5280: Real Recognize Real

Yo I walk in the place, kicks un-laced
with a bitter beer face, a forty? Nah. a whole case
with flows like these, we not your average MC's
we be the drunken masters of ceremonies…

Going into the final eight days of the Slushy Gutter Summer Mission, the Commish issued a edict to the other eight entries to get their numbers up so there would be no doubt on achieving the coveted 5280 beer mark.

The boys responded in a big way, as they went on a tear over the long weekend. Four of the nine (Jeez Steve, Trav, Commish, and Broz) all achieved their high mark of the entire 14 week Mission. Juck and TDub were just a few beers off their high; JBiz and Pickles had solid weeks, and Slick Rip notched his highest week since June.

Let’s take a look at how it all shaked down:

-JUCK- 915. Two time Slushy Gutter Winner…Drank 28 beers in one day while camping in June…drank 35 beers on the Saturday before Labor Day, vowing to “drink one for each CU point” (he went over to boot)…Most beers were Coors Light, with a strong number of Blue Moons…Would sample exotic beers while searching for treasure, call him a pirate…Week long Vegas trip was like the World Beer Tour...Likes Zima.

-JEEZ STEVE- 844. Current Slushy Gutter Winner…Had the high week in our last week with 106 beers consumed…would down 10+ beers while performing menial jobs (cleaning the house, trimming trees, installing a washer and dryer, sleeping)…95% of his beers were Bud Lights…crushed mad beers during late Summer hunting and fishing trips, call him the Bud Light Angler.


-TRAV- 656. The mad author of WYDU...Had his high week of 82 in the final week…drank a boatload of beers while playing poker…let the world know that he hates Side Bream (exact words: “F*ck Sid Bream, fuck him right in the ass!”)…Had a high number on a June trip to Evergreen for the weekend…Sampled a variety of domestic beers: Bud Select, Milwaukees Best (the “Beast”) and went on a stellar Keystone bender late in the Summer.

-COMMISH- 551. Also had his high week the final week…sampled beers throughout Colorado: Steamboat, Glenwood, Limon, Wolcott, Boulder…choked down a beer at 4:30am for perhaps the earliest…90% of his beers were Coors Light, but did go proper with an Original Coors at a rodeo…tried to feed some to a wayward squirrel on the top of a mountain (he didn’t want any)…sat in the front row at a wedding and drank a beer.

-PICKLES- 548. Former Slushy Gutter Winner…Crushed numerous beers post-softball and flag football…managed to get some good numbers even while keeping an eye on his two kids…had a high week of 69 while playing Bambi killer in northwest Colorado…95% of his beers were Bud Light, but did manage a few stiff hard drinks around the campfire singing “Cumbaya”…mid-Summer was “Mr Consistent” at mid 30s.


-TDUB- 499. Former two time Slushy Gutter Winner…struggled to learn the art of beer pong, but mastered the beer part…drank 11 beers during his fantasy football draft…had a beautiful baby girl but “would sneak a beer” when he would go home to get the mail…a good % of his beers were smooooooooth CLs, but he would wander off with wine, mixed drinks, and micorbrews (Stone IPA was his favorite).


-BROZ- 495. Started very slowly, but was strong in July and August…he doesn’t like Nomar Garciaparra and after a few beers let him know incessantly…after a few beers will belly flop in the pool, smoke a pack of cigarettes (he doesn’t smoke)…incurred the scowl of his father when drinking a 7:30am golf course beer…tolerated the Gwen Stefani show after 5+ beers…decided he hates the Fox and Hound bar, but still had 7 Dos Equis there...vents weekly over here.

-JBIZ- 431. Former two time Slushy Gutter Winner…rode a crotch rocket motorcycle while eating chocolate cookies after a night of beers (it was parked)…had a beautiful baby girl after which his beer count nearly halted, but rallied hard the last three weeks…did not perform any crazy dances this Summer as he has been known to do…crushed mad Michelob Goldens on a Canadian fishing trip, eh?...introduced all the SGers to beer pong after a garage remodel.


-SLICK RIP- 313. Numbers drastically low after he decided to go on a Marine-like training regimen in August, hoo-rah!...Nevada trip in June netted him a high week with 60 beers…most of his % was Bud Light, but would pretty much take whatever was available, call him a beer garbage disposal…drank some Bud Lights at a place called ‘Sports Barn’, no word if any cows or chickens were present.

