Friday, February 26, 2010

Golden Silver Bullet

Take it as a warnin cause I'm hopin that you don't diss
But get a load of this, it's at your own risk...
Hockey doesn't get much play here at the SG, and women's hockey gets absolutely no shine...until now. The Canadian Women's Hockey squad beat their US counterparts in the Olympic Gold Medal game last night (gee, Canada and USA in the Gold Medal Game? Next thing you'll tell me is that UConn and Tennessee will play in the NCAA Women's Final) with the Canadians taking the gold.
The focus of the win quickly went from the actual victory to the Canadians post-game celebration, when they went back on the ice with beers, champagne, and cigars and proceeded to ham it up for a bit. Look close at the pictures. The beers they are drinking? None other than Colorado's own smooooooooooth Coors Light. Take that LaBatts, you overbrewed heavy piss-water. (For some reason when I was 9 or 10 years old, I rocked a Moosehead t-shirt. My Dad gave it to me and I wore it to school all the damn time. Think that would ever fly nowadays? Go Pops!) There's a damn good chance those Canuck gals are swilling some Rocky Mountain Goodness brewed by a SG Alum. Take that and your inability to pronounce the letter "u" correctly back to Alberta!
On a side note: chicks playing hockey, drinking Coors Light? 1997 Commish and crew say dial us up ladies. Ow! Secondly, the champagne consumption has every major rap video producer looking to cast them in an upcoming project.
As a proud American, I'm bummed that the US lost. As a proud Slushy Gutter Crew member, I have my own private redemption.
RELATED: LL Cool J - "Pink Cookies" - ("...and I will appear my dear with a beer")

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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

No No Knowshon?

I wasn't living rich and I also wasn't poor
I try to appreciate but I deserve more...

Over the past few days two All-Pro level running backs, LaDainian Tomlinson and Bryant Westbrook have been released and are now on the open market. Are the buzz cut ears of Dove Valley interested in either?
LT would be an intriguing addition to the Donks, mainly because he has been the villian in Charger Powder Blue for so many years. If the Broncos were interested you'd have to think that they would be LT's top choice so he can stick it to the Chargers. These damn superstars and their damn egos usually supercede all other contract stipulations. Yet, LT to Denver has Tony Dorsett 2.0 written all over it.
Westbrook would be the ultimate weapon in McHoody's system. A versatile running back who can immediatley contribute to the short passing game. And what goes better with the term "short passing game" than Kyle Orton? Espeically with the prospect of Brandon Marshall being jettisioned, that mid range passing looks even more important (read: the Donks won't be stretching the field.) Could adding Westbrook help grease the dreaming wheel that is Donovan McNabb in the orange and blue? Westbrook's wrench is that you'd be getting the bruised and battered player of today, not the same player that ruled in Fantasy Football for the middle of the decade. And with his concussion history, it might not even be a plausible option.
However, the biggest reason that neither will be joining Mini Belichick's squad is the current Donk RB, Knowshon Moreno. Not because he is firmly entrenched at the position, but because the Donk brain trust spent a top-15 pick on him last year. Less than a year out, that pick is looking more and more sketchy with his lackluster pass routes, limited blocking (see Knowshon on passing downs much?), and diminishing yards as the season wore on.
It's been said that McDaniels looks at all options to improve the football team and get the best players on the field. But is is he ready to admit his first draft pick isn't one of those best players less than a year afterwards?
RELATED: Jemini The Gifted One - "Funk Soul Sensation" - (..."cater to the ego")


Monday, February 22, 2010

Boston Baked Scene

My uzi still weighs a ton check the barometer
I'm hotter than the muthafuckin sun check the thermometer...

