Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Taking the Fifth

I'm takin rappers to a new plateau, through rap slow
My rhymin is a vitamin, held without a capsule

After simmering down for about 24 hours after the Nuggets' pivotal loss to the Mavs last night (if this post would've been in the wake of the game it would've read something like: "Fuck fucking fuck. The Nuggets fucking lick ass. They will probably be fucking relegated to the D-League. Fuck")

Being the SG always looks at the bright side of things, perhaps the loss isn't as bad as it looks the morning after.

For instance, the five games in seven nights helped Malik Allen pick out a darling concrete dog statue in SkyMall. He's even holding a basket that you can plant real flowers in! (Seriously though, a back-to-back between Orlando and Dallas? Good thing Vancouver is no longer in the league and the Shanghai Sharks were already playing.)

Adrian Dantley might look clueless over this stretch, but he has been contacted by several mannequin companies who like his active, yet older sleek look. Assistant Chad Iske, who is the only coach who looks interested could see his value soar this summer. Perhaps Josh McDaniels will hire him as D-coordinator.

The Mavs keeping in their starters until late in the game and feeding Dirk the ball to get a triple double will be noted by the Nuggets. Think Dirk's canning of a late three and holding a "three" in the air wasn't mocking some Nugs' member with a 'NY' tat on his neck? (If you guessed Tim Grgurich, ooh, so close.)

Shawn Marion declaring himself Bruce Bowen 2.0 after the game can probably fall into the category of "we'll remember" too. And how can you forget Shawn Marion, his jumper is burned in the retina of Jerry West's perfect form.

With the rough patch behind, there's now three games in eight days. Chance to get settled back in Colorado, delete the stripper pictures from Toronto, heal K-Mart with a shaman's wand, convince the coaches to take a hard look at the substitution patterns, and plenty of film work. And if they don't then fuck fuck fucker, they'll fall to eighth damn place. All positive.

RELATED: Gangstarr - "You Know My Steez"


Friday, March 26, 2010

Caption Hawk

(Dan Hawkins was spotted in Boise this week, where he stopped by BSU practice to chat up his old buddy Chris Peterson)
"Dammit Pete, you sure you and Bill Bob Thornton aren't related?"
"Nice Tiger Woods hat Hawk."
"Me and Tiger are kindred souls"
"How so?"
"Tiger was screwing whores for years, and I've been screwing the CU Admin and fans for years."
"Wearing warm up pants around, eh, Hawk?"
"Shit, I can wear anything. Sometimes I wear an orange jockstrap and no pants. What are they gonna do? Fire me?"
"Say, what's that in the front of your pants Pete?"
"That's our game plan Hawk"
"Game what? Damn, you guys get all technical up here."
"Dang, four years back you were right Hawk. One of us did get to be a coach at a BCS program."


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Snow, The Slush, The Points

Burnin candles, all my other plans got canceled,
Man I smashed it like an Idaho potato...


-How to sum up the Nuggets' loss in Madison Square Garden last night? Maddening? Controversial? How about uninspired? Check the body language. Watch when things are down that you'll have three Nugget players trailing the play and not even enter the TV picture until 15 seconds left on the shot clock. Check a few seconds of solid D followed by some chump getting completely loose for a easy shot. Yes, the charge/blocking foul on David Lee was one of the worst calls of this NBA season (four point swing and takes the Knicks' best player out of the game. And have you seen a player outside of Carmelo who gets away with more forearm pushes while driving other than Lee?) Adrian Dantley's substitutions are head scratching (Melo and Chauncey on the bench while the Knicks open a nine point cushion.) Aron Affalo playing only in the three point corner in 75% of offensive possessions so you are effectively playing four on five. Some of these could be overcome by anyone playing with some fire and determination.

-Sadat X of Brand Nubian fame is the latest to release a "followup" to his best 90's solo offering with his release of Wild Cowboys II. The original was vastly underrated in the slew of mid-90s boom bap, but the hard core heads knew it was a quality offering. The newest installment finds a reinvigorated Sadat with a host of hardcore beats concocted from the likes of Pete Rock (the lead banger "Turn It Up" ), 9th Wonder, West Coast impressario Sir Jinx, and Diamond D. The entire album has that 1995 feel without sounding dated. Cameos on damn nearly every track from AG, Vast Aire (the Thanos' produced "Bargain With The Devil"), Rhymefest, and Ill Bill. For all the reunion heads, the Buckwild produced track "Long Years" has both Lord Jamar and Grand Puba reppin.
-Ya'll need to check my year end Beer Spot lists because the independent bar is slowly vanishing from the American landscape. How many of the quirky dives or pubs in your neck of the woods have shuttered? Despite the economy, the chain bars seem to move into neighborhoods at a breakneck pace. Word came this week that the Midwest good times/beer/family fun emporium Quaker Steak and Lube is moving into the Colorado market (more specifically their first spot will be in the SG Crew's area- adding to the chorus of "you gotta check out this place" when it opens from the Ed Hardy clad masses, who will move on the next "new" and "hot" spot a few months later. Meanwhile the venerable local hole is relatively d-bag free.)

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Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Spring Broken

Takin' off my coat, clearin' my throat
The rhyme will be kickin' it until I hit my last note...

Spring Practice has just wrapped up phase one in Boulder, with the team off this week for spring break. I never understood the whole "split" practice thing in Boulder with half of Spring Ball before and the other after the week off. Yes, I'm sure the team is running sprints and working out, studying film, and doing shuttles during the break. For some reason, this split practice thing goes back to the Mac days.

A Young Commish was chilling on a beach his senior year in faraway South Padre Island, surrounded by sun, boobs, and plenty of beer. Lots of beer. It seemed a world away from Boulder. And yet, who was there at the same spot? About half of the Buffs' offensive line, the all-conference QB, and a few defensive players. They only routes they were studying were the curves on the coeds and the quickest way to the beer line. (Quick notes on that trip- South Padre at that time was a sh*thole, it probably took until June to get the vomit smell out of everything. One of the cooolest things ever there was a drive-thru barn that was converted to a liquor store. Load up the Suzuki Samurai without even getting out!)

Dedication. And this is when they were competing for National and Conference championships.

Think it has changed in 2010? These are college kids, one can't expect them to not want to have fun and not want to live life for a week like an MTV "True Life" episode. But they are still athletes, and a week of debauchery and off-time (regardless of it's on the beach or spent playing Wii for six days at an apartment) means more time spent reconditioning and re-instilling rather than checking out Cal's likely third down packages. When you're limited, every day, every hour, on the field counts.

The simple solution is to have the enitre Spring Practice after Spring Break, you know during Spring? (I like to imagine Coach Hawk chilling at a mid-80s type Spring Break with that ridiculous lotion on his nose and a inner tube around his waist, oogling at some feathered hair chick with day-glo glasses on.) Then again, nothing under the current regime in Boulder has been easy, and no one can expect them to make things simple.

RELATED: Digital Underground- "No Nose Job" - ("Layin in the sun, string bikini between the buns of two cuties, still mackin...")


Friday, March 19, 2010

Mr Quinn, Can We Call You Q?

My mind won't allow me to not be curious
My folk don't understand so they don't take it serious...

If you thought that Coach McHoodie and the Donks had a comprehensive, point-by-point, detailed off-season plan, somewhere along the lines of the almost HAL-like working of his mentor in New England, you might be wrong.

Bring in a revamped DL. Cut your most productive linebacker (who wasn't earning any money). Sign your restricted guys to tender sheets. Trade for a former first round QB. Rearrange the office furniture to achieve Feng Shu. Get rid of the tater tots in the cafeteria.

The most curious move has no doubt been the trade to bring in Brady Quinn, who met with the assembled Denver hacks yesterday. (Oh we weep at the end of the Chris Simms' era though.) The plan at QB seems to be that there is no plan. What seemed as a clear cut plan that McD was following- ride Orton for two years while bringing in a 2010 draft pick- has gone up in Quinn's muscle bound arms. But does that translate to McD suddenly going batty batty batty and abandoning that plan?

The results from the combine might've forced McD to bring in a top draft pick from 2007 (Quinn) rather than a guy this year. Sam Bradford and his injuries, Jimmy Clausen and his receding hairline, Tim Tebow masquerading as a QB in a H-Back's body (three-time SG Award Winner JL Smooth has always maninted H-Back translates to "white fullback"), and a bunch of mid-round guys (Dan LeFevour is intriguing though he might be a longer project) weren't going to make the Donks a player in the AFC. And if McD has learned one thing in Our Fair State, it's that Donk fans are growing very impatient.

