Friday, May 30, 2008

Summer Sell Out

A new type of scene
To go platinum and clock mad green
AKA, a sellout, the rap definition
Get off that boy, change your mission...

For the past two summers, these pages have included more than just random babbling about Colorado sports and Hip Hop, but readers have been subjected to sophomoric challenges in beer drinking.

2006 started it off proper like, with the Commish going solo in an attempt to drink 528 beers from Memorial Day to Labor Day. Took a test to become an MC and didn’t fail: the number was reached with days to spare and son actually had to slow down as to not reach it too early.

2007 saw the Commish invite along some crew and ante up the booty to 5,280 beers. It looked a bit hairy for awhile, but after some rather unearthly consumption, we reached the number with a few cases to spare.

Now in 2008, a week into the time slot, and the Mission is on hiatus. I mean, what are we talking about here? Counting beers? Not the game I live and die for, but counting beers? I mean how silly is that? Counting beers? It is rather annoying to sift through the memory banks each Monday, trying to remember your imbibing steps of the previous weekend. How lame is writing with a Sharpie the #18 on a keg cup after a particular night of boozing (I be that.) Rolling home with four bottle caps in your pocket to help your count. A tally sheet. Emails to your crew asking for “counts.” All rather cumbersome and a bit of a pain in the ass.

Where would I even go in 08? Equal the 06 of 528? Beat last Summer’s mark of 550? 600?

I mean, in a “normal” Summer, I would spout about the beers from last weekend; the five at the Rockies game, the ice cold Michelob Ultra after the BB08, the four I downed at the Pumphouse in downtown Longmont, the random smoooooooooooooth CLs. Just freaking wack. Yeah, I’m a freaking sellout, abandoning the very premise why this ish started in the first place. The Summer Mission can suck it…here’s to a Summer without dealing with arithmetic. (16)


Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Buzz the Bulls?

Don't have Cinemax because my cable's pirated
Bug out wit the rhyme, try to swat and I'll get fly wit it...

The NBA has a propensity to recycle coaches; Dick Motta, Lenny Wilkins, George Karl, Scott Skiles, even Doc Rivers and Flip Saunders are on their second tour of duties. However, it is strange to recycle a coach whose pro accomplishments are very limited and below average. And that is exactly what the Chicago Bulls are looking at in current Buffs' coach Jeff Bzdelik.

Coach Bz's name has surfaced with the Bulls' vacancy despite his being absent from the league for nearly four years; his stellar 73-119 career record in The League, a even-less than stellar 12-20 (3-13 in conference) in his one CU season, and a goofy haircut.

Someone channel the name of Phil Jackson! The glory is returning to Chicago!

Bzdelik struggled to connect with a fresh out of one-year of college Carmelo Anthony in his one playoff Denver season, something that should be no problem with the Bulls, I mean the top two picks Michael Beasley or Derrick Rose played how many years of college?

His most successful coaching stop, the Air Force Academy, featured extremely disciplined players who adhered to a rigid system. The NBA is chock full of those type of players; one has to look no further than Bulls' center Joakim Noah, the very epitome of a hard line player who has his act together.

At Colorado he managed to turn over nearly half of the roster in less than a year, showing the players he is control. That should translate well into the NBA, where players always defer to the coach.

Bulls GM John Paxson, MJ isn't around to bail you out if you hire Jeff, leave Coach Bz out here in Boulder, his system and style could get the Buffs into the upper tier of the Big 12, but the NBA's Eastern Conference is a bit daunting given his resume. Paxson should stick to the high grade recyclables: Avery Johnson, John Lucas, aluminum, phone books, and printer cartridges.

RELATED: The Fugees- "Zealots" ("Check out the retrograde motion, kill the notion, of biting and recycling and callin it your own creation")
NOTE: Peep the dis Pras sends the way of Jeru the Damaja at the tracks' end


Sunday, May 25, 2008

Memorialize The Points

I just wanna do my jams with fams and slam into some hypeness
But biters and back stabbin rappers don't even like us...

