Shanny Must Break You

Give it up, it's a juice thing I'm steppin for the rep and
wreckin all the rest and, weapon testin on who's stepping…

Safety John Lynch came to the Donks four years ago at nearly the top of his game, helping the team to consecutive playoff appearances his first two years. He instantly became a media and fan darling, hawking Champion windows in cheesy commercials and a myriad of other products along the airwaves.

In the team’s only playoff game versus the Patriots following the 2005 campaign, Lynch played perhaps his finest game, stifling Tom Brady and the Pats all night long.

From there on the field it waned, Lynch lost a step or two or three, and the Broncos missed the playoffs for two straight seasons. Lynch seemed to be in too many highlights of opposing receivers crossing the goal line.

In this past off season, a few head-scratching moves occurred among the franchise and Lynch. First, the team practically begged Lynch to come back for another year. He obliged. Next, the team brought in safety Marlon McCree, a former starter in San Diego. McCree would effectively be penciled in to compete with Lynch at the safety slot. Finally, Lynch skipped the Bronco’s “voluntary” workouts at Dove Valley to complete in a “Rocky in the USSR” type workouts in San Diego.

Label this corner as the final event essentially being the one that punched Lynch’s ticket out of Our Town. Coach Shanahan constantly refers to the “99 percent” off season workouts, almost to the point that it is a dig at Lynch for being the missing piece. We all know that Shanny has become the Ayatollah, with a tightening grip on his authoritae the past few years, and here is his starting safety, a team leader, not around? He forgoes Shanny’s right hand man, Rich Tuten and his scientific Drago workouts, to haul logs and boulders and run hills on the beach?

Camp opens, and Lynch is more a spectator that player. Five days in and Lynch is out like the San Diego breezes that he could be enjoying as a member of the Chargers.

Shows that not even the most well liked, respected, and locker room leader isn’t immune to the Coach’s orange-hued skin and his stern glare.

Balkmon in Effect

Some MC's wanted to buy me, so they try to take stands
But they don't understand, I'm the motherfuckin man
I amaze and astound, rhythm up and down
Smack a group of them around, let them know who wears the crown

After losing defensive-minded players Marcus Camby and Eddie Najera, the Nuggets look to re-tool by bringing in Renaldo Balkmon in a minor trade with the Knicks. Balkmon, a distant cousin of Mars Blackmon, will be expected to provide 'D' and energy off the bench. 'D' and energy, couple them together and it sounds like some bad Red Bull like drink in a flourescent orange can.

Balkmon, who sports a mean set of dreads, will complement Chris Anderson's Bjorn Borg look and make Denver's #2 defensive set look like the dudes you bought weed from back in college. Basically, he is Najera without the price tag, a bit younger, and a bit more athletic.

A nice move by the team in bringing in Balkmon, not to be confused with former Mavs star and tight shorts afficionado Ronaldo Blackmon. Considering that all they gave up was Taurean Green (another energy drink sounding name) and a few worthless picks, the Nugs have upgraded and saved money.

Summer SGTV

Wondering what the hell is being played on the big-time music video networks Hip Hop wise? Plies? Uhhh, please. Flo-Rida? Is that the waitress' gangsta brother? Tyga? Is that a Marvel super hero? From time to time, push away from BET, MTV, and check out SGTV's top picks.

Vordul Mega- Megagraphitti - Come on, how are we gonna not give dap to one half of Can O and his newest joint. Rumors abound last year about his problems, but now with this banger, could a Cannibal Ox new album be far behind?

Skillz f/ Talib Kweli- So Far So Good/Sick- Older heads may remember Skillz when he was Mad Skillz in the mid-90s. Younger heads may recognize the VA lyricist from his annual year-end 'Rap Up' tracks and battle with Shaq. Yes, Shaq. Skillz, tell Shaq how his ass taste.

Craig G and Marley Marl- Made the Change- Last year Marley hooked up with KRS, now he's on the prowl with underground legend Craig G. Since "The Symphony" and his battles along the way, Craig has been one to check for.

Snowgoons f/ Reef the Lost Cauze- This is Where the Fun Stops- A hot track from the equally bangin album from the Snowgoons, Black Snow. This album has everyone on wax making an appearance: RA The Rugged Man, Smif-n-Wesson, Ill Bill, Defari, and more.

