2014 on the Scene: Best CO Sports Moments

1 – PFM and Pot Roast come up big as Broncos beat the Patriots and advance to their seventh Super Bowl.

2 – Broncos get a bit of redemption from the Raven debacle by beating the Chargers and moving on to the AFC Championship.

3 – The CU Buffs men’s hoops team gets selected to their third straight NCAA tourney

4 – Peyton Manning breaks Brett Favre’s all time TD record in a game versus San Fran.

5 – Rockies clean their front office house and get rid of Dan O’Dowd and Bill Geivett.

6 – CU Buffs win a road game against the mighty UMass Minuteman in Foxboro.

7 - Avs and new coach Patrick Roy reclaim the Central Division title and return to playoffs.

8 - Kenneth Faried makes the all-tourney team as the USA claims gold at the World Hoops Cup.

9 - Vail’s Mikaela Shiffrin stars at the skiing portion of the Sochi Olympics.

10 – Broncos clinch the AFC West for the fourth straight year by beating the Chargers in San Diego.

BACK TO THE ESSENCE:

2013 Best
2012 Best of
2011 Best
2010 Tops
2009 Tops
2008 Best
2007 Tops
2006 Best

Hall of Joe

Joe Sakic into the Hall of Fame. That's a no-brainer. Great player, great leader, even better guy. Will the old school Avs be in effect for the ceremony? Bob Hartley and his stories of being a glass plant worker? Patrick Bitter Roy will probably be there pissed off about something. Maybe Doug Gilour will show up to take another ass whuppin. Peter Forsberg will be there only if there is an abundance of model looking chicks in short skirts. Maybe Mike Ricci will be there just because everyone like him when he was the "goofy" one. Who won't be there? Joe's snowblower. Could've got a few more goals from old Super Joe if not for that fucker.

RELATED: Strictly Roots f/Grand Puba & Fat Joe - "Beg No Friends"

Foote Out The Door

Look at mama baby boy actin like he grown No time for sleep, I gets deep as a baritone

Avs defenseman Adam Foote will announce his retirement today. The majority of Denver sports fans didn't even know that he still plays for the Avs.

We all know the Avs glory days, sellout streak, and high TV ratings are a thing of the past, but we've gone a step beyond where the team is a strong #4 in the market and dangerously close to being #5 with the Rapids moving on up.

We salute Foote and his 30 years in the NHL; he goes back to the Quebec days when most of Colorado thought a Nordique was a ski run at Vail. Two Stanley Cups and gold medal should cement him in the rafters, and the fact he is staying in the community unlike the two other rafter dwellers might bring him more shine. (Or that he played 17 years, not 1 1/4 like Ray Borque, who's jersey...err...sweater is retired. One of the first of the cheesy Av moves.)

Here is the best defensive backstop in recent NHL history, plying his game with the NHL's worst team. Rather than gearing up for a playoff run before retirement, he'll skate away in front of 11,000 diehards and a TV audience tuned into the NBA. Thanks to bad trades, lame gimmicks, a complete inability to find a goalie the last decade, and lackluster marketing, Foote will walk away without barely a poke check.

RELATED: Fu Schnickens - "La Schmoove" - ("No expiration date, so you know I won't expire, No skippin a weekly check, so I don't have to retire.)

Geography Is Just A Big Word For The Avs

You ain't a convict, you got caught jaywalking
And you don't know the alphabet, but you still talking

Peter Forsberg is coming back to the Avs. Stop if you've seen or heard this before. While importing the Swedish star (new nickname: the Volvo?) most likely won't vault the Avs from below the playoff Mendoza Line (Mendauex Linne?) it will unleash thousands hundreds tens a few extra seat buyers at the Pepsi Center.

But the puzzling thing about his re-signing is the way the US government is making him reenter the country in order to get the proper visa. OK, great, the government isn't exactly known for eliminating red tape and overall effienciency (damn, I just lost all the readers who worked at a DMV.)

The Avs were in Phoenix when they learned of this fact. And they promptly decided to send Forsberg to Calgary and reenter the US from there. Phoenix to Mexico: about two hours. Phoenix to Calgary: halfway across the continent. And I'm sure there are tons of direct flights between those two cities, being that they share so many commonalities. Apparently maps or GPS aren't a tool utilized by the Avs to go along with their lack of defense and steady goaltending.

RELATED: Three Times Dope - "Funky Divdends" - ("shouldn't be used as a personal Visa card on the strength")

Groundhog Day

Groundhog Day in Slushy Gutter Land:

-Carmelo Anthony sees his shadow, the Nuggets don't trade him for six weeks. Which happens to be past the deadline, and David Stern penalizes them by awarding them Oliver Miller.

-Tim Tebow doesn't see his shadow. He decides to make up for it by erecting a giant tent to shelter the central US from the snow storm.

-Peter Forsberg is making a comeback. Seems like we've seen that before.

-Remember in the movie where Bill Murray demolishes his radio after hearing Sonny and Cher for the umpteenth time? I want to do that whenever I hear Wacka Flocka Flame.

-Chris Anderson and Kenyon Martin inked a vicious groundhog dunking a ball on their backs.

-If you are in Groundhog Day and get super f*cked up everynight do you have a hangover the "next" day? Just wondering.

-When John Fox watches the film today of the Donk defense he might be so depressed he'll eat the groundhog.

-Today is also National Signing Day; John Embree's top recruit at CU? Ned Ryerson.

RELATED: Keith Murray - "Get Lifted"

'10 Again: Top CO Sports Moments

1-Just a handful of teams have never had a no-hitter, and the Colorado Rockies, forever pitching deficient and playing in a slap happy park, seem destined to be mired on that list for eternity. Until a non-descript April night when Ubaldo Jiminez absolutely dealt a variety of heat to the Atlanta Braves for the franchise’s first non-no.


2-CU students say it best: We Black Out. In an electric environment versus a SEC power, the Buffs held on during a game that honored the 1990 National Championship for a 29-27 win over the Dawgs. UGA WR AJ Green made some spectacular plays in the contest, but LB BJ Beatty clinched it late with a forced fumble.


3-Tebow mania hit its apex in a post-Christmas Day game that saw Tim Tebow rally the team from a 17 point deficit and scamped in for the game winning TD with three minutes left. All year could be Tebow-worthy, from the draft to training camp to his Wildcat formations.



4-Down by nine runs in the ninth inning? That’s a “let’s get to the car early” moment. On a June night, the Rockies stormed back from the deficit and won 12-9 on a Seth Smith 3–run walkoff homer by Seth Smith. Aided by Cardinal walks and an error, the Rockies etched their biggest 9th inning comeback ever.


5-The CU nation knew it needed to emerge from the mess of the Hawkins’ years with a coach who would bring the fandom together. It got that with their “family” pick of former tight end and Coloradoan Jon Embree. The new head man immediately sent the message that CU was in the business of back to winning.


6-The Avs qualified for the NHL playoffs as a #8 seed and played toe to toe with the San Jose Sharks early in their first round series. An own goal by the Sharks in Game Three gave the Avs a series lead and had people talking hockey in the region for the first time since the early decade
glory years .


7-It’s been awhile since the fair state of Colorado won a championship, and thanks to the Colorado Rapids on a frigid night in Canada, we have our latest. A pretty decent MLS CUP saw the Rapids rally for a 2-1 win over FC Dalas and bring the title to Colorado.



8-For years there was an undercurrent that the west-leaning University of Colorado needed the Pac 10 conference (and vice-versa) and in June the school became it's 11th member. CU joins a conference that it fits into culturally, academically, socially as it leaves the Texas-centric Big 12 behind.


9-Vail's own Lindsey Vonn went into the Winter Olympics in Vancouver as America’s new “it” girl. She delivered with gold in the downhill and a bronze in the Super G. Equally important, we got to see more pictures of her in snow bunny bikinis for the next few months. USA! USA! USA!



10-Carmelo had brought the Nuggets a Tourney of the Americas and Olympic gold, but one of Colorado’s own, Chauncey Billups, brought the state a World Championship Gold this summer. Chauncey was a veteran presence and starting point guard on the USA’s first Championship since 1994.


CO SPORTS BACK IN THE DAY:
2009 Tops
2008 Tops
2007 Tops
2006 Tops

Smooth Ice

Breath smelling like cinammon...

Since I jumped off the Avs bandwagon earlier in this decade, I'm not going to give you too much info and breakdown on the team (unlike the Rockies/MLB, where I advised the Brewers to buy some drapes. That's hard hitting there.)

However, I still have my worn out Adam Deadmarsh (the only player to ever have his name misspelled on the Stanley Cup. "Ooops, sorry about that Adam. We'll white it out for you with a sodering gun.") t-shirt and a small smidge of hockey know-how. Like many other once-passionate puck fans here in Colorado I've tuned in the last few games to check on the team all the mulleted freak experts (hello, Melrose) picked to finish last in the conference. And what do you know, this group of dog butt puckers is safely in the NHL playoffs.

