Thursday, June 30, 2011

Big 12 Bye Bye

Today the CU Buffs officially become a member of the newly christened Pac 12 Conference, leaving the Big 12 and memories and traditions of the Big 8 behind them…over 100 years worth.
The Pac 12 is an exciting new sports car for the athletic department and their fans to drive fast and whoop it up, while the Big 12 is an old pick up that just got you by.

I look forward to the shiny newness of the Pac 12, but the Big 12 days will burn in my memory each time the pigskins start flying in the fall.

The beautiful people of Southern California and their hustle and bustle about life a wait, but the “howdy, welcome to Texas” salutation from Aggie fans in College Station will be missed. The almost Footloose religious zealotry in Waco, the basketball-and-everything-else mindset in Lawrence, and even the football knowledge of those folks in Lincoln will be hard to find on the West Coast.

New cities will give us a chance to sample new beers in Oregon, fresh fish in Seattle, and exquisite Bay Area eateries. My mouth will still water however for the BBQ of the Salt Lick outside Austin. Every trip to Kansas required cold Boulevard Wheat, as every trip to Texas saw scores of Lone Star and Shiner Bock. The new grub may be prepared with care and healthy standards, but who can really front on some simple Midwest deep frying?

We’ll see the ocean a plenty in our new haunts, along with the green of the Pacific Northwest, the sites of San Francisco, and the desert of Arizona. But there is still something so tranquil seeing the sunrise over the flatlands of Kansas and Oklahoma.

Stadium wise we’ll be greeted with a more laid back attitude and smaller venues than what we were used to in the Big 12. The massive concrete structures of Texas, Oklahoma, Nebraska, and A&M seemed to extend so tall into the air they seemed unsafe. The crowds could get to a roar that would shake you down to your spine.

I’ll get to know the airports of the Western US, and along with that a quick jaunt to games from DIA to the site. That means the old school road trip will amp down. Eight plus hours in the ride past the Geona Tower, the outlets in Russell, and a drab West and East Texas landscape will be no more. We would listen to music, bag on each other, and watch countless TV shows and bad movies on stretches of the interstate system. Chappelle’s Show, Curb Your Enthusiasm, SNL Best Of, seemingly rolled the rig along with laughter.

Stops at rest stops with bathrooms straight from the 60s and stops at truck stops to but some of the most unfriendly food and drink were standard. Of course, popping those first cold beers when the destination was a few miles out was a must. One of those destinations wasn’t a college town but rather Hays, Kansas, which became our halfway weigh station between Denver and our end destination. A night in Hays was filled with good grub and hand crafted brew at Gellas, followed by the old school small town bars Sit N Spin and Golden Q, and a myriad of motels that would make many a seasoned traveler shudder. We would shake it off the next morning with butter pizza and a pitcher at Breadeux down the road in Abilene.

We’ll find new bars to throw some back, but I’ll reminisce about The Dixie Chicken, the Wheel House, Sixth Street , getting “stuck” in a bar in Manhattan because the Homecoming Parade blocked our rig in the parking spot. Massachusetts Street in Lawrence and Bottlecap Alley in College Station, and the sheer dominance of Eskimo Joe’s in Stillwater. Aggieville in Manhattan where denied entrance into an establishment for being a bit tipsy. While the saloons in parts west might be quirky, we were greeted outside a bar on a rainy morning in Norman with a rolled up piece of carpet that read “f*ck me hard” and Ames had us mingling with an older man who thought it was OK to bring his white poodle to the bar.

It seems ironic that the Buffs are jumping to the new go-fast, chic, trendy conference while my own life is rapidly approaching middle age seemingly better suited for the go-slow Big 12. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll sample all that the speedy Pac 12 has to offer over the next few. But that old pick up will still meander slowly across the flatlands in our memories.

RELATED: Coolio f/ J-Ro of Tha Alkaholiks - "I Remember"


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

White House Red Card

Things overheard when the Rapids visited the White House yesterday:

-If I was from Brazil would I go by just 'Obama' or 'De La Barrack'?
-Oh great, a freaking personalized jersey. I still can't rid of that Clinton #95 New Jersey Devils jersey.
-I was born here in the states dammit, so I really don't like soccer.
-Yeah, so what I wasn't invited to the royal wedding and Beckham was? We'll see how that pretty boy deals with being on the no-fly list.
-If anyone even thinks of blowing a vuvuzela in here there's a warm cell in Gitmo waiting for you.
-I'd probably put Oprah on my celebrity soccer least the fat Oprah.
-Stan, I have a better chance of earning the Tea Party Man of the Year Award than you bringing your basketball team here.
-You guys lost your last game 4-1? Did you use a traffic cone in goal?
-Sure, take Biden with you, just watch out, he'll get the yellow cards non-stop.
-Wow, a soccer team. When I saw "visit from Rapids" on the schedule I thought it was a tap dancing group or something.

RELATED: KRS-One - "Ah Yeah" - ("So here I go kickin science...")


Friday, June 24, 2011

What's The Frequency Kenneth?