He knows he needs to win and the best chance to do that is with Kyle Orton in the system and some pressure behind him from someone who's last name doesn't rhyme with Miss Rims. Perhaps he still feels with the right coaching (Cleveland isn't exactly known for developing players in to all-pro mold) that Quinn could also be a factor. Quinn has more physical tools than Tom Brady ever has, perhaps even in his poon-catching ability, and McD was able to do wonders with Brady. Maybe there is a method to McD's madness...or maybe he really has no clue.

RELATED: X-Clan - "Funkin Lesson" - ("Space to exist, vibe in the midst of the chaos...")

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Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Everbody Beats The Wiz

If you try to take it, I got a big shillelagh
I don't have dreads cause I shave my head daily...

The Nuggets returned home last night and beat the lowly Washington Wizards. A few thoughts, insights, and SG observations from the game:

-That was the flattest the Nugs have looked in a long time. Fifth game in seven nights, near the season's end, with a handful of your key players on the bench, and everyone looking forward to Nene's St Paddy's Party (he makes the meanest Corned Beef.) Not one player brought any energy to the game. Even Steve Hess was caught napping on the bench (he was dreaming about squating 700 pounds.) Just one of those games in an 82 game schedule that you have to work extra hard to even want to play.

-Malik Allen: great player in his role right now at about 8-10 minutes, grab a few boards, hack a few big men on the other team. But Malik needs a makeover. I had to check the roster to make sure he wasn't pushing 50. That guy shows up at your door, do you say "damn, an NBA player is at my house!' Or do you say, "cool, the DirecTV repair man is here."

-What the hell is going on with Mike Miller? Long shorts, tights under them, mid-top shoes, and ankle socks. Yo Mike, you playing in the NBA or taking a bike ride in Moab?

-Did anyone else see the dude in the red Nugs' shirt sitting caddy corner (Mrs Commish has always insisted it is "kitty corner" not "caddy corner." Seriously, what do either of them mean? Did someone live perpendicular to a house full of stray cats or a bunch of Tiger Woods' pimps caddies in the day? I've heard other people say it is "catty" corner which also is a name of a movie I watched at my bachelor party) from the Nuggets bench? Holy crap, best white man's afro I've ever seen.

-The Wizards still have the worst logo in all professional sports (MLS and NHL don't count because how can you make an inspired logo for a team called the Lightning? I'm pretty sure it'll have to include, well, lightning, and there isn't too much artistic license with that.) Did Vance Johnson in 1986 design that logo? I know the old Wiz owner was an anti-gun advocate, and DC is a violence-plauged area, but time to go back to the Bullets moniker. If you can wear them for throwback night, just go full time. The old school hands reaching for the ball looks like the Good Times painting.

-Washington coach Flip Saunders just looked like he wanted to get straight on a plane and punch his GM in the face. A decent coach who signed on with a team with a strong nucleus of Antwan Jamison, Caron Butler, and Gilbert Arenas at the year's outset. Plus, he's a grown man named 'Flip'.

RELATED: The Afros - "Kickin Afrolistics"


Sunday, March 14, 2010

SG Bracket-mania!

In other words I'm official

I never go out like a wet piece of tissue...

While the college hoops and sports world have been on pins and needles with who gets in and who is left out of the NCAA Tourney, we here at the SG have been waiting and debating for the SG Tournament Challenge. Remember? The Commish and four time Slushy Gutter winner T-Dub have renewed their yearly bet; whoever has the crappier bracket has to dress as something or someone at a CU football game in the fall.

2008 saw The Commish win and T-Dub have to go all Mummy on us. 2009 saw T-Dub turn the tables and CH had to rock the Count Chocula outfit at Folsom Field. (Quick side note- CU record on dress-up day: 0-2)

Here's the 2010 edition and the agreed upon character? Hulk Hogan. Oh yeah, brother! Hulkamania will run wild on you this fall! No-talent daughter not required.

Of course SG readers, relatives, scornful co-workers, drunk bar buddies, and anyone with a pulse are invited to play along. Winner is declared the Hoops Ruler for an entire year and the rest of the field gets a folding chair to the face. All you need is a Yahoo ID; hoops know-how is optional.

Yahoo Slushy Gutter Brackets 2010


ID: 27625

Password: beer

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Thursday, March 11, 2010

Off The Head Like The Dunk Contest

The Nuggets win versus the Wolves last night wasn't really something to write home about (ie, Dear Mom: I was at the Target Center last night and had some cotton candy. The game was OK. Send money and clean underwear. Love, Pee Wee.) But it did provide a chance for dudes throughout the Rocky Mountain region to wake up their kids, give themselves a hemorrhoid, knock their head on a lamp, have an orgasm, cry, mimic the fans from an And-1 game, or punch their dog in the grill because of JR Smith's sick dunk. Damn. Where's that Preparation H?

