Wednesday, August 08, 2007

5280: Juiced Up?

Don't make me wreck shit, hectic
Next get the chair got me goin like General Electric
And the lights are blinkin I'm thinkin
It's all over when I go out drinkin…

While the nation’s eyes are fixed on Barry Bonds breaking the home run record, the Slushy Gutter’s eyes are bleary and not looking so good at breaking their mark. The starting nine may be in need of some “enhancement” to reach their stated goal of 5280 beers.

Current Slushy Gutter Winner Jeez Steve and two time Slushy Gutter Winner Juck are the exceptions. They are A-Rod and Matt Holliday of this sh*t. