5280: Real Recognize Real

Yo I walk in the place, kicks un-laced
with a bitter beer face, a forty? Nah. a whole case
with flows like these, we not your average MC's
we be the drunken masters of ceremonies…

Going into the final eight days of the Slushy Gutter Summer Mission, the Commish issued a edict to the other eight entries to get their numbers up so there would be no doubt on achieving the coveted 5280 beer mark.

The boys responded in a big way, as they went on a tear over the long weekend. Four of the nine (Jeez Steve, Trav, Commish, and Broz) all achieved their high mark of the entire 14 week Mission. Juck and TDub were just a few beers off their high; JBiz and Pickles had solid weeks, and Slick Rip notched his highest week since June.

Let’s take a look at how it all shaked down:

-JUCK- 915. Two time Slushy Gutter Winner…Drank 28 beers in one day while camping in June…drank 35 beers on the Saturday before Labor Day, vowing to “drink one for each CU point” (he went over to boot)…Most beers were Coors Light, with a strong number of Blue Moons…Would sample exotic beers while searching for treasure, call him a pirate…Week long Vegas trip was like the World Beer Tour...Likes Zima.

-JEEZ STEVE- 844. Current Slushy Gutter Winner…Had the high week in our last week with 106 beers consumed…would down 10+ beers while performing menial jobs (cleaning the house, trimming trees, installing a washer and dryer, sleeping)…95% of his beers were Bud Lights…crushed mad beers during late Summer hunting and fishing trips, call him the Bud Light Angler.


-TRAV- 656. The mad author of WYDU...Had his high week of 82 in the final week…drank a boatload of beers while playing poker…let the world know that he hates Side Bream (exact words: “F*ck Sid Bream, fuck him right in the ass!”)…Had a high number on a June trip to Evergreen for the weekend…Sampled a variety of domestic beers: Bud Select, Milwaukees Best (the “Beast”) and went on a stellar Keystone bender late in the Summer.

-COMMISH- 551. Also had his high week the final week…sampled beers throughout Colorado: Steamboat, Glenwood, Limon, Wolcott, Boulder…choked down a beer at 4:30am for perhaps the earliest…90% of his beers were Coors Light, but did go proper with an Original Coors at a rodeo…tried to feed some to a wayward squirrel on the top of a mountain (he didn’t want any)…sat in the front row at a wedding and drank a beer.

-PICKLES- 548. Former Slushy Gutter Winner…Crushed numerous beers post-softball and flag football…managed to get some good numbers even while keeping an eye on his two kids…had a high week of 69 while playing Bambi killer in northwest Colorado…95% of his beers were Bud Light, but did manage a few stiff hard drinks around the campfire singing “Cumbaya”…mid-Summer was “Mr Consistent” at mid 30s.


-TDUB- 499. Former two time Slushy Gutter Winner…struggled to learn the art of beer pong, but mastered the beer part…drank 11 beers during his fantasy football draft…had a beautiful baby girl but “would sneak a beer” when he would go home to get the mail…a good % of his beers were smooooooooth CLs, but he would wander off with wine, mixed drinks, and micorbrews (Stone IPA was his favorite).


-BROZ- 495. Started very slowly, but was strong in July and August…he doesn’t like Nomar Garciaparra and after a few beers let him know incessantly…after a few beers will belly flop in the pool, smoke a pack of cigarettes (he doesn’t smoke)…incurred the scowl of his father when drinking a 7:30am golf course beer…tolerated the Gwen Stefani show after 5+ beers…decided he hates the Fox and Hound bar, but still had 7 Dos Equis there...vents weekly over here.

-JBIZ- 431. Former two time Slushy Gutter Winner…rode a crotch rocket motorcycle while eating chocolate cookies after a night of beers (it was parked)…had a beautiful baby girl after which his beer count nearly halted, but rallied hard the last three weeks…did not perform any crazy dances this Summer as he has been known to do…crushed mad Michelob Goldens on a Canadian fishing trip, eh?...introduced all the SGers to beer pong after a garage remodel.


-SLICK RIP- 313. Numbers drastically low after he decided to go on a Marine-like training regimen in August, hoo-rah!...Nevada trip in June netted him a high week with 60 beers…most of his % was Bud Light, but would pretty much take whatever was available, call him a beer garbage disposal…drank some Bud Lights at a place called ‘Sports Barn’, no word if any cows or chickens were present.

-GUEST PASSERS-
Face (endured a hunting trip with Pickles and Jeez Steve)= 46
Crunk Dave (bachelor party in Atl, no word if Andruw Jones bought him a lapper)= 45
Father Tuck (had a nice fantasy draft with 14 Coors choked down)= 35
Clarence Cricket (eight beers during a hot workday golf tourney)= 27

TOTAL = 5,405

(in the words of the great Biggie Smalls: represent baaaaby baaaaaby)