Fresh for 07: Top Rap Albums

1- Aesop Rock -None Shall Pass- Once again, Def Jux comes with arguably their best lyricist and crafts just an ill gem of personal tales and cryptic references (“Most copious/Rain soak the opiates/Notice how the phobias appropriately procreate/Woke up with a ghost farm focused on his groceries.”) Aesop Rock’s deep baritone flow waxes on just about every imaginable pop culture topic over some intricate Blockhead produced beats (“No City” is among the tops.) He even has his own son chanting his name at the end of one track and channels his inner Slick Rick on another, chanting “knock em out the box, Aes.” But it has to be Aesop’s tracks that he produced on his own, “Keep Off the Lawn” and “Catcomb Kids”(a vivid yet enigmatic trip back to his Long Island youth) that provide some of the top tracks. Guests include the usual suspects: El-P, Rob Sonic, Breeze Brewin, and Cage. Highlight: Check the CD’s cover art and interior art by San Francisco artist Jeremy Fish which even the most introspective art critic would have trouble deciphering.



2- Sean Price -Jesus Price Superstar- Duck Down records has become one of the last bastions for raw, unnerved East Coast Hip Hop, and Sean Price has become their front man. From the opening intro to the Rockness Monstah-chorus on “P-Body” it is vintage Price: witty lyricism, clever metaphors, and precise flow. Check for the religious lyrical plays throughout the album. The usual Boot Camp MCs (Buckshot, Smif N Wessun, etc.) appear throughout, but hidden on the track “Da God” is a highlight verse from Brand Nubian veteran Sadat X. 9th Wonder handles a handful of production, as does Khrysis, who beautifully masters a melodic “Hearing Aid” that appears late on the album. Highlight: I’ve never really known how to “count” a “mixtape”, but Price’s Summer mixer, “Master P” was nearly as great as the official album. It offers a host of guests with Casual, Big Shug, Prodigy, and Diamond D; “Legbreakers” with Big Shug is a hardcore heavyweight hit.

3- KRS-One and Marley Marl -Hip Hop Lives- From the moment KRS exclaims “I come back/Every year I get newer/I'm the dust on the moon/I'm the trash in the sewer” on the albums title track, you know you're in for a reinvigorated Kris Parker. Yes, he still belittles those “who weren’t there” and extols his importance to Hip Hop, but isn’t he speaking the truth? This is an ode to the music and culture as a whole, and Marley finely crafts some ol’ Boom Bap beats for KRS to weave his tales. “Rising to the Top” breaks down the history between BDP and Marley’s Juice Crew, as the hatchet is seemingly buried two decades later. Other nostalgia persists on “Over 30”, as do the questions of rapper violence (“Killa Rapper) and a great appearance by DJ Premier and Black Poet on “Victory.” Highlight: “The Teacher’s Back” is KRS’ lyrics and Marley’s beats at their finest with a piercing beat and scratches reminiscent of KRS’ 1995 self titled album.



4- Senim Silla -The Name The Motto The Outcome- Half of the Detroit underground group Binary Star returns a decade later with his solo offering. On the album's first track, the catchy “Keep It Coming”, he boldly tells us, “whoever said Hip Hop’s dead never met me” and sets the tone for an edgy, perceptive, sometimes social album. Senim doesn’t pull any punches on his tracks, railing against the current state (“Breaking the Law”) and getting deep on tracks like “The Awakening,” dropping John Lennon, killing Bill Mahrer, and labeling himself “A modern day Socrates for society’s hypocrisies.” On “Less Than Capital” he breaks down his own coming of age and upbringing, with a songy chorus pimping a “20 dollar dream and a penny of time.” The production is solid, handled by a handful of lesser-knowns. Highlight: The slower tempo “For The Record”, with its quiet guitar strum and Silla spitting “don’t smoke crack in fact I never sold none/I got shot once but it was just a pellet gun.”

5- Wu-Tang Clan -8 Diagrams- From the moment of the old kung fu audio on the album’s opening track “Campfire” you just know that Wu is back. Not like they ever truly left, but RZA’s rugged beats and a reinvigorated MC lineup make this Wu edition hot. Most of the album would fit into the dreary and dark category, but a few tracks, notably “Wolves” with George Clinton amp up the electricity. The reworking of the Beatles on “The Heart Gently Weeps” features Erykah Badu and Ghostface’s classic stylings. Lyrically, Method Man really stands out, spitting perhaps his fiercest and most direct since the “How High” days. On “Take It Back” the Clan attempts to tell the fragmented Hip Hop audience that they’re still in control , Raekwon spits “Long armor, construction on, I'm pro-drama/Catch me in the wildest beefs, I bring bombers.” Highlight: Search for the non-album single “Watch Your Mouth;” a lyrical smack down making you want to lace up the boots, rock the hoody and bob along with the “Wu, we run the east” chorus.