-GUEST PASSERS-
Face (endured a hunting trip with Pickles and Jeez Steve)= 46
Crunk Dave (bachelor party in Atl, no word if Andruw Jones bought him a lapper)= 45
Father Tuck (had a nice fantasy draft with 14 Coors choked down)= 35
Clarence Cricket (eight beers during a hot workday golf tourney)= 27

TOTAL = 5,405

(in the words of the great Biggie Smalls: represent baaaaby baaaaaby)

Subtraction is Addition's Tricky Friend

Hanging out late drinking a couple of brews
Turn on the radio put the shit on snooze
So when it's time to get up, the radio comes on
Blasting in my ear with the hip-hop song...

A few things that really set the Slushy Gutter Summer Mission back a few notches:

-A Bay Bay- Even the most hardened drunk must slow his roll when they are becoming new fathers. While two time Slushy Gutter Winners JBiz and TDub had designated drivers for 2/3 of the Mission, the births of their daughters put their dranks on the back burner. Crying babies throughout the night, poopy diapers, and thoughts of Prom dates with dudes named "Gearshaft" brought their drinking back.

-The Agony of Defeat- A good percentage of the SG participants fancied themselves some sort of Wide World of Sports competitor, which hampered their SG quests. The quartet of current Slushy Gutter Winner Jeez Steve, former Slushy Gutter Winner Pickles, TDub, and Slick Rip all powered through a summer of flag football. Taskmaster Pickles kept an eye on his charges like he was Bear Bryant in "Junction Boys" and scowled on their drinking. The Commish favored sober eves before the handful of running races he sludged through, and JBiz skated over mofos like Wayne Gretzky, which frequently wouldn't start until late nights.


-Coors Field Financing- The local nine's continuing run for the playoffs throughout the summer was quite the thrill, but not for the beer drinker's wallet. Four beers at 20th and Blake would set you back $24, while that same amount could score you 36 beers from the local packie. I'm not some economist, but the latter would seem more beneficial. That and I have some ocean-side real estate in Commerce City to sell you.


-The Morning After- Perhaps the Kryptonite to our Supermen were beers themselves. (That's like some bullsh*t riddle or something.) Too many Saturdays and Sundays were spent nursing sore livers, throbbing heads, and mouths so putrid that maggots were scared. Trav, Jeez Steve, and Broz all endured these weekend bitebacks.


-Other Fish- The siren's call that is other types of sweet alcohol was too much for some of our competitors. TDub succumbed to a fancy wine or margarita; two time Slushy Gutter Winner Juck gots that Zima jones; Broz will power down a fresh Bloody Mary, and even guest passer Father Tuck stumbled over too many Vodka drinks. From the vast tomes on the mission, only the Commish and Trav stuck to the hops and barley exclusively.

-Big Gulps- Who can resist the testosterone laden Monster Mug of 32 ounces of the golden suds? Not many of us. When faced with the choice of the big beers or the Hulk Hogan sized glasses or the Glass Joe standards, the SGers chose Hulkamania to run wild on you!

5280: The Final Battle

Heads by the score take flight incite a war
Chicks hit the floor, diehard fans demand more
Behold the bold soldier, control the globe slowly

Proceeds to blow swingin swords like Shinobi...

The dark masses known as the Army Of Beers have assembled, organized and preparing for the impending onslaught. The dread that they face is looming in the form of the Slushy Gutter Summer Challenge’s nine man collective, who have only one goal: to crush the Army and claim supreme 5280 spoils. The Army is large, numbering 470. The Army is also cold, sweet, and all too refreshing- perfect for each of the SG team’s strategy and skills.

Undoubtedly, Juck** is the colossal figure among the group. He will simply swoop in- Galactus style- transform the evil beers into pure hops and barley energy, and engorge himself of their sweet nectar.

The ground force of Jeez Steve* is impetuous, his style impregnable, he’s just ferocious. He wields his attack with venomous rattlesnakes as thirsty for the blood of the beers as he is.