-Eleven games under at the first "check point" of the season is where your National League Champions stand. Even a 30-20 clip won't get them from below the 500 level before the All-Star break. And the once potent lineup, already decimated by a lack of clutch hitting, is becoming increasingly thin. Tulo, Holliday, Barmes, Hawpe, and Taveras have or will miss time. Can the season be salvaged? With the pitching so damn inconsistent, the bullpen (minus Bucholz) unreliable, even the managing with questionable calls, the ammo to prove the 07 Champs as big time flukes grows.

-The great Memorial Day tradition here in CO is the Bolder Boulder 10K road race up in the Republic. Once again, the carrot at the end of the stick for the Slushy Gutter is that ice cold Michelob Ultra that is awarded to each runner at the race's conclusion. Look for the true boozers to be accosting underage participants to take their free beer coupons.

-Iller Than Theirs offers a free download from Tone Tank, The Black Six Sessions over on their blog. It's a small collection of beats made from old punk records with Tone Tank spitting over each. ITT was one of the most slept on joints of last year, and this EP definitely is worth checking; peep the energy on "Fight Song." Best yet, it's free. CHECK IT

-The Mecca in Golden has offered to the Democratic National Convention this summer in Denver (hello, hookers!) the ethanol waste of their beer to power various vehicles. Coors, a longtime right-leaning company is softening? Is Obama a Yellow Dog drinker or is he a Blue Moon type dude? Al Gore once polished off a keg by himself, and he invented kegs. Will Bubba get his own private Coors Lounge at Pepsi Center? And if you see anyone in a ski mask and a siphon in the DNC garage, it wasn't me.

Labels: , ,

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Viva El Burpo!

The mighty infamous
always misbehaving and mischievous
causing aggravation I'll never pause
pushing out spit balls through plastic straws...

The SG focus is on the major professional and collegiate sports here in CO, but from time to time the "other" sports get their shine here on the mean 'net streets. And no, Colorado Crush, you get no love, go bounce some balls off the nets.

The Colorado Rapids, however, are in first place, play in a sparkling new stadium (Commerce City represent!), and have been around since 1996. While not exactly ManU, they still have the long stringy haired freaks, the song-chants that sound like some cult hymn, and frequent the typical 1-0, 1-1, or 2-1 games.

And now they have a goalie named Burpo. Yes, Burpo, and that's not a Mexican wrestling star. He's not named after a laxative. He's not your son's imaginary friend. He isn't the bad guy on Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Not a drinking game. Oscar the Grouch's illegitimate son? No. He's Burpo the Goalie and he'll be in the pipes for the Local 10...6...9...however many players are on the field pitch at one time.

The Rapids traded for Burpo when they realized that their regular goalie Bouna Coundoul will have to leave the team to play for Senegal in World Cup qualifiers this summer. Dammit, that reminds me of when Steve Atwater had to leave the Donks to play for Arkansas in the USA Flag Football qualifiers.

I don't really know how that will affect the Rapids' first place standing, but I do know the eight year old in me thinks that Burpo is freaking super rad neato!

Now if we can just get the entire Rapids' crowd to coin a unique Burpo chant after each save, what is there like three or four a game? Pass the carbonated beverages and let's belch the alphabet in unison.

RELATED: Other players The SG inner eight year old thought were funny: Kock and Bozak
(Next time someone asks you about a law firm, reply with those three names:
BOSS: Jenkins, which law firm did you use when you sued your neighbor?
YOU: Let's see, I used 'Cock, Bozak, and Burpo' )


Tuesday, May 20, 2008

No Deal Howie

If robbery's a class, bet I pass it
Sh*t get drastic, I'm buryin' ya bastards...

Howie: Now, Denver Nuggets and their fans, here is what the Nets banker is offering for your case of Carmelo Anthony and Marcus Camby... his offer... his offer is Richard Jefferson, Marcus Williams, Keith Van Horn's contract, and draft picks! (Crowd ahhhhs) Now, Denver... deal or no deal?

Denver: Howie, has the banker been breathing the fumes from the swamps of Northern Jersey? You do know this is Carmelo Anthony, not a Caramelo candy bar? The same Carmelo that is an all-star starter, a member of the US National Team, and a 20 point scorer. Yes, he has his issues on and off the court...but Marcus Williams? Is he a gospel singer?

Howie: Deal? Or no deal?