6- El-P -I’ll Sleep When Your Dead- Def Jux’s CEO pushes away from business to give us a journey through his mind and accompanying chaotic musical madness. On “Tasmanian Pain Coaster” you are thrust into a cacophony of cymbals, keyboard menageries, and fast paced drum patterns. El-P crafts his lyrics to match: “On the train now, a caboose/In his brain now, no recluse/80 blocks to uptown spot, destination vocal booth.” This is Brooklyn hardcore meets an LSD induced trip. A prison ship on which he falls in love with a prisoner, on the track “Habeas Corpes” f/ Cage might seem hokey, but after a listen, is a welcome topic in the era. But it isn’t all out there off the map joints, the old school “EMG” blends an old X-Clan beat in which El Producto says he’ll “be drunk on the back of the train takin' a piss, bumpin' BDP through a Raheem kit.” Guests include Mr. Lif, Aesop Rock, and a spirited verse from Tame One. Highlight: The funky “Drive” gives us El-P’s “generation carpooling with doom and disease” and the MC “riding shotty with Jesus of Nascar-reth.” And in true SG fashion his “triple A card has one too many initials.”

7- Boot Camp Click -Casaulities of War- Last year’s number one spot checks in again this year with the fourth BCC banger. It has become a pretty simple formula that always works: no big chorus or hooks, tight lyrics and straight forward hard beats. The production is scattered among a few, but the Marco Polo contributed tracks are some of the highlights, mainly “I Want Mine.” On “The Hustle” Buckshot, Steele, and Tek break down the grind, puff their chests, and flaunt their indie status all over a string driven sample. The classic Meters sample from “Just Kissed My Baby” is dusted off on the Dan The Man produced “What You See” which Tek and Steele flex their lyrical prowess (they seem to be heavily featured on the entire album.) As he tends to do, Sean Price is just exact on his verses, although he’s not as present as 06’s The Last Stand, and Rock once again reminds us that he needs a solo joint soo n top let his unique voice shine. Highlight: The grimy yet and driven “BK All Day” sees the crew big upping their borough (a popular theme on wax in 07) in which- surprise- former Black Moon member 5 Ft drops a solid 16 bars.

8- Joell Ortiz -The Brick Bodega Chronicles- A MC being hailed as “the next best thing” or the “best Latino MC since Big Pun” released his debut album, and after listening, he just might be that. Ortiz paints a vivid picture of Brooklyn and creates a masterful street level album. Describing BK in all components on the piano looped “125 (Parts 1 thru 4)” that are interspersed through the album; that is 125 straight bars, no breaks, no hooks, just straight lyrics. Carhart jackets, Tims, black hoodies, living in the projects, getting love on the rooftops, gunshots, all covered on the album and also on the first single “Hip Hop” in which Joell warns all the phonies “step on your white sunglasses…we don’t do that shit over here.” We hear ya. While he may be poised for big things as a member of Dre’s Aftermath, Ortiz still features some vets with Big Daddy Kane (coupled with Maino on the “Brooklyn” remix), Styles P on a banging “Time Is Money” and Rass Kass on a “125” edition. Highlight: Another Brooklyn theme on “Brooklyn Bullshit” on which Joell makes no apologies for his grimy and gritty BK ways, over a piercing yet slowed down guitar riff.

9- Common -Finding Forever- The man the media and critics have dubbed “real Hip Hop” comes with perhaps his finest album since the days of Resurrection. The Chi-Town MC leans heavily on his Windy City brethren, most notably a certain dude named Kanye, who appears on the first track, a heavy drum laden “Start The Show” and the two big up their part of Chicago on the catchy “Southside.” West is primarily responsible for the bulk of the album’s soulful, yet sample laden production. Any Common album would be remiss without some tender jams for the ladies, but don’t discount Common as going 2007 and making those booty shaking jams, rather he enlists the vocals of Bilal, the J-Dilla “So Far To Go” track with D’Angelo, and on the best track of the suave nature, “Drivin’ Me Wild” featuring Lily Allen. Highlight: As soon as “The Game” comes blasting a the album’s mid-point, some signature scratches come through, and any Hip Hop connoisseur bobs their head and knows it’s the legendary DJ Premier. This track has that classic boom bap sound with classic Common (think “Soul By The Pound”) flow and precise lyrics.

