. That was followed by some BLs at the annual Highlands Street Fair and back to ol' trusty CL with a late dinner at Patrick Caroll’s Pub in Denver. Sunday would’ve seen The Commish celebrating Father’s Day with a few smooooooooth CLs. But all that shit doesn’t matter, because the little voice wasn’t counting and all I heard was “wah wah wah wah wah.” (109)

RELATED: Maino- "Hi Hater"

Counting No's

See I paid my dues, now you can't tell me nothing
This is dedicated to the ones who kept fronting…

I hate counting. Back in the day when I worked at a big box retail, I used to loathe inventory nights and hide in the walk in freezer for four hours. I got banished from a street fair when someone asked me to guess the number of jellybeans in a jar and I socked them in the face. When I couldn’t fall asleep, I would imagine sheep simply being sheared of their wool. Watching Sesame Street, I would throw my Gerbers at the TV when that idiotic Euro The Count came on.

That being said, it should be no surprise that there’s no way I’m doing the SG Summer Mission in 2008. It shouldn’t matter that if I was, last week would’ve been pretty stout. My wife’s family came breezing into town, which provided ample outdoor time, game time, and my beautiful wife’s birthday celebration to consume mass quantities of smoooooooooooth CLs, a couple Amstel Lights, and even a Shiner Bock. Good stuff, but counting it would be just wack. (76)

RELATED: Black Sheep- "Without a Doubt"

Suburban Silver Bullets

I judge wisely, as if nothin ever surprise me
Loungin, between two pillars of ivory...

If I was doing the ridiculous endeavor that was the Slushy Gutter Summer Mission, last week would have been mad trill. Using that word makes me feel like a big man too. The annual suburban garage sale came in full force last weekend and with it the massive numbers of smoooooooooooooth CLs that are popping by 10am. Selling my 1995 Silver Tab jeans and old CD racks added to my joy. Former two time Slushy Gutter winner Mummy and your man The Commish put a hurting on the Silver Bullets, crushing some canned leftovers and a 20 pack supplied by Pops, until finally we had to call in the big dog, current Slushy Gutter winner JL Smooth who came loaded to bear with a five case replenishment. The fallout was the annual post-garage sale hangover, which was quelched a bit with some light and crisp Lumpy Dogs at the nearby Rock Bottom brewery.

If it was last year, I’d be getting hugs from the honies, pounds from the ruffnecks from the week’s consumption. But being it 2008 and the SG Mission has been banished, it is just a stupid passing thought in the alcohol-hazed mind. (43)

RELATED: Artifacts- "C'mon Wit Da Git Down" ("My pockets are lumpy chump, my drunk style is trunky dunk...")

Summer Sell Out

A new type of scene
To go platinum and clock mad green
AKA, a sellout, the rap definition
Get off that boy, change your mission...

For the past two summers, these pages have included more than just random babbling about Colorado sports and Hip Hop, but readers have been subjected to sophomoric challenges in beer drinking.

2006 started it off proper like, with the Commish going solo in an attempt to drink 528 beers from Memorial Day to Labor Day. Took a test to become an MC and didn’t fail: the number was reached with days to spare and son actually had to slow down as to not reach it too early.

2007 saw the Commish invite along some crew and ante up the booty to 5,280 beers. It looked a bit hairy for awhile, but after some rather unearthly consumption, we reached the number with a few cases to spare.

Now in 2008, a week into the time slot, and the Mission is on hiatus. I mean, what are we talking about here? Counting beers? Not the game I live and die for, but counting beers? I mean how silly is that? Counting beers? It is rather annoying to sift through the memory banks each Monday, trying to remember your imbibing steps of the previous weekend. How lame is writing with a Sharpie the #18 on a keg cup after a particular night of boozing (I be that.) Rolling home with four bottle caps in your pocket to help your count. A tally sheet. Emails to your crew asking for “counts.” All rather cumbersome and a bit of a pain in the ass.

Where would I even go in 08? Equal the 06 of 528? Beat last Summer’s mark of 550? 600?

I mean, in a “normal” Summer, I would spout about the beers from last weekend; the five at the Rockies game, the ice cold Michelob Ultra after the BB08, the four I downed at the Pumphouse in downtown Longmont, the random smoooooooooooooth CLs. Just freaking wack. Yeah, I’m a freaking sellout, abandoning the very premise why this ish started in the first place. The Summer Mission can suck it…here’s to a Summer without dealing with arithmetic. (16)