Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Helton Safe At Home

I'm like Tyson, icin, I'm a soldier at war
Makin' sure you don't try to battle me no more
Got concrete rhymes been rappin for ten years
and even when I'm braggin I'm bein' sincere...

Talks between the Red Sox and Rockies for a possible Todd Heton deal finally broke down when the Sox refused to deal the Blake Street Bumblers an "impact" player. Rockies Nation (a laughable term to begin with) is very satisfied with the non-deal, as the backlash of a Helton deal could've sent the organization spiralling to Royals status. Talk radio here in the 303 was ablaze yesterday with the requisite "I will never attend another game" talk if the deal went down. This time for many, it wasn't a threat.

Helton is the cliche "face of the franchise," a player one would think would return to his 2003 type numbers sooner than later. He's battled injuries and strange maladies and according to the trainers and staff, is in tremendous shape this offseason. This isn't some geezer hanging on for a season or two, but a 33 year old who was the last person to keep Peyton Manning on the bench while at Tennessee. Yes, he eats up nearly a third of the payroll, but maybe it's time for the owners to realize they can actually increase the payroll? Why this franchise feels it is on the same financial plane as the A's, Marlins, Rays, and Pirates is beyond me. The team still averages a nice amount of people, has great corporate sponsoships, money making suites, and $6 beers to boot. They don't need to be in the Bronx, Fenway, or Chavez Ravine sphere, but certainly can pony up to match the Mariners or Astros.

There is one downside to the deal that wasn't: the fact that us here in CO won't get to be reunited with the craziness that is Julian Tavarez.


Friday, January 26, 2007

The Other Slushy Gutter

Yo I walk in the place, kicks un-laced
with a bitter beer face, A 40?, nah a whole case
with flows like these, we not your average MC's
we be the drunken masters of ceremonies...

People always ask me: 1)"why are you such a d*ckhead," and 2) "what happenned to the three pillars of the SG? Yeah, we get your bullsh*t about CO sports and the diatribes about Hip Hop, but what's up with the beer? "

I've slacked on the beer posting since the conclusion of the Summer Mission, but now I offer you the realness of the Slushy Gutter. This coming weekend I will award the annual Slushy Gutter Award to the drunkest of the loose consortium of derelicts I chill with. And, as per protocol, they will be forever identified within these pages.

Here are some of the drunken acts that will be taken into consideration for the award:
-Wore a pair of his friend’s wife’s jean shorts
-Lost his car after a Bronco game
-Stood on top of the bar in a crowded bar and downed a beer
-Snorted hot chili pepper at BW-3
-Got lost in his own bathroom at home
-Snorted hot chili pepper at Old Chicago
-Phoned in late night (2am) drunk game reviews of Tivo’ed CU games to the work voice mail
-Missed a flight so got hammered at the bar instead
-Drove 500 miles to Kansas for a football game but missed it because of a hangover
-Calls his wife “Un-American” when she told it was time to go home
-Passes out on a couch and everyone completely covers him with dog toys
-Got locked out of a party and slept in a garage
-Got locked out of his mother in laws and pounded beers in his truck
-Laid across railroad tracks while going from one bar to the next
-Said he would “shit on the hood” of a nearby Porsche
-Climbed through a dog door after a night of drinking because he forgot his keys. Made it through the door only to remember he had a garage keypad
-Stared down a 10 year old while drinking on the concourse at a Bronco game
-Set off his own car alarm in his garage late one night after drinking
-While trying to get to a tailgate spot, had to traverse a 6-foot retaining wall, which he struggled to get up even with chants of “Rudy”
-Sleeps in the back of a Chevy Blazer on top of some golf clubs
-Claims he doesn’t remember much of the SD-Broncos football game
-Loses his keys and can’t get into his house, after 5 minutes of searching, they’re in his pocket
-Claims he wants to “napalm the entire state of Nebraska” and incurs his wife’s wrath
-Does cartwheels in the street
-Fastens many straws together into a “superstraw” that is used to sip beers on the other side of the table
-Wears antlers on his head
-Tried to do a keg toss on the front lawn of a dormitory
-Slid down a fenced off steep hill while trying to make their way from LoDo to Mile High
-After pushing a stuck driver out of a snow bank, stops to pee in said snow. The bathroom was about 50 yards from there
-Calls every woman in LoDo a “whore". Loudly.
-Crawls into bed with his buddy, and he wasn’t wearing pants
-Were present when their friends got a bill for 48 Coors Lights at BW-3
-Relieved himself into a cup while standing in line at a Bronco game
-Had a scalding hot pizza put on his nads while passed out and didn’t awake
-Drank 528 beers in a 14 week period
-Went outside to heat his car up at 11pm, left it running until 12:30 after a few beers
-While playing erotic puzzle games on a game console at a bar, he licked the screen
-Moved to the CU student section because they wanted to sit behind a girl with “big hooters"
-Tried to do the beer on beer bottle thing and broke his own bottle
-Wrestled in the snow on the street and one ended up completely shirtless in 20 degree weather
-Made lewd comments about a 17 year olds “big rigs” with her boyfriend there
-Took three beers from a party “for the way home.” He lived about 5 minutes away
-Took a sh*t at an RTD stop, and had to wipe his a** with his shirt. Discarded said shirt on way to dinner with in-laws. Had the whole dinner with a camo hunting jacket zipped up the whole way reeking of sh*t
-Drinking Captain Morgan from the traveler at 3am like it was a soda pop
-Did a keg stand at a tailgate party
-Intentionally threw a dart into his wall to “get it over with”

