Sunday, September 02, 2007

Lambs Skinned

Wicked when I kick it, yeah that's the ticket
Tossin up a forty still buzzin off the Likwit...

Spend the day with the Slushy Gutter at CU's victory over CSU Saturday:

3:40 am- The Commish awakes. It's dark, a little bit of a nippy wind whips through the air, the beers are already chillin.
3:45 am- My homeboy Uncle Buck always used to comment "ehhhhh" when it was early. I text former Two Time Slushy Gutter Winner TDub: "ehhhhhhh, early."
3:48 am- TDub texts back: " f u". Intelligent discourse there.
4:30 am- Hell, why not have a beer. I enjoy an 8 ounce smooooooooth Coors Light.
4:50 am- On the road, I hear EPMD's "Strictly Business." We are strictly business: beers, football, and tailgating.
4:55 am- I stop to get a Diet Mountain Dew and a Clif Bar. The Diamond Shamrock is closed. Ehhhh, early.
5:10 am- We're trying to load TDub's truck with an assortment of gear: coolers, grills, flag poles, EZ-Ups, chairs, and grub. I've put together jigsaw puzzles easier than this.
5:25 am- We pull up to Two Time Slushy Gutter Winner Juck's crib. He has two cases of beers and Zimas. What can we say, Juck loves him some Zima.
5:45 am- We stop at 7-11. If you've ever been to a 7-11 on a Saturday that early, you find humor in that. TDub buys another 12-pack because "you can never have enough."
6:02 am- That's what the stadium clock reads as we start unloading. Ehhhhh, early.
6:05 am- Juck: "we might as well have a beer while we're unloading."
6:20 am- The CU flag goes up the flagpole, followed by the Coors Light flag. I decide to sing "Rocky Mountain High" and the CU fight song in tribute.
6:30 am- Two groups of student are nearby. One has beer pong set up, the others have set up a dozens of Keystone Light 30 packs into a pyramid. Higher learning.
6:50 am- The grill, which looks like a Star Wars droid is cooking up bacon. Slick Rip eats a slice. He says he'll do 50 sit ups to make up for it.
7:00 am- The sun is now above the Denver skyline. Tis a privilege to live in Colorado. And get me another beer.
7:30 am- The Alkaholiks "Likwit" comes on the Sirius radio. TDub comments: "these guys are so far ahead in the game." He must not be aware the song came out in 1993.
8:00 am- Slick Rip's roommate spills bacon grease on his leg. He is unfazed and has more beer.
8:10 am- A student comes by with a hastily made t-shirt that reads Cock Sucking University. The tailgate thinks it is the greatest shirt ever. We offer the youngster a beer.
8:25 am- I'm in line at the john and sheep fans ask me if I am a trust funder (a common stereotype of Buff students.) I tell them no, but I drove my VW bus to the game and just got back from saving trees (another stereotype.) They laugh and call me a foul name. I tell them to have fun plowing their fields.
9:00 am- The sun is starting to get a bit hot. There's a nearly passed out student propped up on a tree. One hour until kickoff.
9:10am- My lovely wife is home sick, so I sell my extra ticket to a guy wearing a Tony the Tiger shirt with Japanese letters. They're grrrrreat, Konnichi wa!
9:15 am- Breaking down the tailgate. Like redoing the jigsaw puzzle.
9:30 am- We somehow have more beers than when we arrived. The beer gods shine on us.
9:45 am- Waiting in line at the cattle call ticket lines, one of Slick Rip's friends starts jawing with CSU fans. Typical insults thrown about. Rip's buddy stops the insults and simply asks the lamb fan: "you didn't have enough money to go to CU did you?" The lamb fan is not amused, a small scuffle ensues. Again, it's 9:45.
9:50 am- Sheep fans are dick-riding their RB, Kyle Bell. I'm tired of hearing it and start blurting, "damn, I don't know how we can win this game! They have freaking John Riggins at running back." A CSU student right behind me says, "damn straight we do. "
10:10 am- Finally in my seat. Cloud cover makes it quite pleasant. I've downed 10 beers since 4:30am. Juck tells me he's on 17.
10:20 am- CU scores on their first drive. Cody Hawkins looks good. He'll win the Heisman we all say.
10:40 am- CSU scores on their first drive. Defense looks bad. We probably won't win a game this year we all say.
11 am- CU scores on their second drive. Offense is on point. Sugar Bowl bound!
11:15 am- CSU scores on their second drive. Defense won't stop anyone. we probably won't ever win a game again.
Noon- Kevin Eberhart kicks a field goal to put CU up. He's from Broomfield, CO. I yell to the masses "Broomfield represent!" They don't know what it means, many shoot me disapproving grins.
12:05- I ask the crowd, "what division is this!?" The respond "Division one!" "What conference?" "The Big 12!" "Is this intramurals!?" "No!!!" except for Tdub, who can't follow along.
Halftime- I'm a freaking camel. I've drank enough water that would irrigate a small farm. CSU fans hear this and offer advice on agriculture.
3rd quarter- CSU comes out with two straight TDs. It's getting hot too. Adding up to another wasted day.
3rd quarter- CU gets a TD and 2 point conversion. 28-25 heading into the 4th quarter.
4th quarter- CSU keeps feeding the ball to Kyle Bell, errrr, John Riggins. Although it is the 70's coked up Riggins, as Bell is getting 3 yards max.
4th quarter- Broomfield's Chase McBride returns a punt into CSU territory. I yell "Broomfield represent." A few others join in with me.
late 4th- CU is in position to score, I hug Clarence Cricket for support in the tunnel. His wife wonders if we are having an affair.
end of regulation- tied. Overtime. Juck asks me how many OT games we've won. I reply "none this year."
OT- CU intercepts CSU on their possession. Eberhart comes in for winning CU field goal. This time "Broomfield represent" is being yelled by more than a few people in my section. I am their leader, although they make fun of me.
1:50- The Centennial Cup is back with us. Memo to the State of Colorado: when my fantasy football trophy is better than the Centennial Cup, it's time for a redesign.2pm- Im leaving the stadium. It is hot, I feel like a midget is squeezing my head.
2:15 pm- TDub asks the Denver police officer if he knows his uncle ( a ranking official in the DPD.) The officer replies, "yeah, and he wants you to pack up your sh*t and get out of here."
2:30- Slick Rip's roommate pukes on the asphalt. He is unfazed, he wants a beer.
3:30- Time to breakdown camp. The DPD threatens to lock us in. Again, another jigsaw puzzle.
4:00pm- The sun has officially kicked my ass today. I'll get you next time, Sun. Where's the next game? Oh, Tempe, Arizona. I'll get you after that, Sun. Sun-1 Commish-0.
4:05 pm- Juck says he will drink one beer for each CU point. I don't doubt him for a second.
4:30 pm- Im home on the couch, ice pack, cold water, midget still on head. CU is 1-0. All is good in Slushy Gutter land.

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Blogger Travis said...


2:54 PM  
Blogger Hallux Valgus said...

you're coming to PAC 10 country? Let's hook up pre game. hit me up- I didn't see an email link for you, otherwise I would've hit you up.

I liked Kyle Bell better when his name was Kevin McDougal.

Seriously- let's throw down. Y'all did a nice job to close out the Summer Mission, it sounds like. Let's let the CL Smooth flow!

10:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like you guys were the tailgating pros. I arrived too late to do any damage. I'll save it for the Fla State game!

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