10- Iller Than Theirs -Iller Than Theirs- The contents of this debut reveals that members Tone Tank and Krayo are pretty much just regular Joes who happen to rap...and rap very well. The duo touch on everyday subjects of Brooklyn's gentrification, pull-out sofas and futons, spoiled milk and tap water, and degrade their buddies by saying they have dandruff. The single "To Be ILL" takes a Biz sample and Krayo opens with "everybody wants ice, but nobody wants to fill the tray." Two back to back tracks feature Masta Ace on "The Same" and perhaps one of the year's finest verses from Cool Calm Pete on "It is What It Is" which he opines "my train of thought is on transit strike." The final track "Wash Rinse Repeat" features a choir-like beat that serves as the album's perfect farewell. Highlight: Check the blogspot picts and writings of the group as they traveled throughout the country on tour with Junk Science, Devin the Dude, and Del tha Funkee Homosapien.

Others receiving votes:



Evidence -The Weatherman LP- Dilated Peoples’ master wordsmith comes with his debut album. As his MO, he spits creative “slow flow” and weather-related songs. DJ Babu produces and cuts throughout and guest appearances include Alchemist (rapping and producing), West Coast underground cats Defari and Planet Asia, and Little Brother’s Phonte.


Black Milk -Popular Demand- The Detroit producer has been behind the scenes for years, but comes to the mic on his solo joint. His flow and guests run the gamut of underground heads: Binary Star’s other half One Be Lo, Guilty Simpson, and Phat Cat among others. Slum Village blesses us along with Milk on the heavy synth of “Action” and you’ll see why he’s called a young J Dilla.




Dalek -Abandoned Language- This album is dark…very dark. The sound is created by Octopus is very sparse with deep beats, static rhythms and mellowing bag pipes at times. The lyrics by MC Dalek are intellectual, gruff, almost catastrophic. Pop it in and it almost feels like you’re being enveloped by the eerie, cloaked sound.


Archtype -Bleed For Them- The Lawrence, Kansas duo craft a melodic indie sounding record with witty samples and some swinging beats and some personal introspection. Couple some old folk songs at a few track's end and you have very enjoyable album. The track “You See” could very well be 2007’s best song, as Nezbeat crafts intimate strings while MC I.D. weaves a tale of a long lost girl.

Wiseman -Wiseman Approaching- The Detroit group is headed by Wu Tang affiliate Bronze Nazareth and he’s joined by Kevlaar 7, Phille, and Salute. The Wu sound is ever-present, as Killah Priest and RZA join on a few tracks. The highlight is the rugged “Iconoclasts” with Vast Aire, who spits “And you can talk shit, but look at your lip, now it's busted/Sorta like burgundy, bubbling custard.”

Percee P -Perseverance- An apt title since Percee P has been in the game for damn near 20 years, and now is coming with his first album. Produced by Mablib, great guests include Aesop Rock, Diamond D, and a top track with Charlie 2na (“No Time For Jokes”). But the hit has to be a heady collabo with JMT’s Vinnie Paz and Guilty Simpson, “Watch Your Step.”

Fresh For 07: Top CO Sports Moments

1-Touching the plate?- The Rockies’ run only got them a one game playoff with the San Diego Padres for the NL Wild Card. In a tight game, the Padres scored twice in extra innings. Enter Padres’ uber-closer Trevor Hoffman, who the Rockies greeted in the bottom of the13th with 2 runs to tie the game, the last on a Matt Holliday triple. After an intentional walk, pinch hitter Jamey Caroll hit a shallow fly to right, Holliday tagged and maybe or maybe not scored the winning run under catcher Michael Barrett, sending Coors Field into a frenzy.

2-Buffs boot by #3 Oklahoma- This game had all the makings of a blowout when the Sooners ran out to a big halftime lead. However, the 2nd half saw the Buffs O-line open huge holes, the defense come up with big turnovers and sacks, the return game set up scores, and CU kicker Kevin Eberhart kick a game winning 47 yard FG as time expired. It provided the “signature” win that many claimed coach Dan Hawkins and the young Buffs needed.

3-Todd Helton take the Dodgers deep- A mid-September game vs the Dodgers at Coors Field usually means playing it out, but this game unofficially started the Rox remarkable run. Down two in the top of the 9th with a man on and super closer Takashi Saito on the mound, Helton took him deep over the wall. The usually reserved Helton celebrated around the bases, tossed his helmet rounding 3rd base and stomped on home as he was mobbed by teammates.

4-Crash and Byrne- In the NL Championship series, Arizona OF Eric Byrnes whined to the media how the Rockies “weren’t the better team” and they “haven’t been outplayed” despite being down 2-0. In the fourth and ultimately final game, Byrnes and his DBacks were swept away by the streaking Rockies. Byrnes had a forgettable game, crashing into the wall in left field and trying to slide into first base on what would be the last out of the game, sending the Rockies into the World Series.