What I say should be displayed at the Smithsonian
Your rhymes are phonier than cubic zirconias...

The NBA Draft went down last night and the Nugget and CU activity was heavy. A few thoughts from SG Land:

-As the teams in front of the Nuggets started making picks (Iman Shumpert to the Knicks?) it looked like the Nuggets would lock in on Kenneth Faried, and when Nolan Smith went to Portland, they quickly snatched him up. Last time we saw Faried in our fair city he was making Rick Pitino and Louisville look like timid wallflowers. He'll provide instant boards and instant energy. Pair him with Birdman, Ty Lawson, and Gallo and you have almost a hockey-like "energy/mucker" lineup. Faried will help with the likes of Serge Ibaka in the conference.

-Ah, the dreaded flip side that we always seem to piss on your campfire with. While Faried is a rebounding machine, he'll now be going from the Ohio Valley Conference playing Tennessee-Martin and Eastern Kentucky to playing 82 games versus the Spurs and the Lakers. Banging with some dude who's now a insurance rep to Blake Griffin is a big difference.

-Most shocking graphic of the night? This was the Nuggets first 1st round pick since 2005. Say what? Where did all those picks go? Are they with all those mismatched socks somewhere?

-First of all: good for Alec Burks going in the lottery. Second: he's going to Utah. A collective meh from the combo Buffs/Nuggets fans. He'll be going to an awful team, so he should have a chance to grow his game (developing an outside shot is top priority) and should get plenty of minutes.

-Please no mention of Faried and one Dennis Rodman in the same paragraph. Faried, by all accounts, isn't some freak who has more tats and piercings than some dude at Terrelle Pryor's ink shop. But more importantly, Rodman is an all-time great on the boards. Yes, both him and Faried hustle their way to rebounds, but Rodman was a true student of the boards. He studied not only his opponent's shots, but his own teammate's shots. He knew everything from teh spin of the ball to the velocity of their shots. Five Championship rings isn't bad either.

-Andre Miller coming back to Denver shows you George Karl's pull with his bosses. He was in their ear all day and night about getting Miller back. Try that with your boss sometime; just walk around all morning whispering "chalupa" and see if some magical Mexican Fast Food goodness apppears come lunchtime.

-I don't have a problem with the Felton for Miller trade, but I do have a problem with helping a Western Conference team get better. The Blazers did that with acquiring Felton while the Nuggets now have a 35 year old point guard who has appeared to gain a few lbs over the past couple years. Yes, he'll be great off the bench for 20-25 minutes, but he will not be able to keep up with the younger athletic PGs in the league. Karl will have to carefully manage his minutes depending on the matchup.

-They got a guy late in the draft nicknamed "Chu Chu". He's actually a basketball player and not your weird cubicle mate's spiritual guru.

RELATED: Redman - "I'll Bee Dat"

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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Weather Alert

In front of Big Lou's, fighting in the street...

Was there anything more fitting then the end of last night's nailbiter Rox win over the Tribe? A storm moving in, rain coming down, lightning and thunder in the background (thanks to the new non-plural sports team names, we mean actual weather, not Kevin Durant and some hockey guys.)

Basically, it was weather chaos (the announcers were acting like it was some biblical type storm coming in; build an ark!) and who else was on the mound? Noah himself, Huston Street. Never to be one for a ho-hum 1-2-3 inning, Mr T-Storm eventually harnassed the storm adn got some chump on a half check swing. In the future, skip the weather crawl on the bottom of the screen adn replace it with a warning that Street is pitching.

RELATED: Ice Cube - "Pushin Weight" - ("...full of thunder...")


Thursday, June 16, 2011

Hip Hop Fact Checker: Shock G

Song: "I Get Around"

Artist: Shock G

Claim: "I’m Shock G, the one who put the satin on your panties"

Breakdown: The first part of the rhyme is correct, he is in fact Shock G. Although he is also Humpty Hump and also is known as Greg Jacobs in the eyes of the government. However, there is no evidence to suggest that Shock G is any sorts of tailor or seamstress capable of putting satin on women's undergarments. Given that most textile manufacturing is done in the Far East and done for for very menial wages, it is highly unlikely that Shock G would leave his lucrative enterprise of Hip Hop in the early 90s to toil in an overseas factory.

Conclusion: Shock G did not put the satin on anyone's panties.

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Monday, June 13, 2011

Getting All Mavericky

Shuttin down your slot, time for pumpin
Poisonous sting which thumps up and act chumps...

The Mavs made team basketball back en vougue last night capturing their first NBA title and keeping the O'Brien Trophy in the Western Confrence, where our Denver Nuggets also happen to reside.

Add another hill for the Nugs to climb. As if the up-and-coming Thunder, the steady improving Blazers, the Lakers with some guy named Kobe, the kids in Minny and the Clippers weren't enough for the Powder Blue Patrol. Now, the newly minted Champs and their flush with cash owner will matchup up three times a year with the Nugs.

