Friday, September 28, 2007

Viva la Visor!

When I come around homeboy, watch your nugget
A master on the beatdown, my style's rugged...

With Mike Gundy’s now-classic rant this past week and his counterpart to the south, Bob Stoops coming into Boulder, we are reminded of the mystery and glory of their favorite piece of headgear: the visor.

Some wayward cap factory ran out of cloth and those little button things for the top of caps, and said “fuck it, leave them like that.” Thus, we have the visor.

It says, "I’m down with a cap, but I need you to see the glory that is my hair.” Fabio would be proud to sport a visor.

Stoops is so cool that even when he wakes up with a bad case of bed head, he can’t just throw on a standard cap and rush out the door. Nope, the visor necessitates a glance in the mirror and a comb.

Oh, there are the contemporary ways to sport your visor. Perhaps you’d like to flip your visor completely backwards? Like sporting your fresh fitted New Era to the back, your visor that way says, “I’m down. And my hair looks damn cool.”

There’s the always fresh, visor backwards and upside down. It’s like your down times two. It also says, “check me out, if it rains, I can catch water to use to water my plants. That's right:
down, my hair rocks, and I’m green.”

The variations of visors is impressive. Popular with the over-70 set, there’s the headband with visor attached to it. Perfect for a rapid-fire game of tennis with the Mertz’s, a tall glass of lemonade on the patio, dinner at 4:00pm, and Jeopardy .

Don’t forget the always cool free-piece-of-plastic-to-strap-to-your-head-with-a-realtor/bank-name-on-it visor. Wait just 30 minutes and you’ll have a permanent scar on you temple from it, telling the world that you are visor-worthy.

Of course, the work world gives us a plethora of visors. Sometimes of the puffy variety, they protect us from the sun, fry grease, the bright sheen of cash registers, and the annoying lights of the banking world or casino world.

So celebrate with your Okie brothers this weekend all the greatness and glory that is the visor. Who needs all the annoying and cumbersome trappings of a cap? Let your head howl, your follicles frolic, your dandruff drop freely, your cabeza capitulate. They're good indoors, outdoors, during sports, during drinking, even during sex. Perfect for kids, seniors, and angry or ego-driven football coaches.


Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Not Quite Hard as Hell

Uncle L was recently captured spewing off about the state of the rap game in the 07, claiming he was ready to go after some cats. Specifically, he calls out one Jay-Z, telling him to “do his job” rather than dropping a verse (presumably on the “I Get Money (remix).” Like Emmitt Smith in an Arizona Cardinals uniform, Juilo Cesar Chavez boxing at Indian Reservations, and the 55 year old bar fly sitting at the end of a seedy bar, LL just doesn’t know when to hang it up.

Hating on LL? No way. The guy is a legend, a personality that transcends just the music. But this isn’t Kool Moe Dee or Ice-T in the late 80’s. It’s been nearly 10 years since he briefly resuscitated his career by taking on Canibus. (And yo, did LL really come out on top on that one? I’d say ‘Bus licked him good on “2nd Round Knockout.”) In Da House has been off the air for five years. And Rollerball? Should’ve been straight to DVD. Now Mr. Smith thinks he can bring it back by taking on Jigga?

Thorughout his over 20 year career, LL has boasted his “greatest of all time” status, but who really believes that? Do any Hip Hop historians have him in their top five? How about their top ten? Has LL ever even been at the top of the game at any point in his career, like many could argue Jay has been for/at some point over the last few years?

His debut in 86 there was Run DMC all over; his high point in 87/88 Rakim was already considered on point; by Walking With a Panther, LL was getting clowned as he was sporting dookie ropes and materialism as consciousness creeped into Hip Hop; when Marley rescued him "Jingling Baby" and Mama Said Knock You Out in 90/91, LL was rocking painted jeans and cheesy dance moves while Cube kicked street knowledge; 1993 LL was pimping the back seat of his Jeep while a host of east coast lyricists emerged; by 1995 when he was screaming “Hey Love” it was all BIG and Wu; and a brief resurgence in 98 with “4,3,2,1” didn’t measure too much over his peers.

LL, stick to your voice over work and your low budget movies. TJ Maxx is still selling some wayward FUBU gear. Royalty checks are keeping you paid, your lips licked, and your pant leg rolled up. As you once pined on "Eat Em Up L": chiiiiiiiiiiillllllll.


Monday, September 24, 2007

Ground Attack and Retreat

I remember how it all began
I used to sing dirty raps to my East Side fans
Back then I knew ya couldn't stop this rap
No M.C. could rock like that...

Monday morning Props and Drops from the weekend's Buff win over Miami (OH) and the Broncos loss to Jacksonville:

PROPS: The CU running game looked like Chris Brown, Eric Bienemy, and Whizzer White this weekend. The Buffs piled up 350+ yards on the ground. Freshmen Brian Lockridge showed some glimpses of the ground game’s future, blazing the field and Miami defenders en route to a long TD run. The RB “rotation” of Lockridge, Hugh Charles, Demetrius Sumler, and Byron Ellis seems set as they enter conference play.

DROPS: Mike Shanahan and the Denver offense had major communication issues in the 2nd half Sunday. All three of their time outs were gone by the 3rd quarter. All of them could’ve come in handy as the Donks tried to mount a late game comeback.

PROPS: Miami of Ohio beat Ball State earlier in the year. Ball State nearly beat the dreaded Huskers. David Letterman went to Ball State, that means Letterman whoops Nebraska's ass.

DROPS: Again to Mike Shanahan for failing to stick with a feature back. Although the Jags were stout versus the run, the Denver ground game was constantly switching the ball carriers. Travis Henry and his big money deal can’t get into a rhythm with 11 carries and then a switch to Cecil Sapp or Selvyn Young.

PROPS: CU youngsters made their mark on the game finally. Freshman o-linemen Ryan Miller and Kai Maiva both debuted and played well. Also debuting was tight end Nate Solder, all 6’ 8” of him. He scored his first touchdown of the year and saw extended playing time. If he can be worked into the game plan, he will create big matchup problems. Plus, he can rescue your cat from a tree.

DROPS: Former two-time Slushy Gutter winner TDub pointed out that Donk QB Jay Cutler has developed a “man crush” on WR Brandon Marshall. Upon closer inspection, Cutler does seem to look Marshall’s way on every drop back. Hey, Cutler, the guy on the other side, Javon Walker? Ever heard of him?

PROPS: The Bronco front office again showing utmost class in the ceremony for Terrell Davis entering the Ring of Fame. Former players lined the field for TD, and owner Pat Bowlen had a moving speech. A great highlight clip gave the sellout crowd goosebumps as TD again ran over the Packer defense. I took the ceremony as an opportunity to get in a short beer line.

DROPS: The Colorado administration for kicking LB Michael Sipili out of school for his role in a street fight this summer. Sipili was primed to earn the start this past week and had the rug pulled out from him less than 24 hours before the game’s kickoff. In his absence, former walkon Jeff Smart played tough.

…and Good Morning, Dan Hawkins. Oklahoma comes to town this week. You too, Shanny, enjoy your trip to Indy.

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Friday, September 21, 2007

New Wu

Made 'em throw they hands up, but then lay flat
Rat pack eat up, the average alley cat
Prepare for the impact when we contact
Known to drop backs that crack your hard hat...

For just a minute now these mean blog streets have been buzzing a bit about the new Wu-Tang track, “Watch Your Mouth.” For whatever reason, the SG Summer hadn’t really had a chance to peep the entire track or give it our undivided attention. Finally, yesterday I heard it in the rig on full blast on Sirius Radio. In a word: niiiiiiiiiiiice. I nearly pulled over my car and started hyperventilating (luckily, given the drunks friends I associate with, there are plenty of empty brown bags in my rig.) This track has it all from a stringy, nearly intoxicating, hard core beat and the entire Clan spitting eight strong verses. As with past Wu offerings, you won’t need a translator to figure some bars, including some great punchlines (Ghost: We like George Foreman out in the streets, we grillin' 'em, GZA: Put my Clan in Da Front, reunite 'em, Make 'em all R.S.V.P., if they want it, we don't invite 'em.)

Produced by DJ Scratch, it is a bit reminiscent of the early Wu, but almost set for the 2007 rap game, so heavy, almost serving as a big “fuck you” to the genre. With their new album, 8 Diagrams, coming out in a month and change, this track gives us hope for a true Wu renaissance.
(Note: the very next track on Sirius was “Pop, Lock, and Drop It” That’s almost like seeing Halle Berry’s tatas and then turning the channel and seeing Louise Jefferson in the nude. )

CHECK IT: Wu Tang Clan "Watch Your Mouth"


Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Hoops and Beer Don't Mix

And since kindegarten I acquired the knowledge
And after 12th grade I went straight to college…

It is a sad day here at Slushy Gutter Summer. The Colorado Athletic Department has announced that there will no longer be any beer served at Colorado basketball games. Please note, the teams play at the Coors Event Center.

The Commish is one of the few and proud basketball fans who attends most of the games. This means I’ve sat through Central Florida, Concordia, Regis, UNC-Wilmington, UC-Davis, TCU, Cal-Poly, Mercer, Dartmouth, Savannah State, ok…you get the picture. Beers come in handy when me and 1500 of my fellow fans are watching the product on the floor.

Reasons cited run the gamut of PC-worthy statements: no other Big 12 team serves the suds; we have to be responsible when the majority of students are underage; we’d like to stay in line with our football game policy; blah blah blah. And blah.

Big difference between football games and basketball games at Dear Ol’ CU. So the need to “stay in line” with football is moot.

“Dude, football game on Saturday. 5pm.”
“I’m gonna get fuckin trashed.”
“Yeah brah.”
“Dude, lets down some beers Friday after class. We can sit on the front yard/porch and suck down some cold ones”
“Fuck class, let’s get the beer bong flowing early! Like around noon!”
“Shit, fuck, I’ll drink like 10 beers in my water bottle during class, bitch!”
“Then we’ll go to kegger/bar/etc and just get fucked up.”
“Fuuuuuuuuuuccccckkedddd up, brah.”
“Oh yeah. Then we’ll get up early and start pounding for the game.”
“Dude, like Bloody Mary type stuff.”
“Mother. Fucker.”
“Just pound beers, like for breakfast. I’ll use beer instead of eggs!”
“Yeah partner, we’ll have a massive tailgate right fucking here. Invite everyone. Tell them all to bring beer. And chicks. Tons of chicks.”
“Walk over to the game at 4:45 with like 17 beers in our pockets.”
“Oh yeah brah. I’ll have a case in my backpack.”
“You’re tripping brah!”
“I’ll sneak in a flask of Jack by hiding it in my ass.”
“Dude, I’ll sneak in a quart of vodka by hollowing out my leg.”
“I’ll soak my hair in Everclear for like eight hours and we can just suck on it.”
“Man, you’re a freaking warrior!”
“After the game we’ll come back and just keep it moving. Like ten kegs.”
“Dude. And like 30 cases of Keystone.”
“Dude, we’ll have like 2000 beers on ice and invite every fucking hot chick in Boulder”
“No shit”
“Stuntin like my daddy!”

“Dude, there’s a basketball game tonight.”
“Are they playing Kansas?”
“Well fuck that then.”

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Monday, September 17, 2007

In Poland, the field goals are wider

Word, I'm here to crush all my peers
Rhymes of the month in The Source for twenty years...

Props and Drops from this weekend's football contests invoving the Buffaloes' loss to Florida State and Broncos' OT win versus the Raiders:

PROPS: The CU defense played rather well in the late night loss to the Seminoles. Granted, that ins’t Charlie Ward or Warrick Dunn out there for the ‘Noles, but they still have the playmakers the made it a top 5 staple for a decade plus. CU tackle George Hypolite was all over the field, and LB Jordan Dizon will have 6000 tackles if he keeps up the pace. The defense should be bolstered further this week when two suspended players, Michael Sipili and Chris Perri, return.

DROPS: The Bronco run defense was allowing more holes than OJ’s defense in Las Vegas. LaMont “Big Dummy” Jordan ran over, through, and around the Donk D to the tune of 150+ yards. The front four haven’t quite seemed to hit their stride, as new names keep popping up along there. And the LBs, other than Nate Webster, still seem to have trouble in the new Jim Bates scheme.

PROPS: Mike Shannahan used the ol’ “timeout to ice the kicker trick” to perfection in overtime. Must’ve given Sebastian Janikowski time to think about his time kicking concrete bags through decrepit oak trees back in old Poland or something, because the second kick was half a hot dog short of going through.

DROPS: The CU running game turned into the CU standing game as they never established any sort of ground attack versus the Noles. The return of RB Hugh Charles provided limited success, as he and the other backs were held to what most Pee Wee teams rush for versus the Arvada Mini Eagles. The five OL have played every snap this season and CU’s lack of depth may be catching up. Expect to see some forsh OL, mainly super recruit Ryan Miller, get some extended pt soon.

PROPS: Bronco receivers continue to make the key catches and are getting open. Javon Walker runs a slant better than anyone in the AFC by the looks of the quick strikes he’s been getting. Brandon Marshall, all 6-5 of him, is making the difficult catches and some surprising moves to get YAC. Brandon Stokley has done exactly what was expected: line up in the slot and make the 3rd down and big catches. TE Dan Graham, while not getting the big numbers, is a blocking machine, both for the RBs and WRS downfield.

DROPS: The kicking game, both at CU and for the Donks, has been less than spectacular. Jason Elam, while winning both games, has given fans reason to sweat on anything outside the 45 yard range. CU’s Kevin Eberhart has made Buff fans pine for the days of Mason Crosby, as other than the winner versus the Sheep, has really struggled to get the ball in the uprights. With both offenses struggling to get in the endzone, the kicking game becomes more important.

QUICK PROPS: CU student section for the “Blackout”…ex-CU players greeting the team in introductions…Bronco fans loud enough in the OT to cause some Raider confusion…Dre Bly might be able to match Champ’s INT total this season…Nate Webster is all over the place…Buff OL has allowed only a handful of sacks…young Buff WRs Josh Smith and Kendrick Celestine add the needed speed they need…Donk punter Todd Sauerbraun is booming the ball on punts and kickoffs.

QUICK DROPS: CU DBs continue to give up the long ball…Jay Cutler will wreck momentum with a bonehead pass…Broncos inability to put the Raiders away when up by two scores…CU looks like they have forgotten the TE is part of the passing game…CU trying to run end-arounds versus the Nole’s speedy defense….Shannahan not letting one back carry the load.

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Friday, September 14, 2007

Late Night at Folsom

Somebody told me that you owe me, but can't nobody hold me
I do my dirt all by my lonely...

Ten Things Bobby Bowden would rather be doing instead of coaching at Folsom Field tomorrow at 8pm MST (10pm EST):

  1. -Adjusting his Craftmatic bed into a comfortable “elevated leg” position
  2. -Polishing off an extra bowl of tapioca pudding when the wife isn’t looking

  3. -Totally “beating the bejeezus” out of Gladys and Stan from down the street in pinochle

  4. -Thinking about ways of attacking the next day's crossword puzzle

  5. -Seeing if his Clapper can keep up with his renditions of Glen Miller tunes

  6. -Dreaming about beating the crap out of “that windbag” Lee Corso

  7. -Seeing if Ben Matlock can defend that poor man who didn’t murder his wife

  8. -Countdown to Little Blue Miracle: T minus 10 minutes

  9. -“Hello, Steve Spurrier? This is the electric company, is your refrigerator running?”

  10. -Dreaming of a shirtless Burt Reynolds


Thursday, September 13, 2007

Hot Rocks

My composition leaves competition wishing
They could be in my postition cuz I did it wit no ass kissing
I'll be there like Michael Jackson and you don't stop
Until you get enuff and I'll be damn if my nose drop...

Is your favorite baseball team a team that in their last game:

Gets two men on with no outs in the top of the first, then promptly hits into a triple play?

-In the bottom of the first, lets the other team load the bases with no outs?

-Had their starting catcher ejected in the 2nd for arguing balls and strikes?

-Had their starter go only two innings?

And is your favorite baseball team a team that over the last few weeks:

Has been starting two rookies who were both in the minors this season, a mediocre starter who has bounced around the past few years, an “ace” (who on most teams would be a #3 guy and who looks like your paperboy), and as your fifth starter a collection of journeymen, callups, relievers, and hot dog vendors?

If you answered yes to the above, than your favorite team must be the Colorado Rockies. And if they’re your favorite team, they are only two games out of the NL Wildcard. Yes, the Colorado Rockies. The same one the usually equates September with fill-the-seats fireworks shows, scalpers at 20th and Blake unloading seats for a buck, and planning for their fishing trips. Those Colorado Rockies.

Not since the days of Dante’s flowing mullet has the CO region seen their local nine competing for a spot among baseball elite. After a strange 12-0 win over the Phillies, the Rox are right in the thick of the race. Patchwork, gritty starting pitching, Matt Holliday absolutely crushing the horsehide, and a bullpen that just gets it done has got the Rox to seven games above the breakeven line and bumped the Donks from the front pages. Somewhere, the 1995 “Wildcard Champion” banner is smiling.


Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Hype Men

I try to tell them, "We're all in this together!"
My album was raw because no-one would ever
think like I think and do what I do
I stole the show, and then I leave without a clue...

What is says about our country when the focus of today is not the six year mark of the 2001 terrorist attacks, but rather the release of two rap albums. Unless you live in a cave or Nebraska, Kanye West and 50 Cent both release their 3rd albums today. (Why is an artist’s second release always called their “sophomore release” but their third never called their “junior release”? Just food for thought.)

Quite frankly, this blogger (and I hate that term) could really give a crap about either album or this accompanying hype/marketing. I won’t be rushing to the record section today to pick up either. I won’t be giving my blow by blow review of either album. I won’t celebrate by letting Kanye’s ego apply for statehood or by popping champagne with shiny rims ala Fiddy.

Don’t peg me as a “hater” either. I seem to be one of the few real Hip Hop heads who actually thought 50’s The Massacre was a damn good album. “Guns Come Out” is one of those beats and songs that has just stuck with me. I also thought West’s Late Registration was a superb album. “Drive Slow” and “Crack Music” are another couple of those jams that fit my above descript.

Without having the new albums, I know what each will contain. Both albums will offer annoying pop-ready radio singles. 50 gives us Justin Timberlake, Robin Thicke, and Nicole Scherzinger. Kanye offers T-Pain and Chris Martin. Yawn. 50 gives us his sensitive thug side and his near daily diatribe about his money and material items. Kanye will continue to “grow” and “progress” musically and lyrically and he has the requisite Lil Wayne appearance. Yipee. Both will garner reviews that will crown Kanye as the don of this shit, and say how 50 is dropping the same content as when he first came out. Hooray. Both have hot summer singles, "I Get Money" and "Can't Tell Me Nothing." Great, it's September.

