Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Girl Next Door...Courtside

How dare you ever try to step on my suede shoes?
Top Gun shut down your Firm like Tom Cruise

Please let me get down and blow a fuse
Actin' fool - breakin' shit down to molecules...

Interesting tidbits from off-the-court during the Nuggets Game four loss to the Lakers:

-Kendra from E!'s Girls Next Door was in attendance, in fact she and Champ Bailey did a ceremonious tip off or something.
"Who's that lady out there Daddy?"
"Some porn skank who's banging some 80 year old, son."

-At game's end, there was a quite a few fans near the Nug's bench jeering Carmelo. Some ahole, feeling a bit inspired by their "you're outta here Melo" cat calls, promptly followed JR Smith from the free throw line until he was in the tunnel screaming "You're the franchise JR, get ready baby, you're the franchise!" Oh yeah, that was me.

-John Elway strolled in nearly at the end of the first quarter like he owned the fuckin place. It is Colorado, so he probably does in most people's eyes.

-There was some dude sitting on the baseline courtside seats that would practically jump on the court after a big Nugs jam, with an And 1 style ferocity. Remember the dude on Chappelle's Show who won "I Know Black People"? He looked alot like him.

-Not only did Kendra and Champ appear together pre-game, but they were together the whole game, and chilling in the Blue Sky Grill at half. Now that's a lock down corner.

-LaLa was sitting in her customary seat at courtside center court, but this time she had a homemade sign that read "It Aint Over" followed by a glittery #15. Maybe she also had on Carmelo's letter jacket and passed him a note in Chemistry class.

-There are four Colorado Mammoth banners hanging in Pepsi Center. That. Is. Fucking. Wack.

Two time Slushy Gutter Winner Mummy was scolded by not one, but two security guards for chanting "no means no" to Kobe Bryant. Keep it classy, keep it classy Denver.

-I can't be 100% sure, but also seen pushing up on Kendra at halftime, someone who looked alot like a new Oakland Raider wide receiver.

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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Nuggets: Another Epilogue

No doubt, leave a rapper in a body cast
And wonder what he was doing while we was in a karate class...

Nugget options as they go down in the first round for the fifth straight year:

-“Blow it all up!” – This seems to be the most popular of the talk radio callers, to completely disassemble this team and “start over.” Many of these callers must’ve forgot the constant “starting over” campaigns of the 90s and early 2000s. The amount of work involved to clean house is monumental and probably isn’t smart basketball and business wise. From the front office, to the coaches, to the players, who is going to effectively manage the entire makeover? Silent Stanley? Rocky? Then you are effectively dropping into last place in the conference while waiting to use draft picks, young players to mature, and management to get on the ground running.

-“Trade Melo!” – Melo would certainly command a pair of first rounders and a front line player. However, would a team be willing to trade for a max player who’s reputation on and off the court is being questioned? We’ve seen Melo look out of shape, defensively inept, and call out his organization and teammates. Surely any team would want that! Still, Melo is a hot name and will bring interest to any team, especially those in the Eastern Conference.

-“Fire Karl!” – This seems the most plausible option, however it is also the most unlikely. Silent Stan and George Karl maintain a personal and business relationship and Karl has two years remaining with a healthy dollar amount. More likely is Karl leaving on his own accord, maybe with a small buyout. At this stage in his life, Karl has the cash and a new attitude that doesn’t give him as mush fire as the Sonics or Bucks’ days. He might see this circus isn’t worth it and retire into the sunset, or maybe move in with Isiah Thomas.

“Camby/AI shipped out”- Marcus Camby realistically has 2-3 years of top performance left, and his trade would benefit a team looking for a solid defensive presence. AI, the guy has done everything they’ve asked, but it just might be time to conclude the experiment hasn’t worked. AI would add instant sizzle to any team he went to, so there would be interest in not only his ability, but in his expiring contract.