Granted they're in as the #8 seed and will probably get their asses handed to them by the Sharks (I used to rock a San Jose Sharks hat in the early 90s. I couldn't tell you one player on the team then. I couldn't tell you more than on player on the team now not named after a North Metro Denver suburb now) in round one, but they are in regardlesss.

But what I see with this team is very talented youth: Matt Duchene especially, along with TJ Galiardi and Ryan O'Reilly, and the only Jamaican in the NHL, Chris Stewart, who looks more like a linebacker than a forward. (Galidari, O'Reilly, and Stewart? Didn't they handle your uncle's case when he fell off the bench at Elitch's and he tried to sue them?) Of course, you have crafty veterans in Milan Hedjuk and Adam Foote (is "crafty" a term that really means over-the-hill? Everytime I hear "crafty" associated with a player I think of Gary Payton in a Celtics uni pulling the jersey of whatever guard is scorching him down the court.) My trained eye tells me goalie may be the final piece. Craig Anderson is servicable (another term for "he'll do until something better comes along." Kind of like that girl in college you were banging until your main chick came back from her schoool that summer. Funny thing, you were also the "servicable" dude until her guy came back for summer too. Now don't you feel cheap?) but he looks worn out an incapable of stealing any games in the playoffs. If there's some young goalie in the Av pipeline, we could expect to see him as the Avs climb the ladder. Again, we're so hard hitting here at the SG but I really don't want to take the 30 second Google search to see who the young goalie is.

Ice, we're all about it here at the Slushy Gutter. As long as it's in my drink. (Side note: More hard hitting analysis: My favorite part of the NCAA Hoops Championship was the fact it was Duke versus Butler, because that sounds like a 1980's soap opera star. "Duke Butler." Can't you see Duke Butler trying to poison Blake Carrington or blowing up one of JR Ewing's oil rigs? That damn Duke Butler! When I broke down Duke Butler's mischievious, yet dashing and cunning ways to Mrs. Commish she simply asked "have you been drinking?")

(Another side note: I was going to name this post some takeoff of 'Ice Ice Maybe' or 'Ice Ice Stasny' but even 20 years later, I don't want to give that clown any dap.)

RELATED: King Sun - "Be Black" - ("Name one city. Uh, Jamaica.")

Iced Down

Was it with the whip appeal or my baby face?

Did you watch the Gold Medal Hockey Game!? Oooooh, how fun! It had me on the edge of my seat! So exciting and fast, so wide open, so much drama! If only there was a daily version of that game played so that I could watch it all the time!

This is what the media talking heads/keyboards will be attempting to figure out in the wake of the US silver medal, the typical "how can we take that excitement into the rest of the NHL season?"

Last night was a perfect example of how not to do it. Red Wings at the Avs, about 24 hours after the medal ceremony. A healthy number of Olympians, including US and Av player Paul Stasny. a decade later, Avs-Wings might still pique the interest of those who remember the heydey of Patrick Roy's cracked grill from treating Wing goalies like doors at his house.

During the day leading up to the game, no ads in the paper or online hyping the game. Nothing along they lines of "check out Team USA stalwart Brian Rafalski!" Sports talk radio? Nary a mention of the game. Spam email didn't even get a sniff, and I know the Avs have my address, being the big puckhead that I am. Hell, send Craig Anderson to the intersection near my house twirling one of those arrow signs.

Even if I wanted to check the game, I couldn't. The NHL and their main broadcast partner, Versus are in a pissing match with DirecTV and we don't get the channel. ESPN has six channels and yet the NHL is relegated to the rodeo and bike riding channel? (I wasn't too broke up about missing the Av game, as you all know I check the weirdoes on A&E's "Hoarders" every Monday. Holy crap, last night's couple were straight looney.)

I know, alot of these are old complaints about the NHL, but they this isn't hockey 101, it's marketing 101. The simple fact is you can't ride the Olympic hockey momentum, it isn't possible with a early March Predators-Panthers game. (Want to capture the excitement of the Gold Medal Game? Then just play Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Finals the very next day.)

RELATED: EPMD - "The Big Payback" - ("So saddle up MC's, and off we go, it's not a rodeo...")

Golden Silver Bullet

Take it as a warnin cause I'm hopin that you don't diss
But get a load of this, it's at your own risk...

Hockey doesn't get much play here at the SG, and women's hockey gets absolutely no shine...until now. The Canadian Women's Hockey squad beat their US counterparts in the Olympic Gold Medal game last night (gee, Canada and USA in the Gold Medal Game? Next thing you'll tell me is that UConn and Tennessee will play in the NCAA Women's Final) with the Canadians taking the gold.