I’ll cop both CDs eventually, and I’ll probably like both of them. Shit, one or even both will probably end up on my year-end best list. I’m just not jocking this mass marketing corporate BS that comes with the albums like a bonus track or a shiny sticker for your skateboard. Call me old school, call me an over-the-hill blogger who pines for the old days when an album was just dropped and word-of-mouth spread, or call me a straight up douchebag. As Redman said, "I be that." I’m also taking my $25 and buying a 6 pack, a worn copy of a Fu-Schnickens CD, a box of Newports and Puma sweats.


Monday, September 10, 2007

Toro Toro Toro

Here it is, a world premiere
Crystal clear in your ear, so listen here
Yeah, it's somethin new but I ain't no new kid
So don't fool yourself with garbage that you did...

The Donks pulled a victory from the proverbial jaws of defeat yesterday. They bumped, stumbled, fumbled, and staggered their way through 58 minutes of football before almost completely and totally bumblef*cking it at the end with the clock.

Cue the winning FG and the near mob scene afterwards. If there was a disco ball and a DJ, it’d look like a club scene out there. Elam acted like he just scored the winning kick in the World Cup. Even Shanny was a bit giddy. On the surface, it’s week one and it may have been a bit over the top, but when you really think about it:

-They endured a tumultuous offseason with two teammate’s death
-The defense was a the focus of concern all preseason
-Jason Elam had already missed two field goals
-They crashed in their final game last year and missed the playoffs
-Their young QB had just lead an Elway-esque drive
-The Buffalo fans were going nuts
-It’s still a road game, it’s still the opener
-The chaotic 15 seconds prior to the winning kick
-1-0 is a lot prettier than 0-1

So forgive the Donks if they looked like they had just won their 3rd Super Bowl. It’s a long season, but an even longer offseason they just came off of. And hey, they play the Raiders this week, so what's expending a little extra energy in the celebration.

RELATED: Ice Cube "Wicked" ("...and I won't choke like the Buffalo Bills")


Thursday, September 06, 2007

5280: Real Recognize Real

Yo I walk in the place, kicks un-laced
with a bitter beer face, a forty? Nah. a whole case
with flows like these, we not your average MC's
we be the drunken masters of ceremonies…

Going into the final eight days of the Slushy Gutter Summer Mission, the Commish issued a edict to the other eight entries to get their numbers up so there would be no doubt on achieving the coveted 5280 beer mark.

The boys responded in a big way, as they went on a tear over the long weekend. Four of the nine (Jeez Steve, Trav, Commish, and Broz) all achieved their high mark of the entire 14 week Mission. Juck and TDub were just a few beers off their high; JBiz and Pickles had solid weeks, and Slick Rip notched his highest week since June.

Let’s take a look at how it all shaked down:

-JUCK- 915. Two time Slushy Gutter Winner…Drank 28 beers in one day while camping in June…drank 35 beers on the Saturday before Labor Day, vowing to “drink one for each CU point” (he went over to boot)…Most beers were Coors Light, with a strong number of Blue Moons…Would sample exotic beers while searching for treasure, call him a pirate…Week long Vegas trip was like the World Beer Tour...Likes Zima.

-JEEZ STEVE- 844. Current Slushy Gutter Winner…Had the high week in our last week with 106 beers consumed…would down 10+ beers while performing menial jobs (cleaning the house, trimming trees, installing a washer and dryer, sleeping)…95% of his beers were Bud Lights…crushed mad beers during late Summer hunting and fishing trips, call him the Bud Light Angler.

-TRAV- 656. The mad author of WYDU...Had his high week of 82 in the final week…drank a boatload of beers while playing poker…let the world know that he hates Side Bream (exact words: “F*ck Sid Bream, fuck him right in the ass!”)…Had a high number on a June trip to Evergreen for the weekend…Sampled a variety of domestic beers: Bud Select, Milwaukees Best (the “Beast”) and went on a stellar Keystone bender late in the Summer.

-COMMISH- 551. Also had his high week the final week…sampled beers throughout Colorado: Steamboat, Glenwood, Limon, Wolcott, Boulder…choked down a beer at 4:30am for perhaps the earliest…90% of his beers were Coors Light, but did go proper with an Original Coors at a rodeo…tried to feed some to a wayward squirrel on the top of a mountain (he didn’t want any)…sat in the front row at a wedding and drank a beer.

-PICKLES- 548. Former Slushy Gutter Winner…Crushed numerous beers post-softball and flag football…managed to get some good numbers even while keeping an eye on his two kids…had a high week of 69 while playing Bambi killer in northwest Colorado…95% of his beers were Bud Light, but did manage a few stiff hard drinks around the campfire singing “Cumbaya”…mid-Summer was “Mr Consistent” at mid 30s.