Denver: When you used to blow up those gloves on your head, were they filled with poisonous gas? Marcus Camby, the former defensive player of the year, a player capable of changing the game for the other team anywhere in the paint. For Richard Jefferson? Nice player, but come on. You could throw in George Jefferson and it wouldn't matter.

Howie: Denver no deal?

Denver: Draft picks? The 10th and 20th? As in the 10th player off the bench and a D-League Colorado 20er or Tulsa 20th-er or whatever? Howie, where you roughed up in Jersey by Paulie Walnuts or something?

Howie: Time is ticking, deal or no deal?

Denver: No deal, Kojak. And by the way, I soaked my hand in a box of used rectal exam gloves before our fist pump greeting; I licked all the door knobs in your office; and I had my crazy Uncle Tino rub his testicles on your steering wheel, your germaphobe freak.


Monday, May 19, 2008

Brandon, I am your father!

Now that I'm older stress weighs on my shoulders,
Heavy as boulders but I told ya,
Till the day that I die I still will be a soldier and that's all I told ya,
and that's all I showed ya…

Three quick questions for the Donks going into another off-season “camp” today through Thursday:

1- Who will step up as a dependable WR? Slushy Gutter will call it first, Brandon Marshall’s injury is worse than the organization is letting on. He will be unavailable of limited in the first half of the season. Remember when Luke Skywalker got his hand chopped off by dear old Pops aka Darth Vader? Then he got that nifty fake hand with all the wires and currents running in it; that is what Brandon is looking at. Ligaments are funny like that, when they are sliced, they tend not to work too well.

That being said, the WR corps are one that the Chicago Rush might have one up on the local 11. Keary Colbert and Sammie Parker don’t exactly get the rush of fantasy owners looking at them in the first, second, third, or any round for that matter. Darrell Jackson is intriguing though, if he can recreate his Seattle self he could be a threat.

2-Who is the the 2nd string QB? Seriously, I write this lame blog, read the great Bronco blogs out there, read the RMN and Denver Post Bronco sections, listen to sports talk and it took me a good five minutes to remember the back up QB as other than “whatshisname.” And if Cutler is out, can “that one dude” step in and perform?

3- Will Clady get served? Ryan Clady has already been installed as the starter by the Emperor Shannahan, and will face the bum rush of protecting Cutler right off the bat. Will he be able to handle the AFC West lineman who will be lining up across from him all year? While his stats are impressive, he was knocking chuckleheads from the likes of San Jose State and Utah State around on his pretty blue field all year, not facing Shawne Merriman coming around the end or Jason “Dance!” Taylor tangoing his way to the QB.

Who can kick it like this? Garrett Hartley and Matt Prater. No, those aren’t the two dudes from your high school who got suspended Senior year for filling the assistant principal’s car with milk filled condoms. Those are the two kickers competing for Jason Elam’s vacant job. Red Zone woes may become Red Zone zero in 08.
RELATED: Tribe Called Quest- "Can I Kick It?"


Thursday, May 15, 2008

Diesel Tough

With no vaseline, just a match and a little bit of gasoline...

Seems that BJ and The Bear had a bit of trouble here in CO and spilled the golden goodness that is Keystone Light all over the interstate. Keystone Light, while not the most pleasant tasting beer for those of us who haven't taken a Social Studies class in a decade, is still a fine product of the Coors Brewery and even better when littered all over the pavement.

Seems a few youngsters thought the same thing a reaped the hoppy booty that was discounted to the low price of 'buy none get as many as you can carry free.' Scenes of gangly, mop headed, hoodie wearing teenagers and a few former Slushy Gutter Winners collecting the treasures were shown on the local news,

Then came a warning from Smokey that the not-so-Silver Bullets may be contaminated with some nasty diesel fuel. Leave it to The Man to spoil the fun, and leave it to The Commish to offer up his advice about diesel-fuel contaminated beer.

Some may argue that the diesel fuel may actually improve the taste of Keystone, and if that helps you choke down your free brews, then that is solution one. Solution two, drink it down anyway, diesel fuel and all. Maybe chuck some Red Hot in that shit, remember it adds tang not just heat. If it makes you sick, piss or ralph in your gas tank. Anything helps in these day so high gas prices.