The Commish went live and direct to the Pepsi Center yesterday afternoon for the Nuggets' win over the Celtics. A few thoughts and observations:
-Quickly saddled with two fouls, K-Mart was on the bench and replaced with Birdman, who quickly changed the game. The big 20 point lead can be attributed to Bird, who somehow changed the Celtics thinking about going into the paint. Kevin Garnett seemed hesitant to challenge Birdman, settling for jumpers.
-I know it's not cool, and the guy almost died, and he's kind of reinvented himself, but when I heard Paul Pierce get called the "human pin cushion" it made me chuckle.
-Exhibit A for players grasping for one last contract, one last shot at glory, and just going with the motions in the regular season is one Rasheed Wallace. He looks grossly out of shape and won't even come within three feet of the key, relying on wing jumpers. And he still has gum in his hair.
-Rocky the mascot continues to do his thing (best mascot in sports IMO) with the backwards half court shots (he made it and it was ESPN's top play. Yes, a costumed mountain lion beat out college hoops, the NBA, Bode Miller, and the US hockey team. What a country.) The Nuggets continue to play Snap's "The Power" during the shots. I've always been a fan of the "other" less popular version of the song by Chill Rob G. Yes, there wewre two songs with the same beat and same chorus by two totally different artists at the same time; the early 90's Hip Hop scene was strange (high top fades and tie top hats nonewithstanding.) Plus Snap's version still contains one of the top five wackest lyrics of alltime: "Or I will attack, and you don't want that." Lyrical genius there.
-Boston fans repped pretty well, lots of Garnett, Bird, and green gear. And of course many of the Boston fans felt the need to wear Red Sox gear. Are you going to the Pepsi Center or to Fenway Park? Wearing your David Ortiz jersey and hat to a NBA game? Are you going to wear your Larry Bird jersey to Coors Field this summer? Yes, you probably will.
-Ty Lawson might be hitting the dreaded rookie wall, as he played sort of Robert Pack-ish out of control most of the game. To his credit he atoned for his aloof play by hustling his ass off and raising his level to that of "pest" and forcing the Celtics into turnovers and out of position scrambling.
RELATED: Ed OG and the Bulldogs - "I Got To Have It"


Friday, February 19, 2010

Cleveland Socked

Make me act loco, they switchin up my vocal
Out to catch you so-called MC's with a roll call...

Who needs to bring anyone in at the trade deadline? After last night's dramatic Nugs' win over the league-best Cavs, apparently the Nuggets believe their "stand pat" philosophy can maybe get it done.

When you have your best player commanding the game like Carmelo did last night and the other players feeding into him and his play, the Nuggets look like a top contender. Notice Nene's and Birdman's positioning while Melo did work? Perfect to say the least. They were in the right sports, spacing was textbook. Kenyon was the same, as he also took the cue from Melo and seemed to know just the right time to employ his one handed seven to nine fot jumper.

Even Chauncey knew damn well to give Melo the ball at the end of OT and just stand back. That shot was money, check the arc and fall back Melo had on the replay. There's no way LeBron was going to check that shot. Ball game.

Even Melo's defense caught on, as Aron Affalo d'ed up hard on LeBron's 25 footer (apparently LeBron's Nike's aren't the court grippers as Nike makes them out to be, witness his slipping on the play. Or maybe the ice from Cleveland's permafrost was seeping through.) and forced him to take a funky off balance shot.

The Powder Blue (or alternate Navy Blue) Patrol can ride the proverbial coat tails of Melo, the stretch run could be damn nice. And that was Melo mildly offering dap to teammates after the game, while LeBron beelined to the locker room without nary a acknowledgmen of his opponent or teammates. Maybe he needs to feed off Melo too.

RELATED: Brand Nubian - "Don't Let It Go To Your Head" - ("got the urge to splurge, he came from Cleveland, all the way from Ohio")


Thursday, February 18, 2010

White Stuff for Nugs

Listen cause for your mind I got the right nutrition
We keeps it hard like fat asses and cases of Heineken...