5-Book End Wins- Neither of the opponents has a winning record, but the Buffs got a year end and kickoff win versus two rivals- Nebraska and Colorado State. Both were 10 am games and saw the Buffs rally for nice wins. Versus the Sheep at Invesco, the Buffs converted late in the game to send it into OT, where CB Terrence Wheatley picked off a pass in the endzone and Eberhart kicked the winner. At year’s end versus Nebraska- with a bowl berth on the line- the Buffs reeled off 27 straight 3rd quarter points to reverse a halftime deficit and earn a trip to the Independence Bowl. And there, Dan Hawkins will get to practice his now-famous rant.

6-Melo wins Gold- It might’ve only been the Tournament of the Americas, and the Argentines didn’t even have their top team, but Melo and the US dominated the entire tourney wire to wire. The squad went a perfect 10-0 and most of their games were 20+ point blowouts. Melo not only was a top scorer, but dished the ball effectively and finally showed his ability to crash the boards. Melo and the rest of the squad, including Denver native Chauncey Billups, will attempt to win Gold in Beijing in 08.

7-Black Out- The Rockies took the first two games of the NLDS in Philly, then returned home to their rabid fans and a chance to sweep the series. A power outage at Coors didn’t even slow the unbelievable streak, as starter Ubaldo Jiminez kept the Phils at bay throughout the game. Relievers Brian Fuentes and Manny Corpas shut the door late after Jeff Baker singled home the winning run in a 2-1 Rox victory.

8-Same Ol Song- Once again, the Nuggets went into the postseason on a high, putting together a nice streak in the late season. Unfortunately, Coach Karl and Co were matched up against Tim Duncan and the Spurs. Like years past, the Nugs won Game One, but then fell in four straight. They were in almost every game, and if not for a colossal brain fart and leaving Robert Horry wide open in Denver, a different series could’ve emerged.

9-Feel the Buzzzzz- CU basketball, long a forgotten stepchild of the athletic department, shed itself of the plateau it felt it had reached under coach Ricardo Patton by hiring Jeff Bzdelik. He had previously taken the Air Force Academy to the NCAA and NIT in just two years there. He promised a tough, disciplined system in Boulder, and to bring in the caliber of athletes that CU needs to compete in the Big 12.

10-Organized Chaos- The Donks went into their regular season opener in Buffalo full of confidence and easily moved the ball throughout the game. However, they had trouble actually scoring points (a trend we would see all year). A tight game came down to a late Jay Cutler drive and a in-bounds pass with less than 20 seconds. No timeouts forced the FG unit to hustle on the field with ball snapped as the clock expired and Jason Elam nailed the win.

Not so top moments: The International ceasing to operate…The Rox get shut out of the post-season awards…Travis Henry: weed and lots of kids…The Avalanche playoff streak comes to an end…Brett Favre beats the Donks on the first OT play…Todd Sauerburn being a knucklehead…David Kircus crashing a party and crashing some dude’s face…The fire drill/officiating bungle of CU at Iowa State…Darrent Williams and Damien Nash’s passing…Rasheed Wallace’s half court prayer sinks the Nuggets…the Rockies internet sales debacle...some kid gets ran over at the CSU spring game…Melo’s buddy beats the sh*t outta some guy inside a 7-11…CU settles the lawsuit from the “scandal”…DerMarr Johnson gets tased at the Purple Martini…San Diego hangs 40 on the Donks and empties the stadium at halftime…Rod Smith doesn’t play all year and doesn’t retire…Ricardo Patton is out as CU Hoops coach....Javon Walker is hurt…Beer is no longer served at CU basketball games.

RELATED: 2006 Top CO Sports Moments

A Christmas Gory

Your shit's dead, you gets fed
To the alligators lurking in the moat,
Peep what I wrote,
You bit so hard, I though your shit was a quote…

PROPS and DROPS from the Christmas Eve Bronco loss to the Chargers:

DROPS: Maybe it has taken 16 weeks, a training camp, preseason games, countless articles in the media, speculation of the internet, blogger chatter, TV coverage, radio talk shows…everywhere and everyone. But the simple fact may be that this team just isn’t as talented as we all thought. The two Charger games should be exhibit A and B. They simply manhandled the Donks in every facet. And the Bolts are a step behind the Pats and Colts, and perhaps behind the Jags, Steelers, and maybe Browns. That leaves the Broncos two or three steps behind the curve in the rugged AFC. The core of this team: Cutler, Champ, Scheffler, Marshall, DJ Williams, maybe Moss and Crowder, are about the only guys that make an impact.

DROPS: Somewhere, probably a bar, Todd Sauerbrun is laughing. His replacement, Paul Ernster had an absolutely horrendous day. His punts looked like a 8 year in the Punt Pass Kick contest. Shanny wasted no times and released Ernster; Merry Christmas Paul. The Broncos need to quit this Free Agent carousel of punters and look to draft one in the late rounds of the draft in 08.