Shawn Jackson- Feelin Jack- "I make moves like a U-Haul truck" this MC spits over a mellow laid back beat. The Cali MC makes his moves this summer, on tour on the West Coast, with some dates with Giant Panda.

Pace Won and Mr Green- Hip Hop- This entire album has been on blast for me the past few weeks. Epic production and beats with Pace Won's precise lyrics. Harkens back to a Diamond D early 90's feel.

OLD SCHOOL BLAST- Lord Finesse f/Sadat X, Large Professor, Grand Puba- Actual Facts- I used to think that Puba just stood out on this track, but listening a dozen years later, all four MCs absolutely kill it.

In Rod We Trust

I got worldwide family all over the earth
And I worry 'bout them all for whatever it's worth…

The news of Rod Smith officially retiring comes as no surprise, as he has essentially been out of football for nearly two years. In those two years, Broncos Nation has had a chance to reflect on the undrafted wide receiver, undoubtedly the best in Bronco history.

Smith wasn’t the fastest player out there, but regularly worked opposing corners and safeties to the tune of 800 plus receptions and nearly 70 touchdowns. Precise routes and attention to scouting reports and coaching helped him make his mark.

His initial mark came way back in 1995, when he leapt in the air and caught a John Elway last second pass for a touchdown to win a game versus the Washington Redskins. At the time, he appeared to be just another Shanahan reject who would fade into the waiver wire over the next few years.

But Smith kept working, and he became a fixture in the starting lineup for more than a decade. In the glory years, he and Eddie McCaffery teamed to form the most underrated WR duo in perhaps NFL history. Not only did they rack up big numbers in the passing game, but in the running game as well.

Smith might have great receiving numbers, but it could be his blocking that set him apart from the myriad of late-90’s receivers who will clog the Hall of Fame rolls for the next generation. Smith blocked for nearly ten 1000 yard rushers, clearing the way for an extra five, fifteen, or a touchdown for everyone from Terrell Davis, Clinton Portis to Mike Anderson and beyond.

While many receivers might pout about being asked to do that, Smith went about it like he was supposed to- as part of his job. So much so, that Terrell Davis included him on the traditional offensive line gift list in his 1000 yard seasons.

But Rod could talk with the best of them, he was always on post game interviews it seemed, win or lose. He never really lost his cool or complained too much on the field. Perhaps his best off-the-field comment came when after some verbal darts thrown Denver’s way by Chiefs WR Eddie Kennison, Smith went Patrick Roy on Kennison and flashed both his Super Bowl rings.

Smith will one day grace the Ring of Fame at Mile High, and he’ll get his name bandied about for enshrinement ion Canton. Without question, one could include him in the eleven greatest Bronco players ever.

Big 12 Media Daze

I went from musty to musky and y'all can't mush me
I warn y'all cornballs I Hush Puppies
The swans in the pond call my duck ugly
But now they hug me, because it's lovely…

The Big 12 Media Poll came out yesterday, with not too much of a surprise to us here in Buff Land. The only glaring assumption is the inclusion of the putrid horde of sod busters ranked ahead of The Black and Gold at #3. New coach, new system, a team that routinely gave up big numbers, and the red-clad creeps are still ranked in the division’s top half? Who in the name of Bob Devaney spiked the Big 12 writers Boulevard Wheat with corn syrup?

1- Missouri- Yes, Chase Daniel eats boogers. Yet one has to wonder if Daniel is going to live up to the hype or have a Jeff George or Ryan Leaf flame out. Wideout Jeremy Maclin is a big time playmaker.

2- Kansas- The cupcakes from KU’s schedule in 07 are gone. And don’t use that word around Coach Mangino unless you are planning to whip up a batch, dammit. The rest of conference might be able to figure out QB Todd Reesling.

3- Colorado- The Good Guys are young, and one has to hope QB Cody Hawkins avoids the proverbial Sophomore slump. A typical wicked CU schedule awaits super recruit Darrell Scott and two new cornerbacks.

4- Kansas State- The heat is on coach Ron Prince in Manhattan, as the state’s football prowess has shifted to Lawrence. Prince loaded up on transfers ala his predecessor and has the typical non-conference patsies in that same vein, a trip to Louisville notwithstanding.