-TDUB- 499. Former two time Slushy Gutter Winner…struggled to learn the art of beer pong, but mastered the beer part…drank 11 beers during his fantasy football draft…had a beautiful baby girl but “would sneak a beer” when he would go home to get the mail…a good % of his beers were smooooooooth CLs, but he would wander off with wine, mixed drinks, and micorbrews (Stone IPA was his favorite).

-BROZ- 495. Started very slowly, but was strong in July and August…he doesn’t like Nomar Garciaparra and after a few beers let him know incessantly…after a few beers will belly flop in the pool, smoke a pack of cigarettes (he doesn’t smoke)…incurred the scowl of his father when drinking a 7:30am golf course beer…tolerated the Gwen Stefani show after 5+ beers…decided he hates the Fox and Hound bar, but still had 7 Dos Equis there...vents weekly over here.

-JBIZ- 431. Former two time Slushy Gutter Winner…rode a crotch rocket motorcycle while eating chocolate cookies after a night of beers (it was parked)…had a beautiful baby girl after which his beer count nearly halted, but rallied hard the last three weeks…did not perform any crazy dances this Summer as he has been known to do…crushed mad Michelob Goldens on a Canadian fishing trip, eh?...introduced all the SGers to beer pong after a garage remodel.

-SLICK RIP- 313. Numbers drastically low after he decided to go on a Marine-like training regimen in August, hoo-rah!...Nevada trip in June netted him a high week with 60 beers…most of his % was Bud Light, but would pretty much take whatever was available, call him a beer garbage disposal…drank some Bud Lights at a place called ‘Sports Barn’, no word if any cows or chickens were present.

Face (endured a hunting trip with Pickles and Jeez Steve)= 46
Crunk Dave (bachelor party in Atl, no word if Andruw Jones bought him a lapper)= 45
Father Tuck (had a nice fantasy draft with 14 Coors choked down)= 35
Clarence Cricket (eight beers during a hot workday golf tourney)= 27

TOTAL = 5,405

(in the words of the great Biggie Smalls: represent baaaaby baaaaaby)

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Wednesday, September 05, 2007

You Can't Spell USA without Melo

Snappin you amateur MC's
Don't you know I'm like the Dream Team tourin overseas,
For rappers in my circle I'm a deadly disease
Ringmaster, bringin a tiger cub to his knees...

The USA suddenly reverted to the old Dream Team days the past two weeks in Vegas, crushing the America’s “best” and apparently crushing champagne on their way to qualifying for the 2008 Olympics.

First, the down news. There was hardly any competition in the tourney, as our grouping (much like soccer…err…futbol) doesn’t contain many top squads. Argentina sent their B Squad as Floppy and the Gang spent their summer in Buenos Aries watching Evita.

Brazil was lead by a chubby and ineffective Nene, who if Nuggets management was watching should summon the big man to Denver immediately. He looked out of shape and out of sync nearly the entire tourney. A month with Steve Hess and some work with the staff should have him ready by camp.

Even Mexico was without their two best players, Eduardo Najera and former Nugget Earl Watson. Yes, Earl Watson can play for the Mexican team, just believe me. Steve Nash hasn’t played for the Hockey Mullets in a bit, as his presence would’ve presented a good test for the US guards. So basically, the NBA all-stars were playing against teams that most top 50 NCAA teams could beat.

Don’t expect the comp in Bejing to be like this, the Euros and their precision team play could again confound Coach K and his team. They could also choose to send the US to the line with some expert hacking, where they again struggled in the Vegas. They also look a lot more scrubby and dirty than the well-groomed North and South Americans.

The crowds weren’t exactly anti-US either, which they would’ve been if the original site of Venezuela was kept in place. Hugo Chavez probably would’ve personally dug trap holes on the court.

The good news. The US handled a Puerto Rican team that had schooled the US in the 2004 Athens games, where the Larry Brown team looked lost. This time around, hero Carlos Arroyo played like, well, Carlos Arroyo as the US just ate him up.

Coach K seems to have a cohesive group that is starting to know eachother’s game. At any time the core of this group can switch from a scorer to a defensive stopper to a assist machine. One Kobe Bean Bryant thrived in this role. He wasn’t asked to score a ton, but Laker fans were shocked when he was dishing out dimes like Magic. Most impressive was his lock down defense on the opponent, most notably Brazil’s Leandro Barbosa.

LeBron was almost unconscious from the floor, as he too dished the rock when needed. Dwight Howard, we are seeing him become a force in these games right before our eyes. Jason Kidd took hardly a single shot, but his and Chauncey Billup’s leadership proved invaluable. And for all the whining about Michael Redd saving US Basketball, it might be right. The Milwaukee player was on point from beyond the arc the entire tourney.

Finally, our hero is our man Melo. He takes some here at the SG, but dude was like a freaking video game out there. He could score from the wing, taking it to the rack, even from behind the line. He crashed the boards and shared the rock. Even Kobe seemed to defer to Melo throughout the tourney. Why he wasn’t the MVP is a strange story (Luis Scola?) Maybe Melo needs some Phil Jackson visualization to imagine the Spurs as the Argentine team.