Solution three, gather all that KL and jaunt down to your local grocery store, load all of your tractor trailer freebies into a shopping cart, and then run like hell. Push that basket to the car wash and spray those cans like your cleaning your parents' car that some 16 year old tramp yakked in the passenger seat. Those soon to be cleansed and pouring down your gullet cans will not only be shiny and clean but be Armor all fresh. Enjoy!

RELATED: Grand Daddy IU- "Something New" (featuring the Cock Diesel Crew)


Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The In Crowd is En Fuego

Reasons that Kidz in the Hall's The In Crowd could possibly be the year's top joint thus far and why you should go out or log on and cop that sh*t:

-One MC, one DJ/Producer, and they still call themselves a group (think Pete Rock & CL Smooth, Gangstarr, Eric B & Rakim.
-The MC, Naledge shows that he is already one of the top MCs in the game, not the proverbial "up and comer." He is the rap Chris Paul.
-Collabos galore: Guilty Simpson, Black Milk, Phonte of Little Brother (is he the "underground" version of Lil Wayne; on damn near everyone's albums?), Skyzoo, Camp Lo (yes, that Camp Lo), and Travis McCoy of Gym Class Heroes (don't front, I heard dude on Clinton Sparks' show the other day and he knows his shit.)
-"The Blackout" features DJ GI Joe and is one some straight hard hitting beats. A perfect jump off to the album, think "Boon Dox" from EPMD or Ghostface's "Iron Maiden."
-The duo is on Duck Down Records.
-The first single, "Driving Down the Block" is the first indie rap single to hit MTV's TRL in probably forever. Had mad 16 year olds screaming for the Masta Ace sample from when they were stuffing baby food down their throats.
-Mad pop culture rhyme references: Kimbo Slice, NASCAR, The Next Top Model, and David Blaine among others.
-"Driving Down the Block" features not just one ill-remix with Pusha T and Bun B but a second remix with El-P. Check the latter HERE.
-Requisite Duck Down posse cut with Buckshot and Sean Price.
-The duo rep Penn, not the penitentiary, but the University of Pennsylvania, where they met and formed the group.
-Producer/DJ Double-O assembles a collection of tracks that is hard to define under one broad rap umbrella, crafting a perfect blend of joints.
-Naledge can spit a conscious verse in one track, switch up some interpersonal reflections in another ("Inner Me"), throw in some crafty punchlines and metaphors, brag about his swagger, get all lovey ("Love Hangover") and make you nod ya head all in one album.


Sunday, May 11, 2008

Ya Mama

And at home, it's the same ass story,
Moms treat me like she don't even know me...

Seriously, did LL's mama or grandmother real tell him to knock someone else out? Did anyone elses moms ever ask you to kick the sh*t out of someone? That's one tough, chain smoking, playing poker with some other fierce women, drinking a scotch and water, hair in curlers, profanity speaking moms.

YOU: Mom, Terrence from down the street won't let me play street hockey with him and the other kids.
MOM: Who?
YOU: Terrence.
MOM: Terrence? That little trifling, smells like spam, little piss ant?
YOU: Yeah.
MOM: Shit, his daddy is a damn alcoholic piece of dog shit, and his mama is messing with that dude who works at the auto parts counter, I just know it. You tell Terrence to give you a stick and you go Sidney Crosby on their asses.
YOU: He wont.
MOM: Then you grab a stick and you straight whoop his no good ass. Just pummel him like the dog that he is.
YOU: Uh, mom?
MOM: Don't sass me kid, I brought you in to this world and I'll take your behind out. And I don't care what your father says. Now, you go down there and stick you foot so far up Terrence's ass his breath smells like your sneakers.
LADY PLAYING POKER WITH YOUR MOM: And when your done, run down the way and get your Auntie a six pack of Rolling Rocks, honey.
MOM: You heard her, get going!
OTHER LADY PLAYING POKER: And some beernuts and another pack of Kools, sweety.
YOU: Okay...see you in a while.

RELATED: SG Songs for Mothers Day.

Labels: ,

Friday, May 09, 2008

Hawkins' Gutter Recruitment

I start to think, a very big conscious all around me
Who will be the sucker MC to try to doubt me
Is it you, or you, or you, or you, or him
But I'm like a tree and every lyric is a limb...

