Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Culter Needs No Cash!

I'm back again, I see the heads still turnin on my so-called friends
They smile in my face, behind my back they talk trash
Mad and stuff, because they don't have cash...

The saga of saga of Josh v Jay has taken so many turns and dips that ESPN has dipped into ABC Soap Opera talent and sent producers from that genre to Dove Valley. Now comes word that because Denver's QB1 has missed more than 10% of offseason workouts, he will not receive $100,000 in bonus money.

I'm not sure what fantasyland, insulated, Santa Claus Indiana-world Cutler lives in, but has he turned on the news lately? Times are tough, money is tough to come by, people are struggling. When they see a pampered star athlete who can't show up for work and forfeiting 100K, that's a big "I'm not one of you" gesture in a town that still wants to think their athletes have some connection to Joe SixPack.

We're not talking about show ing up for rigourous work here. Cutler isn't coming into work to split the atom. It's "offseason workouts" which ususally amount to lots of guys standing around in oversized gray sweatsuits occaisionally lifting weights and/or running. Maybe tossing a football around or catching one. Whew! Sounds exhausting! So basically, doing what you already do and collect mad cash.

Think the Bronco staffers who were laid off recently could've used that coin? The season ticket holder who is literally scraping and saving to pay for his 5th level seats? The practice squad guys who don't have a job and are trying to figure what direction to take in their football lives?
The Broncos should be concerned (again) with Cutler's lack of concern. They should give QB Diva a big virtual "F you" and come out with a statement about how they are "disappointed their starting QB could not participate in workouts with his teammates." Then donate the $100,000 to the Darrent Williams Center, or to the local shelters, or to the local United Way.

At least that way someone appreciative will get that money that Cutler would've had to work oh-so hard for.


Saturday, March 28, 2009

Melo's Heroes

Yo when you bug out, you usually have a reason for the action
Sometimes you don't it's just for mere satisfaction...

Wouldn't it be a lot funner if Dirk Nowitzki talked like Colonel Klink or some other German?

Hello, Dieter it's Dirk! How is the wienerschnitzel? Oh, good. No, we lost the game, versus Nuggets of Denver. Is that the new Hasselhoff record you are playing? The Carmelo was very good- he practically broke Dirk's ankles in the 3rd quarter. No Dieter, Carmelo is a player, not a type of chocolate!

Worse yet for Dirk is I take a pounding like Boris Becker versus Stefan Edberg from K-Mart. No, he's a player not a techno pop group, Dieter, you silly goose. You watching what? Is that the one where Hogan and the crew try to outfoil Klink? Oh, I love that one!

Yes, the K-Mart is one with lips on neck, yes, just like Dirk and the whores after too much at Oktoberfest! The Nuggets of Denver are peaking, they win in Dallas versus Dirk and in New Orleans with Chris Paul. The Melo very strong. They have Birdman, he long like sauerkraut. No, he not man with wings. He man with many tattoos.

What? You kid?! No way Scorpions are playing in Dusseldorf in May! Yes, Dieter, Dirk will be there.


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Doom: Born Like This

MF Doom returns this week after a bizarre stint on the Hip Hop sidelines without the ‘MF’ but toting his signature dark, grimey beats and lyrics with his first release in nearly four years, Born Like This.

Harkening back to his MMM…Food and beyond days, the government named Daniel Dumile reaches far into his metal faced alter ego to take BLT into uncharted territory, even for Doom fans.

The eerily dreary “Cellz” perhaps sets the tone for the entire offering, as a nearly two minute diatribe is read spoken word style by poet Charles Bukowski on the Earth and humanity’s destruction before Doom has a chance to spit: "...dried Paraffin, candy corn crap rappers pale by comparison.”