The focus of the win quickly went from the actual victory to the Canadians post-game celebration, when they went back on the ice with beers, champagne, and cigars and proceeded to ham it up for a bit. Look close at the pictures. The beers they are drinking? None other than Colorado's own smooooooooooth Coors Light. Take that LaBatts, you overbrewed heavy piss-water. (For some reason when I was 9 or 10 years old, I rocked a Moosehead t-shirt. My Dad gave it to me and I wore it to school all the damn time. Think that would ever fly nowadays? Go Pops!) There's a damn good chance those Canuck gals are swilling some Rocky Mountain Goodness brewed by a SG Alum. Take that and your inability to pronounce the letter "u" correctly back to Alberta!

On a side note: chicks playing hockey, drinking Coors Light? 1997 Commish and crew say dial us up ladies. Ow! Secondly, the champagne consumption has every major rap video producer looking to cast them in an upcoming project.

As a proud American, I'm bummed that the US lost. As a proud Slushy Gutter Crew member, I have my own private redemption.

RELATED: LL Cool J - "Pink Cookies" - ("...and I will appear my dear with a beer")

But We're Not The Beetles

I love my young nation, groovy sensation

No time for hibernation, only elation

If you have had the chance to visit the mountains lately, you may have noticed the landscape a bit different than the days of your youth or the picturesque post cards you used to get from Uncle Harold. No, they still let those skanks ski in their swimsuits, so don't be alarmed. It's the trees, stupid. They are being reduced to no more than giant toothpicks shooting from the ground, dead and gone. The culprit? Beetles, pine beetles to be exact.

Acres and acres of trees have been decimated by the tiny insects and there hasn't been much to check the little buggers push through the forest. But now, some braniacs have floated the possibility that blaring sounds of the beetles own noises might actually drive the beetles nutso. I tried that with Kid and Play once, but it didn't work.

The SG has some suggestions from the CO sports realm which also could be played to the beetles that might halt their feeding frenzy:

-Play Dan Hawkins trying to justify why the beetles are eating the trees. Dan would turn the whole thing into the beetles are actually "good kids" and that they can't be faulted because when the beetles got to the forest the whole thing "was burned to the ground."

-The crowd noise from a Avs' home game. The emptiness would be so horrifying, leaving the beetles feeling lonely.

-Jay Cutler's new CD: Passing With Jay. The beetles will fly directly into the mouths of predators rather than to new trees.

-Have JR Smith bring up any recorded sound to play for the beetles. That will accomplish nothing, but JR's "body language" and demeanor will rub off on the beetles. Ultimately, Coach Karl will suspend the beetles.

-Whatever noise Josh McDaniels was making after the Donks beat the Pats and he was wigging out on the sideline. The beetles will get super confident, but subsequently under perform in the months that follow.

RELATED: Big Daddy Kane - "Aint No Half Steppin" - ("Competition, I just devour")

SG Festivus 09

Once again, the SG celebrates a Festivus for the rest of us! Gather 'round the aluminum pole!

The Airing of Grievances- because I've got a lot of problems with you people!

-Dan Hawkins, you have disappointed me in more ways than there are minutes in the day. If I were to list all the ways your have let me down, the negativity could send the world into chronic depression. Quickly though: the Zen crap, the cutesy sayings and all that vernacular? Cut that out. If I wanted some inspiration, I'll go to the calendar shop at the mall.

-Mike Bohn, you have disppointed me in the following ways: see above. You are the one responsible for keeping this dude (allegedly.) If you weren't the ultimate arbitor in Danny Boy's retention, then I got a problem with that too! In fact, I got a problem with the whole lot of you up there in Boulder! Just what in the good name of Rashaan Salaam's bong is going on?

-Kyle Orton, you have disappointed me the past year not by your QB play, or by your leadership, nor your classy dealings with the fans and media. No, Kyle, you let me down because you haven't been spotted anywhere in Our Fair State cavorting with buxom young women or sucking down mass amounts of alcohol. Dammit, Kyle, mix in a beer bong or something.

Feats of Strength-

-Dan Hawkins, you have to pin me. Granted you have about 50 pounds on me, but your inability to teach any technique of tackling, footwork, or basic football prowess makes me confident you cannot take down my skinny ass.

-JR Smith, you have to try to avoid a tattoo parlor. You too Birdman.

-Avs' fans, try to pry a few bucks from your bank account and go see the first place team.

-Eddie Royal, I want to see you just kick the crap out of the people in those miserable Taco Bell commercials with you. Just pummel them.