For some reason, the name that keeps popping into the basketball-like SG head is TJ Ford of Toronto. The Raptors seem ready to ride Jose Calderon at the point, and are in many ways the Nuggets of the East (tremendous talent, but can’t take the next step.) Would they perhaps be interested in listening to the Nugs? Can Camby order back bacon and Molson? The tide in the West seems to be slowly turning to a point guard-based team (think: Deron Williams, Chris Paul) and Ford would certainly fit that mold.


Thursday, April 24, 2008

There Will Be Blood

One wrecks, the other destroys
And if you think you ready to mess, kill that noise...

I WILL FIGHT Phil Jackson, because he just sits there with that damn smug look on his face while his team runs like a machine and the Nugs flail like a YMCA Pee Wee team.

And bring George Karl too, because he’s getting outcoached like his counterpart is one part Hank Iba, one part Red Auerbach, one part IBM Deep Blue Supercomputer, one part James Naismith, and one part, well, Phil Jackson.

I WILL FIGHT Manny Corpas. One more blown save and ‘straight down the pipe’ fastball to some marginal player and he’s in for it.

And bring Brian Fuentes and the rest of the bullpen, what is this, June 2007?

And bring Clint Hurdle too; he that acts like this is just part of baseball with his non-emotional, condescending baseballese talk after every one of these tank jobs.

I WILL FIGHT the Red Wings. They have as a logo a wheel with a wing on it…reason to throw.
And bring along the Denver media for hyping this like it’s 2000 again. Claude Lemieux ain’t walking through that door fellas!

Oh, but Chris Osgood, Kirk Maltby, Darren McCarty and Nick Lidstrom are? I WILL FIGHT them.

I WILL FIGHT Dan Hawkins for allowing freshman stud OL turned FB Kai Maiava to leave the squad. You just don’t allow frosh all-Big 12 performers to leave your program in less than 9 months.

And yes, that read Offensive Lineman turned Fullback. More reason to FIGHT.

I WILL FIGHT the Central Hockey League for naming their trophy the President’s Cup. Visions of George Bush cycling and untold Bill Clinton jokes fill my head when I hear that.

And bring along the Texas Brahmas, who something called the Colorado Eagles just beat in the CHL playoffs. I WILL FIGHT any team that I have no idea what the name means!

Mike Shannahan because deep down we all know he will draft some dude who is a “project” had “personal issues” or “just knows how to play football.”

And bring along Pat Bowlen, because when they go to the Donks’ War Room shot, he’ll be in there acting like he knows what the f*ck is going on.

RELATED: Erick Sermon f/ Keith Murray- "Hostile"

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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Six Ways to Beat LA

Cause I know, you're gonna wanna kick it wit me
But I know, none of y'all can get with me,

So you think you're protected?

Well you are till you put a funky beat on a record...

Slushy Gutter looks deep inside six possible ways that the Nugs can counter their Game One loss to the Lakers and turn the tide in the series:

1- Vanna White. Pau Gasol has got to be wondering what the f*ck happened to the missing 'L' in his name. It shouldn't matter that he's Spanish, there's no legitimate dude named Pau. Remember that group T'Pau from the 80s? Yeah, they were lame. Pau will see Vanna and be instantly distracted, hoping she has his elusive 'L'

2- Zone. Interviews with the Nugs on Monday revealed a mixed bag on the zone defense that keyed the Nugs' run in the 2nd quarter. When it was used, the team excelled on both ends, and when it was abandoned in the 3rd, the Lakers went right by them. Kenyon Martin seemed a bit perturbed when asked why they stopped the defense, barking "I'm not the head coach." On the other hand, Marcus Camby offered that man to man is the real way top play defense, the- to paraphrase- the manly way. Sh*t, us Nug fans don't care if they play with Little Richard at the point and in pink tutus, manly or not...just win the game.

