Friday, September 17, 2010

GABF Represent

Commish CH, current Slushy Gutter Winner T-Dub, and former Slushy Gutter Winner JL Smooth attended the Great American Beer Fest in Denver last night. Some highlights:

-The line to get in is long. Like longer than the line to see Empire Strikes Back in 81. I ask my crew what would make the waiting go faster. One says "beer" the other says "strippers." That could actually be the answer to all of life's ails.

-To pass the line time we could do the Pipelayer dance?

-5:30: Festival open, a large cheer. The line starts to move swiftly. Somewhere the TSA at the airport feels a shudder.

-There's been 14 Slushy Gutters awarded; between the three of us we have nine of them. We curse the other five winners.

-I see a group of Juggalos. Do they serve Faygo beer?

-There's a dude with his two year old at the festival. As a fellow dad I am torn between shunning him or giving him Dad of the Year.

-The Humpty Dance is being played. Seriously, Hump how did you pull chicks at Burger King? And why BK, was Wendy's closed? McDonald's being remodeled? Why you fronting on Arby's Hump?

-Beer #1 is a selection from Colorado Boy brewery. Colorado Boy, sounds like a gay travel agency, but is a good ice breaker.

-Pretzel necklaces are the rage at the festival. They help cleanse the mouth and keep your belly full. Me and Smooth sport them while T-Dub is jealous. We meet up with our man Father Tuck, who offers hugs and crushes half my pretzels.

-Smooth and T-Dub are popping boners over a beer called Pliny the Elder. While they wait in line, I scoop up three other beers. Opportunity, son.

-I've exhausted most of my pretzels, and I as a take it off T-Dub tries to snatch it and it falls and smashes to the ground. Can you call party foul on that? Or Pretzel Foul?

-I sample a chile beer and surprisingly it is very tasty. Ole!

-Brooklyn Brewery is there and I can't help mumble "Where's Brooklyn at!?" They are not impressed.

-There's lots of dudes taking notes of all the beers they drink. Probably some nerdy blogger. I mean who takes notes for a blog...oh wait.

-The brewery that does Olde English is there. I scan the memory banks and determine that I haven't had a OE since 1994. Damn straight, I got me one. Somewhere the 94 Commish is hollering.

-I sample a Key Lime Pie Beer. Holy crap, you can taste the lime, the marshmallow and the graham crackers. I feel like I'm sitting on a porch on a summer day.

-Time to grub and I get a chicken sandwich. This isn't a standard sando, there might well be a whole damn chicken on this bun. Second wind has arrived.

-We're in another line when I dude with a beard with long hair and a beard blows past everyone claiming he only has to wash his hands. The janitor yells "hey, ya'll Jesus has to keep his hands clean, make way!"

-Smooth and TDub are in line while me and Tuck are making fun of 'Fedora Guys', which there seems to be a lot of. TDub strikes a conversation with them and we find out they are from our hometown and actually cool dudes. Asshole alert and it points right at me.

-There's a few drunks in the crowd, but most of the drunks are working behind the tables serving the beer. Now if that could only apply to everyone's job.

-A chubby dude is waving to his friends across the aisle and T-Dub waves back. They aren't amused. Beer: makes most people friendly, unless you're fat.

-The floor is getting slick as people clear out, so slick we think about rocking some genie pants and doing some Hammer moves.

-A server is reaching drunkeness. How do I know? She's dressed as a pirate and pouring our glasses while it rests in her cleavage.

-I've knocked out the OE, so I double my pleasure with a PBR.

-Our ride is en route. We get a "beer two minute warning" and we all successfully navigate the two minute drill to score a beer TD.

RELATED: Tha Alkaholiks - "Make Room"

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