Thursday, August 31, 2006

Who Dey?!

You better recognize, adjust your bifocals
Your style is local, I sit on beats in Acupulco
I put words together like Peter Jennings
And skate on motherfuckers like Peggy Fleming...

With less than 48 hours remaining until the glorious dawning known as College Football, Slushy Gutter Summer takes a quick look at the tilt between the hometown Buffs and their Game One opponent, the Montana State Bobcats.

-This will be the first game for new Colorado head coach Dan Hawkins. Hawkins currently holds the Div 1 winning percentage title after his stint as HC of the Boise State Broncos. 'Hawk' isn't quite in awe of his new Big 12 surroundings. "Is it fun going to all these (new) stadiums and all these places? Yeah," Hawkins said. "But it's not like I'm going to Norman to get Bob Stoops' autograph. We're going there trying to win. "- Dan Hawkins

-Montana State Football website

-MSU recently added safety Tyrone Henderson to their roster. Sound familiar? It should, as he started the majority of last year for the Buffs. He was kicked off the team for unspecified reasons earlier in the summer

-Colorado Buffaloes Roster

-Quarterback James Cox, a fifth year Senior will lead the Buffs into action on Satruday. Behind him on the depth chart are Juniors Brian White and Bernard Jackson. I expect to see all three play at some point during the year. At tailback, Hugh Charles should get the bulk of the carries, but he is hearing footsteps on the depth chart from The Welder.

-Colorado is one of nine Division 1A teams to never have played a D1AA opponent. That streak will end on Saturday when the Bobcats come to town. In this economic environment and with the NCAA 12th game, CU AD Mike Bohn was smart in bringing in the 'Cats. Would the fans rather see, say, Stanford or Minnesota? Sure, but the 'Cats fit the bill as a good first opponent.

-With MSU being a D1AA team, there is no line on the game. Various publications have their lines however. The Harmon Forecast has the score Colorado-41, Montana St-3.

-There will plenty of suds consumed before, during, and after the game. The prime spot, as it has been throughout the years is The Harvest House. Everyone come by to revel in the post-528 moments.

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Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Inside the Numbers

I came to bring the pain hardcore from the brain
Let's go inside my astral plane
Find out my mental's based on instrumental
Records hey, so I can write monumental...

With a few days left in the SG Summer and only nine beers away from the hallowed mark, we delve into the numbers of the past 14 weeks.

Type of Beers
1. Smooooooooooooth CLs- 85%
2. Bud Lights (because it was the only one available)- 10%
3. Various Mexican beers (ole!)- 5%
4. Pabst Blue Ribbon(gotta get my trailer park on)- 2%
5. Other conconctions- 3%
6. Sweaty Johnny's Rainbow Mist Ale- 0%

Where They Were Drizank
1. At the crib/another drunk's crib- 42%
2. At a local watering hole- 32%
3. Coors Field- 10%
4. Concert- 6%
5. Softball parking lot- 5%
6. Outdoor Summer festival bullshit- 5%
7. In Coors Field humidor with Dinger- 0%

High Volume
1. Glenwood Springs late July - over 50 beers
2. Boulder Concert weekend late July- about 45
3. Random bar tour mid July- over 40 beers
4. (Liver should've fallen out in July)

Beer Size
1. Standard can/bottle- 55%
2. Bar/Eatery pint- 30%
3. non-standard can (ie, 8oz, 16 oz, 40oz)- 10%
4. Lame pitcher pour from former Slushy Gutter winners into a glass- 5%
5. Out of a cake pan or measuring cup- 0% (note: The Kid didn't do this , but his lovely wife did)
6. From the dog dish- 0%
7. From a pimp cup- 0%


Monday, August 28, 2006

528: Daze in a Weak

No jokin, I'm gettin paid fully
You wanna buy the cassette, stop by Sam Goody
Yo where's my hoody?
I wanna be hard and cause some ruckus
Talk with the b-boy slang and blast some suckers...

The SG Summer is coming entering the two-minute drill, as we embark on the 14th and final week. Not one to slow down, the final seven days will undoubtedly provide some fast and hectic action...

-The Rockies cling to a faint hope of a successful season with the NL's best team heading into 20th and Blake...The Broncos, fresh off a preseason win, must cut players to get closer to the final roster...Fantasy Football, suicide pools, pick ems, they all get rolling hard this week...and College Football, the glorious game that it is, gets kicked off, including the Colorado Buffaloes with their new coach, new QB, and new outlook in the stout Big 12 Conference.