Beats are concocted on the album by the late J-Dilla (check the track “Lightworks” with its nearly cosmic beat), Madlib, and Doom himself. However, after Doom’s work on Jake One’s White Van Music, fans were left hoping for more of the seemingly perfect pairing. The Seattle producer laces the early leaked “Ballskin” and “Rap Ambush” among others with his signature hard hitting beats, the latter has Doom threatening with “rhyme propelled grenades.”

Old friends pop up too, as M.I.C. partner Kurious makes an appearance on “Supervillianz” which pokes fun at the 2009 rap game with an autotuned chorus of “what rhymes with villian?” The track also features Slug of Atmosphere, who along with his verse on C-Rayz Walz "In Your Soul" has had a stellar start to 09.

The albums’ top song is undoubtedly “Yessir”, a track featuring a rejuvenated Raekwon rapping over the classic ESG song “UFO” on which Doom doesn’t even appear on. On the other end is Ghostface Killah on the awkwardly out-of-place “Angelz.”

The only complaint of this joint might be the length, a scant 40 minutes plus, but it is vintage Doom: dark, mysterious, clever lyrics that are among his best in years, all without the stereotypical "nerd rap" feel.


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Over the Grant Hill

I got worldwide family all over the earth
And I worry bout em all for whatever it's worth...

The Nugs v Suns game in Phoenix last night must've been caught in some weird cosmic time continuum, especially the refs' thought process. Because I swore Grant Hill from his Duke and/or Pistons' days was getting some pretty good calls out there.
Late in the game, Hill takes the ball 3/4 of the floor (showing surprising speed and agility- tough to do with a walker) and manuevers through the low post. JR Smith gets to Hill, slids into position just outside the semicircle and appears to be set, taking the charge. The 1992 refs don't see it that way, as Hill barrels over Smith, and then awards Hill plus one on Smith's blocking call.
By comparision, Chauncey Billups is whistled for a charge on Steve Nash a few possessions later 20 feet away from the basket. NBA: It's Consistent!
Later, Hill is on the low block when he goes up with the ball. Nothing bad here, except that he also comes down with the ball. In every civilized basketball playing country on earth that would be travelling. Not for Grant Hill and the wonder refs at US Airways Arena, that's just a heady play taught at Duke.
This highlights a glaring Nugs' shortcoming: this team gets the least amount of "respect" and "veteran calls" in the entire league. That in itself is a problem, but it is a reality. George Karl might need to go Earl Weaver on some of these refs and loosen up the whistles a bit. If we were gonna give Grant such respect and all the calls, we should've at least forced him to rock the high fade from his early Duke days.
RELATED: Boot Camp Click - "Think Back" - ("High top fade, tailor-made Gucci suits...")


Monday, March 23, 2009

Nuggets Road Trifecta

You're just a rent-a-rapper, your rhymes are minute maid ,
I'll be here when it fade to watch you flip like a renegade...

A dozen games are all that stand between the Nuggets and a possible two seed or perhaps the dreaded eight seed. And that 12 game stretch starts with a flury tonight, Wednesday, and Friday with a trifecta of roadies that could determine the Powder Blue Patrol's playoff fate. All this talk of seeds make anyone want to get some sunflower seeds?
At Phoenix, at New Orleans, and at Dallas. All teams desperate in the NBA playoff hunt, In Phoenix's case on the outside of the playoff hunt.
While the Nugs have a five game winning tilt, no on is screaming from the roof of the Pepsi Center, as all five 'W's are versus non-playoff foes. However, the stretch did allow K-Mart and Anthony Carter get back into their form from earlier in the year. Even more important might be the strong emergence of Renaldo Balkman over the last two weeks. Throw in Chris Anderson's above average play, and the team looks OK on the front end of things.
Carter's health may be the key to the three game crucible facing the Nugs. Not only are they facing three daunting road games, but he and backcourt mate Chauncey Billups face Steve Nash, Chris Paul, and Jason Kidd. While Kidd and Nash aren't going to out-athlete either of the Nugs' guards, they still have the court sense to match up.
RELATED: Public Enemy - "By the Time I Get to Arizona"


Thursday, March 19, 2009

In Return For Cutler

Who give a fuck about who or they fancy crew
That's no mystery that Hardy Boys do with Nancy Drew…

It appears Jay Culter is on his way out of our fair state, so where should they send him? And what should they get in return?