Coordinating his force with Jeez Steve is that of Pickles***, who runs with a herd of unruly elk. He has the capacity to unleash a deadly siren’s call that summons his treacherous elk to stampede the beers with their staunch hoofs that are dipped in metal-burning acid.

TDub** has morphed into his alter-ego, the lethal Captain Tailgate. He has assembled his crew: Big Boss BBQ, CoolerZa, Nerf Baller, and Doctor Lawn Chair. The quintet needs the beers to power their lust to be the ultimate in the tailgating realm.

Standing alone is Broz. He harbors all the rage, torment, and utter disdain for all things; his thoughts of crushing beers is dangerous. He rides through the battlefield with no weaponry, no allies, just the ability to detonate the enemy with his angst.

Having been cryongenically frozen, Slick Rip is the primed to do battle. He awakens from his slumber primed for the fight. His sleep has readied him, as he arrives on the scene with his vast bag of supersonic alloy footballs, able to destroy many beers on a single throw.

Bringing up a faraway flank is Trav and his assembled special unit of cloned evil Sid Breams. The Bream Brigade moves slow, almost rickety, but they are deceptive. They have one mission programmed into their clone heads: to round third base and annihilate beers.

JBiz** has concocted a deadly serum to trick the Beer Army. Part pong balls, part mulch, and part baby formula, the mixture will attract the beers like a rat to cheese. Then JBiz will pounce! His serum will wreak havoc on the beers as they slowly dissolve.

Behind the scenes is the Commish, calculating, coordinating, and scheming. Think Mystery of the Chessboxin type shit. He overlooks the squad, figuring the wicked mathematics hoping to ensure the 5280 goal.

The team is indeed in for a big fight, the beers are numbered, and the weather hot. But the football angle and extra day of battle may allow them to get there. It has been a long summer, a long battle, a hefty amount of beers already down. Now is the time their mettle will be tested, it’s the final battle. (4810)

*- current Slushy Gutter Winner**- Two time Slushy Gutter Winner***- Slushy Gutter Winner

5280: Twin Hype

Okay here I go shorty tap the forty O smash
Take a pass, if ya crash make a dash to the trash
Tap a cap, have alot and not alot not a little
Don't grade upon the label take a guzzle, don't dribble...

A quick glance at the calendar reveals that the idiocy that is The Slushy Gutter Summer Mission is rounding third base and heading for home. Two weekends remain; dos weekends con mas cerveza; the Twin Weekends of Suds.

A quick work of the SG abacus also reveals that the livers are going to have to put in more overtime than Mike Vick’s lawyers, as we are 964 beers away from the hallowed mark. Taking straight averages of every players’ consumption thus far will still leave the crew about 12 cases short of the goal.

One reason for the high totals needed may be that most of the crew took it mad easy this past week. Perhaps they are just gearing up for the final push, maybe they are lazy, maybe they have forgotten how to open a can due to the last 12 weeks.

Former two time Slushy Gutter Winner JBiz got a bit back on track , coming in at 25 beers for the week, including some post hockey game beers. Ahhh, the timeless tradition of hockey in August. Broz finally slowed his roll, posting only 22, as did former Slushy Gutter Winner Pickles, who also came in at deuce-deuce.

Former two time Slushy Gutter Winner TDub came in at 28 beers, while the Commish gulped down 31, among those were some stale tasting Michelob Ultras from a sleek kegerator. Slick Rip, barely registering in this anymore, had two beers. Yes, two beers.

Current Slushy Gutter Winner Jeez Steve sludged through a night with the Denver Broncos and Hooters to come in at a svelte 48 beers for the week. Trav posted his highest mark, a smooooooth 60. Included in those was an all-day Madden Holiday-athon on Saturday and Bud Selects first appearance of the summer. And of course, former two time Slushy Gutter Winner Juck posted the high water mark, a 68 for the week.

The Summer’s first threeguest passers weren’t exactly Norm from Cheers, but they did give a slight lift. Old homey Father Tuck graced us with 35 beers, including 14 at an all-day fantasy football draft. Unfortunately, he also downed as many vodka drinks or he could’ve been a superstar. Finally, our man Cricket Clarence made an appearance, and after a huge Monday start of 10 at a golf tourney, tapered off to give us 27 on the week. Trav's homey Crunk Dave took a trip to the ATL and promptly railed off 45 pimped cup beers, including an array of strip club visits, Stella Artois (which seem to be the rage right now), and even an attempt with a marker to number his beers.