The SG has learned from various sources (Victor the drunk outside the local watering hole at 8am) that the Nuggets have pulled off a trade deadline deal to shore up their interior. According to Victor (who also informed us the bartender had "stellar huge hooters") the Nuggets have acquired a player who can soar over 20 feet in the air, comes loaded with championship hardware, employs a mind boggling amount of moves and manuevers, and has a mean competitive streak.
Shaun White is now a Denver Nugget.
The sometimes Colorado-resident will bring his flowing red mane to the Pepsi Center where he will undoubtedly resemble Salami from "The White Shadow" when donning the Nugs' jersey.
The trade was easy to pull off, as US Snowboarding chief Bill Marolt, a former CU Athletic Director, gave the Nugs a "home town" discount. Marolt encouraged the Nuggets to offer up returnables that the snowboarders would enjoy. Besides the fact the team is named the "Nugs", the association got some bootleg Warren Miller DVDs, a couple of busted Thule racks, a Graffix gift card, and some Element hoodies.
RELATED: Naughty By Nature - "Feel Me Flow"


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

But We're Not The Beetles

I love my young nation, groovy sensation
No time for hibernation, only elation

If you have had the chance to visit the mountains lately, you may have noticed the landscape a bit different than the days of your youth or the picturesque post cards you used to get from Uncle Harold. No, they still let those skanks ski in their swimsuits, so don't be alarmed. It's the trees, stupid. They are being reduced to no more than giant toothpicks shooting from the ground, dead and gone. The culprit? Beetles, pine beetles to be exact.
Acres and acres of trees have been decimated by the tiny insects and there hasn't been much to check the little buggers push through the forest. But now, some braniacs have floated the possibility that blaring sounds of the beetles own noises might actually drive the beetles nutso. I tried that with Kid and Play once, but it didn't work.
The SG has some suggestions from the CO sports realm which also could be played to the beetles that might halt their feeding frenzy:
-Play Dan Hawkins trying to justify why the beetles are eating the trees. Dan would turn the whole thing into the beetles are actually "good kids" and that they can't be faulted because when the beetles got to the forest the whole thing "was burned to the ground."
-The crowd noise from a Avs' home game. The emptiness would be so horrifying, leaving the beetles feeling lonely.
-Jay Cutler's new CD: Passing With Jay. The beetles will fly directly into the mouths of predators rather than to new trees.
-Have JR Smith bring up any recorded sound to play for the beetles. That will accomplish nothing, but JR's "body language" and demeanor will rub off on the beetles. Ultimately, Coach Karl will suspend the beetles.
-Whatever noise Josh McDaniels was making after the Donks beat the Pats and he was wigging out on the sideline. The beetles will get super confident, but subsequently under perform in the months that follow.
RELATED: Big Daddy Kane - "Aint No Half Steppin" - ("Competition, I just devour")

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Friday, February 12, 2010

How To Rob

Witness all around me, true, but I'm no island Peninsula maybe, makes no sense I know, crazy
Dan Hawkins hired Robert Prince as the WRs coach up in Boulder this past week. Good thing Dan got around to filling that vacancy nearly three months after it became vacant. I mean who would need an extra assitant to help with recruiting, since recruiting went so well and all.
Prince's resume boasts a whole lot of stops over the last few years, which should help him when Hawk and most of the staff are fired two days after Thanksgiving this year. Prince arguably has the most talented group of wideouts in quite some time in Boulder, but he is greeted on his first day with a couple forms to fill out, a tour of the offices, where they keep the creamer for the coffee, and oh yeah, your top WR has been suspended by the coach! Here's your office, enjoy your time in Boulder, Rob.
(Props to the BDC commenter who worked in the Prince from Dave Chappelle show reference into his post. Now I will always imagine our new coach in a purple blouse while he coaches. Would you guys like some grapes?)
RELATED: Nas - "Nas Is Like"


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

California Dreaming?

Check it check it check it check it microphone check it
Yeah you went wild, cause your moms digs my records...
Every few years, the chatter about CU joining the PAC 10 conference creeps up and it usually is just unfounded rumors or the interent message boards just getting a little off-season silly.
That was until this week, when some signs started appearing that the conference would look to expand with the end of their current TV contract. Of course, the Peoples Republic of Boulder and the University located there are smack dab in the crosshairs.
There are a slew of reasons to leave the Big 12 and join the sun soaked Pac 10. Culturally, academically, and attitude wise we fit with them. The Big 12 is becoming SWC-ish and Boulder and CU are increasingly becoming the outpost ski school within the conference. But the main reason that CU should jump if the Pac 10 comes calling?