-Washington Redskins-
Rumors of Cutler and LaRon Landry being swapped. Excuse me, I just hyperventilated a bit. Imagine that defensive backfield here in Denver? So much so, I can fight off the thought of Chris Simms as starter.

-Two And A Half Men- Cutler can be traded to the show to serve as that kid Angus Jones’ stunt double. Tell me they don't like like twins? In return, we receive Charlie Sheen’s sloppy seconds. Hellllllo, Denise Richards.

-Kansas City Chiefs- Fuck it, if you love Matt Cassel so much, sack up and trade them straight up. Oh wait, they aren’t interchangeable? Gee, no shit, McHoody? Throw in Len Dawson, Elvis Grbac, and Steve DeBerg and it is still isn’t even.

-LA Galaxy- Cutler loves him a goofy soccer player haircut, plus the Galaxy are short until Beckham returns from AC Milan. Yes, I know that…go ahead and smack me. We’ll take Mrs. Beckham and the other Spice Girls in return.

-Detroit Lions- Jay Cutler: career loser, meet Detroit Lions: the ‘L’ in loser. They could throw in Ford Field and Eric Hipple’s jockstrap and it still wouldn’t be enough for anyone on that squad.
RELATED: Big L - "Put It On" - ("I drink Moet not Beck's beer, I stay dressed in slick gear")


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Falling Down: The Nets' Version

Ladies let your body flow
Send a chill up your spine like an eskimo...

The New Jersey Nets came into town last night for their payback after handing the Nugs a beatdown last month. But the main scuffle of the trip took place earlier in the afternoon when Nets' player Sean Williams was arrested in suburban Denver.

When you hear NBA arrest you think: alcohol related, drugs, domestic violence, assault. Check none of the above for Williams, as he was charged for wrecking shop at a cell phone store.

Williams should be applauded, not charged. He simply did what everyone of us has wanted to do probably 100 times.

Your cell phone is on the fritz, your old lady is bitching that you are ignoring her (and your excuse of "my cell phone is broke" is reality), you have to go to some out of the way service provider and stand in line for about 10 hours. Plus, Orange Julius totally fucked your order a bit earlier. When you finally get waited on, some condescending cell phone techie lectures you in Nokiasese and disappears to the back for another 45 minutes. All the while, his co-workers are chatting eachother up or texting on their phones.

Finally, your phone is back and working. You are at your limit and then the kicker: the bill. For his dilly dallying, the provider charges you an arm and a leg, complete with all sorts of miscellaneous "fees."

What to do? Hell yeah, grab some equipment and starting wrecking shit. The store was lucky Williams didn't come back with a freaking bulldozer and ten crates of rabid pit bulls.

Vote Sean Williams: All Star 2010. If he takes a trip to Motor Vehicles, make him the damn MVP.

RELATED: Tim Dog f/KRS-One - "I Get Wrecked"


Sunday, March 15, 2009

Bracket Racket 09: Count Chocula

French-vanilla, butter-pecan, chocolate-deluxe...

Last year's SG Bracket Challenge saw The Commish prevail in his wager with three time Slushy Gutter winner TDub and in turn he had to sport a Mummy costume to a Fall CU football game.

Here we are in 09, the brackets have been announced (I still can't for the life of me figure how CU didn't get an at-large bid!) and the SG Bracket Racket is ready to rumble again.

And the wager is in full effect. Whoever finishes lower between TDub and The Commish will be forced to rock a Count Chocula costume to a CU game. Damn straight, Count Chocula. Say it - "Count Chocula" - even saying it is fun.

As someone asked me though: "Isn't Count Chocula just a brown vampire?" No way, study him! He is the purveyor of chocolatey goodness throughout the undead world!