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Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Subtraction is Addition's Tricky Friend

Hanging out late drinking a couple of brews
Turn on the radio put the shit on snooze
So when it's time to get up, the radio comes on
Blasting in my ear with the hip-hop song...

A few things that really set the Slushy Gutter Summer Mission back a few notches:

-A Bay Bay- Even the most hardened drunk must slow his roll when they are becoming new fathers. While two time Slushy Gutter Winners JBiz and TDub had designated drivers for 2/3 of the Mission, the births of their daughters put their dranks on the back burner. Crying babies throughout the night, poopy diapers, and thoughts of Prom dates with dudes named "Gearshaft" brought their drinking back.

-The Agony of Defeat- A good percentage of the SG participants fancied themselves some sort of Wide World of Sports competitor, which hampered their SG quests. The quartet of current Slushy Gutter Winner Jeez Steve, former Slushy Gutter Winner Pickles, TDub, and Slick Rip all powered through a summer of flag football. Taskmaster Pickles kept an eye on his charges like he was Bear Bryant in "Junction Boys" and scowled on their drinking. The Commish favored sober eves before the handful of running races he sludged through, and JBiz skated over mofos like Wayne Gretzky, which frequently wouldn't start until late nights.

-Coors Field Financing- The local nine's continuing run for the playoffs throughout the summer was quite the thrill, but not for the beer drinker's wallet. Four beers at 20th and Blake would set you back $24, while that same amount could score you 36 beers from the local packie. I'm not some economist, but the latter would seem more beneficial. That and I have some ocean-side real estate in Commerce City to sell you.

-The Morning After- Perhaps the Kryptonite to our Supermen were beers themselves. (That's like some bullsh*t riddle or something.) Too many Saturdays and Sundays were spent nursing sore livers, throbbing heads, and mouths so putrid that maggots were scared. Trav, Jeez Steve, and Broz all endured these weekend bitebacks.

-Other Fish- The siren's call that is other types of sweet alcohol was too much for some of our competitors. TDub succumbed to a fancy wine or margarita; two time Slushy Gutter Winner Juck gots that Zima jones; Broz will power down a fresh Bloody Mary, and even guest passer Father Tuck stumbled over too many Vodka drinks. From the vast tomes on the mission, only the Commish and Trav stuck to the hops and barley exclusively.

-Big Gulps- Who can resist the testosterone laden Monster Mug of 32 ounces of the golden suds? Not many of us. When faced with the choice of the big beers or the Hulk Hogan sized glasses or the Glass Joe standards, the SGers chose Hulkamania to run wild on you!

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Sunday, September 02, 2007

Lambs Skinned

Wicked when I kick it, yeah that's the ticket
Tossin up a forty still buzzin off the Likwit...

Spend the day with the Slushy Gutter at CU's victory over CSU Saturday:

3:40 am- The Commish awakes. It's dark, a little bit of a nippy wind whips through the air, the beers are already chillin.
3:45 am- My homeboy Uncle Buck always used to comment "ehhhhh" when it was early. I text former Two Time Slushy Gutter Winner TDub: "ehhhhhhh, early."
3:48 am- TDub texts back: " f u". Intelligent discourse there.
4:30 am- Hell, why not have a beer. I enjoy an 8 ounce smooooooooth Coors Light.
4:50 am- On the road, I hear EPMD's "Strictly Business." We are strictly business: beers, football, and tailgating.
4:55 am- I stop to get a Diet Mountain Dew and a Clif Bar. The Diamond Shamrock is closed. Ehhhh, early.
5:10 am- We're trying to load TDub's truck with an assortment of gear: coolers, grills, flag poles, EZ-Ups, chairs, and grub. I've put together jigsaw puzzles easier than this.
5:25 am- We pull up to Two Time Slushy Gutter Winner Juck's crib. He has two cases of beers and Zimas. What can we say, Juck loves him some Zima.
5:45 am- We stop at 7-11. If you've ever been to a 7-11 on a Saturday that early, you find humor in that. TDub buys another 12-pack because "you can never have enough."
6:02 am- That's what the stadium clock reads as we start unloading. Ehhhhh, early.
6:05 am- Juck: "we might as well have a beer while we're unloading."
6:20 am- The CU flag goes up the flagpole, followed by the Coors Light flag. I decide to sing "Rocky Mountain High" and the CU fight song in tribute.
6:30 am- Two groups of student are nearby. One has beer pong set up, the others have set up a dozens of Keystone Light 30 packs into a pyramid. Higher learning.
6:50 am- The grill, which looks like a Star Wars droid is cooking up bacon. Slick Rip eats a slice. He says he'll do 50 sit ups to make up for it.
7:00 am- The sun is now above the Denver skyline. Tis a privilege to live in Colorado. And get me another beer.
7:30 am- The Alkaholiks "Likwit" comes on the Sirius radio. TDub comments: "these guys are so far ahead in the game." He must not be aware the song came out in 1993.
8:00 am- Slick Rip's roommate spills bacon grease on his leg. He is unfazed and has more beer.
8:10 am- A student comes by with a hastily made t-shirt that reads Cock Sucking University. The tailgate thinks it is the greatest shirt ever. We offer the youngster a beer.
8:25 am- I'm in line at the john and sheep fans ask me if I am a trust funder (a common stereotype of Buff students.) I tell them no, but I drove my VW bus to the game and just got back from saving trees (another stereotype.) They laugh and call me a foul name. I tell them to have fun plowing their fields.
9:00 am- The sun is starting to get a bit hot. There's a nearly passed out student propped up on a tree. One hour until kickoff.
9:10am- My lovely wife is home sick, so I sell my extra ticket to a guy wearing a Tony the Tiger shirt with Japanese letters. They're grrrrreat, Konnichi wa!
9:15 am- Breaking down the tailgate. Like redoing the jigsaw puzzle.
9:30 am- We somehow have more beers than when we arrived. The beer gods shine on us.
9:45 am- Waiting in line at the cattle call ticket lines, one of Slick Rip's friends starts jawing with CSU fans. Typical insults thrown about. Rip's buddy stops the insults and simply asks the lamb fan: "you didn't have enough money to go to CU did you?" The lamb fan is not amused, a small scuffle ensues. Again, it's 9:45.
9:50 am- Sheep fans are dick-riding their RB, Kyle Bell. I'm tired of hearing it and start blurting, "damn, I don't know how we can win this game! They have freaking John Riggins at running back." A CSU student right behind me says, "damn straight we do. "
10:10 am- Finally in my seat. Cloud cover makes it quite pleasant. I've downed 10 beers since 4:30am. Juck tells me he's on 17.
10:20 am- CU scores on their first drive. Cody Hawkins looks good. He'll win the Heisman we all say.
10:40 am- CSU scores on their first drive. Defense looks bad. We probably won't win a game this year we all say.
11 am- CU scores on their second drive. Offense is on point. Sugar Bowl bound!
11:15 am- CSU scores on their second drive. Defense won't stop anyone. we probably won't ever win a game again.
Noon- Kevin Eberhart kicks a field goal to put CU up. He's from Broomfield, CO. I yell to the masses "Broomfield represent!" They don't know what it means, many shoot me disapproving grins.
12:05- I ask the crowd, "what division is this!?" The respond "Division one!" "What conference?" "The Big 12!" "Is this intramurals!?" "No!!!" except for Tdub, who can't follow along.
Halftime- I'm a freaking camel. I've drank enough water that would irrigate a small farm. CSU fans hear this and offer advice on agriculture.
3rd quarter- CSU comes out with two straight TDs. It's getting hot too. Adding up to another wasted day.
3rd quarter- CU gets a TD and 2 point conversion. 28-25 heading into the 4th quarter.
4th quarter- CSU keeps feeding the ball to Kyle Bell, errrr, John Riggins. Although it is the 70's coked up Riggins, as Bell is getting 3 yards max.
4th quarter- Broomfield's Chase McBride returns a punt into CSU territory. I yell "Broomfield represent." A few others join in with me.
late 4th- CU is in position to score, I hug Clarence Cricket for support in the tunnel. His wife wonders if we are having an affair.
end of regulation- tied. Overtime. Juck asks me how many OT games we've won. I reply "none this year."
OT- CU intercepts CSU on their possession. Eberhart comes in for winning CU field goal. This time "Broomfield represent" is being yelled by more than a few people in my section. I am their leader, although they make fun of me.
1:50- The Centennial Cup is back with us. Memo to the State of Colorado: when my fantasy football trophy is better than the Centennial Cup, it's time for a redesign.2pm- Im leaving the stadium. It is hot, I feel like a midget is squeezing my head.
2:15 pm- TDub asks the Denver police officer if he knows his uncle ( a ranking official in the DPD.) The officer replies, "yeah, and he wants you to pack up your sh*t and get out of here."
2:30- Slick Rip's roommate pukes on the asphalt. He is unfazed, he wants a beer.
3:30- Time to breakdown camp. The DPD threatens to lock us in. Again, another jigsaw puzzle.
4:00pm- The sun has officially kicked my ass today. I'll get you next time, Sun. Where's the next game? Oh, Tempe, Arizona. I'll get you after that, Sun. Sun-1 Commish-0.
4:05 pm- Juck says he will drink one beer for each CU point. I don't doubt him for a second.
4:30 pm- Im home on the couch, ice pack, cold water, midget still on head. CU is 1-0. All is good in Slushy Gutter land.

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