Gasolina

You lack the minerals and vitamins, irons and the niacin
Fuck who that I offend, rappers sit back I'm bout to begin...

After last week's euphoria of sweeping the Yankees, the Rockies have fallen on hard times. Check that, the Rockies have fallen on a bed of freaking nails covered with rubbing alcohol. Maybe Jorge Posada slipped Greg Brady's tiki statue into Brian Fuentes locker. Did they replace the post game Coors Lights with Natural Light? As Troy Tulowitzki morphs into the next Derek Jeter, the pitchers are morphing into a young Rick Vaughn. Did the stop in T-Dot piss off the Rockies who prefer regular bacon to the Canadian version. Did the series in Chi-town distract some Rox who wanted to retrace Ferris Bueller's tracks on his day off. Yeah, Brad Hawpe was always enamored with Abe Frohman, the sausage king of Chicago. And with the stop in Houston, it must be the candy paint and grills that has Todd Helton fiendin for a Swisha House tat. Is Yorvit Torrealba sending the signs to the pitchers in gang signs? Maybe Clint Hurdle's soul patch has a 4 inch hair coming out the middle that is really distracting.

Point is, whatever the fuck it is, they better figure it out. If not, the usual June Swoon around here will be greeted with the standard "when does training camp start?"

No Draft in Here

Just a dosage, delegate my Clan with explosives
While my pen blow lines ferocious
Mediterranean, see y'all, the number one draft pick...

The Nuggets have no pick in today's NBA draft. That's not one single pick. So, since the Nuggets have no real draft pick, let's take a look at some players who aren't real that they can draft:


-Jesus Shuttlesworth- The big time recruit from the 1998 classic "He Got Game." Shhhh, don't tell anyone that it's really Ray Allen.



-The Colorado Justice System- Greg Buckner, Yakhouba Diawara, Rueben Patterson, Voshon Lenard, all have tried and failed to contain one Kobe Bryant. The real "Kobe Stopper"is the judicial system here in CO. Well, maybe not the stopper, but it slowed his ass down.



-The Geico Caveman- Especially potent for banging down low versus the Western Conference's resident caveman, Chris Kaman.





-A 186 pound dumbell- Guaranteed to give Kevin Durant fits for the next few years.




-Major Cedric Daniels- The big shot cop on "The Wire" might urge Melo to stop his "Stop Snitching" and start rebounding. Plus, he's from Baltimore, so him and Melo can scarf down crab cakes together.

Five Star Breakdown: Rox v Cubs

Slick majestic, broke mics are left infected
Germs start to spread through your crew, drew like an epic...

The SG Five Star Breakdown of last night's wild Cubs victory over the Rockies:

Winning the game is simple: field the freaking ball. Two outs, up by one, bottom of the ninth. If you field the ball and toss it to a)first base or b)second base, an out will be recorded and you will win. Snatch up the white baseball from the ground, throw it to the corresponding fielder, and your team- the Colorado Rockies- will have their greatest comeback win in the 14 year history of the franchise. Field the ball. Kaz Matsui, Hideki Matsui, hell, Matt Suhey, any of you field the ball and make the throw.

5280: The Beers Strike Back

To my motherfuckin' man, fifty grand, the alcoholic man
Inject a tall can to his blood stream if he can...

The past few weeks have seen a steady escalation in beers being thrown down in the Slushy Gutter Summer Mission, and this week the beers fought back. Overall it was a great week, as the pace is finally equal to the 5,280 required by Labor Day. Current Slushy Gutter Winner Rattlesnake Steve felt the barley payback, as he choked down over 50 beers, including a Friday and Saturday stretch of 30. Unfortunately, he "dried out" on Sunday, posting a big goose egg for the day. Trav went to battle on Friday night, gearing up for a big night downtown, only to never make it past his local pub. Some 20 beers later, he too was on the DL all day Saturday and was struck with a big zero for the day. Meanwhile, Broz finally went on the offensive during his housewarming party at his new palatial estate. He checked in at 17 beers for the night and also checked in Sunday on the couch and another nada for the tally. CommishCH fared a bit better than the others, as he finally got on his 2006 pace during a wedding trip to Top Billings. Even the wedding wasn't immune from a smooooooooooooth CL, as he and the bride's uncle swilled canned beer from the front row. Two-time Slushy Gutter Winner T-Dub also went out of town for his drinking adventures on a trip to Glenwood Springs. Slick Rip celebrated his birfday with a few beers, and former Slushy Gutter Winner Pickles posted another consistent weekend. Former Two-time Slushy Gutter Winner JBiz prepped for a trip to crush mass fish in Ontario by crushing 28 beers, and Two-time Slushy Gutter Winner JL Smooth was once again the week's valedictorian with over 60 beers over the week, although he was hindered by the appearance of a "dreadlocked white stoner" who got sick and crashed on his couch. June is winding down, the weather is heating up, and our livers will need to rally. (1491)

Summer Songs and their Beers

Enjoy the first official day of Summer with the Slushy Gutter’s Official Summer Jams and corresponding beers:

Nuthin- The line of “pissy drunk in the club like da-da-da-daaaaa” applies to most of readers of this blog. This Summer 2002 club banger has got to have a “club” brew that makes you look all high post in your $150 Red Monkey jeans while getting shot down by some skank. Enjoy Noreaga’s banger with a Heinken bottle.

Work The Angles- I didn’t fully appreciate this Dialated Peoples' song until it appeared on the Summer of 1998’s classic Cali Kings mix CD. SoCal Hip Hop at its underground finest, kick back with it and a Pacifico.


Who’s the Man- I still can’t believe the cinematic 1993 Summer classic that this single is from didn’t win a single Oscar. Enjoy HoP’s finest single with a disgusting Little Kings Ale; the taste will make your face look like you’re gully as fuck.


Do It Again- Smooth Ice’s tour de force from the Summer of 1990. The Run DMC affiliate never made mush noise after his debut. The non-Hip Hop crowd used to ask me, “is this guy really deaf?” Keep it smooth with a Blue Moon and an orange slice.


Feel Me Flow- Perhaps Naughty’s swan song in the Summer of 1995. A smooth, laid back joint to listen to while chilling on your front porch on a lazy weekend. The beer for this is a chilly Red Stripe…(Hip Hop) Hooray for beer!


Neva Go Back- Special Ed returned to the Hip Hop world with this Summer of 1995 classic sure shot. Years older from his late 80’s debut, a more mature Ed spit the same classic metaphors and punchlines and the chorus “I neva go back, I neva flowed wack, I just come back, I just come phat.” Enjoy Ed with a more mature Sam Adams at your local pub.


Fakin The Funk- Main Source’s 1992 Summer banger was the highlight of the White Men Can’t Rap EP. A soulful tune, it is almost a “feel good” Hip Hop track if you could ever say that about the genre. It almost makes me want to sport my ‘Parental Advisory’ t-shirt, find a hoops partner named Sidney, and get popped by the Stooki brothers. Kick it with this joint and a Michelob.

We Run New York- The newness from Tony Toca is my joint in the 2007 Summer so far. Fierce lyricist Joell Ortiz blesses the track over the laced beat, along with Uncle Murda and a pretty nice verse from Lumidee. The new car smell from this track deserves the new Miller Chill beer.

Any MC- Nine’s debut album was in heavy rotation in the Summer of 1995. It could be considered the last Jeep rocking banger of the era. Riding around in your homey’s Jeep, top off, tape deck pumping, sucking down a cold can of PBR in a brown paper bag

Contents Unda Pressure- When this Liks song dropped in the Summer of 1997, I was living in the grossest, crappiest, dirtiest, straight trash apartment. Beer cans and bottles everywhere, trash stacked up that ants would be all over, dishes, pizza boxes, newspapers, and it was hot to all hell. Cue the lyric “…and there ain’t no telling when we’re about to explode, like tall cans in the freezer when they get too cold” and get yourself a tall boy Coors Light at the local gas station for $1.49.

Madd Mann- Come on, y’all know the Commish reps for the BCC, and Sean P’s slowed down track from Monkey Barz is a Summer of 2005 staple. Get all crazy, sit on your driveway or parking garage on an old school lawn chair, wearing a foam cowboy hat, pumping this jam and swilling a 5 liter Warsteiner party keg.

Raze It Up- Onyx’s Summer of 1998 is repped in this grimy, stripped down, raw track. A single piano key, Sticky and crew throwing down. This is a bit removed from even the “Slam” and “Throw Your Guns” days. Slam back to this track with some ugly as shit brew like a 32 ounce of Milwaukee’s Best.

