What'cha Want Nuggets?

I'm too impulsive, my deadly corrosive dosage
attack when you least notice through explosive postage...

The most awaited NBA free agency period starts tonight at 10:01 MST (that's right, Mountain Time: the best time zone for sports. Don't believe me? That's because you were up until who knows when watching a game while I was in my sleep happy zone.)

We hear of teams for two years readying for this day; paring salary, trading players, hiring coaches, setting meetings, ordering ice sculptures of LeBron's favorite Smurf character.

And the local team? The one that last year was one player away from a NBA Finals appearance? The team that this year was exposed as overall small? The one with a valuable commodity in expiring contracts? That team?

Nothing. At 10:01 pm Rex Chapman will probably be at the Krispy Kreme drive thru (seriously, Rex used to be one of the most dynamic, athletic players in the 90's, dude could jump out of the gym. Now I doubt he could jump out of his car if there was a Twinkie on the road.)

What could've the Nugs done to be in position to be a player over the next few weeks? Here are some far fetched (and maybe some not-s0-far fetched) ideas:

-Trade Nene, JR Smith, and some picks to the Raptors in a sign and trade for Chris Bosh. The Raps get a expiring contract in Smith (plus maybe the different colored money will make him think he's in a giant Monoploy game) and an international player in Nene. Toronto has got to be tired of US players treating their city like it might as well be Siberia, and they shold move to international players. The Nugs get a prime big man and perhaps a throw in player.

-Jettison the expiring K-Mart contract to some chump team (Clippers anyone?) to free up space to acquire David Lee. Instant upgrade from K-Mart, who has to be on his last legs (literally) with his recent surgeries. Lee isn't a max player, so you might have an extra mil or so to bring in a veteran bench player not named Malik Allen.

-Get Smith out of the fold and use that money to get Ray Allen to end his career in Denver. He and Coach Karl have a history and Shuttlesworth could get big minutes simply hanging on the wing while Melo creates and burying threes. Like Dale Ellis in Nugget gear, only without the mid-90s high top fade. That's a vet backcourt with Chauncey too, which is big come playoff time.

-Think big and try whatever it takes to get two Nugget foils to come and join the team: Dirk Nowitzki or Carlos Boozer. The Dirk move would most likely not even happen in LaLa Land (which is also what Melo's wedding is called) but Carlos Boozer could be an intriguing get, although he seems destined for Miami if all the LeBron pieces fall right. Couldn't hurt to try to at least send a message to your increasingly apathetic fan base.

-Interesting big men options (all over-the-hill/average, but could give 10 minutes and added size): Brad Miller, Ben Wallace, Jermaine O'Neal, Kurt Thomas, Tony Battie (homecoming!), Adonal Foyal, Francisco Elson)

-Two names that might make sense here in Denver: Louis Admundson (Decent size and shooting touch. Self described "Boulder kid" from nearby Monarch High.) Drew Gooden (Can give extended minutes and should be coming into his "prime." Had decent years in Cleveland with a slashing type team.)

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C Rayz Walz- Destroy

C Rayz Walz comes with a short, yet extremely different video for the Hip Hop genre. No word on if "Destroy" is from a forthcoming album or just for the hell of it. Peep it, but be warned that the end is not really for the squeamish. Remember this song the next time you decide to take a walk along a railroad track.

Mini Mite Night

No batteries included, and no strings attached...

Quick hitters from last night's Rockies v Red Sox wild slug fest:

-Dustin Pedoria short jokes are played out, (was he taller than the "you must be this tall to enter" sign they have outside the diamond?) because dude is just a straight baller. All three of his HRs weren't just dingers, they were shots. Add in his intensity and drive, and it is no wonder he is an MVP candidate every year. Don't call him an "overachiever" or "gritty" either, he has mad talent.

-I never understood why players run the bases with their batting gloves in their hands. In a game of inches, carrying your gloves takes away a couple. Witness Jonathon Herrera being hosed at second two times.

-Big Papi looks like he lost a few pounds, yet he still isn't the swiftest player. Makes you wonder if he would've been slimmer and taken care of himself earlier in his career that he could still be in Minnesota.

-Huston Street is still progressing nicely, although the second innning of work might've been a bit much for him. With Manny Corpas self imploding (again) we could see Street closing games this weekend in Disneyland.

-I kept waiting to get my Blackberry update on the big trade the Nuggets swung during the draft to improve the team. Some second round size? Stil waiting...

-Even more tired than Red Sox fans and their accent: Rockies fans trying to imitate Red Sox fans' accents. Yeah, we get it they like "to pahhhk their cahhhhhhr."

-Best line I read all week on a message board: Dammit Clint Barmes couldn't hit his ass with a banjo. Great visual and very true.

-13-11 final. Yeah, my bad, I tripped over the cord for the humidor. I accidentially put a case of Coors Light in there thinking it was the cooler. They should put up a sign or something.