DROPS: The Chargers came into the game a bit chippy, as their play seemed like the Broncos took their milk money. Jay Cutler was being taunted by his counterpart, SD quarterback Phillip Rivers late in the game, and the Chargers were vocal after all their stops. Frustration boiled over when John Lynch drew a 15 yard penalty for ripping off LT’s helmet. While the Chargers’ actions might be deemed unsportsmanlike (especially after the whined about the Pat’s celebration last year) the Broncos failed to match their intensity or take advantage of the trash talk and answer by punching back.

PROPS: Another loss and the Broncos can position themselves in the top third of the NFL draft. Their biggest need? Could be anywhere on the defensive side of the ball, but the SG says if a stud LB is there that could fill a big void on the D. A ball hawker to play next to DJ Williams and allow the youngsters on the DL to continue to grow.

PROPS: To the countless Bronco fans who switched over to TBS and “A Christmas Story” by the 3rd quarter. Could the Bumpas Hounds get a better pass rush than the Broncos? Would the leg lamp look good in Shanny’s office? Does the Red Ryder gun have more pop than Selvin Young? Can we wash Lynch’s mouth out with soap? Has Shanny shot his eye out?

Friday Funk: Christmas in Hollis

CHECKIN OUT RUN-DMC'S CLASSIC "CHRISTMAS IN HOLLIS"

-Run DMC is listed as the producers of the song.
-Co-Producers: Rick Rubin, Russel Simmons, and Steve Ett.
-The Naughty/Nice device that the elf is utilizing has got to be a modified Simon game.
-Released in 1987 on A Very Special Christmas album, all proceeds went to the Special Olympics.
-Run is rocking the sleek Portland Trailblazers' coat; by miles Portland is the second furthest NBA franchise from Hollis, New York.
-Top three scorers on the 1987-88 Trailblazers: Clyde Drexler, Kiki Vandweghe, and Jerome Kersey.
-The song was featured in the original Die Hard movie.
-This song was the only origianl song featured on the Special Christmas album, all others were covers of carols and other Christmas songs.
-The song's sample is Clarence Carter's "Back Door Santa".
-Mrs. Claus also calls her husband "Back Door Santa" from time to time.
-That's because he and Rudolph can run a perfect pick and roll play on the basketball court, get your mind out of the gutter, you pervert.
-A few of the names on the Naughty/Nice screen: Coco (Fiji), Big "O" (New York), Bobby Lee (Hong Kong), Tim Simpson (Chicago).
-No word if DMC actually shot the deer head above the fireplace.
-Other famous Hollis natives: Stephen A Smith and Al Sharpton
-When Run removes the license from Santa's wallet, is it a standard license, or did he have to get a special Sleigh Operator's stamp?
-It was featured on Run DMC's Together Forever, a greatest hits compilation.
-More names that appear on the Naughty/Nice screen: Iman Zumbal (Nigeria), Mette Madsen (Oslo), and Paul Raymond (Sydney).
-Song before this on the Special album: "Gabriel's Message" by Sting.
-According to Wikipedia, Collard Greens are also called borekale.

Sauerbrun Era is Over

Cause some don't agree with how I do this
I get straight and meditate like a Buddhist
I'm droppin flava, my behavior is hereditary
But my technique is very necessary…

Another storied chapter in the Colorado sports scene came to an end yesterday when the Broncos released punter Todd Sauerbrun. No doubt we will soon see Todd’s pudgy grill emblazoned on a downtown building alongside those of Terrell Davis, Carmelo Anthony, and Joe Sakic.

How we’ll miss his almost incoherent rants and answers when appearing on local talk shows. Sometimes it’s as if we’re listening to the Bob Costas’ Bizarro-world twin given the depth of his conversations.

I’ll fondly remember his career highlight: punting and kicking to the most feared return man in the league and then watching said returned hurdle over him en route to a touchdown. How perhaps those kicks sealed the Broncos’ fate as a non-playoff participant.

The short kickoffs, the low angled punts, the punt touchbacks. All cherished memories in the annals of Denver sports lore. Of course, who can forget him allegedly roughing up a Denver cab driver over $8.35? Who hasn’t wanted to beat down a cabbie?

Even saying his name was fun: Sauerbrun. Kind of like a German pastry or a knock off of Lemon Heads candies. New Sauerbrun Lemon Heads, chock full of roids and sweet goodness! Goodbye Todd, there’s a spot for you on the SG Ring of Fame. Now, can someone find Mike Horan?

Texas Teed Off

Let me freak the funk,
obsolete is the punk that talk more junk than Sanford sells
I jet propel at a rate that accomplish their mental state
as I invade their masquerade...