Money In The Bank- This was in the deck throughout the Summer of 1990. Go old school and cheap with Kool G Rap & Polo, featuring the Large Professor and their dookey ropes on this one and a Keystone Light.

Husslin- T-Dot’s own Kardinal Offishall hit hard in the Summer of 2001 with his Quest For Fire album. The northern MC has kept a low pro since, but this was one of the early decades' most slept on CDs. Listen to the Great White North’s finest with – what else- a Molson Canadian.

Wonce Again Long Island- Somehow, someway, De La attracted the hippy and granola set in the early 90s. If I had a keg every time some patchouli smelling granola told me the “only” rap he listened to was De La Soul, I could run the beer tent at a Red Rocks Phish show. So, celebrate the counter culture with De La's 1996 jam and a Samuel Smiths bomber.

1- Download the SG Summer Beers Mix below
2- Go to liquor store
3- Buy each of the 15 beers above
4- Drink each beer during its song
5- Enjoy!

DOWNLOAD AND DRINK

Yankee Doodled Part 2

Wit the man of the hour
Commit the soul power
For once I got to say shut 'em down on the regular
Causing mass hysteria in your area

Thoughts and observations from the Commish's trip to Coors Field last night, where the Rockies again beat the visiting Yankees:


-Commish: Look there's Marcus Camby
Yankee Fan #1: Oh yeah
Yankee Fan #2: Who's he?

-Everytime the Yankees' Derek Jeter is up, the flash bulbs go off like it's the freaking Ice Capades. Rockies fans and Yankee honks alike snap photos of this guy like he's Mother Teresa or something.

-Two sections over: Yankee "fan": Yankee hat and University of Texas t-shirt. Ah yes, that spirited tradition of New York and Austin and their cultural similiarities. I'm sure she was sporting a Colts jacket and Anaheim Ducks undergarments. Her car is adorned with Jeff Gordon stickers and a Florida Gator poster adorns her house.

-Matt Holiday crushed a two run blast that could still be in orbit, prompting two Yankee fans to this exchange:
Yankee Fan #1: Damn, this Holiday guy is pretty good.
Yankee Fan #2: Yeah, we're going to have to sign him whenever he's a free agent.

-Troy Tulowitski: everyone loves your game, your smooth style, your enthusiasm, your unlimited potential. But your up-to-bat song? R Kelly's "Im a Flirt." Was "Bump and Grind"
not available?

Yankee Doodled

Lyrically I freak your funk you never heard
My shit is so fly, when I kick it, it's absurd
Damn, how I wrecked your life with one record
Made your crew break up and girl get naked...

A few quick observations from last night's Rockies victory over the Yankees:

-Troy Tulowitzki has a chance to be a real special player in the league. His size (6-3), range, and hitting ability is already at a high level. Some work in the weight room and with some Rockies hitting vets hopefully will raise his power numbers. Lots of comparisions to Derek Jeter already-minus poking out Mariah Carey, Vanessa Minnillo, and Jessica Biel. Although I think Troy could take Nick Lachey if needed.

-On the Fox Sports- Rocky Mountain broadcast you could pick up some hysterical lady who screamed before every pitch to the batter. After a little bit of investigation, it was determined that it was ex-Rockies pitcher Marvin Freeman.

-For the first time, Rockies OF and almost CU quarterback Matt Holiday was mentioned as a possible MVP candidate. He's hitting over .400 since May, and leads MLB in hitting since May of last year.

-The crowd was about a 50-50 split, with maybe a tad more Rockies fans. If you live in NY or points beyond (I've read of New Mexico/Kansas/etc Yankee fans coming in for the series) then root for your team. If you live in Colorado and were sporting Yankee Blue, please return to the bandwagon.

-A-Rod was not spotted afterwards at Shotgun Willies or tanning in the park without his shirt.

5280: A Cool Grand

I'll break your leg
And I'm more than a forty ounce, I'm more like a keg
And I'm the big dipper, rippin' like Jack the Ripper
And if you want the proof, the proof is in my liquor...

