Monday, August 31, 2009

Passing Them By

The bullshit I write is the ultimate
Not the counterfeit, but the legit shit...
There's not enough space on blogspot to list all the ails the Donks after last night's game with Jay Culter and the Bears, so lets just randomly pick one problem area: the pass defense.
Quick name the Bears' starters at wideout? Tick tock. If you said Willie Gault or that drea lock guy, you are half correct. You have some dude named Earl Bennet and a converted defensive back in Devin Hester. Should be easy pickings for the defensive coaches, yet Cutler still picked up a stealth 144 yards, cutting up the Denver defense.
How Greg Olsen can make the catches he did is beyond even a Coors Light laden mind like myself. Everyone knows that Olsen and Cutler are the new Romo-Witten of the NFL yet they still made the connections. Knock Olsen on his ass and double him if you have to with a safety.
The scary thing is Cutler made his passes look easy and avoided a frenzied pass rush early in the game. What is horrifying is that we face better and more mobile QBs throughout the year. Week one sees Carson Palmer; two matchups with Phillip Rivers; Tom Brady; both Manning brothers; Donovan McNabb.
Champ Bailey still has it and can lock up a WR, but by the end of the gauntlet he may be looknig slower. Who doesn't love Brian Dawkins' fire, but there's probably a reason Philly let him go. Any injury back there and thing's could get even murkier in what is shaping up to be an already ugly season.
RELATED: Redman - "Rockafella" - ("Are there any more imitators in the house? There are no. Bust like NBA Jams, and you can have Chicago.")


Thursday, August 27, 2009

Do You Speak Ingle?

My thoughts must be relaxed
Be able to maintain
Cause times is changed and life is strange...

Ingle Martin is:

a- Blaine's swarmy buddy from "Pretty In Pink".

b- A bottle of Sonoma bottled Chardonnay.

c- A part of Los Angeles that 90's gangsta rappers hollered in their rhymes

d- A law firm that can get you the money you deserve if you've been invloved in an accident that wasn't your fault and they aren't afraid of the insurance companies!

e- Your first team Denver Bronco QB if Kyle Orton goes down.

f- How your 4-year old son pronounces 'Uncle Martin', who's not really an uncle, just some dude you went to college with and always brings a six pack of Rolling Rock.

g- That expensive restaurant you took your prom date to and she still didn't put out.

h- Steve Martin's brother...his career never took off like say, Jim Belushi or Frank Stallone.

i- Some sort of device commonly found on a sea-faring vessel, to tighten the gunwale or wax the cleat or some shit like that.

If you answered 'e' you are correct! Ingle Martin is only one snap away from being the Donk's QB1!


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Spilly Says See Ya

You gotta wait it takes time
I don't write I build a rhyme
I draw plans draft the diagrams...

What "guy" do you hate? You know, like "softball guy", the infamous douchebag that everyone hates. There's "text guy", the dude who spends a conversation with you more transfixed by his Blackberry. This time of year there's "fantasy football guy" who annoys your entire league. A lot of you probably hate "blog guy" and I don't blame you one bit. There's a million "guys" that push people's buttons.

There's "morning DJ guy", the loud mouth jock who is all kitsch and fart jokes when your brain and body might prefer some somber organ music. And related to "morning DJ guy" is "overnight DJ guy" who also employs an over the top attitude from midnight to 5am in hopes it might get him noticed.

"Overnight guy" greets me on the majority of mornings when my alarm goes off in the pre-rooster hours. I'm not a buzzer or ringer guy on the alarm. I figured long ago that the best way to get your punk ass outta bed is to get some wack station with wack music to say "good morning, asshole."

This am "overnight guy" came on for a brief few seconds and I heard "maaaaaan, I thought they had it in the bottom of the 12th! Ha! Then the Giants came up in the 14th and oh no!" That's when I slammed snooze and stared at the ceiling. I had bailed on the Rockies game in the 13th and no clue about the outcome. However, now "overnight guy", right before playing Counting Crows, had informed me in my doldrums of sleep that the Purp had suffered a bad L.

"Shit" I actually blurted out. The dog stirred, the wife rolled over. I hoped the peacefully sleeping baby down the hall hadn't heard. (Don't know if daycare would be too keen on her first word being "shit".)

"Overnight guy" had ruined my day and it had barely started. Fucking guy. Not only a loss, but a taxed bullpen, a reenergized Giants team, and a long night as the Dodgers were already in our fair town. I hate "overnight guy."

A funny thing happenned as I stepped onto to the driveway to grab the morning paper (yes, I'm old school, I still get a paper each day.) A double take. A triple take. 6-4 final: the good guys won. Huh? I scan the sports section and FSN's Double Play for the quick rundown. Walks, guys whith steak-knife-slashed hands trying to bat, little used utility men batting, pitchers getting walked, pitchers I didn't even know were on the team, Spillbouroughs running around the diamond like a maniac, Drew Goodman pratically creaming his shorts.