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The Kleiza Era Will Not Be Resurrected

Conversation between Nuggets' defacto GM Rex Champman and former Nugget Linas Kleiza, who was rumored to be offered a contract to come back to the Mile High City. (NOTE: As per tradition on the SG, Linas is not a mild mannered midwesterner, but rather a ferocious cross between Ivan Drago and the crazy Eastern European dude down the block who chugs vodka by the caseload. His voice is best read in the that manner.)

REX: Linas? My man! Did you get our offer?

LINAS: You call that offer? Linas call it reason to kick Rex in the gonad.

REX: Your agent seemed a bit more receptive.

LINAS: Linas agent work for Linas. Like you work on street selling asshole to deviant.

REX: Linas, we'd really like you back in Denver.

LINAS: Denver can suck on rusty bowl of dog piss. You know where Linas at now?

REX: No.

LINAS: Linas on yacht. Big yacht. Make Jay-Z look like little sally boy. Linas float on Aegean Sea like Greek god. Much thong bikini. Much fancy European sunglass. Many entourage with hairy chest and small swimsuit.

REX: Okay, so you enjoy it there, we can work on the numbers...

LINAS: Enjoy? Linas more than enjoy! Linas lap up Greek poontang like kitty cat and milk. If Linas in Denver he wear big coat. Moon boot. Listen to Carmelo brag. Kenyon, Birdman stupid tattoo.

REX: We think you can help us get to the next level.

LINAS: Rex no good at math? Linas...Nugget...Western Conference Final. No Linas, you lose to Jazz in first round like puny man. Hah! Aron Affalo. Who is this Affalo? He little pimple on Linas butthole!

REX: Maybe we can revisit this later in summer then?

LINAS: Maybe Rex revisit Linas slap his sissy face.

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Super Chron Flight Brothers- Strangers With Candy

No money in the budget for high priced hookers dancers, flashy cars, rented clubs, or cases of champagne? Easy, go the way of The Super Chron Flight Brothers and splice together your favorite 70s, 80s, and 90s after school and Saturday morning treats. Check for their new album Cape Verde dropping tomorrow.

Big 12 Lone Star Light

But all along, my vision was never lost
I kept seeing all these rap groups fallin' off ...

The remnants of the old Big 12 have reformed, bowed down to their Longhorn overlords, and will continue to try operate as a legitimate conference. Good riddance.

News has come that UT, Oklahoma, and A&M will be given a higher percentage of revenue than the other seven schools. Seems fair, your conference opponent has a 30% head start before kickoff, tipoff, or the first whistle. Why not just make Iowa State play with 10 players and Kansas has to start their touchbacks at the 15 yeard line too?

If the big boys already have an advantage off the field, who is to say that they won't have a distinct on-field advantage? Think every referee on the field isn't aware that the team in burnt orange effectively runs the conference during a key play versus the little seven? Even that sliver of knowledge could provide a tiny advantage no matter what the conference puppets officials say.

This is big-time, old school, South West Conference, good ol boy, smells like the ranch they come from shady-ness. This proud CU fan is proud and smiling that our little outpost ski school took the surfboarder's cash and Anchor Steam beer and high tailed it for the left coast. Yee freaking haw.

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Killer Bees on a Swarm?

Bow what's the situation? Idioticy...

Wondering what to do with your vuvuzela if they get banned from the World Cup? The Slushy Gutter offers up some alternatives:

-Opposing hitters versus Ubaldo Jiminez may favor the lighter weight and increased bat head size.

-When the Red Soz fans invade Coors Field next week you can answer their "wicked" smack running with a constant horn blast.

-Take all the discarded vuvuzelas to join the Big 12. Instant rivalries with all the other blowhards down there. (Damn straight I'm running Big 12 smack, now let me get back to my Pac 10 skateboard and latte.)

-Assemble the greatest vuvuzela players to play a intricate symphony to harken the arrival of one Tim Tebow.

-One simple can of cold beer and you have a smooooooooooth SG approved beer bong.

-Since the move to the Pac 10 has taken some of the spotlight off the fact that Dan Hawkins is not a very good coach, he can distract the masses when it wears off with a steady vuvuzela murmur. (It's Division football! It's the Big 12! I mean, the Pac 10! Uhhhh, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!")

-Affix some sort of suction to the wide end to assist Nene with rebounding.

-What is stronger? The air from your vuvuzela or Kyle Orton's arm?

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Head West, Ralphie, Head West

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you
without a strong rhyme to step to...

--Credit has to be given to one Mike Bohn for this historic move. Just when CU fans were starting to fret, Bohn was working behind the scenes and getting things moving. He was proactive, (no, he and Diddy don't use Proactiv to clear up their mugs) and aggressive, rather than waiting on the pieces to fall.

--CU Prez Bruce Benson should shut the f*ck up in all of this. The man was no where to be seen when Dan Hawkins was not fired, although he was the driving force behind retaining the miserable coach. Now he's front and center tooting his own horn when it was Bohn (the man he overruled in the Hawk situation) that should be getting all the accolades.