The Slushy Gutter Summer Mission soared over the 1000 mark over the heat of the weekend, with CO's temp reaching into the high 90s. That didn't seem to slow down former Slushy Gutter winner Pickles, who along with current Slushy Gutter winner Jeez Steve slammed a case of beer over a sun-filled 18 holes. Hey, it worked for that fat Manu Ginobli dude in the US Open. Meanwhile, over in Broz land, he sludged his way through 20+ beers. Trav had a full weekend of poker and 40+ beers, and the 12 Keystones he had were a Slushy Gutter first. Former two-time Slushy Gutter winner JBiz hosted the annual backgammon tourney, where he, the Commish, former two-time Slushy Gutter winner TDub, and Slick Rip wasted the day and night away with smoooooooth CL keg beers, beer pong, and assorted debauchery. The Commish's better half almost pulled of the Championship, before falling in the finals. Finally, former two-time Slushy Gutter winner Juck ran solo this weekend and set a SG high with a day of camping and 28 beers in one single day. One beer per hour and then some. Mixed in were some midweek requisite softball beers and and a few here and there, and we're past the 1000 tally heading into the first official week of Summer. (1160)

Beantown Beaning

See I make moves and tell what's the truth
That's why I'm here, to be livin proof...

***CO SPORTS:

-Yes, that was the Rockies that went into Fenway and beat the best team in baseball 2 out of 3. Take away their flittering effort against knuckleballer Tim Wakefield, and we could be looking at a 3 game sweep. Ahhhhhh, those apples ah not good, ahhhh. The best part, beating Mr Bloody Sock and watching him trying to dissect it.


-If Mr Longoria and the Spurs beat the LeBronettes to win the NBA title and no one watched, did it really happen? One could argue that the Nugs gave the Spurs their toughest matchup of the postseason. The Powder Blue Patrol were in each game, and Nene was most effective against Captain Personality Duncan than any of the chumps on the Spurs or Jazz, or Cleveland's SideShow Bob. Now, the powers on Chopper Circle need to figure what pieces to add or delete to finally get to the proverbial next level. Blake is most likely gone, JR's status is unclear, even Camby is a bit murky. Are Mike Evans or TR Dunn available?

***HIP HOP:

-The cover story in USA Today is "Can Rap Regain It's Crown?" Take a look at the charts and rap is not nearly as prevalent as just a few years ago. Any theories? One may be that the general public is simply tired of these cats' endless proclamations of diamonds, cars, and their promiscuity. Yes, and water is wet and nebraska is lame.

-One mainstream MC's track I'm feeling right now is Fabolous' "Brooklyn" with Jay-Z and Uncle Murda. I've always thought Fab was a gifted MC, but too many poppy songs have turned me off on him.

-Seattle group Blue Scholars seem to be the 'net rage right now as their Rawkus Records album just dropped. MC Geologic lays down some strong retospective ryhmes, as well as a smattering of political angles over mellow DJ Sabzi beats. While it's not a album that would pump you up for a UFC fight, it is defintiely worthy of a night in your iPod while BBQing with friends. Peep the Pitchfork review.

***BEER:

-The CO has more microbreweries than any other per capita, and many of them get their start as homebrewers, therefore CO is the perfect place for the national Homebrewer's Conference next week. I had a chance to brew a keg of my own beer once, and it ended up sitting in my apartment's furnace room for 8 months and only being drank post-2am and when in dire need. The 22 ounce bomber taste of dish rags and nutmeg tasted good when liquor stores were closed...Slushy Gutter, indeed.

Hawk Keeps Runnin Away

I run game like a marathon
It's here today then tomorrow it's gone
It's the law of the land
a straight modern day Babylon...

Coach Hawk revealed in a radio interview Tuesday that he would not be running the Melbourne Marathon as he originally planned. This might be one of Hawk’s wisest coaching decisions in his brief tenure in Boudler. Marathons, you see, are pretty long, and when you run 12 minute miles (as Coach Hawkins did in the Bolder Boulder) the next logical step isn’t jumping into to the fray with a bunch of skinny dudes in tapered shorts for 26 miles.

I’d like my football coach who’s making a cool $1 mil a year out recruiting better skill players, devising plays for his new QBs, improving the woeful pass defense, taking a peak into the tough 07 schedule, identifying his starting OL, scouting the sheep’s tendencies for game one, or meeting with groups to sell the overall program.

Being a veteran of a few road races here and there, I don’t need Hawk debating whether Mizuno or Asics are better, smearing Vaseline on his genitals, sucking down concrete-tasting gels and shakes, doing those ridiculous warm up stretches for 45 minutes, worrying about his mile splits, reading Kip Keino's biography, shitting himself on mile 19, and training 3+ hours nearly daily.

(Although it would be fun to see Hawk go off at the post race bash and bellow “throw another shrimp on the barbie! It’s Australian Rules Football! Go play rubgy, brother!”)

[ED NOTE: Hawk has since stated he will be running a half-marathon. That's 13 miles, Hawk. You bring home half that amount of wins this year, and we'll all be happy.]

Garage Sale Slushy-ness

You trippin, must be that Zima you was sippin
Your accountant couldn't count how many bottles I be grippin…

The Summer Mission roared into the third week and it sees the assembled Shaolin Monks just a smidgeon off the goal. Two-time Slushy Gutter winner JL Smooth was once again the rabbit, setting an early pace and tallying an impressive amount, and he again managed to mix in some Tangerine Zimas. Two-time Slushy Gutter winner T-Dub had the requisite suburban garage sale at his palatial crib, which usually leads to drinking, and lots of it. As an old friend once told me, “Garage sales are just an excuse to have a cold beer at 10am.” The Commish and two-time Slushy Gutter winner JBiz were also present, selling worthless crap and pounding smooooooooooth CLs all day. Trav endured a bevy of after-work beers to come in at the needed pace, and current Slushy Gutter Winner Rattlesnake Steve also came in on his mark. Broz and former Slushy Gutter winner Pickles must’ve been resting their livers, as both finished the week off the pace. Although Broz, JBiz, and TDub did squeeze in a trip to the gully Arvada Tavern until 1am. The week’s Beer Pimp Champion goes to Slick Rip, who took a trip to the desert to golf, gamble, see visions of Cairo in the sand, and apparently swill many beers. (838)

Shock D

F*ck that shit, cause I ain't the one
for a punk motherf*cker with a badge and a gun
to be beatin on, and thrown in jail
We can go toe to toe in the middle of a cell...

Things announcers will probably not say about Nuggets guard Dermarr Johnson anymore:

-He just looks dazed out there.
-Johnson is electric tonight!
-After that shot, I think Dermarr is shocked.
-Dermarr with the laser!
-And Johnson looks a bit frazzled out there.
-Johnson is down, he looks stunned.
-Dermarr probably just feels numb right now.

Duck Season

Yo, I stick around like hockey, now what the puck? Cooler than fuck...

I decided to tune in Wednesday night to be among the thousands hundreds tens of viewers to watch the conclusion of the NHL Stanley Cup. There I saw Teemu Selanne weeping like a little girl whose Bratz doll just got ate by a rabid dog, not only during the game's conclusion, but also on the ice during the Cup passalong. Thanks for the raw emotion and spirited play, Teemu. It is especially appreciated by us Avs fans who watched you slug through the season a few years back like a member of the Ice Capades while wearing the sweater of the Burgundy and soft serve ‘A’. Seems like the NHL lockout reinvigorated your career just in time to help the Quack Attack to the Cup; were you harvesting blubber on a Finnish whaling ship? Thanks again.

At least it gives me an excuse to watch the Duck mascot light himself on fire. I had always wondered what happened to Emilio Estevez.

(and yes, Stuart Scott, we get it, the goalie is “getting Giggy with it.” Boo ya!)

These Unis Aint for Intramurals!

Fresh dressed like a million bucks
Threw on the Bally shoes and the fly green socks
Stepped out my house stopped short- oh no
I went back in, I forgot my Kangol...

The fine football folks up in The Republic of Boulder unveiled the new CU uniforms over the weekend, with the new duds meeting with generally thumbs up and a collective cheer of the locals' microbrews.

Given the recent spate of horrible Nike college creations, the repressed memories of losing to Drake in horrid powder blue Buff unis, as well as Rick's shadow box numbers and gold rap-video jersies, the new gear comes as a welcome relief to Buff Nation.

The new uniforms' innovation are reflective numbers that glisten under the lights. These reflectors will also be handy if linebacker Jordon Dizon needs to work with the local DOT crew filling potholes.