My morning from sorrow to a smile on my face in a matter of minutes. So, "overnight guy"... you can suck it.

RELATED: Black Moon - "Who Got the Props" - ("When I break on fools, wake up, you don't snooze")


Sunday, August 23, 2009

Left Hand Handiwork

A rhythm recipe that you'll savor
Doesn't matter if you're minor or major

Are you a carpenter? Go into work tomorrow and try to build whatever with your off hand? A doctor? Use your left hand to work the tounge depressor and you'll likely get quite the gag reflex. Work on a calculator? Use your lefty and you'll have some crazy figures for your clients.

Or maybe you're a quarterback. You wouldn't dare throw a pass with your left hand...would you?

Apparently if you're a QB in Denver, left handed passes are OK. And each time they end with horrible results, as Kyle Orton demonstrated in the Donks' preseason loss.

Outside of the left handed gaffe, Orton had a decent night. But the left handed ineptitude is what we will remember, as it was a turnover deep in the red zone (again) and after that pick Orton took a nose dive and completed only one more pass.

Put your head down and get into the endzone, throw it into traffic and hope someone gets it, drop kick it through the uprights. Just don't look like some shithead improvising in a 10 year old flag football game.

Get ready Donk fans, the Orton Era is just beginning. Next week he'll line up behind the guard.

RELATED: Cypress Hill - "Hand on the Pump" - ("Sawed off shotgun, hand on the pump, left hand on a forty")


Saturday, August 22, 2009

Sound Off



Thursday, August 20, 2009

Hello, Hawk?

Now pardon me for just changing the issue
But all you sucker MC’s, it’s a must that I diss you...
The Buffs and Coach Hawk were preparing to scrimmage out of the public eye today at Regis High School. Get the team on the bus, away from campus, away from the pesky fans who might try to catch a glimpse of their team. Because they are marketed as Your Team.

Insert a Corso-esque "not so fast my friend" to that idea. The CU compliance office "advised" Hawk that wouldn't be such a good idea and now the scrimmage is back in Boulder.

Now, I don't like to toot my own horn (who hasn't tried, but you'd have to remove a rib or something) but I knew the scrimmage at Regis wouldn't be kosher in the eyes of the almighty NCAA as soon as I read the plan. Wyoming tried to do it at a Casper high school years back and the same thing happenned. If the NCAA allowed college teams to hold events at local high schools, it would just snowball until it became an all-out recruting event. Imagine Texas holding a practice at one of the Texas talent-rich high schools that have 10-15 blue chippers. Some stud QB is plying his wares in Ohio? What would stop the Buckeyes from holding a Ohio State all-out-press on the kid at his high school and bill it as a "scrimmage."

The thing is, if some low level booster who has some lame blog read by thousands hundreds a handful of people knew that it was not cool, why didn't one person in the Athletic Department, football staff, coaching staff, hell the dude who mows the grass- not know this rule?
Oooops! Makes us who bleed Black and Gold wonder what else they don't know.
RELATED: Flavor Unit MCs - "Roll Wit The Flavor" - ("We gotta practice so scalp the hairs off your chinny-chin-chin")


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Marshall's Law

With the diabolical sound coming thru your speaker...

Try this at your place of employment: Have your least productive quarter ever, a significant dropoff from you previous work. Afterwards, complain to one of your new bosses. Get into trouble outside of work, and everyone in your business knows about your trouble. That shines real well on your organization/company. When your boss strongly suggests you attend "optional" meetings, just don't show up. Complain about the way the organization treats and pays you; not just internally, but to everyone for public consumption. Your boss gives you some time off for a public trial for domestic violence. He tells you to take as much time as you need and toes the line when commenting on your absence as a "personal matter." When you are acquited of the charges, take your time getting back to work. Then, get all pissy with your employer when the privately tell your co-workers to not "gloat" over your acquital. Not because they aren't pulling for you, but because domestic violence is a touchy issue. When you do finally saunter back to work, send in your goons to ask your bosses for a raise.

Employee of the year right there, folks.
RELATED: Dilated Peoples - "Work The Angles" - ("Fury the jury's hung, from verdict and got no chance")


Saturday, August 15, 2009

Let's All Panic!

Bustin open the doors to the temple
Takin you to the dark side of your mental...

Random thoughts from the Donks'
first preseason game in San Francisco last night:

-Miscommunication with receivers, the sun was in his eyes, the ball was tipped, there was too much pressure, his transmitter was playing polka music, his beard was itchy- whatever, Kyle Orton still threw three INTs in just a half of football. That is hard to sugar coat, and to put it bluntly, Orton looked like dog shit out there. He can hit the mid range passes alright, but his longer throws look more like a wet noodle. And don't prop up Chris Simms as possibly jumping into the QB race, as he did all his damage versus Niner free agents and sushi concession workers. This could be the most dire Donk QB situation since the early 80s.