Human Fund cards for-
-Jay Cutler- He also tried to give me one but it got intercepted by Edna in accounting.


-Matt Holiday- Money for People is the motto. I see the money for this person being offered is less than what the Purp offered him two years back.

-Josh McDaniels- Turn the card over and try to diagram an effective short yardage play.


-Dan Hawkins- Money for People- mainly for your buyout in 2010.

The Points Wit Da Quickness

From brand new to tatterred and torn
This place is Jimmy crack corn
My sh-ts Mazola
Your style's kiddy like Crayola...

CO SPORTS:
--Hey, there's a team that was picked to finish last in their league that is currently rolling through the competition and in first place, surprising everyone! Name them. The Denver Broncos!? Awww, so close, except they play on ice! The Denver Ice-Broncos!? No, they play with a lot of Canadians. The Denver Broncos, eh!? No, they play with a small rubbber puck instead of a football. The Denver Mini Rubber Broncos!? No, they are a hockey team. The Denver Bronco Hockeys!? Never mind. Your Colorado Avalanche are rolling early and are in first place after the first three weeks of the season with a solid young core and timely goaltending. No word if they too will wear mustard throwback unis though.

HIP HOP:
--Anti Pop Consortium returns after a long break in the game with their new release, Flourescent Black. What immediately grabs this hard-to-the-core-boom bapper with this release is that if you remove the lyrics the beats and music might remind you of a mid-90s rave. But that is a good thing in this case, as APC blends banging drums (the track "Timpani"), synth sounds, and a multi-layered approach by beat-meister Earl Blaize. Yet, you cannot discount the lyrics from M Sayyid and High Priest on standout tracks like "Superunfrontable" and "New Jack Exterminator" as both MCs come off with precision.


BEER:

--Who doesn't love a cold beer in the morning, then stretching into the lunch hour and lasting into the early afternoon? Most of the world is feverishly working away while you're pounding an ice cold one. Even better when they are under $2 a pop for some Rocky Mountain Goodness. That's what the Lohi Steak Bar in Denver has come up with from 11am to 2pm, the beer slacker's paradise. Come with under 10 bucks, leave with a wicked buzz and the rest of the afternoon to get those TPS reports done.

Milk Is Chillin

Denver icon Chauncey Billups joined the ranks of those immortalized with a band of milk across their lips (get your mind out of the porn world SG fiends) with his very own 'Got Milk' ad. Props to Chauncey for once again repping the community and doing the good work for the people. The Milk folks actually considered some other Colorado sports figures for their ad, and the Slushy Gutter go the list:

-Mike Bohn- An off-shot of the 'Got Milk?' theme would've been 'Got Cream?' and would've featured the Colorado AD trolling Folsom Field with a metal detector in an effort to come up with extra change to buy out Coach Hawk.

-Kyle Orton- Milk executives deemed that his beard fit the classic cliche "rub some milk on it and let the cat lick it off" and squashed the DOnk QB's ad.

-Birdman- Chris Anderson was a bit amped when his name came up for the ad and prematurely went out and had a milk moustache tatted on his lip.

-Brandon Marshall- Milk execs tried to applie 2% milk to his lip since he only has been practicing half ass.

-Joe Sacco- Everyone was ready until he showed up at the shoot and they assumed he was Joe Sakic's driver. When he said, "no I'm Joe Sacco, the Avalanche coach" everyone was confused and finally Morty the security guard had to chase him out.

-Josh McDaniels- When asked 'Got Milk?' Josh simply replied "no, I don't, but if he fits into our environment and can help us win ball games, we will take a look at him."

RELATED: Audio Two - "Top Billin"

It's Serious in September

I cold chill at a party in a b-boy stance
And rock on the mic and make the girls wanna dance

The month of September looks to be a crucial one for all of our fair state's major teams. By October 1, what we we know?

-BRONCOS- The convergence of an ineffective offense, injuries, rumors (Pat Bowlen may have "forgot" that Jay Cutler called him?), Brandon Marshall, and stale popcorn at Invesco have lead to huge negativity coming from Dove Valley. As lifelong Donk fans, we haven't quite seen this level of gloom and doom since the pre-Elway years. September was to be the "easy" portion of the schedule with winnable games versus the Bengals, the Browns, and the Raiders. Lose all three of those, and the Donks could be looking at an NFL-worst record.

-BUFFS- The season's first month will see the Black and Gold favored in each one of their games. Each one is a unique "trap" game that Hawk's crew can't overlook: the always feisty opener versus the Sheep; a game at Toledo just a scant five days later; and a matchup with Wyoming, who's new coach lit up the Buffs as Mizzou's offensive coordinator the last three years. October 1 will see the Buffs again on national TV at West Virginia, and a 3-0 record could add huge luster to that tilt.