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Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Dynamic Duo

Cuz I cause disasters like the Dukes of Hazard
I'll shatter you kid if you step punk bastard
Zero, Weirdo, the Funk Superhero
Yeah you scare me, just like a scarecrow...

-The Tat Pack
-Sucker Punch & Judy
-Carmallen (Tabloid name)
-Kid N Play (AI rocked the fade in the day)
-Hoop Camp Click
-Run ANC
-Miles High per Allen
-PC Posse (Pepsi Center)
-No Passidy & The Jumpshot Kid
-The Bronze Medal Standard
-100 Shots and Runnin'
-Denver Ink
-Power Blue Ballz
-Children Of The Corn Row
-Drop It Like It's Hot, Karl!
-Dunk Doobiest
-Holy Crossover
-Smackman and Robin
-Head Fake and Hardwood Blues
-Auraria Assassins
-A Tribe Called Hess (Steve Hess, the Denver trainer)
-Kroenke's Kidz
-Canibus (Carmelo, Allen, Nuggets is ballin...Utah Sucks)


Tuesday, January 23, 2007

R.A. The Rugged Man Live

I'm a modern day Ozzy Osbourne
Bitin bats heads off and bustin nuts in your pop corn
Wonderin how this ugly motherf*cker got on

Me and former Slushy Gutter winner JL Smooth and two-time Slushy Gutter winner T-Dub were ready after a day of football to roll into LoDo to catch the RA The Rugged Man show. Once again, we were gaffled by the Artic BS snow that has been steady dropping on CO for five weeks now. RA couldn't make it into town, and skipped Denver and went straight to his next gig in the sleepy hamlet of Bozeman, Montana. I'm sure the citizens of Bozeman won't know quite what to make of him.

RA is an unique MC in the game today, his stories of yesteryear permeate his rhymes. Signed to Jive at an early age, troubles with the label, homelessness, tales from LI and more name dropping than an episode of Entourage. Lyrically, RA is on-point, as he can flow steadily or switch it up and hit some Big Pun "dead in the middle of Lilttle Italy" type ish for an entire verse. Also interjected is some real ill, sick sh*t, but hey, it's a sick world.

RA on myspace
RA offers one writer his "sloppy seconds" (Byron Crawford)
Video: "Lessons"

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Saturday, January 20, 2007

Jump On...Jump Off

No talk or playing, sucker MC's I be slaying
Get off the bandwagon, you know what I'm saying?

I devastate the hip-hop scene

Keep the feet moving like a dancing machine...