3- Rugged. How would the Lakers respond if the Nugs went mid-90s Knicks and started to hack and play extremely rough? The knock on European players that they are soft could come to fruition if the Nugs employ the 'Bad Boy' style (not, I'm not talking shiny suits.) Would Kobe further stray from the lane and would Lil' Walton be keen to banging inside with the Nugs?

4- Pearl Street in L.A.- Get a few dudes with hemp hoodies, a hacky sack, a couple Samuel Smith beers, and a couple chicks spinning hoops, and Pau Gasol and his granola-ass look would forget about hoops and join the drum circle. And Bill Walton would probably drag Luke there too

5- Insert crude Kobe Bryant joke here.

6- Reshuffle- The game slowed down when Carmelo came back in with the Nugs holding the lead and what seemed to be massive momentum in the 2nd. Melo should hold the ball for no more than a few seconds before slashing, dishing, or shooting. His back down style in Game One stifled JR Smith and Linas Kleiza, who were flying all over the court. If Melo can't get with the flying style, he needs to spend a bit more time on the bench.


Sunday, April 20, 2008

Unwanted Visitor

Now here I go, once again, with the ill flow
Other MC's that rap, their style is so-so...

A long lost friend reappeared this week, he's been out of the scene for about 5 years, probably boozing it up in Saskatoon. It's Hockey Commish, and that ahole wouldn't leave me alone.

He comes around acting like he knows the ins and outs of the Avs, spouting how Jose Theodore stole Game Five against the Wild. "He robbed the entire franchise, he should be arrested for theft!" He bellows as he swings another one of my Coors Lights. He's so damn loud, screaming at the TV, scaring the dog and spilling chips all over. He acts like he has so much contempt for some players; "I see you Boogaard, you fuck! Why don't you get another vowel in your name you gangly pirate hooker!"

His wit is unimpressive.

He tries to coach me on the Avs finer points, "Look at Smyth, have you ever seen a guy do so much and not have any tangible evidence in the box score?" Then he swills another beer. "Check out the Avs' defense, they are the ones dumping it, not the Wild, and look at Marion Gaborik. Oh that's right, you can't, because Foote and the boys have been ass plugging him all series."

I'm not sure how long Hockey Commish is going to be around, eating my grub, wasting my internet on, leaving burnt popcorn in the microwave, laughing like a hyena at old Sinbad movie, berating me for being an NBA fan. It appears he'll be here another few weeks, maybe even more. He's already taking aim at the Avs' possible opponents.

"Red Wings can straight get the dick."


Friday, April 18, 2008

Working Extra

I rocks hardcore even when I dress suited
On some business shit my street is deep rooted...

Seamheads of the Rocky Mountain region might be a bit bleary eyed after Rockies West Coast games the next morning, but this am an extra Mountain Dew or Double Starbucks may be needed. The Rox and Padres went into the wee hours of the morning, almost 2:30am MST in a 22 inning game which eventually the good guys won, 2-1.

The 6 hour fest featured every position player used, every pitcher from Jeff Francis, Jake Peavy, the collective bullpens, Bruce Hurst, Steve Garvey, Marvin Freeman, Dan Fouts, and Goose Goosage. The game telecasters were in a strange TV time slot usually reserved for Mork and Mindy reruns and infomercials. Hell, not even Matthew Lesko is on at 2am, his little brother "Petey" is selling how to get free money from the bottom of sewer grates.

The good news is the Rockies pitching came through the entire night, especially starter Jeff Francis, who pitched nearly flawless from innning 1 to the 8th. Brian Fuentes is nearly unhittable in the season's early going, and if closer Manny Corpas falters more, will we see Fuentes back in the closer role? The remaining of the bullpen also shined. The bad news is the AA Tulsa Drillers will be called up to play the Astros tonight.


Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Straight 10s for Andre 3000

That the morals that you think you got go out the window
When all the other kids are fresh and they got new Nintendo
Wiis, And yo' child is down on her knees
Praying hard up to God for a Whopper with cheese...