5- Iowa State- The crew that resembles 70’s McDonald’s uniforms will still be fighting an uphill battle under their 2nd year coach. But ever since the Troy Davis days, the Cyclones have been able to knock someone off at the desolate and weather dominated home stadium of theirs.

6- The Legion of Feces- New to the conference this year is LoF U. It will be tough for them to play football given that they are chunks of excrement. Watch out for their QB, a rugged piece of undigested kielbasa.

7- sodbusters.

Education has Failed The Commish

I had to transform into educated lad

going around doing chores for your dad
playing a duck, wearing sweaters and shoes
chilling with pop just listen to the blues...

If I was doing the wack challenge from the past two summers, the Slushy Gutter Summer Mission, where I attempt to drink 528 or 5280 beers, it would be around this time when I start sweating.

Not only the nearly on-the-sun like temps here in the Box State, but my numbers would be too low and I would whine about how hard it will be to reach the goal. Instead, I have realized that I cannot count and I've enjoyed my last couple weeks, merrily drinking smoooooooooooooth CLs at The C-Level with three-time SG Winner Juck and two-time SG Winner Mummy. Throw in my SG win, that's a whole lot of SGs, but I can't freaking count anyway. Or taking a big 'L' at our annual Backgammon tourney, thereby ensuring a completely suds-filled day post-elimination. Of course, counting is central to backgammon, so I was already at a disadvantage.

I've been able to cruise the Louisville Street Faire with my old mid-90s favorite, Buffalo Gold, swill more CLs at two-time Slushy Gutter Winner JBiz's (Hi Haters!) crib, and opine over drunken tales and Hip Hop with 2007 SG alum, WYDU's own, and Matt Holliday hater Trav before a Rox game. I think it was the mid 90s, but maybe it was back in the 17th century, and maybe JBiz has won the award 26 billion times, because numbers and counting baffle me.

Most importantly, no counting. None, nada, zilch. I don't even think I can count anymore. Just today, I was asked how many Super Bowls the Donks have won and I couldn't answer, because, well, that would require counting. Hopefully they've won like 42, but I don't know. (260)

We're #1, You Fat F*cks

I weigh one-eighty but I'm fat
I kick up dust when I bust like a cap...

For about the billionth year in a row, the fair citizens of Colorado ranked dead last in the annual 'Fattest State' rankings. For those of you here in The Box State, kudos, keep downing those saltine crackers and exercising endlessly. For those of you outside of our fair state, push away from the chili cheese fries covered in ranch dressing and get a look into why us mountain folk are so damn fit in relation to The Slushy Gutter mantra.

When Rocky/Dinger/random cheerleader skank launches t-shirts from one of those cannon things into the crowd it has to fly in our thin air. Therefore, that t-shirt that you inevitably see some grungy college kid wearing, flies farther. In turn, you have to run farther to get your prized $2 t-shirt. And if you've ever seen the mob that tries to get these shirts, better bring your MMA skills too.

Our stadium fare isn't world renown, no fried doughnuts, famous BBQ, massive franks, etc. Rather all of our stadiums have a grazing lot behind each concession stand where you can pick sprouts and organic lettuce to eat during the 4th inning or second half. Elway haters, insert your hay and oats jokes now.

Coors Light. Check the word: Light. Colorado's most famous beer is essentially a diet brew. OK, maybe not, but the liquid gold that it is makes you think even Jane Fonda circa 1982 would approve. Stupid appetite, you've been fooled.

The easy answer is the abundant rafting, hiking, climbing, biking, skiing, boarding, and other mountain activities that keep us thin. Yes, that and running from Yetis. You've ever seen a Yeti? Those fuckers are mean. You best run or you're Yeti fondue.

RELATED: Eric B & Rakim- "Don't Sweat the Technique" ("Bake another plate, and cook it far from raw, and if your overweight, then here's some more")

Camby Canned

Incisions are made into the brain and then I begin to give em a lobotomy,
follow me I'm shapin your brain like pottery

The Nuggets brain trust made the decision to trade give away center Marcus Camby to the Los Angeles Clippers. We cannot question the Nugs’ brain trust, after all they know what they are doing.

We all know there is one single person in charger over at Chopper Circle, not a bunch of people with fancy titles and some owner who never or rarely comments in public. The brain trust is set up like that.

The brain trust knows that Nene and Steven Hunter are ready to man the post for the foreseeable future. Nene, who hasn’t been healthy for nearly four full seasons, and Hunter, with his 2 minute average, are ready to flourish. They will easily eclipse Camby’s 13 boards a game and numerous shot changing chances that aren’t even counted in the NBA. Defensive presence, this new duos will provide.

After all, the brain trust knows defense has been the biggest problem for this group not advancing the past five years. What better way to cure that ail than…ahem…dealing Camby and letting your defensive scrapper, Eddie Najera, get away.

The brain trust deemed it important to let Camby go to a team in the Western Conference, albeit one essentially chasing the Nugs for the #8 spot each year. They know that no Eastern Conference team would want the NBA Defensive player of the year from 2007. he Eastern Conference only has a few dominant teams, none of the other dozen teams could use Camby to make a playoff push. None of those teams could offer the brain trust better than what the Clippers were offering.

The brain trust knows that this salary dump will give them “financial flexibility” to attract free agents. Because the last few free agent signings have gone over so well for the brain trust, they know that the players will be flocking to Denver.

And the brain trust’s headmaster, Stan Kroenke, flush with the Democrats’ cash in his pockets, was looking to get out of the luxury tax threshold. One of the richest men in the country couldn’t go on paying for this group. Trading the pieces for like pieces to match up salaries, as in Camby for a couple bench players and a draft pick, would’ve never worked.

On second thought, it looks like this brain trust may need a lobotomy.

Mile High Homer Stars

You get kicked into obscurity like judo, no Menudo
cause you pseudo, tryin to compete with reality like Xerox
Towards destruction you spiraling like hairlocks, wipe them teardrops...

An all-Colorado Home Run Derby. Who do you got?

1- John Elway- Is there any doubt that had he not won two Super Bowls, that John would've been a fixture at 1st base for the Yankees? 6-4 and 215, he was a prototypical 1B with wicked bat speed and basepath speed to match. Old schoolers might remember John playing in charity baseball games at the old Mile High, even one with the first President Bush. It was rumored they discussed Iran-Contra at first base. I made that last part up.

2- Dante Bichette- Someone tell Dante that the winner gets a plate of spare ribs and mullet mousse each month for a year.

3-Joey Meyer- In 1987 the Denver Zephyr mashed 29 home runs in just 79 games. Most impressive was the 582 foot bomb he launched in the cavernous Mile High Stadium. The spot was forever immortalized by six green seats at the stadium. If immortality is being sat in for the next thirteen years by Lloyd from Commerce City, then Joey Meyer is your man.

4- Chris Drury- Unless you are from the planet Nonsportstron, or part of the 95% of the country that doesn't watch the NHL, you don't know that Drury was on some Connecticut Little League team that beat some Asian team in some late-80s Little League World Series. What you didn't know is that he was hopped up to his adjustable mesh cap on andro.

5- Steve Kiefer- While Meyer got the headlines, Kiefer was actually ahead of him in the epic 87 home run race by three dongs. Just evokes memories of Mantle-Maris or Sosa-McGwire, doesn't it?

6- Larry Walker- He might have the most experience, as having participated in the MLB Derby a few times. However, your chances of him hurting himself warming up, shagging flies, or simply blinking might hamper the quest.

7- Andre Dawson- The Hawk used to ply his wares at old Mile High back with the denver Bears in the late 70s. Yes, non-old schoolers, we had a team named the Bears that then changed their name to the Zephyrs...marketing genius unsurpassed by Larry Tate. Dawson, clad in the Bears' knock off of the parent Expo's clown-like uniform, developed his menacing glare due to the 70,000 empty seats and thin air.

RELATED: Eastern Conference All Stars- "EC All Stars"

The Free Points

I cut most meticulous with a similar interest
King of pen and sing to a metronome without an influence...

CO SPORTS:
-FREE: Brandon Marshall might have some free time, as in a four game suspension if his legal woes continue. The Donk WR cannot stay out of his own way, with yet another brush with the law landing him back on the "other" gridiron known as the courtroom. This time he was ticketed for an illegal lane change in his Hummer. Yo, Brandon, mix in a Prius or something. While tickets for illegal traffic violations are common, what is not common is that Brandon did not have his driver's license or proof of insurance. This is a guy with more cases facing him than a Samonsite employee, and he isn't carrying the two basic essentials to driving. No word whether he had one of those vanilla car fresheners.

