Thursday, July 17, 2008

We're #1, You Fat F*cks

I weigh one-eighty but I'm fat
I kick up dust when I bust like a cap...

For about the billionth year in a row, the fair citizens of Colorado ranked dead last in the annual 'Fattest State' rankings. For those of you here in The Box State, kudos, keep downing those saltine crackers and exercising endlessly. For those of you outside of our fair state, push away from the chili cheese fries covered in ranch dressing and get a look into why us mountain folk are so damn fit in relation to The Slushy Gutter mantra.

When Rocky/Dinger/random cheerleader skank launches t-shirts from one of those cannon things into the crowd it has to fly in our thin air. Therefore, that t-shirt that you inevitably see some grungy college kid wearing, flies farther. In turn, you have to run farther to get your prized $2 t-shirt. And if you've ever seen the mob that tries to get these shirts, better bring your MMA skills too.

Our stadium fare isn't world renown, no fried doughnuts, famous BBQ, massive franks, etc. Rather all of our stadiums have a grazing lot behind each concession stand where you can pick sprouts and organic lettuce to eat during the 4th inning or second half. Elway haters, insert your hay and oats jokes now.

Coors Light. Check the word: Light. Colorado's most famous beer is essentially a diet brew. OK, maybe not, but the liquid gold that it is makes you think even Jane Fonda circa 1982 would approve. Stupid appetite, you've been fooled.

The easy answer is the abundant rafting, hiking, climbing, biking, skiing, boarding, and other mountain activities that keep us thin. Yes, that and running from Yetis. You've ever seen a Yeti? Those fuckers are mean. You best run or you're Yeti fondue.

RELATED: Eric B & Rakim- "Don't Sweat the Technique" ("Bake another plate, and cook it far from raw, and if your overweight, then here's some more")

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Blogger Hercules Rockefeller said...

I'm personally doing everything I can to pull us out of the cellar on this one.

12:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

all the weed smokers there? This is surprising news you stoners.

12:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I personally think it's the lack of oxygen to our brains.

I just spent the weekend in Winter park and managed to see not one, not two, but three mountain bikers get into accidents with cars.

Right of way, my ass.

11:35 AM  
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