Me. Commish CH demands it!

This last year I found myself in Manhattan Kansas before a CU-KState game. I was tailgating among the RVs. Lots of RVs. Like a damn RV showroom. The land was flat (besides a few silos), there was a annoying chill in the air, a gloomy cloud cover, a police man had berated us for carrying a case of beer, and the stadium was nothing more than a drab concrete slab. After the game (another loss) we ate at a nearby Old Chicago and I once again dreaded the long ride home through Kansas and Eastern Colorado.
This is common theme each year in the SG Crew's autumn. I've been through Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, and the Mid West hinterlands so many times that I've thought about installing a CB radio.
In Ames, Iowa I dodged tornadoes in the stadium parking lot. Stillwater, Oklahoma saw us take permanent residence at Eskimo Joe's (although we ate at Bennigan's too.) Lubbock, Texas saw a couple SG alums have a bed full of bed bugs. Lawrence, Kansas is a nice place, but we've exhausted nearly every viable place in the town. College Station, Texas might have the nicest people in the entire conference and cheap hooch, but it could be the ugliest place in the country. Waco, Texas would make the town from Footloose look like party central. I won't even mention Lincoln, but there's a reason so many Nebraskans live in Colorado.
I'm ready for the sun in LA, strolls along the boardwalk, the roar of the ocean. The green of Seattle, the Space Needle, the fish market, the water on the stadium's edge beckons. The campuses of Eugene and Berkely match up perfectly with what we're used to in Boulder. The desert of Arizona might provide a welcome respite from the Colorado late fall. Don't know much about Corvallis or Pullman, but could it be any worse than the "club" in an old supermarket in Lawrence?
I'd miss the road trips (although as I get older, hopping on a plane is getting a bit more convenient than nine hours of gray nothingness) and I would really miss hating on the Huskers. But it's time to embrace LA's traffic, outdoor cafes in Washington, and Tempe's Mill street over the tater tot casserole I ate in Stillwater.
RELATED: Breeze - "LA Posse"


Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Sharpe Stick In The Eye

You're minor, we're major
you all up in the game and don't deserve to be a player...
The Donk Franchise got a small amount of redemption this weekend when Floyd Little got his pass in the Hall of Fame. Yet, Shannon Sharpe was left out for the second consecutive year.
Russ Grimm: great player, but did opposition defenses game plan against him? Was Rickey Jackson a linebacker that struck fear in the mind of coaches? And Jerry Rice? 1995 called and wants their earrings back.
If Sharpe had played for the Giants the media would be having a collective circle jerk and he would already be ahead of Kellen Winslow and Ozzie Newsome as the greatest tight end of the era. Hmmm. Just realized I used 'circle jerk' and 'tight end' in the same sentence. Someone searching for some hard core porn and gets directed here might be disappointed.
He'll get in, maybe as soon as 2011. There will be a bust carved of him that looks more like the carving that lady did of Lionel Richie in the "Hello" video. He'll get his Century 21 jacket and his autograph fee will go up 200 percent.
Yet, most of us Bronco fans have just accepted this: there is an East Coast bias, the late 90s Broncos don't get enough credit as a NFL power of the last 40 years, and Sharpe is a victim of the Mountain Standard Time Zone.
RELATED: Special Ed - "Think About It"


Thursday, February 04, 2010

Buffs Rocked Chalked

Ways of rhyming, old and new, past and present
Knock, knock, who is it?