The big question is can the Starting Nine rally to chug the remaining grand over the next two weekends? Will it come down to some poor schlep downing a beer at 11:50pm on Labor Day? Whose liver just might fall out while taking a piss during College Football kickoff on Sept 1? Who will draft Dave Krieg in their FF draft due to too many? Stay tuned, stay sudsy, and stay real… (4316)

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-

5280: Stretch Run

To finish wit flyin colors, Tha alcoholic brothers
Connected, respect it, ain't no choice but to love us...

Three weeks remain in the Slushy Gutter Summer Challenge. Let's look at the stats heading down the final tore-down road:

--JL Smooth-670- The leader since day one. He even got invited to a fish fry by a leather breasted bartender.**
--Jeez Steve-614- Captain Bud Light. Homeboy drinks BLs while doing everyday activities: changing his baby, shopping, working, sleeping.*
--Trav-463- Downed some cold Pacificos this past weekend. Beers he's drank all summer might be equal to the Pacific Ocean.
--CommishCH-409- Come on now, you knew the originator of this bulls*t would creep back into the top five.
--Pickles-399- Mr. Consistency at 30+ a week. Said it'd be more if not "for those two assholes" (his kids) ***
--Broz-385- His Saturdays have been in the 20 range the last month; was told by his own father upon cracking a 7:30am golf beer that he was "a fucking idiot."
--TDub-383- New baby? So what! Still has the game presence to sneak in 30+ beers. **
--JBiz-326- Has slid from the rankings quicker than David Duvall. Has vowed to track down and catch fellow new dad TDub.**
--Slick Rip-253- He had one- yes one- beer this past week. By comparision, JL Smooth and Jeez Steve had one beer while brushing their teeth.

TOTAL: 3903

*- Current Slushy Gutter Winner
**- Former Two-time Slushy Gutter Winner
***- Former Slushy Gutter Winner

5280: Juiced Up?

Don't make me wreck shit, hectic
Next get the chair got me goin like General Electric
And the lights are blinkin I'm thinkin
It's all over when I go out drinkin…

While the nation’s eyes are fixed on Barry Bonds breaking the home run record, the Slushy Gutter’s eyes are bleary and not looking so good at breaking their mark. The starting nine may be in need of some “enhancement” to reach their stated goal of 5280 beers.

Current Slushy Gutter Winner Jeez Steve and two time Slushy Gutter Winner Juck are the exceptions. They are A-Rod and Matt Holliday of this sh*t. Jeez Steve posted a stellar 85 over last week, including a near 12 pack while “trimming trees.” Hate to see those trees. Juck was 10 behind, as he even braved a wicked electrical storm with CL can in hand to add to the total.

Trav is right there as well, the season’s surprise. Think Troy Tulowitzki. He followed his now-standard poker, after work beers, and PS2 beers. He did endure a long night where he downed keg beer and was politely asked to leave the establishment. Broz is also on the upswing, perhaps the SG’s Prince Fielder. Broz swilled the bulk of his 40+ beers at a rain soaked neighborhood Luau where he watched impromptu diving comps, smoked stolen cigarettes, and endured a wicked Sunday hangover.

Consistency is the word for former Slushy Gutter Winner Pickles and the Commish. Dependable, like maybe Cal Ripken and Ryne Sandberg. Both plugged their way to the needed mid-30 average and did all the small things.

Former two time Slushy Gutter Winner TDub welcomed his beautiful daughter into the world, but not before knocking out 30+ beers at softball and patiently waiting for the big moment. Given the baby history, he may start to decline. Think Sammy Sosa.

Rounding out the lineup, think way below the Mendoza line, are Slick Rip and former two time Slushy Gutter Winner JayBiz. Rip is on “sabbatical” and knocked out only a dozen, and vowed to remain sober until Labor Day. Ouch, not good for the team there. JayBiz did him one better, sucking down 13. Think Ozzie Canseco.