-ROCKIES- Not since the 1995 Wildcard run have the Purp entered September in the thick of the race, both the division and WC. With the majority of their games at home versus teams playing out the proverbial stretch, the Rox have a golden opp to seize the postseason- or gag it away. Nestled in the home schedule is what will most likely determine their fate, a nine game mid-September march through San Diego, San Francisco, and Arizona.

-AVS- The post-Sakic era begins with the local ice hockey team assembling for camp. Can their new staff get a cast of youngsters and plug-ins to mesh? If they can steal some early points, the young Avs could muster a confidence and swagger to make a push for a eight seed. Or they might stumble early, mid-season, and late-season to add anothe rhigh draft pick to the ranks.

-NUGGETS- The hoopers dont have anything scheduled for September, but is the team working hard to erase last season's West Finals disappointment? A even fitter Melo with increased strength could be key with the Nugs again light on the big men. Will Birdman, with his fat contract be more lax this off-season? If September sees a healthy Nene and K-Mart coming into October camp, the front line again could ease concerns. And will the front office use September to send out feelers to bring in more help, especially since their WC rivals did all summer.

-SLUSHY GUTTER- The onset of football season and the baseball pennant race has the collective livers screaming "ahhhhhhhhhh!" Or is it "thank you sir, may I have another?"

RELATED: Leaders of the New School - "What's Next" - ("Sunrise to sunset, yes you will remember, born on the 19th day of September.") and Nine - "Any Emcee" - ("Like C. Boogie Brown I was born on the 19th day of September, Nine: the number one contender!")

Sports Today is Yawn

You really make me sick with ya fraudulent behavior,
You're gonna make me flip and then an army couldn't save ya...

Today is arguably the lamest day in the sporting year. In an effort to keep the pages full, the SG has sent top notch correspondents to check on these CO Sports story on this down day.

ATLANTA- Brandon Marshall's house. Ring doorbell. Drop hefty sack of Big Mac wrappers labeled "money for B-Marsh". Run. Watch him open door and smile when he sees bag. Chuckle as he opens bag and cries like a little girl.

DENVER- Again, these Colorado Outlaws people are having an all-star game. If they are a motorcycle gang, stay clear of the stadium area. If they are old rum running bootleggers, grab a jug and mosey on down!

ST LOUIS- Check Carl Crawford's glove to see if it is a goalie glove. Missed it by Nelly's diamond earring length, Brad. Damn near sea-level ball park.

SWEDEN- Avs traverse halfway around the world to get a new goaltender. The big question is he the fifth member of ABBA?

LAS VEGAS- Ty Lawson has an off night debut for the Nugs. Hmmmm, young ballers, new money, Vegas? Seems like a perfect place to expect a player's best basketball.

FRANCE- Garmin Slipstream is a Boulder based cycling team and performing quite well in the Tour...and big up to my french vanillas, parlez vous, Francais, mi amor, merci, oui oui, bon bons and all that good stuff.

No Mo Joe

Designated to self-destruct
Knocked around like a hockey puck...

The Joe Sakic Love Fest that is happenning in our fair state right now is well deserved. Yes, we all know about the 96 Conn Smythe, the clutch playoff goals, the NHL leading stats, his performance in the 02 Gold Medal game, his pummeling of Doug Gilmour, passing the Cup right to Ray Borque, his battle with snow-removal products, emerging from the smoke before half a million fans with Colorado's first major championship hardware.

But most of the stories about Joe are of his humble nature, his accomodating nature to fans, his polite demeanor, and general "one of the guys" attitude.

Count me in with those stories, as one of my first NHL experiences invloved Super Joe. It was 1996 and I had just been hired to work security for the Avs' first Stanley Cup run. Game One of the playoffs versus the Canucks and I was stuck at the end of a stair case that lead to the Zamboni area. My instructions were as follows: "Dont let anyone back here that doesn't belong." Like most of Colorado, I was just jumping on the Avs' bandwagon, and I didn't know Joe Sakic from Joe Piscopo.

And then here comes this guy, down the stairs with two Gatorade bottles, dressed in some ratty sweats that would make Tyrone Biggums proud. His hair looks like he's been sleeping all afternoon, five o'clock shadow, and a pair of $1 flip flops. In my new found security role, I'm ready to throw this guy right back into the soup kitchen. Plus my security uniform makes me look like a cross between the Orkin man and a Navy Admiral. Tough.