-Hip Hop sees a flurry of new releases from the old old school, the "alternative" group, a Wu fixture, and the "new" rap bullshit. The CDs will give many of us an indication of where the fickle hip hop audience's attention is in Fall of the 06.

-528 Update: This past weekend was slow, we're talking grandma walker slow for the Slushy Gutter Summer. A total of 6 beers counted against the final tally this weekend. That's not a misprint, the Kid took it mad easy. Kind of like resting your starters before the big game, as now, I am 100% focused on Labor Day weekend and getting over the heralded count. Now, Im fiending like Pookie for some smooooooooooooth CL, especially number 528, still scheduled for this Saturday am for Kickoff Saturday. This week we'll break down the 528 count, what it was, what it is, and where it is going... (519)

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Friday, August 25, 2006

Glory Glory

I talk sense condensed into the form of a poem
full of knowledge from my toes to the top of my dome
I'm kinda young, but my tongue speaks maturity
I'm not a child, I don't need nothin for security...

A few tidbits as we approach the one week mark until the glorious day that signifies the start of the college football season and our beloved Golden Buffaloes:

-Coach Hawkins named senior James Cox the starting QB this past week, rustling the feathers of some of the Buff Nation. Yes, Cox has been a average backup the past two years, and yes, he had a subpar Champs Bowl. But the way some Buff backers are acting, it's like Hawk selected Cox over John Elway, Otto Graham, and a cyborg mix of the Deep Blue computer and Joe Montana.

-Runningback Mel Holliday (no relation to Rockies slugger Matt Holiday) is working his way up the depth chart with his bruising style of running the football. Holliday is an interesting story; as he has five kids, lives in nebraska, and spent the summer as a welder to support his family. Thus, "The Welder" is born.

-Everyone knows there's no love lost between the sodbusters and Buff fans. Most of our neighbors to the East are good, respectable people. Like any fans, they have their lunatic fringe, it just seems like the Fusker fan lunatic fringe is a whole lot bigger than most other schools. Case in point right here.

-Former Slushy Gutter winner JL Smooth has been a frequent viewer of ESPN's "Summer House" in which six future D1 players go all "Real World" and compete versus one another. One of the players is no other than CU's frosh QB Cody Hawkins. JL was also quick to point out the resemblance of Cody Hawkins and tormenting big brother Wayne from "The Wonder Years." No word if Paul Pfifer will be playing wideout.

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Off to tha ATL

Braniac dumb-dumbs, bust the scientifical
Approach to the coarse and the force is centrifical
Can you find your way through the lyrics that be catchin em?
Throw another rhyme across the room, they be fetchin em

The Broncos finally pulled of the inevitable last night and traded their headache Ashlie Lelie. It is not known if Ashlie will receive a more manly name in the trade or even, perhaps, the “y” that most people named “Ashley” prefer to use. I bet that our former “Ashlie” is the only person with that name getting ready for an NFL camp rather than prepping for Fall rush at the sorority house. But we digress…

The Broncos, in a three way deal, will receive a 2007 3rd round draft choice for the former 1st round pick, while the Redskins receive bruiser TJ Duckett and Ashlie lands with Mike Vick in the ATL. A good deal on the surface, as the Donks get rid of their disgruntled WR. At this point theY might have taken a bag of moldy donuts for him.

However, in the long run, again Coach Shanny has failed in the NFL draft. His first round pick a few years back had a few average seasons, and he gets a 3rd rounder in exchange. Shanny and the draft have had their share of good picks (Clinton Portis and his hats, some guy named Terrell Davis) but more often than not, Shanny’s early picks are usually closer to selling cars at Rhett Bohmar’s dealership than Pro Bowl status.

With the third round picks they’ve had, the Broncos have drafted such notables as: Maurice Clarrett, Karl Paymah, Jeremy LeSueur (didn’t he play on the French soccer team?), Dorsett Davis (not to be twisted as Tony Dorsett and Andre Davis’ love child), Reggie Hayward, Chris Cole, Travis McGriff (again, not the former MLB player on those instructional videos), Chris Watson, someone named Mark Campbell, and Finch, Bird, Trumaine, and Peanut from Central High. It should be noted that Dan Neil and Brian Griese, both serviceable players were also drafted in the 3rd round. Good luck on finding that 10 year player Shanny.


Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The UMC's - Blue Cheese

In 1991, this video and song by the UMCs had me baffled. In the days of rap meaning something, whether it be West Coast gangsterism, Public Enemy thought-provoking, even Naughty's urban picture-painting, "Blue Cheese" almost appeared like a shout out to Barney. Then Martin went ahead and hung their poster on his wall for years but that didn't help. They dropped a hot CD, "Fruits OF Nature" and that didn't answer the question. A few years later, they ditched the bright colors and Native Tongue style dances and became all hardcore. Still, no answer to "Blue Cheese." Fifteen years later, Im just as confused.


Monday, August 21, 2006

528 Update: Top Billings

I get money, money I got
Stunts call me honey if they feel real hot...

This past weekend saw our yearly trip to Top Billings, Montana to visit with the in-laws and saturate ourselves in Montana suds and fun. A quick trip was smattered with many beers throughout the Montana Fair, a Billings Mustangs baseball game, and a day on the vast Big Horn Reservoir. Of course, we visited many local watering holes, and with less than two weeks remaining in Slushy Gutter Summer, the Kid is a mere 15 beers away from the hallowed mark. We are still looking at the early morning beer as number 528 on Kickoff Saturday, Sept 2, but it could come even earlier. (513)


Thursday, August 17, 2006

Vans Hailin'

You will now consider me the apocalyptic one
After this rhyme, henceforth, there is none
No more will exist, when I emerge from the mist in whence I was born into, scorned...

There’s a strong buzz in hip-hop right now for The Pack and their new joint, “Vans.” It’s a pretty unique song all about the timeless slip-on, Jeff Spicoli favored, checkered footwear.

Just as the song gained some momentum, MTV decided to ban the video because they basically deemed it a commercial for Vans. The Pack joins other scorned groups and songs such as Madonna’s “Justify My Love” and “What It Feels Like For A Girl,” Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up” and even Jacko’s “They Don’t Care About Us” that have the ignominy of being banned from the network.

Another nice call MTV; lump in a song about the favorite footwear of Hyphy rappers, burnout grommets, and aging beach bums with those depicting gratuitous violence, extreme sexuality, racism, and suicide. How about another reality show of Jessica Simpson and her tits.

The Pack, "Vans" video


Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Whatcha Ice Grilling me for?

Your reign on the top was short like leprechauns
As I crush so-called willies, thugs, and rapper-dons
Get in that ass, quick fast like Ramadan
It's that rap phenomenon Don-Dadda...

The highlight of the last night’s Rockies/D-Backs game wasn’t the actual gameplay but the benches clearing “glare and yell” at each other stare-down in the 8th inning. After a HR, Jose “The Table” Mesa threw twice inside at Frankenstein lookalike Luis Gonzalez. As he slowly moved up the baseline to take his free base, he mean mugged the Table the entire way. TV cameras caught an incensed Table snapping back at Gonzo, and it didn’t take a professional lip reader to know what Jose barked at him, and it sure wasn’t “vacuum!”

Of course that got both benches and bullpens emptied, where the two convened on the infield in the typical baseball square dance meets West Side Story shouting match that results in nothing. Order was restored and the local nine went on to the 9th inning heroics.

While watching highlights, they showed the bullpens in full sprint to join the fracas. It got me to thinking, why are these chumps running 200 yards to join the festivities when they are already about 10 feet away from the enemy out in right field? Wouldn’t it be easier for them to just open those little doors and meet for their own ice-grill fest out in deep right? The bullpens rushing to join a baseball fight might be the wackest thing in all of professional sports. If Israeli forces and Hezbollah were sitting in two rooms next to each other, and saw a skirmish down the street, they wouldn’t spill out together to run 200 yards, then start fighting each other.

My advice to bullpens: save your energy and stage a second “front” to the baseball fight. At the first sign of a fight, the Rockies bullpen should’ve lobbed urine bombs into the DBacks bullpen. Maybe they could’ve wedged a board in their door so they were stuck inside, then release a bunch of snakes into the bully. They could’ve scaled the wall ala the Mongols and rained blows with those spiffy folding chairs the team provides. How about getting a jump on the DBacks and pick them off one by one with Brian Fuentes' karate chops to their ball sacks as they exit.


Monday, August 14, 2006

The Quiet Storm- 528 Update

I'm not an MC who talkin all that junk
About who can beat who, soundin' like a punk
I just get down and I go for mine
Say check one-two, and run down the line

528 Update: A quiet weekend saw the count inch even closer to the ultimate goal. Some CF, a little BBQ, and a Sunday Rockies’ game got the Kid up to 469. That’s a mere 59 away. So the question now is not if, but rather when will the “Golden Brew” be swilled. Looking at the calendar and schedule, barring some unforeseen bender, my best guess is that #528 will occur the morning of Sept 2, before the kickoff of the first CU game. Ahhhh, the taste of a smooooooooth CL in the morning...stay tuned...Cheers!