-The WRs looked alright given the circumstances with the dunces behind center. So it begs the question about Brandon "Not Gulity" Marshall- trade him? Could the team perhaps bring in a new QB for Marshall? Do any of the willing trade partners have a backup QB that might step in in Denver (Kellen Clemens?)

-The OL and running game look to be the strength of the team. Peyton Hillis ran well, as did Knowshon Moreno in his limited time. Is there anything that says they can't pound the rock 40 + times a game with the two of them?

-I know retro is cool, but the Niners need a complete makeover. Uniforms and stadium I'm talking. Joe Montana ain't walking through that door and into those brown pants. The last time I saw that color a SG Winner was puking it up. And take a wrecking ball to Candlestick and build some Jerry Jones mega-field in San Jose or something.

-Elvis Dummervil: A hunka hunka burning linebacker.

-We all know that Mike Singletary is crazy. But dude looks controlled crazy. Like that guy at your work who is creepy weird and you won't be surprised to hear one day that he quit to go search for the Lochness Monster.

-RELATED: Masta Ace - "Jeep Ass N****" - ("I wonder if I blasted a little Elvis Presley")


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Linas in Greece

Scientific, my hand kissed it
Robotic let's think optimistic...

Almost expected, Nuggets' swingman Linas Kleiza is leaving the Nugs and the NBA and signing with Greek Euro power Olympiakos.
We will miss Linas around here at the SG. Not only for his outbursts that helped the Nugs to victory over the years, but mainly for the accent that he never had. We always wanted Linas to talk like Ivan Drago or some Commie bastard from an 1980's action film, but dammit, high school on the East Coast and college in Missouri runied that for everyone.
So here is Linas' goodbye letter to Denver, the way we want to hear it:
Dearest Denver Nugget Fan:

Today Linas weep. He leave beautiful city of Colorado. Many friend, many hot breasted woman, mountain, snow. Do not cry for Linas. Linas will crush foe in Greece. Linas will not wear silly blue stripe shirt and scarf looking like prancing gypsy. Linas will wear the testicle of fallen basketball player who try to stop Linas! Linas clean cut, hair look like stealth warrior. Greek player look like vagrant man feasting on pile of steamy Ox shit! New teammate Josh Childress. Von Wafer. New team win title with Linas. New team sculpt Greek statue of Linas. Not with small penis on sculpture. Big penis...have to bring more concrete for Linas penis!!! After Greece, all Europe. Real Madrid like a maggot on Linas finger. AC Milan like a twig that Linas break over knee! I miss Carmelo. Chauncey like Linas brother. Birdman...ahhh, Birdman...he in Linas heart. Rocky make Linas Gatorade out of nose. Linas miss Dippin Dot... warm pretzyl with gold mustard. Chimichanga, Chef Boy R Dee. Do not cry for Linas. Linas take over Greece! Linas take over Europe. Fear Linas Europe!!!


Monday, August 10, 2009

Blog is Buffaloed

I rocks hardcore even when I dress suited
On some business shit my street is deep rooted...

CU cornerback Ben Burney blessed the Black and Gold masses last week with his "blog" on the University Athletics website. Funny, revealing, well-written, insightful, and a bit on the edge, the initial entry was quite the hit in Buff Nation.

When I say edgy, Burney referenced his "libido", his flavor of the month gal peacefully sleeping, parties, and the regimented day of a CU football player heading to camp after a summer of fun. No big deal, it's college. We've all been there, done that.

However, when you play for a program that has unfairly dragged through the mud over the past five years, is based in a liberal-haven that is many times unfriendly of athletics, and you talk about it on a University site, people get nervous. Therefore, the Burney Blog is gonzo after one entry.
"I have been censored. They took parts out of my blog and they took it away from me," Burney said. "It was my idea and it saddens me. They didn't tell me why I got censored, they changed it and it was taken away from me." Burney told the media.
Ben, I've been doing this crap for three years and I'm just waiting for the day they take it away from me. In fact, they should've taken it away about 2 years, 11 months, 29 days ago. That said Ben, just sign up for a blogspot account and continue to tell your story.

RELATED: Heavy D f/ Big Daddy Kane, etc - "Don't Curse" - ("The smooth rap inventor that enter, parental discretion's not advised so there's no need to censor")


Friday, August 07, 2009

It's Alive! Broncomania Lives!

Won't see snakes on my feet
The race is on, but I won't compete
In this competition, because I have a greater mission
I hope that you listen...

For all the detractors, people who said they wouldn't renew their tickets, fans horrified by the events of the past six months, jackass QBs in the heartland, and those who have been throwing Orange dirt on Broncomania's grave- they sure as hell didn't want to see the sscene at Invesco last night.