A coworker leans over to me and says, "that's Joe Sakic, he's OK." I looked at him with a "Joe who" look on my face and being the hockey snob he was (there was a lot of those types in the mid 90s) he says "the captain...of the Avalanche."

Joe approached us and smiled, offered a hearty "hello" and "how you doing?" He even thanked me when I "let" him go by. One his way into the bowels of McNichols Arena it was more of the same with greetings for all the $7 an hour peeons.

Years later, I still remember the night and how it contrasted with the various ahole athletes, administrators, and entertainers I encountered over the next few years doing that same job. That could be a entire post in itself.

Good luck to Joe. There's a place on Colorado's Rushmore waiting for him.

RELATED: Fat Joe - "Flow Joe"

Avs Nab Their Man?

All across the room, on the ceilings and the walls too

Punk muthafuckas didnt know I had the balls to...

Wanted: One General Manager of a National Hockey League franchise-

Expert understanding of the game of hockey not required. Intimate knowledge of hockey players throughout the world, from international leagues, high school teams, junior programs, and minor league teams not necessary. Knowledge of the rules of the game, strategy, and hockey locker room dynamics is minimum.

Preferred candidate should be a graduate of a preppy Colorado high school, where candidate did not play hockey (preferably because it wasn’t offered as a sport.) Candidate should have excelled at baseball in both high school and in a college setting. Some work in accounting for toity firm is an added plus. Retail and accounting work is a must.

Candidate must demonstrate the ability to be puppeteered by upper management and intimidated by peers who have hockey flowing in their blood lines. mUst be able to negotiate a muddied financial situation with players and contracts due to the inability of a pervious GM with similar attributes as successful candidate.

Love of Celine Dion is an absolute requirement.

RELATED: EPMD f/Redman - "Symphony 2000" - "Papi chul, slayin crews in ICU, Battlin, usin hockey rules..."

LaCroix Says You're Fired

I have a quest to have the mic in my hand
Without that, it's like Kryptonite and Superman...

People that Pierre LaCroix wanted to fire yesterday but for one reason or another couldn't pull the trigger:

-Renaldo Balkman- I know those long hairs in the fruit and jello salad from the Pepsi Center cafeteria are from him!

-Peter Budaj- I never liked that damn dangling 'J' at the end of your name. That and your average goaltending just rubs me the wrong way.

-Stan Kroenke- He likes soccer, now he is all into his precious basketball team. How about a corner kick in the balls, Stan? Oh wait, he signs my checks, damn!

-Joe Sakic- Improper snow blower saftey and use really chaps my hide!

-Peter Forsberg- Globetrotting around the world, banging hot chicks, playing hockey whenever he feels like it. I hate people without spleens!

-Pepsi Center Concessions- A glass of red wine for $9? That is a glass? Where I come from that is called a Dixie Cup.

-Ben Guite- You lead the team in plus/minus at two. Two?! And your name is Ben Guite? Is that the French Ben-Gay?

-Jim Tracy- Ah hell, just fire every lackey that comes through that crap organization over on 20th and Blake.

-Commish CH- Two weeks in and no beer count? You freaking deadbeat.

Roy to the Rescue?

Verbal attack is actual fact

Tactical tracks match perfectly with graphical stats
Half a you lack the magical dap of tragical rap...

Word is leaking out that the nearly idolized Patrick Roy has been offered to the Colorado Avalanche head coaching spot. Probably a few problems with that job offer, the main one being that the Avs’ have a head coach right now, but hey, who pays attention to details across the hall from the NBA’s Western Conference finalists?

If any attention was paid over the last few seasons, they’d see mismanaged contracts that have put the local hockey club in a significant hole to dig (ice pick?) their way out.

Now President and chief French-Canadian in charge wants his former fiery goalie to get the team playing the right way on the ice. Ah yes, hiring a former goalie when the team was dead last in offense. Again, just details, oui?

Perhaps piping in some fellow Francophone Celine Dion to the practice rink will lead to more goals. The soothing sounds of Celine always loosen me up. “All by Myself” as in by yourself in last place.

Roy would come in, yell a bunch of crap in French, whine about some shit, probably start a few brawls, perhaps skate on the ice to score that elusive NHL goal he never got. A couple tickets might be sold so you can watch a guy with a rolled up piece of paper stand behind dudes with skates. Exciting!

Maybe he can bring in Jeremy Roenick to fire up the squad, since the two of them exchange holiday bundt cakes. Chris Osgood is still goalie in Detroit, he could fight him, suit guy versus full goalie guy. Patty rolling behind the bench with the blood dripping down his face, all mad faced.