With four weekends left, the overall number is struggling. The general manager may bring in an influx of talent to produce the results that we expected back in the preseason. Play Ball! (3618)

5280: Dog Days

You know I ain't ashamed and you know I ain't bashful
So go on and pop the forty so I can pour me a glassful…

The SG Summer Mission entered the dog days of summer with serious questions, as well as serious drinking by a handful of members. Two-time Slushy Gutter Winner JL Smooth celebrated his birthday with a bevy of Blue Moons, CLs and games of shuffleboard. He also became the first member to pass the 528 mark, blowing past it by Friday night. Across town, Trav took it a bit easy, finally polishing off his Milwaukee’s Best. He then endured more poker tourneys and mass amounts of CLs before taking a mulligan on Sunday.

Current Slushy Gutter Winner Jeez Steve spent most of his week dealing with appliance issues. However, as the old saying goes, when buying or installing dryers, drink plenty of Bud Lights. That’s exactly what he did, coming in at 60+ for the week.

Broz may be on the hottest streak of the crew, pushing near the half-century mark. The bulk of Broz’s beers came Sunday, when he heckled one Nomar Garciaparra beyond reproach down at Coors Field. CommishCH swilled his high mark of the challenge, as he tallied 50+ during a mountain respite to Glenwood Springs, CO. Although not as rowdy as years past, ice cold CLs were swilled at 9,000 feet in Marble, as well as the requisite Bud Lights with the hippies in Carbondale.

Former two-time Slushy Gutter Winner TDub came in at a respectable 25+, with a nice chunk playing NCAA 2008. Former Slushy Gutter Winner Pickles didn’t fare too well, posting under 20 for the week. Former two-time Slushy Gutter Winner JBiz, the proud new Papa, recorded the lowest tally with four. He is excused due the circumstances.

And finally, the SG Summer’s bottom feeder Slick Rip informed us after his piddly 20 beers that he would be taking the next four weeks off from the count. What!? There’s no breaks in the Mission! With that, we are down to six steady members, one new dad, and one more with another on the way. The Mission is looking tougher as we roll into August and five weekends remaining. The math is looking a bit fuzzy. Guest passes may be forthcoming, and more beers will be swilled. (3215)

5280: Hotter Than July

Drunk as hell but no throwin up
Half way home and my pager still blowin up...

As week Numero Ocho descended on the Slushy Gutter Summer Mission, the crew rallied a bit but not quite enough to get back on the positive side of the ledger. It might have been the 100 degree heat? The mid-summer blues? The cries of the liver?

Needless to say, two time Slushy Gutter Winner Juck was the anomaly of the posse, as he posted 73 beers over the stanza. Among those were a steady diet of Blue Moons and an 18 pack of smooooooooth CLs over one long night. Broz continued his ascent up the ladder, as he downed the pace number of 37. Although his week was sullied by a trip to Fox and Hound, where he railed through some ice cold Tecates but had to endure the short bus collection of imbeciles known as the F&H waitstaff. The Commish didn't fare all too well over the week, as he hit the 25 mark; a few CLs, a couple Tecates, and even managed to sneak in a Lefthand Pilsner on a trip to Nederland.

The Goat faction of the SG Crew: Current Slushy Gutter Winner Jeez Steve, former two time Slushy Gutter Winner TDub, former Slushy Gutter Winner Pickles, and Slick Rip conquered the oppressive heat and a host of flag football teams over the weekend. They also managed around a 30 beer average, the equivalent of a 10 yard gain in the SG Summer.

Trav took one for the team, downing 11 Milwaukee's Best on Friday so he'd "have some numbers for the week." The "Beast" number 12 still sits idly in the fridge. The week's big winner though is JBiz, who managed to drink a paltry 23 beers. More importantly he, along with Mrs Biz, welcomed a beautiful baby girl into the world. Ahhh, how proud she'll be at her wedding when old DadBiz tells the tale of the Summer of 2007 when he swilled 528 beers. Slushy Gutter, indeed. (2882)

5280: Halfway Home

Kick your dopest rhyme I'll break it up like 3rd Bass

I'm from the crew that sets it off by sprayin beer in your face...