--I will not miss Ames, Iowa. It is a dingy little hole in the wall town where the Old Chicago held the most excitement. Plus their unis look like Ronald McDonald.

--Lots of talk about baseball being added since the Pac 10 is a baseball powerhouse. If the new cash windfall can parlay that into a baseball and softball team, that has to be examined. However, I have always said if you add baseball, the City of Boulder and the Colorado Rockies need to be involved. Find a way to build a small, quaint-yet-funky baseball stadium in downtown Boulder. The Rockies need to be involved to get their rookie league team there. CU baseball through the spring and the Rox minor league starts there in late June.

--The football program has two years to turn this thing around. They cannot go into the Pac 10 as a doormat. If that means canning Hawk this year even if he has a winning year (which is unlikely) then it has to be done. This news is tremendous, but the buzz will quickly be over when we see the product on the field this fall. Nice, I just put "buzz", and "fall" together; that usually describes football Saturdays.

--If the remaining Big 12 schools come to the Pac 10, everyone assumes CU will play them once a year, plus the Arizona schools, then only two games versus the Cali/Oregon/Washington schools., with only one game versus that group. That could mean all this excitement about trips to Seattle/LA/Bay Area could only be one per year and that trip could be Pullman or Corvallis. Yet, Mike Bohn has said he can't comment on the scheduling. CU and the other Big 12ers might have some sort of cross-divisional trips in the works and more trips to the coast. Stay tuned. You know how those folks in Lubbock love their Bay Area sushi.

--Eugene, this is Boulder. I hear you both have a common interest in hackey sack, Patchouli oil, white guys with dreads, craft beer, a love for the outdoors, and weed. Yeah, I knew the two of you would hit it off.

--The whole Baylor PR campaign was stereotypical Texas arrogance. Seriously, Baylor? I mean what are we talking about here? Baylor? You know that loud mouth Texan in The Simpsons? That was Baylor this past week.

--I'll miss Lawrence, Kansas. Definitely a SG Crew favorite and a eight hour road trip worth the drive. An under rated midwest college town that doesn't feel like a midwest shithole (read: Ames.) I will not miss the Coors Events Center being 2/3 full of KU hoops fans. A tough trade, but I'll take it.

--This will be the last and few times in my life that I've said good for Nebraska. They were the ones 15 years ago who warned of a coming Texas-centric league. They'll fit in well with the Big 10 honks and the other schools will learn to loathe them quickly.

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Trash Man

Check out the oil my Cadillac spills...

If you're like me (and hopefully you are not, because you'll probably be in therapy, have a shrivelled liver, and talk like a cross between a mush mouthed mid-90s rapper and Cris Collinsworth) and read the sports section 10-20 a day, you probably spend the last few readings on the tiny agate print on the back pages. You know the college baseball scores, solunar table, misc stats, and of course, the "Tranactions" section (love to read how the College of Dickandsnot hired Mary Whoeverthefuck as their volleyball coach!)

Yesterday I read that the Donks had picked up linebacker Bruce Davis, who was recently cut from the Patriots. Of course he was. I'm beginning to think that McHoody may have a thing for players who had anything to do with the Patriots. If Bill Belichick picked up former Denver Nugget Greg "Cadillac" Anderson (who, as my friend D2 pointed out once, had about the lowest hairline in the history of the NBA. Seriously, the space between his eyebrow and hair was the size of the side of a nickel) and then cut him just to fuck with McHoody, the Donks would probably still pick him up.

Remember the scene in Coming to America where Mr McDougals swears up and down that his restaurant is a McDonald's ripoff, but then Akeem catches him reading the McDonald's operation manual? I half expect Tim Tebow to bust in on Josh and catch him with the Patriots playbook. Belichick proably wakes up and sees McHoody scammering away from his trash each trash day. One man's trash, is apparently the Donks' treasure.

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Bolder Boulder Beers

I cold chill at a party in a b-boy stance
And rock on the mic and make the girls wanna dance...

Yesterday was the annual Bolder Boulder 10K road race, which has become tradition in the Commish household over the last few years. Why? I asked myself that as a trudged up the final hill to Folsom Field, more looking like a shuffling 80 year old than Frank Shorter. The BB is the "great Colorado race", as I sat in the stands afterwards and scanned the joy on the people's faces, as youngsters beamed as Mom or Dad finished. Runners adorned their bibs with Memorial Day tributes to family and friends who have served their country. A wide variety of characters along the course, from Elvis impersonators, belly dancers, people giving away bacon ("the real Powerbar"), college kids offering free beer, and aging hippies. All that is great and adds to the race's charm, but my favorite part is the lone Michelob Ultra each runenr is awarded after the race, for that watered down (and I mean just a step above water, Michelob Ultra makes Coors Light taste like Guiness) slim can is the only time I can legally drink a cold one in Folsom's confines. That, my people, is why I run.

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