Rocky Roids

Uplift, bench press, arm curl, keep the structure of the temple
To make things simple, my existence is a ripple through time
Only concerned with what is mine, divine
Never monkeyshine, walkin down a very thin line...

The sports world was on pins and needles the past couple days as everyone waited to see if their favorite baseball player was on the Mitchell Report. Whew, Roy Hobbs did not make the list!

However, a handful of Rockies did make the list. Mainly a collection of lesser-known Rockies with only a couple years’ service with the club. Among them:

-Denny Neagle- Steroids apparently altered his brain into thinking that transvestite strippers are actually Angelina Jolie and that the cab of his truck on Colfax by Casa Bonita is a suite at the Ritz. (yes, that is her/it/him pictured)

-Jack Cust- A minor league legend that bashed homers in the sticks versus journeymen and youngsters, yet couldn’t play the outfield better than a traffic barrel with a hat.

-Mike Lansing- A surprising name here, although by the time he got to Denver, his forearms looked like two footballs. Lansing is a Wyoming native, where apparently roids are blown by the stiff winds right into one’s bloodstream.

-Gary Bennett- Denver media screams: “Not only was he a roid junkie, but he provided strippers and alcohol to football recruits! Oh wait, Gary Bennett. Sorry about that.”

-Larry Bigbie- I don’t even remember this guy playing outfield for the Rox, but saying is name is fun, he sounds like a Muppet or something.

-Glenallen Hill- He never played for the team, but is the team’s first base coach. This is one former player I hope can come out of this mess. Outside of Matt Holiday getting picked off in Game Two of the Series, Hill did an admirable job this year and seems to be a strong leadership voice in the clubhouse. In the report, he paid for his roids with a personal check. What? Did he lose his debit card?

-Darren Holmes- He was actually a pretty decent reliever who threw some wicked heat for the Rox in the mid-90s. When the actual baseball developed male pattern baldness and acne, then something was up.

-Bobby Estalella, Kent Mercker, Ron Villone, and Greg Zaun- These guys could’ve shot up roids on the pitcher’s mound while having sex with a rabid foaming goat, singing “Cat Scratch Fever,” while wearing a Chewbacca costume and no one would give a sh*t.

-Matt Herges- He was a key reliever in the Rockies’ run this year, and just recently resigned for a year. $2.25 million will finance a lot of trips to Tijuana for uhhhh…fresh melons and donky shows?

-And good morning Dante Bichette! You were probably at the top of most Rox fans list of most likely to be roided up. Just goes to show you kids, flowing mullets, eating ribs and drinking plenty of Coors can get you a few Hall of Fame votes. Stay off the juice kids, like Dante.