-Number of LeBron jersies at last night's Nugs win over The Chosen One, Sideshow Bob, and the rest of the Cleveland cronies: 100's
-Number of people in said jersies who could tell me about World B Free, Brad Daugherty, Craig Ehlo, Larry Nance, or Nate Thurmond: probably none

-Ticket price for the Yankees visit to Coors Field this summer: $75
-Number of other games you could see with that $75: About 20
-Number of fake Yankee fans that will be in the stands who couldn't mutter "fahgituabutit" or tell tell you where the Boronx even was (but they saw Jay-Z wearing the hat!): 1000's

-People walking around town now in their faded 1986 Bears gear: many
-Numbered surprised that Walter Payton had passed on, Jim McMahon (or most people call him 'Ed') is 50, and The Fridge is retired: many

-Number of people logging onto to the Colorado Rapids web site to see when Becks and his wife's tits will be coming to Dick's Sporting Goods Park: 100's
-People who think Dick's Park is a DVD they watched at their bachelor party: 100's

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Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Rick Neu: I'm Still Bitter

Little Sally Walker, sittin in a saucer,
Oh, how I tossed that ass up
Like a mission in the woods,
woody woodpecker would if he could,
But I didn't want to pass it up...

My old buddy Rick Neuheisel recently got named as Offensive Coordinator for the Baltimore Ravens. Him and Brian Billick, what a pair! You know what they say about birds of a feather. I wonder if ol' Slick Rick mentioned any of these on his stellar resume:

  1. Got the CU head coaching job by essentially flirting with the University President
  2. Couldn't run the ball if he was handed OJ Simpson and the 1970's Steelers O-Line
  3. Gambled in a HIGH stakes March Madness tourney and was fired for it
  4. Told a locker room of his players to "say Merry Christmas with your headgear" before the 98 Aloha Bowl
  5. Recruited during "quiet periods" when no recruiting was permitted
  6. Once recruited 11 wide receivers and 2 o-Lineman in one class
  7. Was censured by AFCA chairman Fisher DeBerry for "showing little remorse for his actions"
  8. Downplayed his University's game with their chief rival
  9. Never beat said chief rival
  10. Made the entire state of Oregon hate him
  11. Said he wanted to be to Colorado like Joe Pa was to Penn State
  12. Lied to his boss about interviewing with the SF 49ers
  13. Was chased all over the practice field by a frothing o-lineman who was covinced he was bringing the program down
  14. Left his postion at Colorado while a flock of top notch blue chips were on their recruting visits
  15. Oh, NCAA sanctions
  16. Played as a scab for the San Diego Chargers during the 1987 NFL strike
  17. Took over a top ten Big Eight program and left as a mid-dweller in the Big 12, where it still is today, nine years later
  18. Initially sowed the seed for what would become the CU recruiting "scandal"
  19. Perfected the art of "bumping" into recruits. (Oh, Bryan. I didn't know you'd be here...in you school...in this classroom.")
  20. Again, more NCAA trouble, 18 violations to be exact
  21. Was not allowed to recruit off campus as a result of NCAA troubles
  22. Played QB for the San Antonio Gunslingers
  23. Inner tubing, skiing, playing guitar on the job
  24. Called Colorado, who gave him his first shot at Head Coach, a "have not" in D1
  25. Was accused of tampering with his old players at CU by Gary Barnett
  26. Forfeited an entire season of victories for using an ineligible player
  27. Won a Rose Bowl behind QB Marques Tuiappososo, a player he recruited at CU...to play linebacker
  28. Was caught by camera at a nationally televised game at Michigan going ape shit on his QB
  29. Sued his former employer for $4.5 million..and won
  30. Has a bad haircut
But I'm not bitter. I'm not, really. Great hire Brian, I'm sure Steve McNair and the fellas are going to love it.


Sunday, January 14, 2007

Hoops Wasteland

Got crazy game, so no one can stop me
But ay yo, I'm white, I guess my game is hockey

Or basketball, football, taking papes in poker

If honeydip got a moneyclip I'm gonna stroke her...

With only three NFL games over just two days remaining, many sports fan's attention now turns to the pageantry, the tradition, the desire and emotion of college basketball. Here in Slushy Gutter land, college basketball is a akin to the pageantry of judging a pig slop.