PROPS and DROPS from the Broncos loss to the Texans and the football weekend:

DROPS: One thing they Donks can say they improved on in 2007 is the date of when they were eliminated. With the Chargers complete throttling of the Lions and the Browns snowball defeat of the Bills, the Donks find themselves playing out the proverbial string. Note the Chargers taking the Lions to the woodshed, a team that hasn’t won since they spanked the Donks in early November.

DROPS: The NFL might want to extend the official Red Zone designation for the Broncos only to anywhere inside the 40 yard line. Anytime they passed this mark, the offense seemed to become predictable and stale. Mistakes in the form of penalties would mount and the team would find themselves in no-man’s land with the option of short punt/long FG/go for 4th scenarios. A game that could’ve easily been 21-10 had the offensive mastermind that is Shanny found any sort of game inside the 40.

DROPS: The big focus has been on the less than stellar play of the defensive front, but we would be remiss to discount the below average linebacker play. Ian Gold has been pedestrian at best this year, and when Jamie Winborn is flying all over the field, it may be time to look hard at a top notch LB draft pick or free agent. DJ Williams has had a solid year adjusting to his new spot, coupling him with a speedy teammate on the outside could be beneficial for the beleaguered unit.

DROPS: It seems all but inevitable that Shanny will once again make the coaching changes on the defensive side of the ball. Fourteen games in and the Jim Bates lead unit just doesn’t seem to “get it.” When the ‘D’ is ranked in the bottom quarter of nearly every statistical category, someone has to take the fall. Shanny needs to be the one ultimately responsible, he’s the one who keeps hiring these retreads and allows them to completely retool the defense in what seems like every year. Perhaps it is time to hire a younger, hungry coordinator who can get some fire into that side of the ball.

DROPS: Good morning Invesco Field, how many empty seats do you expect Dec 30 when the Vikings come to town? Cheap tickets available.

Rocky Roids

Uplift, bench press, arm curl, keep the structure of the temple
To make things simple, my existence is a ripple through time
Only concerned with what is mine, divine
Never monkeyshine, walkin down a very thin line...

The sports world was on pins and needles the past couple days as everyone waited to see if their favorite baseball player was on the Mitchell Report. Whew, Roy Hobbs did not make the list!

However, a handful of Rockies did make the list. Mainly a collection of lesser-known Rockies with only a couple years’ service with the club. Among them:

-Denny Neagle- Steroids apparently altered his brain into thinking that transvestite strippers are actually Angelina Jolie and that the cab of his truck on Colfax by Casa Bonita is a suite at the Ritz. (yes, that is her/it/him pictured)

-Jack Cust- A minor league legend that bashed homers in the sticks versus journeymen and youngsters, yet couldn’t play the outfield better than a traffic barrel with a hat.

-Mike Lansing- A surprising name here, although by the time he got to Denver, his forearms looked like two footballs. Lansing is a Wyoming native, where apparently roids are blown by the stiff winds right into one’s bloodstream.

-Gary Bennett- Denver media screams: “Not only was he a roid junkie, but he provided strippers and alcohol to football recruits! Oh wait, Gary Bennett. Sorry about that.”

-Larry Bigbie- I don’t even remember this guy playing outfield for the Rox, but saying is name is fun, he sounds like a Muppet or something.

-Glenallen Hill- He never played for the team, but is the team’s first base coach. This is one former player I hope can come out of this mess. Outside of Matt Holiday getting picked off in Game Two of the Series, Hill did an admirable job this year and seems to be a strong leadership voice in the clubhouse. In the report, he paid for his roids with a personal check. What? Did he lose his debit card?

-Darren Holmes- He was actually a pretty decent reliever who threw some wicked heat for the Rox in the mid-90s. When the actual baseball developed male pattern baldness and acne, then something was up.

-Bobby Estalella, Kent Mercker, Ron Villone, and Greg Zaun- These guys could’ve shot up roids on the pitcher’s mound while having sex with a rabid foaming goat, singing “Cat Scratch Fever,” while wearing a Chewbacca costume and no one would give a sh*t.

-Matt Herges- He was a key reliever in the Rockies’ run this year, and just recently resigned for a year. $2.25 million will finance a lot of trips to Tijuana for uhhhh…fresh melons and donky shows?

-And good morning Dante Bichette! You were probably at the top of most Rox fans list of most likely to be roided up. Just goes to show you kids, flowing mullets, eating ribs and drinking plenty of Coors can get you a few Hall of Fame votes. Stay off the juice kids, like Dante.