That said, all are invited again to the SG Brackets on Yahoo. Winner is declared Hoops Ruler for one full year and any statements he/she makes on here about basketball cannot be questioned. Losers get a fistful of chocolate puffs.

Yahoo Slushy Gutter Brackets 09


id= 45396
password= beer

Labels: ,

Friday, March 13, 2009

Slashing The 13th


--Nas- Made You Look (Remix)- (“Friday the 13th my CD drop, I rhyme to more Base than EZ Rock”)
--Black Star- Astronomy- (“Be unlucky for you like a black cat”)
--Geto Boys- Chuckie- (“Dead heads and frog legs. Mmm- cake mix! Friday the 13th”)
--Big Daddy Kane- Aint No Half Steppin- (“Your body, just because you try to be basin.
Friday the 13th, I’m a play Jason.”) VIDEO
--Emimen- 8 Mile- (“Or am I just another crab in the bucket, cause I ain't havin no luck with this little Rabbit so fuck it.”)
--Akinyele- The Bomb- (“I keep the mic like glass, because I slash thirsty rappers' ass on a Friday night without no hockey mask “)
--Naughty By Nature- Everything’s Gonna Be Alright (Ghetto Bastard)- (“Or done, if not or bad luck, I would have none. Why did I have to live a life of such a bad one?”) VIDEO
--Redman- Cosmic Slop- (“I'm like an eclipse on a Friday, the 13th, with black cats and Haley's Comet, blazin blunts in my driveway”)
--2Pac f/ Kurupt- Got My Mind Made Up (“My thoughts rip ya throat and make it hard to breathe, ya whole camp's under seige, and I'm Jason Vorhees” [Kurupt])
--Xzibit- Jason
--Naughty By Nature- Wicked Bounce- (“And when I draw the line don't get in the way, I'm paper chasin, or I'll be cuttin you off like Friday the 13th and I'm Jason.”)
--3rd Bass- Gas Face- (“Black cat is bad luck, bad guys wear black, must’ve been a white guy who started all that”) VIDEO
--Elzhi- Talkin In My Sleep- (“'Cause that nigga chasin is lookin like Jason with his face in a mask.”)
--Jay-Z- Money, Cash, Hoes- (“Y'all rap now, fast money lets slow it up, ni**az try to stop Jay-Z to no luck”)
--Louis Logic- Visceral Literal (“Homegrown slasher flick, spill the blood of pacifists.)
--DMX f/ Method Man- Grand Finale- (“Watch them young guns that take none, nobody safe from. The Friday, the 13th, ghetto Jason.”[Method Man])
--Dr Dre- Lyrical Gangbang- (“Yo, I breaks em off, I breaks em off, chief. Deadly as Jason on Friday the 13th” [Kurupt])
--Nine- Any Emcee- (“…it's the nappy black cat with no hat”) VIDEO
--Wu Tang Clan- Triumph (“Hold the fuck up, I'll unfasten your wig, bad luck. I humiliate, separate the English from the Dutch.”) VIDEO
--Gravediggaz- Graveyard Chamber- (“'cause times is bad like luck, that's why I don't give a fuck.”)
--Cunninlynguists f/ Superstition- Filthy Nasty- (“Be damn if they as get it as long as I'm athletic. But with the bad luck I got seven years of bad credit.”)
--EPMD- Cummin At Cha- (“I found wack MC's camps and do em like Jason”)

Labels: ,

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Dutch Master

MC's be out like bank robbers
Fleeing the scene, to be a sole survivor...

Ubaldo Jimenez stuck his collective fingers in the Dutch team's dikes last night, as he tied them up to the tune of 10 strikeouts over four innings in the World Baseball Classic.

Granted, we aren't talking the 1927 Yankees at the dish, but it was quite impressive.

