Tuesday, May 29, 2007

5280: There's No 'I' in Team (or Beer)

I divide square MC's like math,
Bend you in half and drink a Genuine Draft...

The Slushy Gutter Summer Mission is back, and it’s uglier than ever. Rather than let my own sobriety go to the dark recesses of reality, I’ve brought along a few friends. We’re getting the band back together man! I’ve opened the Summer Mission this year to a few others, mainly most of the former Slushy Gutter winners that have appeared on these screens over the last year. A couple of others received a tournament exemption and will also be imbibing with the professionals. In total, there will be eight fixtures attempting to down (drumroll)… 5,280 beers from Memorial Day Weekend until Labor Day.

The rules are the same as last year: a beer counts as one no matter the size, shape, or sexual orientation. That being said, “cheesing” out and pouring a beer into a thimble won’t be tolerated. Drinking a single beer from a 55-gal drum will be encouraged though. Most beers will be the standard 12 ounce / pint size we’ve all grown to love.

Along the way, I will offer “guest passes” to other drunks players, who want to be down with the proceedings. These “guest passes,” will be for a night, a day, a weekend in length. I have reps combing frat houses, rehab centers, and detox as we speak for people who might increase our bottom line. That being said, I won’t cheese out again and give the entire Colorado Football team a pass. Lindsay Lohan has a standing invite to join at anytime she wants.

In case you’re not familiar with the significance of the 5280 number, that’s the elevation of the beautiful area we call home, Denver Colorado. Obviously the elevation has tempered my brain to make me think we can pull this ridiculous stunt off.

With that, Memorial Day Weekend saw the crew fall woefully behind the pace. Former two-time Slushy Gutter winner Juck carried the crew with a svelte 45 downed over the four days, and also managed to include two Tangerine Zimas outside of his 45. Yes, Tangerine Zima. Former two-time Slushy Gutter winner T-Dub managed to down 16 beers, as he also went outside the box to pound a healthy amount of Margaritas. Newcomer Slick Rip endured a Jager Bomb shot before squeezing out 17, former Slushy Gutter Winner Pickles cracked 19, and the Commish brought up the rear with a lowly 12, although two of the tally were 32 ounce Monster Mugs from the hopping Morrison Inn. Former two-time Slushy Gutter winner JBiz started the proceedings at 1am on Friday with #1, and Broz entered the fray with 18 pops and still managed to complete the Bolder Boulder Monday morning; Heart of a Champion. (95)

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lohan? F^ck her! I'll take one of those guest passes, I fit in better: I have a shaved head and my ex is a dope rapper.

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