Friday, August 11, 2006

Requisite Maurice Clarett Post

Freaking the funk, I be the ill funk freaker
With the diabolical sound coming through your speaker
Bulletproof ready for action, no fronting
Fully loaded Tec loaded ready to go hunting...

We’ve all been transfixed by the Maurice Clarrett situation coming out of Ohio. Somewhere, they once promising RB’s situation went awry and he know borders in between the sad, the crazy, and the dangerous side of the sports pages. Coach Shanny of our local professional football franchise made a Mandarich-sized blunder in last year’s draft and gave MC a chance, drafting him on the 3rd round. Maurice didn’t even make it out of training camp, which coupled with Wednesday’s events, has some Broncos relieved that he is finally behind bars, including safety Nick Ferguson,

"A couple of things were about to happen," Ferguson said. "Either he
was going to rob a bank or he was probably on his way down to Dove
Valley. . . . it's one of the two."

Nick…buddy… 1,261 miles between Columbus, Ohio and the Broncos training camp. If Maurice averaged 75 mph, with stops to tinkle, grab some Chips Ahoy To Go cups, a 32 ounce Mr. Pibb, traffic through St Louis, a roadside Jerky stand in Goodland, and stop at the Mikasa Outlet Store, Maurice wouldn’t have arrived in Dove Valley until sometime this last Thursday. At that time, you and the rest of the team would’ve been safely in Detroit (hmm, you don’t see that in a sentence much) and whoever remained at Broncos HQ could’ve easily outwalked Maurice and his 6.1 40-time.


Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Paul Wall vs Booger

Throw a monkey wrench in your program
crammed up your ass and it's just too bad, son
Catch a bad one...

I ran across a pict of Paul Wall recently and had to do a double take. Was that Paul Wall or Booger from “Revenge of the Nerds” fame? Are they long lost brothers? Father and Son? Let’s take a look at the two…

Paul Wall: The only white cat that hangs with Swisha House Records
Booger: One of the few white guys in Lambda Lambda Lambda
Advantage: Booger- The Tri-Lams were hard core, they rocked those fresh cardigan sweaters.

Paul Wall: DJ, Producer, Rapper
Booger: Played a mean electric guitar at the Adams College Carnival
Adavantage: Wall- all that fancy guitar playing may have helped Booger and the Tri-Lambs win the Carnival, but it also got Booger’s guitar smashed up during the subsequent Alpha home invasion.

Paul Wall: “I gots the internet going nuts”
Booger: “What the fruck is a frush?”
Advantage: Booger- taking money from exchange students as opposed to taking money from suburban white kids who buy your CD

Paul Wall: High priced grillz in his mouth
Booger: Budweiser in his mouth helped him defeat Ogre in the Fraternity Olympics
Advantage: Wall- If Booger used Coors, then he would’ve got this one. Rotten metal and jewels probably tastes the same as Bud.

Paul Wall: Has beef with Chamillionaire
Booger: Has beef with Stan Gable
Advantage: Wall- Chamillionaire is “Ridin Dirty” while Stan complains about having sex with Betty.

Paul Wall: Famous Stars and Straps t-shirts
Booger: Gimme Head Till Im Dead t-shirt
Advantage: Booger- Hands down. I’ll wear that tee to the next wedding I attend.

Paul Wall: Homies include Mike Jones, Pimp C, Big Pokey
Booger: Homies include Gilbert, Wormser, and Lamar
Advantage: Push. Most of the joints by the Houston scene are on par with the rap that Lamar busts out at the Carnival.

Paul Wall: Rumored to be in a new group with the Blink 182 drummer
Booger: Followed up with a supporting role on "Moonlighting" and comedy classics “Better Off Dead” and “One Crazy Summer”
Advantage: Booger- In “Better Off Dead” Booger contemplates snorting an entire mountain of snow and he chills with Bruce Willis in Moonlighting. That beats any glam punk songs.


Monday, August 07, 2006

528 Detox? Hardly.

Backspins for backspin, even while I'm rappin
Before I had a record, I always kept em clappin
Freestylin on the block, now I Chief Rock...