Point is, Roy has about as much business being coach as the next hot NHL coaching candidate. And since when do former stars coming back to coach in Denver ever worked(see: Hanzlik, Bill.)

Is St Patty even interested in the job that isn’t even open? One look at the roster, the salaries, and the putrid stats and he would probably pass it quicker than tossing doors off their hinges.

RELATED: Pete Nice f/ Pyscho Les - "Rat Bastard" - "Wind it up, wind it up on the binge You're readin my lips on a lunatic fringe hinges swing."

Remembering The Rocky

We hear the overworn cliché “woven into the fabric of our lives” so much these days. Colorado’s Rocky Mountain News was part of that fabric. 150 years old, it will end its run today, another victim of the changing face of news delivery and a sour economy.

The Rocky thrived at giving the state’s sports fans what they wanted: concise reporting, an easy to read format, stats, some laughs and debate. The section was routinely ranked in the top 10 in the nation.

I have a stack of Rockys that I’ve kept as keepsakes throughout the years (can’t fold up a webpage for a momento can you?) and a bigger memory of old Rocky features.

A smiling Alferd Williams as CU captures their only football national championship is tucked safely away in the attic. Bob Kravitz and his Sunday “half truths” column used to illicit some chuckles. The paper’s campaign to bring baseball to the state in the early 90’s, and finally getting that team. I saw the logo and Rockies’ hat for the first time on the front page.

My roommate in college used to read the sports section at breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. Over and over he would read the same stories. We used to quiz him on the most minute detail from some obscure transaction or game summary, and he would usually nail it.

The Rocky had great headline writers, and sports frequently made page one. A pumped up Yorvit Torrealba circling the bases in the rain with the headline “Pouring It On” was one of my favorites. Just last fall, smiling Buff receiver Josh Smith is carried off on student’s shoulders with the headline “King Of The Mountain” after CU beat West Virginia in prime time.

Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? I taught my ten year old yellow lab to navigate the freezing mornings and grab my Rocky when it was just too cold for her wussy owner. She obliged but not after tearing off a few pages after refusing to give it back.

Columnist Sam Adams’ trips to a wayward bar in Nebraska for each Buff-Husker game was always a must read the Saturday after Thanksgiving. During every Stanley Cup run the entire paper was redubbed the “Hockey Mountain News” and back in 1996 the stories helped this hockey novice understand a little more about the game. “Roy Hoo!” bellowed the headline as the region won its first championship in 1996 with Lord Stanley's hardware coming to Denver.

A Simple “Yes!” greeted readers as a jubilant Todd Helton celebrated the final out of the 2007 NLCS. “Buffaloed” as CU crushed Nebraska in 2001. “Score!” as the Nuggets brought in Allen Iverson. “Sacked” when CU fired Gary Barnett.

And you can’t talk the Rocky without sports cartoonist Drew Litton. Every Denver sports fan can name their favorite comic of his. John Elway peering in Joe Sakic’s bedroom was a particular classic.

BG Brooks’ coverage of the Colorado Buffs was pure professional, always reporting the straight facts of the going ons in the People’s Republic.

Back in the day, I helped a friend deliver the paper (when paper boys were actually boys, not men in vans) and there was one house that had astroturf on their front patio. We always practiced our best football celebrations while dropping off their Rocky each morning

And yes, the small tabloid style was great for carrying about, reading in cramped spaces, and while in “the library” as many people call the toilet.

The heart and soul of the Rocky sports section was just like the state it covered, the Denver Broncos. Great beat writers, a bevy of stats and color photos. The sadness of the four Super Bowl losses, each one feeling worse as the team, and city, seemed to take their lumps. Then the headline “El-YEA!” blasted as the team won their first Super Bowl and brought a region joy. A couple days later the photo of Elway and Terrell Davis raising the Lombardi Trophy to 650,000 fans in Civic Center Park on a crystal clear Colorado day.

If you look close at the Rocky’s photo of Elway circling Mile High Stadium’s field for the last time after beating the Jets in the AFC Championship in 1999, you can see The Commish following a few steps behind.

It was at McNichols Sports Arena in January 1998 and I was reading The Rocky's story about the Broncos’ playoff victory over the Chiefs. For some reason in mid-story I happened to look up and for the first time gazed upon someone who would change my life forever- the future Mrs. Commish.

Fast forward eleven years later and I have the last Rocky I ever saved with a headline about Carmelo Anthony’s broken hand. Not particularly historic, but to me it was as beautiful day as there ever was and another life changer- the birth of my daughter.

Maybe the “fabric” of our lives is just a little lighter today.