HIP HOP:
-FREE: Peep the free El-P WeAreAllGoingToBurnInHellMegaMix from the Def Jux camp. Free music you don't have to feel guilty about DLing. You can expect the standard El-P apocalypse meets Hip Hop rave with a side of Colt 45 and shell toes on this offering. Mainly instrumentals, but peep El Producto's stellar MC skills on "Krazy Kings 3."

BEER:
-FREE: That is the way The Commish feels as the summer approaches the All-Star break and ther is no lame counting of beers involved. So free, like an old sofa with a Sharpie marked sign on the side of a college town street in May. There's no counting over the past two weeks of the Tommyknocker Glacier I knocked back in Georgetown, nor the numerous beers I pounded in charming Salida, CO at Benson's Beer Garden or the fresh micros at Amicas. Of course, Fourth of July brought mad numbers of beers the past two summers, as it did this year, but who's counting? Freedom never tasted so smoooooooooooooth.(195)

RELATED: (sort of): Notorious BIG "Warning" ("heard about the pounds you got down in Georgetown...")

Mile High with Obama

Now we rock the party and come correct
Our cuts are on time and rhymes connect
Got the right to vote and will elect
And other rappers can't stand us, but give us respect...

Things The Secret Service will tell Barrack Obama before he accepts the Dems' nomination, now at Invesco field at Mile High on August 28:

--The Cub Scout Den mother at the concession stand at section 128 doesn't care who you are, she still needs to see some damn ID.
--Be extra careful of this Bradlee Van Pelt character, after all he vowed he would return to Mile High one day and get a win.
--We know you're Bears' fan, but you really don't need to goad Mike Shannahan into punting/kicking to Devin Hester, because he will regardless.
--Don't jog to the podium, your speed will look like your showing up former punt returner Glenn Martinez.
--No, that giant concrete horse doesn't have an anatomically correct penis.
--We can't be 100% sure, but we don't have any intel that the Barrelman is hiding John McCain in his barrel.
--No sir, we've already told you that you have to be in an airplane to join that club, not here at the stadium.
--Mrs. Clinton will be upstairs with the coordinators, she will radio the plays into you. Mr. Clinton will be in the bar or more likely the cheerleaders' locker room.
--Well, if Mr. Plummer does show up and try to throw rotten tomatoes at you, just have some staffer nearby put on this Steelers' jersey and he'll throw it right at them.

Sunday Drankin

I'm bumpin Bob Marley,
sippin hops and barley...

Y'all know my steez...I represent Colorado to the fullest. Yet today, I did something that I have never done here in The Box State. We're not talking climbing a 14er, seeing some old school ruins, partaking a cold one in some far off saloon. No, today I had the opp to walk into a liquor store on a Sunday and buy myself some full strength libations.

For the unaware, CO has been held down by The Man's blue laws for the last 7o years, not allowing liquor stores to sell full strength beer, wine, or spirits. For us beer drinkers who were unprepared, it has meant 3.2 beer for as long as we can remember on Sundays.

Not anymore, as the State repealed the law and now allows the sale of the real ish on Sundays.

On ceremony, I had to go buy today. I set off, but just couldn't go to your standard strip mall LQ, I had to rep the gullyness. That meant a trip over to Go Go Liquors on Highway 287. Old school, to say the least, with their Googie neon sign, neighbors from a head shop to a laundromat, racks of Nickel Traders and Rocky Mountain Oysters, and just as many signs as Spanish as in English.

As I pulled in the side lot, adjacent to a rail line, I noticed the new 'Hours' sign: Sunday- OPEN: 8am, CLOSE: 5pm. Never mind that the opening time the other six days a week is 9:30; hey, Grandma might need a shooter before Church.

I walked in to the standard CHIRP CHIRP indicator, as an attractive Asian lady offered me a hearty greeting. "I had to come in today, this is history," I said. She was unimpressed.

I walked to the rows of wall coolers. Normally it is a 24er of smooooooooooth CL, maybe a sixer of a crisp Summer brew. But today is different, I had to represent. Represent the years of Sundays at 7-11, Diamond Shamrock, hell, even the grocery store buying the soon to be forgotten 3.2 beer.

