Wednesday, December 23, 2009

SG Festivus 09

Once again, the SG celebrates a Festivus for the rest of us! Gather 'round the aluminum pole!


The Airing of Grievances- because I've got a lot of problems with you people!

-Dan Hawkins, you have disappointed me in more ways than there are minutes in the day. If I were to list all the ways your have let me down, the negativity could send the world into chronic depression. Quickly though: the Zen crap, the cutesy sayings and all that vernacular? Cut that out. If I wanted some inspiration, I'll go to the calendar shop at the mall.

-Mike Bohn, you have disppointed me in the following ways: see above. You are the one responsible for keeping this dude (allegedly.) If you weren't the ultimate arbitor in Danny Boy's retention, then I got a problem with that too! In fact, I got a problem with the whole lot of you up there in Boulder! Just what in the good name of Rashaan Salaam's bong is going on?

-Kyle Orton, you have disappointed me the past year not by your QB play, or by your leadership, nor your classy dealings with the fans and media. No, Kyle, you let me down because you haven't been spotted anywhere in Our Fair State cavorting with buxom young women or sucking down mass amounts of alcohol. Dammit, Kyle, mix in a beer bong or something.

Feats of Strength-

-Dan Hawkins, you have to pin me. Granted you have about 50 pounds on me, but your inability to teach any technique of tackling, footwork, or basic football prowess makes me confident you cannot take down my skinny ass.

-JR Smith, you have to try to avoid a tattoo parlor. You too Birdman.

-Avs' fans, try to pry a few bucks from your bank account and go see the first place team.

-Eddie Royal, I want to see you just kick the crap out of the people in those miserable Taco Bell commercials with you. Just pummel them.

Human Fund cards for-
-Jay Cutler- He also tried to give me one but it got intercepted by Edna in accounting.


-Matt Holiday- Money for People is the motto. I see the money for this person being offered is less than what the Purp offered him two years back.

-Josh McDaniels- Turn the card over and try to diagram an effective short yardage play.


-Dan Hawkins- Money for People- mainly for your buyout in 2010.

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