The Slushy Gutter Summer Mission hit the halfway point this week, as the troops tried to keep up with the torrid pace set the previous holiday week. Unfortunately, most of the minions fell off like Barry Bonds' knees. Setting a new low in his lethargic wallow was former two-time Slushy Gutter Winner TDub, who tallied a weak 14 beers over the week. The "fearless" leader Commish, could now be known as the "beerless" leader as he posted only 20 beers; among those were the Summer's first Harp Lagers at the Colorado Irish Festival; Erin Go Braugh, brah! Broz upped the ante a bit, as he swilled nearly 30 beers including a handful at Cherry Creek Reservoir and another first, some ill Hamms beers. Slick Rip also came in the low end, posting in the low 20s and making a Hooters appearance; not sure if he works there or went for the wings? Former Slushy Gutter Winner Pickles is becoming Mr. Consistency, as he again came in with a stout number in the 30s, as did former two-time Slushy Gutter Winner JayBiz, who endured a brutal Friday Bachelor Party which cramped the remainder of his weekend.

At this point in the Mission, three riders have separated themselves from the Peloton. Two-time Slushy Gutter Winner Juck again posted large numbers at 60+ as he stomached a huge Vegas trip and more micros. Current Slushy Gutter winner Jeez Steve posted 54 beers, among those were 10+ Bud Lights at the Mile High Nationals. Alcohol fuel dragsters? How appropriate. Trav upped him by two, enduring a few poker games, $5 pitchers at a local joint, and a trip to a foothills cabin which saw him undertaking a Sunday bar crawl.

At the halfway mark, the crew is behind where we need to be for the hallowed 5,280 mark. The end of July, temperatures rising, ice cold beers will need to rise as well. (2579)

5280: Give me Liberty and Beer

I grab the forty rip off the skirt
Guzzle it, grab the mic and come out the woodworks...

When the Slushy Gutter Summer Mission was hatched in late May, one look at the calender pointed to the past week as the perhaps being the highest scoring week among the entire mission. The midweek holiday created a jack off work week, and many simply skipped the second half of the week, therefore creating time for, of course, more beer.

Broz started it proper with a Rockies' game and conversations with tattooed freaks to again come in at the 40+ mark. Slick Rip finally got off the short bus, as he took in a game at 20th and Blake, a few BBQs and almost crapped his pants on his way to 35 swilled. The Commish also managed to take in a win at Coors Field before heading to the summer escape of beautiful Steamboat Springs, CO and notched his first 50 week. The half century mark is old hat for Current Slushy Gutter Winner Jeez Steve, as he posted 58 Bud Lights over the week. Two-time Slushy Gutter Winner Juck one upped him at 59, among those were a few choice micros (Pyramid Apricot, Skinny Dip) and the first Fosters Oil Can of the Summer. Trav also gulped down some Fosters, and went gully on us again with some Keystone Ice tall boys during some poker and BBQ. Former Two-time Slushy Gutter Winners JBiz and TDub both came in at about the needed mid-30s, including sharing a cold one in Eldorado Canyon on the 4th of July. Finally, former Slushy Gutter Winner Pickles also topped the 50+ mark. With the halfway mark of the summer approaching, the so-called "dog days" of waiting for football to start, the release of EA College Football 08, and just general "damn, it's hot, I need a cold one," the crew seems to be hitting their collective stride. (TOTAL: 2255)

5280 Update: Strength in Numbers

Yo, it's the gun-slinging lunatic demon out of hell
Intoxicated punks letting off bad smell...

A happy and safe 4th of July to all! That said, July 4th is the unofficial 1/3 mark of the Slushy Gutter Summer Mission. Let's take a look at where our fearless starting nine stand going into July:

-Juck**- 291 beers - 28 Beers in one day; Zimas don't count for his total
-Jeez Steve***- 262 beers - Bud Light stock has steadily increased in June
-Trav- 214 beers - Marathon sessions knocked out mad beers the past two Fridays
-TDub**- 213 beers - Softball Wednesdays: dive bars, beers, late nights, angry wife
-JBiz**- 199 beers - Days in Canadian outback with 55 beers + moonshine.
-Pickles*- 188 beers - Golf in 100 degree weather? Perfect for 8 beers.
-CommishCH- 184 beers - Ahead of his 2006 original pace
-Broz- 155 beers - No employment lead to big week of drinking
-Slick Rip- 153 beers - Total of 25 last two weeks has lead to charges of blood doping

TOTAL: 1859

*- Former Slushy Gutter Winner
**- Former two0time Slushy Gutter Winner
***- Current Slushy Gutter Winner

5280: The Beers Strike Back

To my motherfuckin' man, fifty grand, the alcoholic man
Inject a tall can to his blood stream if he can...