Just blowing up across the mean net streets, your non-play the same 15 "Hip Hop" tracks radio station, or your satellite radios is the new Big Boi joint "Royal Flush" from his anticipated solo joint Sir Lucius Left Foot.

Funny named album, hot as all hell track. Big Boi offers a solid verse, coupled with an old Isley Brothers song and guest verses from Wu's Raekwon and Outkast partner Andre 3000. Yes, it would've been Loud Record's hottest joint in 1995, and it is still straight heat in 2008.

Rae delivers his standard lowkey bars, coupling drug references and requisite huh? lyrics, but it is Dre's shit that is the standout of the track, and perhaps of the year thus far. After possible having 07's two top verses on UGK's "International Player's Anthem" and DJ Drama's "Art of Storytelling Part 4," Dre just kills it again on his own partner's track. Apparently working with Woody Harrelson has inspired him lyrically to go just beyond his previous ish.


"Royal Flush"- Big Boi f/Raekwon and Andre 3000 (Youtube)


Monday, April 14, 2008

Spring Practice Ass Kicks

I throw a screwball and strike out the MC
and if he temps me
I knock em out like Jack Dempsey...

What seems to be an emerging theme in the Republic of Boulder is the football team beating tons of ass. Not on the field, where they manged to do that 6 of 13 times, but rather off the field, where three players have been popped by Boulder 5-0 for wrecking shop.

The latest is backup linebacker Jake Duren, a walk on who saw action in every game last year and is a special teams' standout. In this Saturday's last scrimmage, Duren had an outstanding game, and was even singled out by the coaches.

Fast forward less than a day later, and Duren was found passed out in a hallway, bloodied, and a nearby truck window faced the wrath that Buff fans hoped opposing QBs would this fall.

Coach Hawk showed Duren no Hawk Love and promptly dismissed him from the squad. This ain't intramurals, indeed.

In what is a volatile mix of youth, stardom, an emerging team, alcohol, testosterone, and knuckleheads looking to test their own manhood, football players are under tremendous pressure. Not only to win, but to conduct themselves above the standard college tomfoolery.

Coach Hawk may be facing his toughest opponent yet- more than that of Alabama, Texas, Florida State, and West Virginia. As Hawk's teams improve, high school studs arrive with a greater sense of entitlement, and all the entrapments that come along with 18 and 19 year old egos. Hawk must face these kids as they become men, and convince them not to turn their back on the field, yet tread that line off it and take a high road.

With his dismissal of Duren, Hawk's gameplan is taking shape. Act like a buffoon off the field, you won't be a Buff on the field.


Thursday, April 10, 2008

Why don't you purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?

I been dope, suspenseful with a pencil
ever since Prince turned himself into a symbol...

Like most of Colorado, the SG jumped on the Avs' bandwagon last night and was treated like it was 2001 all over again as the home team won an OT thriller over the Minnesota Wild 3-2.

We won't front and breakdown much of the game (Theodore was good, Foote was the man) but rather comment on the opposition, the Minnesota Wild. The Wild as in "rarrrrr," we're animals. Not "Girls Gone Wild," although that would be bad ass...super bad ass. Avs- 3, Foraging Animals- 2.

Whoever came up with the name and the color scheme of that franchise must also work for the Holiday Stars on Ice. It looked like the Avs were playing Santa's Elves out there, and that massive Derek Boogaard dude? He looked like Will Ferrell in Elf. Avs-3, Peppermint Sticks-2.

Back to the name: Wild. There was no better name? Norwegian heritage! Dang, that's taken. Lots of lakes! Shit, they play in LA now. A type of wolf that is also a lumberjack? Oh yeah, so close, the local NBA team has that. Twin cities! Damn, Kent Hrbek just phoned that one in. The home of Prince! Now that would've been perfect, The Minnesota Revolutions? The Minnesota Darling Nikkis, The Purple Rainers, The (Undecipherable symbols). Avs-3, Blouses-2.


Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Calipari is the Culprit

At the age of 19, heard the scene
A lot of M.C.'s that do not come clean
Fronting on dealing hard times in rhymes
You see him in the streets and you see no signs...

John Calipari, what the fuck?

Your strange coaching decisions at the end of yesterday’s NCAA Championship game has left a stench here in Colorado and across the Big 12.

By allowing KU to come back and claim the crown, you have unleashed an arrogant, egotistical, snooty behemoth on us: the KU basketball fan.

Until now, they invaded the Coors Event Center en masse, cheered like giddy school girls seeing Omarion, chanted strange slogans that made no sense, waved their arms like “waves of wheat”, and left our building like a John leaves a cheap hooker.

Now, with their new found title, they will amp up that disdain for, as they deem us, Colorado college basketball unsophisticates, us lowly mountain folk who don’t know the difference between Paul Pierce and a pierced eyebrow, an alley oop from a mountain bike loop, or rock chalk from Birkenstocks.

Thanks Cal, the sea of blue with their 2008 National Championship t-shirts will grow in size, many of whom will finally retire those always fresh Danny Manning caricature t-shirts from 88. The few remaining of us Black and Gold supporters will be further tempted to sell our ducats to the masses flocking in from Oakley, Goodland, Russell and every point in between blowing tumbleweeds and Slushee-dispensing Kwik-E-Marts in Western Kansas.

Dammit John. I’ll have to listen to how Bucknell was actually the best low seed ever, how many damn KU players are in the NBA, how KU is a direct descendent of the inventor of the game, and how us Colorado folk should just be honored to have the Jayhawks even set foot in our usually empty gym. If it gets to the level of Nebraska football fans, John, I just might fight you.

Thanks John. And did I mention there’s not even any beer there anymore to soothe my ringing ears and painful eyes?


Saturday, April 05, 2008

Stale Coors

Events from yesterday's journey to Opening Day, an annual event in the realm of the SG:

-10am, we are the first car parked in the lot. A young Russian gal makes former two-time Slushy Gutter winner Mummy repark his car in the "second" spot. Maybe she was saving the first for Vladimir Putin.

-LoDo is bustling. They are giving away everything from
energy drinks to magnets, backpacks, trail bars, free hysterectomies, gallons of rancid pickles, and WD-40.

-There are lots of liquor "girls" abound. The Jager Girls are a rough bunch, choking down heaters and jaywalking. I score some free beads from them.

-Our friend The Champ calls, he informs us some "22 year old hottie" is picking him up to take him downtown. No word if it is Ashley Olson.

-Beer #1 arrives in my mouth at about 10:30 on the roof of LoDos. Smoo
-Beer #2 follows soon after.

-Twisted Sister comes on over the loud speaker. I knew I should've worn pink
eyeliner and my shoulder pads.

-Mummy suggests we start chanting "titties, titties!" in an effort to see a flashing war.

-A girl from Shotgun Willies gives us about 10 free passes.

-Three time Slushy Gutter Winner JL Smooth and Mummy argue on the age of one female patron. JL says nearly 50, while Mummy says late 20s. Beer goggle math sets in.

-Shots arrive. The Commish never does shots. Today he does. The word is "ugly."

-Mummy comments on a girl who is "chewing her gum like a horse." After some reflection he counters himself with "I don't think horses chew gum." That's deep.

-JL Smo
oth points out a burly man wearing a 1993 era Hobie cat tank top, Dolphin shorts and hiking boots. Colorado Rockies baseball: the great unifier.

-Slick Rip arrives, he is wearing an Arizona hat. We are not impressed.

-Another debate, this time on the color of another female patron's eyes. Juck and Mummy say a blue, I say yellow. Yes, yellow eyes.

-We are in the bar area and spot Broz. My man Clarence Cricket has arrived too. The gang's all here, maybe we can try to drink 5000 beers or some stupid shit.