Yet, while Rockies' fans might be excited, we all know it just starts the wheels moving for the all-to-likely trade of Jimenez in 2011 or 2012 and the standard, "we're buliding for the future" excuse that'll undoubtedly accompany the trade from Rox management.

So, all you Yankees/Mets/Dodgers/big market fans take notice, your future ace was smoking a bunch of wooden clog wearing, windmilling, tulip growing chumps last night.

RELATED: Sean Price - "King Kong" - ("Dutch in my ear, Olde E in my palm, I Freddy Krueger your face, Michael Myers your moms")


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Rockets' Red Glare

My flow will take you over like it was hypnotism...

It has become situation critical down on Chopper Circle, as the Nuggets' lowly streak continues with a putrid loss to the Hoston Rockets. What is going on in Rocky's Liar?

-JR Smith has become a freestyling floppy rabbit. Smith has become Robert Pack 2.0 version 2009 (how appropriate Pack was in teh stands last night.) He is playing almost uncontrollable, looking more like a leaping ballerina on half of his drives to the hoop. Not exactly the most fluid player, and it would seem that Dahntay Jones would benefit getting more time. Jones is stronger on the defensive end and moves better without the ball.

-K-Mart and Anthony Carter's injuries are really hampering the team on the defensive end. K-Mart's presence in the post is sorely missed, as Nene is being worn down adn out side of Chris Anderson's shot blocking, the collection of big men is simply pedestrian. Drew Godden signing with San Antonio would've looked alot nicer signing in Denver. Perhaps not as glaring is Carter's presence and his affect on Chauncey Billups, who has looked sloppy at times. His extended minutes without Carter is wearing on the backcourt.

-Would it really be that horrible if George Karl showed some damn emotion on the bench? Maybe get on the refs a bit (the officiating over the last two games has been noticably inept), come with a sensible substitution pattern, and match the opposing coach's moves?

-Linas Kleiza isn't playing like a player in a contract year (hello, AC Roma!) and has nearly disappeared at times from the floor. Perhaps it is that the point guards aren't lookng for him or that his defender (typically the oppostion's #2 or #3) have figured out that he can either be out-finessed or out muscled.

-Someone go down to the Pepsi Center and remove the lids from the Nuggets' baskets. Or maybe it is shrink wrap? Either way, there's no way an NBA team can miss that many point blank baskets. Flush it down, big man, flush it down!
-RELATED: Method Man - "Judgement Day" - ("Who want them test rocket launcher, yes, Mr. Meth, hold the fort, most def'...")


Sunday, March 08, 2009

CO Rap Represent

You know the steez here at the SG: Colorado Sports, Beer, and Hip Hop. Given the excellent selection of fine beers available here in The Box State, sometimes the 'Colorado' mantra extends to the barley and hops sector. Unfortunately, Hip Hop and Colorado have rarely mixed here in the Gutter. Until now...

There are a bevy of talented MCs, DJs, and producers here in Colorado, and the Colorado Rap Report has highlighted a few of them in their latest compilation. Best yet, it is free. Check it.



Thursday, March 05, 2009

Son of Simms Lands in Denver

Yo I drink twenty forties, smoke forty blunts
Say a hundred rhymes and not sound like you once…

Coach McHoody is fast compiling a who’s who of most Fantasy Football league’s waiver wire players. In the fold are three bye week running backs: JJ Arrington, LaMont Jordan, and Correll Buckhalter. Throw in WR Jabar Gafney and QB Chris Simms, and you have some poor chump’s starting lineup in a when his starters are decimated by injuries and bye weeks and his league are going all dickhead and not trading their extras.

Simms is a huge upgrade over incumbent Patrick Ramsey, because as we discussed before, he’s not Patrick Ramsey.

Simms, who is adored here in CO for being quite the key player in handing the Buffs their only Big 12 Football Championship. His pappy is also the source of derision here in CO, as he decided to have a career day of all career days in the Giants’ Super Bowl win over the Donks. (Phil McConkey was also a starter for the Giants that day. That’s not really of any consequence except how cool is it to say ‘McConkey’ over and over. He had a TD that day too; thanks for that Joe Collier defense.)