Chuck wants to eat AI

Simple and plain - give me the lane
I'll throw it down your throat like Barkley
See the car keys - you'll never get these

Real reasons Charles Barkely doesn’t like Allen Iverson:

1-AI found Charles’ stash of Moon Pies and Twinkies that he had stashed under Section 21 at the Wachovia Center
2-If Chuck squints his eyes, AI looks enough like a caramel covered Twinkie that it just drives him completely batty. Throw in the name “Carmelo” and he just goes beserk.
3-AI’s failed rap career reminded Chuck of his own mid-80’s R & B endeavor, “Round Mound of Chunky Funky Sound”
4-AI got better Secret Santa gifts for Kenny Smith than Chuck did a few years back
5-Charles saw some pictures of Dick Bevatta all kissing up on Allen on TMZ.com

6-AI photoshopped a news story to make Chuck think that Isiah Thomas will pay him 11.5 million to cover his gambling debts.
7-Charles once wanted some fresh corn rows, but the hair plugs accidentally were fused to his eyebrows, making him further resent AI.
8-AI’s kids have been using Charles’ suit jacket as a backyard tent and a parachute.
9-Even though AI was only 9 years old, Chuck still thinks he was all up in Bob Knight’s ear and had him cut from the 1984 Olympic team.
10-In one of his gambling stupors, Charles once bet $50,000 that AI could win a jump ball versus former teammate Manute Bol. When neither showed, the bookie kept Chuck’s money by default.

Refs Hate the Snow

You can take back all the things you give
But ya can't take back the days you live
Life is to some people who've been on earth
Livin' every single day for what it's worth...

PROPS and DROPS from this weekend's Bronco walloping of the Chiefs and a few wayward Buff notes:

PROPS: The entire Broncos team, from the offense to the defense, even the maligned special teams played like it was 1998 again. The Chiefs game was the most complete game of the year, maybe even since the midway point of last year. The Chiefs won’t mistake anyone for the Patriots, but hey still have studs like Larry Johnson, Jared Allen, and Tony Gonzalez. The defense shut down the Chiefs running game to the tune of a measly few yards. The offense ran straight at Allen, wearing him down and Selvin Young collected a hefty 150+ yards. Gonzalez still had a decent game, collecting a TD, but the Donk pass rush made it difficult for KC QB Brodie Croyle or Damon Huard or Elvis Grbac to complete anything.

DROPS: Brandon Marshall had another spectacular game, routinely running through the Chief defense like prune juice through your granddad. On his TD catch he was flagged for celebration for playing in the snow. Perhaps the refs don’t know that Marshall is a sun belt kid who really gets off on snow, or maybe when they were kids they were just pelted by snowballs and still harbor a hate for the white stuff. Whatever it is, lighten up zebras.

PROPS: In case you forgot just how damn good Champ Bailey was, yesterday reminded everyone. Champ became the “shut down” corner again versus KC. On his INT, the entire stands, teams, and cheerleaders knew he would pick it off as soon as it left Croyle’s hand. From that point on, his side of the field was not even an option as the defense shut them out.

DROPS: Everyone’s favorite weirdo punter, Todd Sauerbrun got into his pregame mode Friday night by roughing up some cab driver. Like many metro areas, most of Denver’s cab drivers are small, wirey East Africans. I’m not the Ferdie Pacheo fight doctor, but a six foot two inch, 215 pound, once roided up punter, is probably no match for a cab driver. Now, five or six of those dudes, they could take him.

PROPS: To CU linebacker Jordon Dizon, who lost out on the Butkus Award, but won the MVP of the team at the annual banquet. The staff hasn’t wasted any time trying to find his replacement, as they purged a Nebraska recruit, LB Shane Mohler and welcomed him into the fold.

Buffaloed

We ain't goin' for this
They say that I stole this
Can I get a witness?

CU President Hank Brown settled the lawsuit brought against the school by two women who said they were sexually assaulted by football recruits this past week. The total settlement was 2.85 million dollars.

Brown, as slick but fair politician as there’s been around here, faced massive pressure from both sides prior to the settlement. He’ll be outgoing as President in 2008 and this is perhaps his last major act as the leader of the state’s flagship university. The reality, whether right or not, in the time we live in is that public image sometimes means more than standing up for something you seriously believe. In this case, the CU admin knew that they had done no wrong in this case, yet a prolonged trial would’ve further sullied the University’s reputation.

What happened on that night in December 2007 was almost something you’d see out of a Cinemax grade B late night flick: massive underage drinking and lurid sex with multiple partners. Slowly it falsely started to leak out, carefully orchestrated by a public relations firm in bed with a football-hating DA; the football team had arranged this party, the head coach signed off on it; there was a culture of sex, drugs, drinking and wrong in the Athletic Department.

Young men’s lives were ruined, an entire University’s good name was desecrated by an overzealous DA, the hungry mediafor a juicy story , and even a gutless governor who by job title should protect one of his state’s most valuable assets.

In the end there were zero- zero- criminal charges filed against the young men. The NCAA determined that there was no wrong doing also. The University moved swiftly, shedding the President, the Chancellor, the Athletic Director, numerous football assistants and staffers. The head coach stuck around, but his main reason for no longer being there was losing to Texas and Nebraska.