This weekend was to be a "slow" weekend in the SG Summer, but as events unfolded, it became a typical weekend. A 30th birfday party for my man Face on Saturday got things started on the proper. Sunday saw the Kid check out the Goats and their football tourney, then a reunion with a long lost relative who peppered us with marvelous stories of years past. Including one of a far-off relative back in the day who threw a disgruntled patron through a plate glass window of the local watering hole. Slushy Gutter indeed. (443)

Today is a great day here in CO, as football is in full swing. Our beloved Buffaloes start camp today, in what will hopefully end in December or January with a stellar year. An interesting article from the DP shows the CU coaching staff using a video game to help improve the QB play. Hmmm, CU football, video games? Throw in some smooooooooooth CLs and they can chill with the derelicts in our crew.

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Friday, August 04, 2006

Jeff Hates Wet Balls

Rap prime minister, some say sinister
Non-stopping the groove, until when it’s the
Climax, and I max, relax and chill
Have a break from a take of me acting ill...

Former Rockie and current Brewer Jeff Cirillo has joined the parade of MLBers whining about Coors Field this week. Cirillo cried how he thought the baseballs at 20th and Blake were “waterlogged” due to his lack of anything that resembled MLB hitting over the Rockies series win over the Brew Crew. Nevermind this is the same Jeff Cirillo who was brought in by the Rockies regime to be a corner infielder for years, and this was before the “waterlogged” baseballs were being tossed around. In his two years with the Purple, he batted .320, with 14 HRs, and 99 RBI per year. Decent numbers, but not exactly Troy Glaus in the pre-humidor era. Since then, he has bounced around from Seattle, to San Diego, and now back to the Brewers where he is currently coming off the bench. The only thing that is waterlogged is Jeff's career; he's one step closer to being the Milwaukee Chorizo rather than a Milwaukee Brewer. Just maybe, maybe, Coors pitching has improved drastically and after a decade the Rockies (and even some other teams) have figured out some of the intricacies of the park. The only soggy balls in this supposed drama are the sour ones Cirillo and the rest of the Coors haters carry.


Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Bodily Functions

My war is so tight, my drama so ill,
Beef with me hangs around like a unpaid bill...

Random SG bullshit that's got me losing control of my own body:

Earlin in the parking lot- I keep hearing “bring New York back” in hip-hop circles. If the latest craze from the NYC is an indication, Gotham is about as close to being “back” as the Knicks are to winning the NBA Finals. I give you "Chicken Noodle Soup".

Make me f*ckin sick to my stomach- Another 1-0 loss at Coors Field. 10 men left on base. No sign of clutch hitting. A leadoff triple in the 9th, with the runner still standing there at the game’s end. Maybe Clint needs to take the boys to the cages for some swings, go-kart rides, cokes and pizza. Worse yet, nearly the whole division lost too.

Pee pee when they see me- Lord Sear broke out Masta Killa’s new single, Iron God Chamber recently on the Drunk Mix and I literally almost pulled over and pissed my pants. I never paid the “secondary” members of the Clan much mind, but this song is freaking bananas. You could stick it in between "Bring Da Ruckus" and "Shame on a N**ga" and no one would ever notice it was dropped 13 years later.

Never seen a man cry- Bradlee van Mullet still has the #2 QB spot on the Broncos roster, making him my teams starting QB if Jake’s nifty Element wont start and he misses the game. Seeing Sunshine at the helm would seriously test my Orange and Blue blood. The good news: Jay Cutler is progressing nicely.

If you tired, then go take a nap- Ashlie Lelie still hasn’t been traded, but apparently the dinged up Eagles might be interested. Memo to Eagles fans: Lelie won’t make you forget Terrell Owens, Mike Quick, or even Harold Carmichael. Meanwhile, the Lelie situation is barely receiving any play in the Bronco obsessed CO media. A collective yawn.

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Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Up in da Mountains - 528

The year everybody start to rush,
Swingin through is your friendly neighborhood lush...

This weekend saw our annual sojourn to Glenwood Springs, and the added liver cruelety that comes with it. The 100 degree plus days were tempered by ice cold Coronas at the historic Hot Springs pool, smooooooooooooth CLs at the outdoor bar at the Hotel Colorado, wheat beers with some spicy Cajun fare while celebrating former two-time Slushy Gutter winner T-Dub's birfday, BLs and Dos XX cervezas with the hippies in downtown Carbondale, and a smattering of other random dranks and seedy bars around town. All in all, a great extended weekend, which sent off July's stanza of The Slushy Gutter Summer at a stellar 409. August stikes next...

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