The Slushy Gutter Crew fanned out last night, with three time Slushy Gutter Winner JL Smooth and four time Slushy Gutter Winner TDub taking in the Buffs' OT loss to top ranked Kansas and two time Slushy Gutter Winner Commish CH taking in the Nugs' lopsided loss to the Suns. The following text chain took place over the night:
JL: 10 minutes in down by 16
JL: Got it down to 6
CH: Aldrich is solid
JL: Tied up. Nice
JL: Overtime
CH: Anyone in foul trouble/out?
JL: No
CH: Played hard, Bz gets props
CH: We had ball with 37 seconds tied- bad shot, bad play?
TW: Brought it down court called TO with 10 seconds and Higgins ends ups missing a loooong 3.......dumb
JL: Horrible shot. Called a to with 10 seconds then Higgins puts up a 28 footer
CH: What happenned between 37 and 10? Just dribbling at top of three line?
TW: They were damn close to getting a halfcourt violation
CH: CU hoops loses, nuggets down big, recruiting sucks, bisnow flames out- shit somewhere Elways probably getting whipped with a moldy dildo too.
TW: How does a dildo get moldy
CH: Left in a dark moist place too long---like your butthole
TW: Is that what that was
RELATED: 3rd Bass - "Pop Goes the Weasel" - ("For kids in Kansas...")

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Wednesday, February 03, 2010

American Buff Idol?

I swing it hardcore like an orangutan
I bring it wicked, and freak the funk slang...

As the Colorado football program slowly heads to its nadir of the last 30 years, last night saw a member of the squad incredibly flame out at the hands of Randy, Simon, Kara, and guest judge Victoria Beckham. On a side note, WTF happenned to Posh Spice? She used to be a nice dime piece, now she is the female Skeletor.
The Idol team was in Our Fair Town this past summer and the episode aired with a good number of contestants getting through. One highlighted was CU backup long snapper Austin Bisnow, who went by the more media savvy Austin Paul on the show.
Backup long snapper? Yes, we have a backup long snapper. He's not a tight end or 4th string linebacker who also snaps in emergencies, he's just the backup long snapper. My friend Kid Ci$co used to say the only job in football he'd want is to be the other guy on kickoffs who tells the guy who catches the ball to stay in the endzone, but I'd have to think backup long snapper would be right there too.
(In their feature about Austin, they showed him at Folsom snapping the ball. If you watch carefully, he executes a nice snap, a great hold is placed by the holder and then the kicker promptly shanks the kick worse than Mike Vanderjagt in the playoffs. Fitting.)
Austin went before the panel and belted out some non-descrpit tune and was promptly bombarded by the judges. If that sounds familiar, it is kind of like Austin's coach getting bombarded by media, fans, and alumni. You want accountability in Boulder for Coach Hawk? Fire Mike Bohn and bring in Simon as AD.
RELATED: Pharoahe Monch - "Simon Says"


Tuesday, February 02, 2010

King Sized

We come correct
Styles upon styles upon styles earn mad respect...

Completely random, useless, and arbitrary thoughts from last night's Nuggets' OT win versus the Sacramento Kings:
-Outfit the Kings in some black leather coats, a couple knit hats, a pack of smokes, and a couple tiny cars and they look like an Eastern European criminal outfit that Matt Damon is chasing after in a couple tiny cars in downtown Vienna.
-Altitude kept promoting the Avs-Blue Jackets game tonight. I know 'Blue Jackets' probably has some historical significance in the hockey hotbed that is Columbus, but everytime I hear it I think of some mutant giant blue bee or a Crips set slapping the puck around.
-When the Nuggets huddled before the last possession did Coach Karl really say: "OK, listen, throw the ball into Chauncey, then you just dribble the ball at the three-point line until 2 seconds are left. The rest of you guys just stand there. Then Chauncey you shoot over the guy from the three point line. They'll never know what hit em!"
-Something is telling me that Melo may have more than just a sprained ankle.
-No matter how many times I see him, the Denver Elvis cop always makes me chuckle.
-The Nuggets seem to play more Monday games than any team in the NBA, and they always seem to be against the dregs of the league. If the rest of us are groggy, hungover, not on our game, or tired on Mondays, imagine how the team feels. Plus, they can't watch the freaks on A&E's Intervention or Hoarders every Monday.
-Paul Westphal coaches the Kings and I didn't know this until Chris Marlowe mentioned it. The NBA is literally amazing in their ability to recycle old coaches over and over and over. Dick Motta or Bill Fitch weren't available?
RELATED: Chino XL - "No Complex" - ("Getting the people hyped like Monday Night at the Improv ")