Free to all was a simple practice under the Mile High lights and 13,000 people showed up.

I mean, what are we talking bout here? Practice?

The event wasn't really publicized other than a few mentions on the local airwaves- no ads, no print newspaper pieces, no drive time DJs blaring from the scene. And yet, the throngs showed up in the rain to see their beloved team.

Any doubt that the Donks are still top Equine in this state need to look to the stands last night and the scene of people tailgating, rocking Mecklenburg jersies, the kids with awed looks in their eyes. Take it from me, a diehard CU Buff fan, who year after year trudges to the free CU Spring Game that rarely, and I mean rarely, draws more than 10K. That's with advertising, giveaways, heck even Kordell Stewart givnig backrubs. Nuggets scrimmages would be hard pressed to draw over 1000, and the Rockies and Avs could have freebie nights and be outdrawn by a bikini softball game.

Haters will point that the attendees were those shut out from regular Bronco games, which translated means Larry and Edith from Thornton and not Ashley and Dane from Greenwood Village. Who cares? They cheer louder, they pound more suds, they can name the 3rd string tight end. Ashley is more concerned with texting her hairdresser.

Now, the flip side: boos, as in lots of them. No matter who was in teh stands didn't really like what was on the actual field. the play was sloppy, the QBs were average, and the team was out of sorts.

But hey, cut em a break, because this isn't the game. Not the game I die for. I mean, what are we talking about here? Practice?

RELATED: Tha Alkholiks f/Diamond D - "The Next Level" - ("Sendin kids back to the lab for more practice, the only way they'd win, if we battled to see who's the wackest")


Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Schedule Quirks

Hey Peter, Peter, you fat pumpkin eater
You know I kicks flavor just like Velveeta...

A few initial impressions of the just released 2009-2010 Denver Nuggets schedule:

-Prime time players. After the run to the WC Finals, the networks are all over the Nuggets' collective powder blue jocks with 22 national games. Compare this to a few years back when there would be no national games for the entire year. Somewhere, Kenny Satterfield is upset he missed his big day on TV.

-Back to back right off. The first two games out of the chute should give us a small peak at where the team is versus the two most formidable division foes. Opening night at The Can versus the Jazz and the next night at Portland. Even a few months out, I can already see the Blazers being the trendy pick.

-Red Bull required. With the networks discovery of a team that plays here in Colorado, inevitably will come the 2nd half of the double headers and 8:30 tips. Does Marv Alberts' wig stay on that late? Don't they have to flip off Hubie Brown's power at 10pm?

-Streaking. Just three games into the year the team embarks on their longest road trip of the year, a six game jaunt through most of the Eastern Conference. That trip worries me, as a trip of that length in February or March, when many teams are injury-riddled or simply playing out the season, is much more digestable. In November, everyone is fresh and has post-season aspirations. The team also has two other four-game trips and one five-game trip, yet their longest homestand is just four games. Who spammed the NBA schedulers email? Was that you Rex Chapman?

-Cuban Links. The Nugs make their only trip back to Dallas on March 29, when many of the hard feelings between the two teams and Mark Cuban and K-Mart will have long simmered.

-Ho ho ho. When I think of great Christmas cheer and memories, I always think of the tradition-riddled game on Christmas night between the Nuggets and Blazers. This game could have all the makings of the last trip in 09 to Portland, when the Nugs were thrashed.

-Really? Holy crap, is it really going to be 2010 soon? I always thought that cyborgs and giant alien caterpillars would be playing basketball by now.

RELATED: Prime Minister Pete Nice & Daddy Rich- "Kick The Bobo" - ("I'm flipping you like Marv Albert on a slow-mo")


Monday, August 03, 2009

Em Tags That A*s

One of the highlights of my weekend was hearing Eminem's "The Warning" track in which he viciously attacks Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon in response to her "Obsessed" song that is on all the tiny bopper stations right now.

I almost drove off the road when I heard the joint, it is that scathing. Beat wise, this is nothing special (Flip the Biggie Verse "Mariah Carey is kind scary" from "Dreams" would've been cool)and lyrically he isn't invoking any early 2000 Em. But it certainly ratchets up the late summer fun.
KRS-One versus MC Shan this isn't. LL Cool J and Kool Moe Dee are blushing over this. UTFO and all the Roxannes are probably crying after hearing it.
Among the things we learned from Em on this song:
-He has pictures...naked ones. Black and white? Color ones?
-Nick Cannon is a homosexual.
-There was bodily fluids involved. Chalky ones.
-She is straight coo-coo. Certifiable. Three exits past the off ramp to insantity.
-She likes wine. And she is not a sommelier.
-Em knows the way around her house. In case any of you left your Jenga set there.
-Much much more fun for the whole family!