Six years later the chapter is finally closed. CU had the choice to go to trial and fight. At what cost? Lawyer fees that are already in seven figures would’ve doubled, the young men and a honorable coach’s names would’ve once again been attached to this distasteful night. And CU’s good name would’ve been front page, ESPN, and website fodder as the shocking details of that night came out in a court of law.

When the judge’s gavel finally would’ve struck, it could’ve been nearly a decade since the incidents and a decade worth of damage. Was that worth saving face? Apparently Brown and the regents thought not. Now, the University must move on; a new President will enter Boulder without this mess behind, fundraising can proceed, and people can attempt to move on in their lives.
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SG recommends the Bruce Plaskett’s “Buffaloed: How Race, Gender and Media Bias Fueled a Season of Scandal,” for the utmost breakdown on what happened throughout the “scandal” in Boulder.

CHECK Gary Barnett's response to the settlement

Pimp C

What seems to be an all-too-common theme in Hip Hop, today the genre is mourning the loss of yet another of its stars, Pimp C of UGK fame.

I won’t front like I was up on the UGK and most of the Houston scene. I stopped listening to anything that came out of Texas the day that Willie D wasn’t in the Geto Boys anymore. But I did listen to early UGK, as my man Fresh Marcus put me down with their major label debut, Too Hard To Swallow way back in 1992. Fifteen years later, and UGK was still putting out music. If you really think about it, no one of significance has been in the game that long. No one outside of Scarface in Texas has even approached that length.

I would tire of the Houston scene, the constant car references, syrup, being draped up, the slower chopped and screwed beats. As De La once said “I’m not hating just because I don’t like it.” But I respected it; these guys could rap. You heard a creative wordplay, there was any mumble mouthed chorus that didn’t mean anything, the beats took some time, you heard scratches. It was Hip Hop, and again it faces another loss.

CHECK IT:

UGK: "International Players Anthem (I Choose You)"

Jay-Z f/ UGK: "Big Pimpin

Wack Black Hole

Well, it was one of those days -- not much to do
I was chillin downtown, with my old school crew…

PROPS and DROPS from this weekend’s Broncos’ loss in the Black Hole and CU’s invitation to the Independence Bowl.

DROPS: I’m not Knute Rockne or Vince Lombardi, but even some idiot who runs a stupid blog knows you can’t turnover the ball as many times as the Donks did and expect to win. Denver’s fumble-itis and interception-acia lead to 24 Raider points. Did Oakland even score 24 points last year? Jay Cutler picked this game to have his worst showing of the year, as he not only threw into coverage (a few of his completions his WRs bailed him out with terrific catches) but just threw low, behind, and high on more than a handful of balls. His second INT, with Denver trailing by a TD and picking up momentum, was the game killer. The Raiders scored on the TO and it was 5-7 for the Donks.

DROPS: Special teams didn’t lose this game like in the Chicago disaster, but they sure didn’t contribute on the positive side. Todd Sauerbrun’s kicks aren’t getting the defense favorable field position. And his line drive kick offs aren’t allowing the coverage team to be in position for the returners to blow by them. Even Cecil Sapp’s stupid running into the punter call on Denver’s initial defensive stop helped set the tone.

DROPS: I praised the unknowns on the D Line a few weeks back, but we may be seeing why they were no-names to begin with. The D Line was the weak point of the defensive unit, as the entire shuffling line was out tackled by the backs linebackers respectively. Was that Josh McNown with enough time back there to rub a can of Bryl Cream in Al Davis’ hair? And was that Huggy Bear’s son rambling through the Donks’ line like he was being chased by Hutch? Yes to both, with Fagas rambling for nearly a buck fifty versus the porous defense.

DROPS: Can we just end the Travis Henry Era now? Mr Mary Jane had a horrendous game versus Fat Sapp and crew with only 40 yards. The question is why did Shanny choose to go with Henry rather than side with consistency and rhythm that the other backs have been giving the offense? The answer is probably the mega million contract that he is still trying to justify in giving to a sketchy player on and off the field. The Raiders entered the game with the worst defense versus the run in the league, and Henry couldn’t find any holes.

PROPS: Colorado heads to northern Louisiana to take on Alabama in the Independence Bowl. This is the game that was once called the Weed Eater Bowl, and quite frankly, most Buff fans’ could give a shit. Mainly because 99% of them will be watching it on TV, however it’s still a bowl game and it gives this young team 15 extra practices, national exposure (Dec 30’s only game), a traditional power opponent, and Dan Hawkins a chance to scream about crawdads or river boat gambling, or whatever the hell goes on there. The bowl game and favorable final game has lead to a four and five star commitment over the past weekend, with perhaps more to follow.