RELATED: Smif N Weesun - "Bucktown" - ("...reality follows me where I roam 360 degrees back home.")


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

All You Can Eat

Some MC's wanted to buy me, so they try to take stands
But they don't understand, I'm the motherfuckin man...

The Donks did a great job over the last few days by beefing up their defensive line with the signings of former CU Buff Justin Bannan, Jarvis Green, and the behemoth known as Jamaal Williams, all "listed" 350 pounds of him. The Fat Boys are back! (Wouldn't it be great if the three of them showed up to Dove Valley ala The Fat Boys in Krush Groove? Rocking the satin jackets and Cazelle glasses, eating entire shanks of deli meat?)
Before singing Williams the Broncos also considereed signing:
-The million pound I-70 boulder.
-Andres Galaragga. They quickly realized they had the wrong "Big Cat" and got a refund on Andres' ticket.
-A trash truck.
-Jay Cutler's ego.
-Former NBAers Robert Tractor Trailer and Oliver Miller.
-That chubby USA bobsled guy. (Dude is actually pretty nimble on his feet. If he can bring the sled on the field, sign him up.)
-A bunch of the idiots who get selected to do the Sumo wrestling thing at Nuggets games.
-Refrigerator Perry...on roids.
RELATED : Tha Alkaholiks - "Make Room"


Tuesday, March 09, 2010

K-Mart's Blue Light is Out

Sleepin on your rhymes till I start to snore...

The collective exhale you heard from downtown yesterday came from the Pepsi Center, as the Nuggets got word that Kenyon Martin's knee wouldn't require season-ending surgery. On the flip side, the power forward will be shut down indefinitely. All we know is that he will return "sometime this season." Ah, thanks for the specifics.

Depending on how you look at this, it is the classic good news/bad news scenario. K-Mart will most likely be back in time for the playoffs, where the defense and intimidation factor is ratcheted up a notch and that's his MO. But will the knee be at 100%, at any level he was earlier this year or in last year's playoffs? Remember, K-Mart effectively got all up in Dirk's ass in last year's second round. (Maybe this knee injury thing was caused by our buddy Mark Cuban. Did Mark sneak into Kenyon's house and force him to be his DWTS partner? That's a huge step down from Julianne Hough.)

Plus there's this little playoff race thing. Those same Mavericks are getting all mavericky to the tune of 12 straight wins and a game lead on the Nuggets for the #2 seed. Your home town squad is facing two long road trips this March. Those pesky Jazz are still in the rearview mirror. And Kenyon always has the best Wii games to bring on the road too.

The Nuggets will have to mix and match to even come close to the production Kenyon was giving them. Johan Petro was effective versus an inept Blazers team on Sunday night; Malik Allen looks like the dude who switches out the rugs in the office, but can give you 4-6 minutes a night; and Joey Graham brought some energy earlier in the year. But even taped together with scotch tape, toothpicks, and rubber bands, the trio is still short of what K-Mart brings.

(Dont fear though, the Nuggs are talking to Brian Cook, Mark Blount, and Jake Voshkuhl. I'm not even going to make some lame joke about those three because, well, they're Brian Cook, Mark Blount, and Jake Voshkuhl.)

RELATED: Channel Live - "Mad Izm" - ("Don't mean to be blunt, but don't front)