The past few weeks have seen a steady escalation in beers being thrown down in the Slushy Gutter Summer Mission, and this week the beers fought back. Overall it was a great week, as the pace is finally equal to the 5,280 required by Labor Day. Current Slushy Gutter Winner Rattlesnake Steve felt the barley payback, as he choked down over 50 beers, including a Friday and Saturday stretch of 30. Unfortunately, he "dried out" on Sunday, posting a big goose egg for the day. Trav went to battle on Friday night, gearing up for a big night downtown, only to never make it past his local pub. Some 20 beers later, he too was on the DL all day Saturday and was struck with a big zero for the day. Meanwhile, Broz finally went on the offensive during his housewarming party at his new palatial estate. He checked in at 17 beers for the night and also checked in Sunday on the couch and another nada for the tally. CommishCH fared a bit better than the others, as he finally got on his 2006 pace during a wedding trip to Top Billings. Even the wedding wasn't immune from a smooooooooooooth CL, as he and the bride's uncle swilled canned beer from the front row. Two-time Slushy Gutter Winner T-Dub also went out of town for his drinking adventures on a trip to Glenwood Springs. Slick Rip celebrated his birfday with a few beers, and former Slushy Gutter Winner Pickles posted another consistent weekend. Former Two-time Slushy Gutter Winner JBiz prepped for a trip to crush mass fish in Ontario by crushing 28 beers, and Two-time Slushy Gutter Winner JL Smooth was once again the week's valedictorian with over 60 beers over the week, although he was hindered by the appearance of a "dreadlocked white stoner" who got sick and crashed on his couch. June is winding down, the weather is heating up, and our livers will need to rally. (1491)

5280: A Cool Grand

I'll break your leg
And I'm more than a forty ounce, I'm more like a keg
And I'm the big dipper, rippin' like Jack the Ripper
And if you want the proof, the proof is in my liquor...

The Slushy Gutter Summer Mission soared over the 1000 mark over the heat of the weekend, with CO's temp reaching into the high 90s. That didn't seem to slow down former Slushy Gutter winner Pickles, who along with current Slushy Gutter winner Jeez Steve slammed a case of beer over a sun-filled 18 holes. Hey, it worked for that fat Manu Ginobli dude in the US Open. Meanwhile, over in Broz land, he sludged his way through 20+ beers. Trav had a full weekend of poker and 40+ beers, and the 12 Keystones he had were a Slushy Gutter first. Former two-time Slushy Gutter winner JBiz hosted the annual backgammon tourney, where he, the Commish, former two-time Slushy Gutter winner TDub, and Slick Rip wasted the day and night away with smoooooooth CL keg beers, beer pong, and assorted debauchery. The Commish's better half almost pulled of the Championship, before falling in the finals. Finally, former two-time Slushy Gutter winner Juck ran solo this weekend and set a SG high with a day of camping and 28 beers in one single day. One beer per hour and then some. Mixed in were some midweek requisite softball beers and and a few here and there, and we're past the 1000 tally heading into the first official week of Summer. (1160)

Garage Sale Slushy-ness

You trippin, must be that Zima you was sippin
Your accountant couldn't count how many bottles I be grippin…

The Summer Mission roared into the third week and it sees the assembled Shaolin Monks just a smidgeon off the goal. Two-time Slushy Gutter winner JL Smooth was once again the rabbit, setting an early pace and tallying an impressive amount, and he again managed to mix in some Tangerine Zimas. Two-time Slushy Gutter winner T-Dub had the requisite suburban garage sale at his palatial crib, which usually leads to drinking, and lots of it. As an old friend once told me, “Garage sales are just an excuse to have a cold beer at 10am.” The Commish and two-time Slushy Gutter winner JBiz were also present, selling worthless crap and pounding smooooooooooth CLs all day. Trav endured a bevy of after-work beers to come in at the needed pace, and current Slushy Gutter Winner Rattlesnake Steve also came in on his mark. Broz and former Slushy Gutter winner Pickles must’ve been resting their livers, as both finished the week off the pace. Although Broz, JBiz, and TDub did squeeze in a trip to the gully Arvada Tavern until 1am. The week’s Beer Pimp Champion goes to Slick Rip, who took a trip to the desert to golf, gamble, see visions of Cairo in the sand, and apparently swill many beers. (838)

5280: Back to the Grill Again

My triple A card has one too many initials

An autobot on the fringe of liquid addiction spinning fish-tails...