When it became apparent the Mavs were going to win this thing, I kept thinking back just two years back. The Nugs and Mavs matched up in the Western Semis and the Nugs arguably manhandled the future champs. K-Mart was in Dirk's head from the get-go, taking a hard foul and almost rendering him worthless for the rest of the series. A spry Chauncey Billups matched up with Jason Kidd and made him look ancient, and George Karl seemed to scream checkmate over Rick Carlisle. Of course, the addition of Tyson Chandler was huge for Dallas, and some dude who's name rhymes with "Jello" decided he was too big for The Box State and the fate of the two teams went in complete different directions.

But a big "what if" has remain in us Nuggets' fans heads; that same Mavs' core just celebrated with an all night bender while that Nuggets team is completely fragmented across the globe and a seemingly distant memory.

RELATED: Lupe Fiasco- "Hip Hop Saved My Life" - ("Drive up to Dallas went to open up for amateurs")


Thursday, June 09, 2011

Ticket Offense

I breaks it down, I gets loud for my crowd
Filthy, dirty like a worm underground

Recently the Rockies ticket office was deemed the worst in MLB in terms of sales and customer service. The SG decided to test it out ourselves with a call into the Rockies ticket line:

CR: Yeah
SG: Is this the Rockies' ticket office?
CR: No dude, this is Brett. But most call me Socket Wrench.
OK. I need some tickets to Sunday's game.
CR: I need some Advil. Went to the Paramount last night and downed too many Jack and Cokes.
How about that game Brett?
CR: Socket Wrench.
SG: Yes, how about some tickets?
CR: For what?
SG: Sunday's game.
CR: Man, isn't there like a King Soopers around you or something? Maybe get on Craigs List or something? My fingers are kind of creaky and I really don't want to type.
SG: I was just hoping to do it through you and you could help me get some good seats.
CR: Dude, call back after the weekend. I'm trying to go on break and solve today's Wuzzle in the paper.
SG: The game is Sunday.
CR: Why are you being so lame dude? Damn. What the fuck? I'm trying to help you. Ohh, man the dude next to me just blew ass. That's freaking sick Stan!
SG: Uhhh...
CR: I think he ate some rancid fucking tacos! Oh says here Sunday's game is cancelled.
SG: What?
CR:Yeah, the Warriors team plane got hijacked.
SG:They're playing the Dodgers.
CR: Yeah, hijacked by the Dodgers. Tough luck bud. Maybe go play some golf instead you fuck.
SG: Can I speak to the supervisor?
CR: No, she's scoring us some acid for lunch break. Later dude.

RELATED: Cypress Hill - "Hand On The Pump" - ("Rude and crude like a pitbull")


Monday, June 06, 2011

Rapidly Tie-ing

For the slick headed wonder, wearer of saggy pants
Old school kicker, reviver of the circumstance...

Overlooked this weekend in the murky waters that are tainted by the Purple cess that is the Rockies' offense is on e Colorado Rapids professional soccer club. (Add me to the list of people who think it is super wack that may MLS teams use Euro-centric names like "FC" as in "football club." This is North America, we call it soccer, not football. I'd like one MLS club to have the gonads to call themselves an "SC".)

Yes, the Colorado Rapids. The state's only champion as we speak in June 2011.

However, the Rapids aren't very championship like right now. Or are they? They haven't loss in six straight games...hooray! But, they haven't won in six straight games...dagnamut! Six straight ties. More ties than a)Father's day at Travis Henry's house b)a railroad track or c)boy scout convention.

So, soccer fans, is this good or bad? Technically they are gaining points, so it is good. But they are leaving points on the table too? The rest of us mainstream fans are confused, sort of like the old school "kissing your sister" cliche when describing ties. I get what it is supposed to mean: that your kissing, but your kissing your sister. Either way it is still one thing: incest you sick fuck.

RELATED: Alkaholiks - "All Night" - ("An R&B fan, or a dope MC, some old jazz cat that won a Grammy, a wide receiver, from Miami, a soccer goalie or a maitre'd")


Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Monthly Fix

So all you path-steppers, you better stop steppin
Cause I release lyrics as if they were weapons...

Apparently the Rockies believe in some cosmic karma type bullshit, because they believe the simple changin of a month will remedy their crap-tacular play.

Flip the calendar from May to June and all your ails will be cured. May 31st to June 1 and the team will magically start to hit with runners in scoring position. Tuesday, but now it is Wedsneday and our bullpen will morph in the formidable unit it was pegged to be a t season's start. A new month and the home runs will start flying, Tulo's mullet will stage a comeback, Ubaldo will toss no hitters again, Dexter Fowler will turn to Vince Coleman 2.0, and Alanna Rizzo and the Cargo Taco Bell girl will show up at my door in a driving rainstorm and white t-shirts.

Reality check. Months are merely numbers on a wall. If months changed the fortunes of baseball teams they'd have to split the World Series 30 ways. The Rockies need more than June to get out of fourth (yes fourth) place and somehow compete again. But they can keep hoping that a new month is the easy way out. Send your page-a-day calendars to 20th and Blake.

RELATED: Chi Ali - "Age Ain't Nuthin But A Number"