CU head honcho Dan Hawkins, never one to stray from a far flung quote or Yogi Berra-like quote, recently had this to say:
"Misery loves company, and I tell our guys, 'The gutter always recruits. The gutter always needs reinforcements.' But sometimes the people that are getting up and getting on in life, they're not doing the same recruiting.”
Dan, you are right. The Gutter does recruit, we recruit the Colorado sports maniacs, guys who want to tell their stories about chucking toilet paper at stoners, dudes who want to drink crazy beers, tailgaters and breakdancers. We recruit guys who want to beat up Brian Fuentes, alcoholics and whinos, those who know all their local bars, cats who know all the words to Run-DMC’s “It’s Like That.” The Gutter recruits frustrated Donk fans, mummies, those who consider Coors Field int he sunshine to the like a shrine, Nebraska haters, those who get physically ill at the sight of the ‘Soulja Boy,’ Nugget apologists and detractors, champions who can pound mass beers in one summer. Dan, we recruit all those who embody the three pillars of all that is the Gutter- Colorado Sports, Hip Hop, and Beer. Dan, this ain’t a chat board, it’s Division One blogging!!!
(from the RMN column by Dave Krieger)


Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Hip Hop or Not?

As a die hard Hip Hop junkie, I am sometimes faced with difficult radio choices when I'm tuned into the dial in the whip. Hip Hop always takes precedent, but over the past few years that mantra has been extremely tested. My listening ears will be more prone to 80's bubblegum pop rather than the rash of ringtone rap that permeates the airwaves. I'll switch to some 90's alternative if the only choice is to wipe it down or party like a rock star. This morning I was faced with a dilemma, which I have dubbed... 'Hip Hop or Not?'

My two choices were Wreckx N Effect's "Rump Shaker" or Journey's "Faithfully."

I ain't gonna front, I had the cassette single for "Rump Shaker" back in early 93. I always liked Lafayette Afro Rock Band’s “Darkest Light” sample first heard on Public Enemy's "Show Em Whatcha Got" that provided the signature horns. But damn, the song is mad corny. Zoom a zoom a zoom zoom? There's not too much difference from that jibberish from the cat hairball rap on your FM dial today.

I ain't gonna front, Journey's Steve Perry has always caught my ear as having one helluva set of pipes. Some ultra personal lyrics about the struggles of being on the road and apart from your loved ones, it can choke some tough guys up. The piano riff and his vocals and of course the video reek of the early 1980s. Of course, the early 80s were some of the height of cheesiness in American pop culture. Nice mustache, Steve, and then he shaves it off in the video! Wow.

I am faced with a difficult choice, Teddy Riley's post New Jack Swing one hit wonder, or the first group to have their own Atari 2600 video game? As with most music, much of the debate comes down to The Commish's memories of his days gone by with the songs. "Rump Shaker" brings back swigging on a Keystone Light, rocking a No Fear hooded flannel, trying to push up on some honey with a skin tight body suit, talking about the 19Naughty3 and Martin. When "Faithfully" was hitting, Commish was tricking out his Huffy with a playing card and a clothes pin, cutting his dogs' whiskers with rounded scissors, and begging his Moms for Voltron toys.

The preset lands on "Rump Shaker," sorry Steve... and a zoom zoom.

Labels: ,

Friday, May 02, 2008

Lyrics To Go 08

I huuuuuuuuurrrrrd some straight heat the other day on Cipha Sounds' Sirius radio show, Ciph's own artist Daytona spitting over the old Tribe "Lyrics To Go" track. As the track progressed I was even more amped when Joell Ortiz (there should be no doubt that Joell is one of the top lyricists in the o8) and Kardinal Ofishall (His 01 debut is a serious slept on joint) offered their own verses. The final verse was by Wordplay, an MC I'm not as familiar with but nonetheless didn't disappoint.

Of course, I'm a sucker for recycled 90s beats and even MCs who don't only rhyme for the sake of riddling. Check it for yourself...

DOWNLOAD: "Lyrics To Go 08" - Daytona f/ Joell Ortiz, Kardinal Ofishall, and Wordplay