Two full weekends have passed in the Slushy Gutter Summer Mission and at this time we're a bit off the pace. That can't be said about two-time Slushy Gutter Winner JL Smooth, who has clocked in at nearly 100 beers after a week of Blue Moons, geocaching, and some PBRs while on the golf course. Current Slushy Gutter holder Jeez Steve is a few off the pace, as he downed a steady stream of BLs but also added the first Ichibans to the count. Banzai! Two-time Slushy Gutter winner T-Dub rounded out the podium as he swilled many a smooooooooooth CL at former Slushy Gutter winner Pickles' BBQ over the weekend. Also present to break down the proceedings were Slick Rip, who has maintained a modest pace, and former two-time Slushy Gutter winner JBiz, who is woefully off the pace. Our two resident bloggers checked in, as Broz took it mad easy to end up on the end of the tally count, and WYDU's Trav entered the fray like Rasheed Wallace getting into it with the refs, posting three dozen over the weekend. Meanwhile, the Commish heeded his own advice and hit up local establishments Lake Avenue Inn to down a few CL pitchers with E-Train, the Edgewater Inn for some schooners and 'za, and finally the Twins Inn for some ice cold CL bottles. I come to find out later that the Twins Inn is on a former EPA contaminated site. Hmmm, contamination or cold beer? Priorities. (489)

5280: There's No 'I' in Team (or Beer)

I divide square MC's like math,
Bend you in half and drink a Genuine Draft...

The Slushy Gutter Summer Mission is back, and it’s uglier than ever. Rather than let my own sobriety go to the dark recesses of reality, I’ve brought along a few friends. We’re getting the band back together man! I’ve opened the Summer Mission this year to a few others, mainly most of the former Slushy Gutter winners that have appeared on these screens over the last year. A couple of others received a tournament exemption and will also be imbibing with the professionals. In total, there will be eight fixtures attempting to down (drumroll)… 5,280 beers from Memorial Day Weekend until Labor Day.

The rules are the same as last year: a beer counts as one no matter the size, shape, or sexual orientation. That being said, “cheesing” out and pouring a beer into a thimble won’t be tolerated. Drinking a single beer from a 55-gal drum will be encouraged though. Most beers will be the standard 12 ounce / pint size we’ve all grown to love.

Along the way, I will offer “guest passes” to other drunks players, who want to be down with the proceedings. These “guest passes,” will be for a night, a day, a weekend in length. I have reps combing frat houses, rehab centers, and detox as we speak for people who might increase our bottom line. That being said, I won’t cheese out again and give the entire Colorado Football team a pass. Lindsay Lohan has a standing invite to join at anytime she wants.

In case you’re not familiar with the significance of the 5280 number, that’s the elevation of the beautiful area we call home, Denver Colorado. Obviously the elevation has tempered my brain to make me think we can pull this ridiculous stunt off.

With that, Memorial Day Weekend saw the crew fall woefully behind the pace. Former two-time Slushy Gutter winner Juck carried the crew with a svelte 45 downed over the four days, and also managed to include two Tangerine Zimas outside of his 45. Yes, Tangerine Zima. Former two-time Slushy Gutter winner T-Dub managed to down 16 beers, as he also went outside the box to pound a healthy amount of Margaritas. Newcomer Slick Rip endured a Jager Bomb shot before squeezing out 17, former Slushy Gutter Winner Pickles cracked 19, and the Commish brought up the rear with a lowly 12, although two of the tally were 32 ounce Monster Mugs from the hopping Morrison Inn. Former two-time Slushy Gutter winner JBiz started the proceedings at 1am on Friday with #1, and Broz entered the fray with 18 pops and still managed to complete the Bolder Boulder Monday morning; Heart of a Champion. (95)