The Colorado basketball team is a squad that is a level below rock bottom. They are currently 0-3 in conference, with just four wins overall. Those wins? A buzzer beater versus Northern Colorado, a opening win over Denver, a win over an equally miserable Utah team, and another over Central Florida. Impressive, if it's in Beer Pong maybe.

The fans are staying away in droves, witness the below 3k for a game versus the nation's #9 team. That's including the 1000 fans of the other team, tickets that legend Chauncey Billups donates, and the wayward hippies who took a acid-induced wrong turn. The arena has the charm of a visit to the local grass farm. The students haven't bothered to mass unless the team is giving away free Keystone Lights. Next month the Coors Event Center will become Lawrence West as the Squawkers pay their annual visit to give us a glimpse of real D1 hoops. Things are looking up.

0-16 in the conference is not just a possibility, but a most likely scenario. If not for the cancellations due to the North Dakota climate that has engulfed CO lately, this team would crack 25...losses. In other words, the next coach won't have a rebuilding job, but rather complete Jenny Jones makeover with a Ty Pennington wreck em and start from scratch.


Thursday, January 11, 2007

Dante's Inferno

Swing swing swipe! I get MC's on my third strike
My hot dog is done, I'm in the dugout, check it
I know I wreck shop, tip-top, heads bop, heads drop
and many rappers get senile...

Rockies Nation is proud and beaming the past few days, as Dante Bichette received three votes in the recent Hall of Fame voting. That’s the baseball Hall of Fame, not the Mullet Hall of Fame, or the Lazy Outfielder Giving Up Triples and Inside the Park Home Run Hall of Fame, or the Fatty Hall of Fame, or even the Inflated Coors Field Numbers Hall of Fame.

We’d all like to see which three writers voted for Dante and the papers they represent. Perhaps it was The Meth Times Tribune, or the Crack Courier, or the Dementia Daily? He finished ahead of such MLB luminaries as Jay Buhner and Wally Joyner, and just behind former teammate Bret Saberhagen. We can make the push in 08 and actually build a Rockies’ wing! (Former Rox player Dale Murphy also received votes.)
(NOTE: Way back in the late 80s we played Fantasy Baseball and former Slushy Gutter winner Juck drafted a young Dante with California. We used to play "doubleheaders" where we would divide our rosters into two teams. Juck put his lineups into a "white" and "black" team and put Dante on his black team. It wasn't until weeks later when we finally got a Dante baseball card that we discovered his actual skin color. A few weeks later we learned his name was pronounced "Bichette," not "Bichettey." True story.)

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Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Jersey Drive

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you
Without a strong rhyme to step to
Think of how many weak shows you slept through
Time's up, I'm sorry I kept you...

I’ve never been a big jersey guy. Note the lower case, not an upper case implying that I wear sweat suits, eat huge amounts of pasta, and love refineries and big hair. I’m talking a smooth jersey, either to support your team or sport in a bad rap video. Throughout the years I’ve owned a handful of jersies of players from yesteryear:

My dad hooked me up with a Jim McMahon jersey back in the wake of the Super Bowl XX and soon thereafter, McMahon was mostly affixed to the bench riddled by injuries. Although the jersey served a purpose by being a lazy Halloween costume: add headband and RayBans- bam – I’m styling.

Fast forward to the mid-90s and a few friends pitched in and got me a LaPhonso Ellis Nuggets’ jersey. I was a huge Fonz guy then, so much so that my “number” when I paged friends was “20.” Ahhh, the days of pagers. Unfortunately after the gift, Fonz suffered a severe knee injury and was never the same player he was in the 1994 Nugs playoff run.

A few years after, my girlfriend (now my wife), bought me a #30 Broncos’ Terrell Davis jersey. I was styling in it, but sure enough, TD had a knee injury chasing down a player after a Brian Griese INT and ultimately retired a few years later. I can almost pass it off as a “throwback” jersey since he was a pretty important cog in the Bronco Super Bowl years.

One can never know with a pro jersey these days. You shell out $85 for a Jason Jennings and next thing you know they’re at TJ Maxx for $9.99. Think of the countless dweebs with Theo Flury Avs’ sweaters, Tim Hardaway Nugs’ jersey, or a Kavika Pittman Broncos’ jersey. And if you have a Bradlee Van Pelt Broncos’ jersey, just slap yourself now.