Friday, March 05, 2010

Friday Funk: I Got It Made


-Ed had a cameo appearance in the film Juice, although it was uncredited. He played the new man of Raheem's baby mama Keesha. Ed is rolling hard in the film in a Nissan Sentra. Geo Storm passed on the free pub.
-I checked with my Cajun friends and "alligator souffle" isn't a common dish.
- "Make a million dollars every record that I cut." Damn, Ed had some bomb ass royalty points back in 1989.
-Real name: Ed Archer
-DJ Premier sampled the lyrics on Group Home's "Supa Star"
- "Treaty with Tahiti" Yes, unknown to many world scholars is that Ed did possess a great diplomatic skill. He negoitiated a treaty with the South Pacific island in which he got a percent of land and they got some Brooklyn bodega quarter waters.
-Ed appeared on an episode of The Cosby Show as the rapper JT Freeze. No relation to Kid Frost.
-The track samples a group named Ripple and their track "I Don't Know What It Is, but It Sure Is Funky" from 1973.
-Yes, Ripple, Fred Sanford's favorite drink. Go into your local liquor store and ask for ripple. Props to anyone that actually gets a clerk that knows what the hell it is.
-The track peaked at #9 on the Billboard Rap Singles Chart.
- "I got a dog with a solid gold bone." Those dudes from all the 1-800-Buy-Gold sites would be freaking out over that.
-While in college my homie Kid Ci$co took another song from this album, "Fly MC" and transcribed word for word for his poetry class. He received an "A". Apparently the professor had not been getting her Word Up magazines.
-Jay-Z references the track in "Empire State of Mind." Props to Hov for referencing an old school classic, but ironically Ed is a few years younger than Jay-Z.
-Ed was 16 years old when this video came out.
-Ed had a friendship with Malcom Jamal Warner of The Cosby Show, and MJW even directed his video "Im The Magnificent (Remix)"
-Ed included that remix on his second album Legal, I made a big deal about the record when it came out and went and bought it the first day it was available. Listening to it with some chick I was trying to get with (of course a young Commish knew all the words- it had been out since the prior year) but she was impressed, even saying "This CD just came out and you know the words?!" Damn straight, now get me a day glo comb to get this mullet straight.
- "I'm not a Puerto Rican but I'm speakin so that 'jou know'" Oh, I get it! All these years I thought it was a reference to Alaska's capital.
-For some reason, my folks used to let me make the outgoing answering machine message back in the day. The background music if you call the Commish House back in 1989? Damn, straight, "I Got it Made." No word if the business associate calling for Pops busted into the running man.
-The High School in the video is Erasmus Hall in Flatbush, Brooklyn.
-The producer on the track was Hitman Howie Tee and the entire album Youngets In Charge was released in May 1989.
-Howie's most popular rap single other than this might've been Chubb Rock's "Treat Em Right", but his most popular pop hit was none other than Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up"
-Special Ed was not considered to be a member of that group; although he did rap on the group's follow up single "I Adore Mi Amor" where he rocked a silk shirt and rapped in Spanish.
-I made that last part up.
-Ed raps "you burn me...really?" Ed was known to rock flame retardant jackets.

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Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Gifted Unlimited

Gangstarr's Guru is recovering after a heart attack earlier in the week. The good news is he is stabilized and should make a recovery. Been hearing mad Gangstarr comps on the nets and on the satellite radio since the news broke. Got me thinking about the heydey of Gangstarr, which was the double shot power of Daily Operation and Hard To Earn. Get well Guru...take it personal.


Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Iced Down

Was it with the whip appeal or my baby face?

Did you watch the Gold Medal Hockey Game!? Oooooh, how fun! It had me on the edge of my seat! So exciting and fast, so wide open, so much drama! If only there was a daily version of that game played so that I could watch it all the time!
This is what the media talking heads/keyboards will be attempting to figure out in the wake of the US silver medal, the typical "how can we take that excitement into the rest of the NHL season?"
Last night was a perfect example of how not to do it. Red Wings at the Avs, about 24 hours after the medal ceremony. A healthy number of Olympians, including US and Av player Paul Stasny. a decade later, Avs-Wings might still pique the interest of those who remember the heydey of Patrick Roy's cracked grill from treating Wing goalies like doors at his house.
During the day leading up to the game, no ads in the paper or online hyping the game. Nothing along they lines of "check out Team USA stalwart Brian Rafalski!" Sports talk radio? Nary a mention of the game. Spam email didn't even get a sniff, and I know the Avs have my address, being the big puckhead that I am. Hell, send Craig Anderson to the intersection near my house twirling one of those arrow signs.
Even if I wanted to check the game, I couldn't. The NHL and their main broadcast partner, Versus are in a pissing match with DirecTV and we don't get the channel. ESPN has six channels and yet the NHL is relegated to the rodeo and bike riding channel? (I wasn't too broke up about missing the Av game, as you all know I check the weirdoes on A&E's "Hoarders" every Monday. Holy crap, last night's couple were straight looney.)
I know, alot of these are old complaints about the NHL, but they this isn't hockey 101, it's marketing 101. The simple fact is you can't ride the Olympic hockey momentum, it isn't possible with a early March Predators-Panthers game. (Want to capture the excitement of the Gold Medal Game? Then just play Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Finals the very next day.)
RELATED: EPMD - "The Big Payback" - ("So saddle up MC's, and off we go, it's not a rodeo...")