Simms also carries on the Shanahan legacy as he has son-of-Shanny’s name tattooed on his body. No word if Gafney has Bill Belichick’s name tattooed on his ass.

RELATED- Outkast f/ Goodie Mob – “Git Up, Git Out” – (“In the middle school, I was a bigger fool, I wore with tank tops to show off my tattoo, thought I was cool.”)


Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Rolling McDyess

I frame my method, my method is apparent
I see clearly this world's transparent...

The Nuggets, sans Carmelo "I dictate my own playing schedule" Anthony, had a perfect opportunity to take a road contest in Detroit last night. A 12 point lead midway through the 3rd quarter with the home team on the ropes and everything roling the Nugs way.

Then, the dice were cast. Horrible pun, but great veteran play from our old friend Antonio McDyess got the Pistons back into the game and ultimatley the win.

McDyess opened up with his now-patented mid range jumpers and the Nuggets came up snake eyes. Damn, another crappy cliche.

On a side note: does Antonio McDyess ever age? Dude looks the same as he did 14 years ago here in Denver. He is the NBA Benjamin Button.)

The sad thing is that McDyess could've been showcasing his game for the Powder Blue Patrol right now, as he was part of the Chauncey Billups deal. However, he refused to be part of it and the Nugs meekly obliged, bought him out, and he returned to Detroit.

How nice would McDyess' game be in Denver right now? His jumper capability, veteran savvy, substitution capability for K-Mart, and limited low post game would be very nice in the stretch run. But management caved and actually bought out the player so he could stay in Detroit. Try going into your boss and say, "I don't want to be here" and ask if he will give you a lucrative severance package so you can sign with the competition.

No dice.

RELATED: The Roots - "Clones" - ("You traveled to the realm of Dice Raw...")


Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Donk Soap Opera

I gotta' get my props up and earn my respect
Gotta' shake someone up or throw 'em off the top deck...

Key figures in the current Donk's soap opera:

Jay Cutler: Being QB, there is an unwritten rule that you are the leader of the team. Acting like a spoiled brat makes you the lead punk. Refusing to meet with your boss would get most folks a quick pink slip, so it is in your best interest, your teammate’s best interest (who you profess a deep affinity for), and the fan’s best interest to meet with your boss air this thing out.

Matt Cassell: He is the one-hit wonder of the NFL; a modern day Scott Mitchell. He thrived in New England with a machine-like approach around him and a rigid coaching staff. How will he do in KC with a coach we last saw getting verbally pelted by his own wide receiver on the sideline?

Josh McDaniels: The mini-Hoody came in a jettisoned the entire defense, most of the coaching staff, and even a handful of popular offensive players. Yet, he still wanted to make his prison yard entrance and seek out the biggest, baddest dude on the block and shank him to let the rest of the team know who’s the man. To his credit, he is asking his QB to come by his office at Dove Valley for a mini-Pow Wow and some tasty snicker doodles as a way of saying “Im sorry.”

Another QB: Who really thinks that the Donks could actually trade Cutler and be alright at the position? The level of know-how in mini-Hood’s offense rivals linear algebra, so some young douche draftee from Party U wouldn’t make it past the first film session. The free agents out there are out there for a reason- their original team’s felt they were expendable. And Patrick Ramsey is, well, Patrick Ramsey.

Brandon Marshall:
Dude, seriously, get yourself a membership on match.com. That way you can get yourself a chick who you aren’t beefing with at five in the morning! They have all sorts of personality criteria to find you your perfect mate. While you are at it, sign up for a host of other internet games, because you are going to have a lot of free time on your hands, probably about eight weeks worth.

RELATED: Del The Funkee Homospaien - "Mistadoblina" - ("...with jeans and a dirty white hoodieseems like he wouldn't be a snake or would he?")