On vacation on Sunday in the mountains, stopping in a local gas station and coming out with two tall cans for me and my beautiful wife; pushing a shopping cart full of 12 packs (a bit of a discount with your loyalty card!); a car load of homeboys dropping $50 plus on 24ers of 3.2 at 10am on the way to Mile High Stadium; using a fake ID bought from the back of Vibe Magazine claiming my new name was Frenchman Michelle DeGalle, trying to buy a 12er of the 3.2 stuff at 7-11 (because c-store clerks were "easier" to fool than the others.)

I settle on the perfect ceremonial brew: Keystone Light. A six pack. Four bucks. How perfect? A Colorado beer on a historic Colorado day. One that gives a nod to the past, what self respecting Coloradoan hasn't slammed a Keystone in their formative years? Yet, we can look to to the future, one of Sundays in at the LQ, one of 3.2 as just a number.

Glory, glory Colorado my people...

Barrett Takes Blows

You walking with ya head down scared to look
You shook, cause ain't no such things as halfway crooks…

Besides the hurricane force wins blowing everything from the proverbial hot dog wrappers, Dinger’s head, and Alex Cole’s glasses around at Coors Field last night, the high(or low) light was Padres' catcher Michael Barrett hitting a foul ball directly off his face. Blood flowed from his face like he was Gerry Cooney in the late rounds, and he was taken to the local hospital with a fractured nose. No word if he will have to wear one of those Rip Hamiliton masks under his catcher's gear.

Barrett hasn’t fared particularly well in Denver, as it was his dropping of the ball in last year’s play-in game that lead to umpire Tim McClelland to call Matt Holliday safe. Of course, poor Mikey has also suffered from cold cocking AJ Pierzynski, fighting teammate Carlos Zambrano and getting his ass beat, and really suffering when he endured an intrascrotal hematoma in 06. Intrascrotal hematoma, perhaps one of the worst phrases in the English language.

This weekend, while enjoying your cold beverage, celebrating your freedoms, pour a little out, or raise it in the air, or drink it out of a straw for Michael Barrett.

RELATED: "No Nose Job" - Digital Underground

Au revoir Jose!

A suit is a fine, jewelry is shine
If you in love, that mean you blind
Genuine is real, a face card is a hundred dollar bill
A very hard, long stare is a grill...

With Hockey Commish somewhere deep in the woods of Manitoba with a six pack of Moose Head and some groupie named Naomi, I am left to fend for SG’s NHL life with the recent spate of Av activity. Here are the coming and goings of the Avs:

OUT: Jeff Finger- The young and up and coming defenseman, also Rollie Fingers illegitimate son, bolted the Burgundy for a boat load of loonies from the Maple Leafs. With Adam Foote’s advancing age, this one stings a bit, but 13 mil for Jeff Finger?

IN: Darcy Tucker- Go ahead, make fun of his name, compare him to Darcy from “Married: With Children.” Tucker had 100+ PMs this past year, he will beat you like Bud Bundy getting smacked around after his failed rap career.

OUT: Jeff Kurt Sauer- Another defenseman leaves the fold, and we've already forgot him. Does Mike Shannahan still have Dale Carter’s phone number? I’m sure he can log a few minutes on the blue line.

OUT: Andrew Burnette- Heads back to the Twin Cities where “he feels comfortable.” If you are comfortable with eight foot mosquitoes and a team that historically underachieves, then hey, go for it.

IN: Per Ledin- Anytime you bring in a player named “Per” you automatically ratchet up expectations to a Stanley Cup level. After all, he did play with HV 71 Jonkoping last year. Anytime you play with HV 71 and you aren’t playing Bingo or making pharmaceuticals, you’re focused on Lord Stanley.

IN: Andrew Raycroft- This is the guy who you will see sitting on a stool on the corner of the bench all year.

OUT: Jose Theodore- Alas, the Theodore era comes to a close in Denver. From the bizarre timing of his initial trade, his banging Paris Hilton, his NBA-style tatted body, Jose and his inconsistent style will be missed. He just seemed to be getting his groove until the Wings ran through him like Red Chili and your spicy-intolerant grandpa.

RELATED: “What Can I Do?”- Ice Cube (“Now I got my ass in Minnesota…”)