-We are walking towards Coors Field. We actually debate where the actual "slushy gutter" incident took place some 10 years ago. We cannot reach a consensus.

-I secure my first be
er at the game, bastards have raised the prices a quarter. That could translate into thousands of dollars lost for the SG Crew.

-3-0 D-Backs in the first. Mark Redman is a douchebag.

-I try to go into the restroom using the exit door. I am stopped by a bearded man and some other guy; we wrestle. They have appointed themselves the guardians of the restroom exit. I am mocked by the masses.

-The D-Backs are kicking our ass all over. We have one hit. If the beers we have drank counted for runs, we would be killing them.

-I'd rather have Redman pitching.

-Todd Helton smacks a late solo homer. Too bad it wasn't one of those 'Rock and Jock' 20-point home runs.

-I hail a cab, strangely the cab looks exactly like Mrs. Commish's ride and the driver looks exactly like Mrs. Commish.

-The Rockies record stands at 1-3. 158 games remain, that's alot of quarters. Eric Byrnes is still a douchebag.

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Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Three's Company

Scared of a bunch of water, then get out the rain
Order a rapper for lunch and spit out the chain

Three stars from last night’s mighty troika o’ victories that seriously challenged the Colorado sports fans’ remote:

1-Peter Forsberg- If we were back in elementary school, this would prompt calls of “no, duhhhh” from the masses (seriously, use that term at you office or job today; “Jenkins, we need those TPS reports by 3pm!” You: “Well, no duhhhhh.”) Peter the Great did what he does best, assisted on a goal, and just got ill on a breakaway goal that essentially won the game and clinched a playoff spot. Most importantly, Peter was out there being his typical “asshole on the ice” self, disrupting the opposition’s game and being a gerneal pest.

2-Kip Wells- The Rockies’ starter was nearly flawless in the mulligan opener versus the Redbirds, offering a steady diet of fastballs that nary allowed a runner past second base. Clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap Tulo! was the only offense for the Rox in a 2-1 win. Wells’ will be well (say that five times fast) suited for more spot starts and will most likely fill in when another starter goes down with injury.

3-Mayor John Hickenlooper- That dorky white dude with the Cosby sweater sitting underneath the hoop at the Pepsi Center? That’s the mayor of Our Town; his 1988 Coogi Sweater he was sporting must’ve given the Suns some sort of toxic vertigo as they missed their last handful of shots. The Nuggets nearly succumbed to the same plot as Monday night, but Anthony Carter’s stellar defense and Marcus Camby’s clutch shooting helped ths Nugs climb back into #8 and end our April Fools’ experiment.

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Tuesday, April 01, 2008

April Fool

Straight from the land of the lost
I'ma hit you with the funk force
That makes you run your rap style back to the crack vile...

April Fools came a few hours early last night, didn’t it?

Because there’s no way a NBA team, flush with talent, can blow a 22 point lead, right?

Is Sidd Finch going to play for the Nuggets too?

That wasn’t Steve Nash and Raja Bell knocking down four consecutive 3 pointers and George Karl looking helpless on the bench. No way. That had to be a staged game or something. Were the El-Jebel circus performers out there?

That had to be a demo for a new EA Hoops game, one that you can take control of Amare Stoudamire and drive the lane at will in the fourth quarter (with no defense in your way) and dunk, lay it in, and pick up fouls on the opposition. Was there some voice over screaming “he’s heating up!”

Maybe Altitude switched the game by accident with the And 1 Tour, because the level of defense being played by the Nugs in the 2nd half was equal to that of Hot Sauce and The Professor. Maybe Escalade could’ve played better defense in the paint?

Was there anyone out there who wasn’t in on this cruel joke to stand up and say ‘I wont let this happen’ and crack some heads, sink some free throws, grab some boards, ie, show some leadership?

I look at the standings and see the Nugs in the #9 seed, recheck it on the radio, recheck it on the net. The joke must be on me.