The color silver is also featured prominently in the design. Many people do not realize that Silver and Gold are actually the official colors of the University. After last year, many people also do not realize that CU fielded a football team.

Perhaps the most welcome aspect of the new gear is the white pants on white jersey seems to be omitted. That look had been widely panned by the CU faithful since Gary Barnett started it a few years back. Unfortunately, the Stay Puft Marshmallow man look had seen too many teams cross their particle beams to defeat the Buffs over the last decade.

Other Nike feaures are a "shrink wrap" type fit that must've been inspired by 9 year old Phong Dhuy, the boy in charge of wrapping 125 pallets of Nike sweatshirts each day in Thailand. The jersies are also more "breathable" which might help if rowdy sheep fans at Mile High ever get
teargassed again.

Overall, the unis are a "cleaner," "sleeker" look; and poor saps like myself will gladly shell out $85 to get our hands on the new jersey. However, the Buffs could wear lime green tutus, a rake strapped on their heads, a sick dog's halo, and a Larry Blackmon Cameo jock strap as long as they get to a Bowl Game. Word Up.


[Quick fact: the gold jersey was sported in Puff Daddy's "All About the Benjamins (Rock Remix)", an Ice Cube affliated group named Kausion wore a #14 black Koy Detmer in "Land of the Skanless" and LL rocked a #14 Detmer white jersey in "Hey Love." Koy Detmer, loved in the urban and rap world by all.]

5280: Back to the Grill Again

My triple A card has one too many initials

An autobot on the fringe of liquid addiction spinning fish-tails...

Two full weekends have passed in the Slushy Gutter Summer Mission and at this time we're a bit off the pace. That can't be said about two-time Slushy Gutter Winner JL Smooth, who has clocked in at nearly 100 beers after a week of Blue Moons, geocaching, and some PBRs while on the golf course. Current Slushy Gutter holder Jeez Steve is a few off the pace, as he downed a steady stream of BLs but also added the first Ichibans to the count. Banzai! Two-time Slushy Gutter winner T-Dub rounded out the podium as he swilled many a smooooooooooth CL at former Slushy Gutter winner Pickles' BBQ over the weekend. Also present to break down the proceedings were Slick Rip, who has maintained a modest pace, and former two-time Slushy Gutter winner JBiz, who is woefully off the pace. Our two resident bloggers checked in, as Broz took it mad easy to end up on the end of the tally count, and WYDU's Trav entered the fray like Rasheed Wallace getting into it with the refs, posting three dozen over the weekend. Meanwhile, the Commish heeded his own advice and hit up local establishments Lake Avenue Inn to down a few CL pitchers with E-Train, the Edgewater Inn for some schooners and 'za, and finally the Twins Inn for some ice cold CL bottles. I come to find out later that the Twins Inn is on a former EPA contaminated site. Hmmm, contamination or cold beer? Priorities. (489)

It'll Do Done

Let me start it off, 'cause I'm a player
Fade into part two, I'm the number-one ho layer
A mack, a player, and a pimp
Something much stronger than your average drink...

I was saddened to learn that the It’ll Do Lounge here in Denver shuttered their doors this past week. For those who don’t know, the It’ll Do was a venerable Mom and Pop bar right on I-70 and about Pecos. For those who grew up in the northern burbs, the old It’ll Do sign peering over the fence greeted us for as long as we can remember.

The main culprit of the shut down is Colorado’s smoking law, which ceased smoking in all bars and restaurants last summer. Scores of independent bars like the It’ll Do have closed over the past 11 months, as hardcore customers who liked to light up with their beer were forced to retreat outside. Some of these bars estimated 85% of their clientele lit up. Many invested thousands of dollars into outdoor smoking areas, only to see that not really hurt. Hard to convince someone in the middle of January to go smoke outside no matter how nice the new deck is.

I don’t smoke, but have always disagreed with this ban. More and more of these neighborhood bars shut down, as Applebee's and Old Chicago become the Cheers of the new generations. Next time you’re debating where to go for a quick drink, try an independent bar. It might be a dive bar, M*A*S*H reruns are probably on the corner TV, a drunk guy might be playing Tetris at the end of the bar, and the nachos might be little more than melted Velveeta. But the conversation and people are real, the beers ice cold, and maybe you can see a chair get smashed on someone’s head.

Check IT: Denver Joints - a list/review of Denver area dive bars