The one pro jersey I can see myself possibly buying over the next few months is a Darrent Williams’ Bronco jersey. Like Cardinal fans with Pat Tillman, it is the ultimate tribute. I was never a huge Williams’ fan, but I think sporting a D-Will jersey in honor of the man is a statement. A way to tell folks that you aren’t going to look the other way by senseless violence and thuggery that seems to be permeating our society. A basic respect for human life and decency.

Williams case may be solved, but what about the countless other gang-related murders that are just a statistic? Perhaps my new Williams’ jersey is my small way of bringing light to it. One love.

Open Door Youth Gang Alternatives- a Denver-based organization


Friday, January 05, 2007

06 Spit: Top Beers and CO Beer Spots

-A Blue Moon at the Hotel Colorado outdoor bar- Any trip to Glenwood Springs would be remiss without a stop to this historic hotel. The claim to fame is Teddy Roosevelt stayed there and named the “teddy bear” in the Presidential suite. The real highlight is a awesome Mountain Summer night sipping a cold one with close friends and family.

-A Corona on the roof of the Downtown Tavern- Nothing hits the spot on a blazing Summer day better than a cerveza con limon on the LoDo rooftop. After a Rockies game, or a pregame wet-the-whistle is a must during the MLB season. If you stick around long enough and the suds flow a bit more freely, you may see some tatas in an impromptu “flashing war” with the other local bar rooftops.

-A Coors Original at the National Western Stock Show- Go old school and down a classic “Yellow Dog” with all the cowboys, vaqueros, ranchers, and city slickers at the NWSS. You can hang out in the basement of the complex at the bar, or go mobile while looking at miles of pleasant smelling livestock. Don’t forget your ten gallon hat, Wranglers, and shit kickers to match 16 ounces of Rocky Mountain refreshment.

-A CL at the Boulder Illegal Pete’s- As my tolerance for the Harvest House wore on (too many opposing fans, too much Miller- yuck!) we shifted to The Hill and the newer upstairs bar at Illegal Pete’s. With ice cold smoooooooooooth CL pints for $2, early games on the TVs, and giant burritos, this was the perfect place to discuss the ills of our 2-10 football team.
-A BL at the Carbondale Mountain Fair- A cold plastic bottle of the enemy's brew is a cool refreshement in the strange mountain town. Among hippies, artsy fartsy types, mountain men, Aspen elite, immigrants, and the everday folk, the international language of beer puts us all on the same page. (NOTE: This was the only time this past year that the Kid was told it was too early to have beer; they made me come back in 10 minutes when the beers were "ready".)

-A Bloody Mary at Denver Intl Airport- Okay, it’s not a beer, but crafting a Bloody Mary is a fine art, and DIA has it down. Whether you’re all geeked up to get to some tropical locale, going to root for your local team to lose, going to see Grandma and her dog Pebbles, or going to get shut down on a sales call, the DIA BM is the perfect elixir.

-A Green CL at Fado’s- The local LoDo Irish pub nearly quadruples its size on St. Patrick’s Day Saturday by renting out the entire Coors Field west parking lot. That’s enough room for countless Colorado denizens (home of the country’s second largest SP Parade) to get extremely drunk and pretend they’re Irish for a day on Golden’s finest with added green food coloring.

-A Michelob Ultra at Folsom Field- Who said they banned beer at Folsom in 1995? After a Memorial Day jaunt through Boulder in the 10K Bolder Boulder, the best reward for your physical fitness is an ice cold Ultra compliments of the race organizers.

-A CL on my front porch- My favorite beer is an ice cold smoooooooooth CL on my own front porch. Me and my beautiful wife and my mellow yellow dog sit back, relax, and watch our suburban world go by. Most of you will never make it to my porch, but you all have someplace similar and someone special to share a spot with like mine. Next time you’re there, take it in and crack a smile and think of the Kid at the SG Summer, because like me, there’s not a place in the world you’d rather be. Happy New Year!

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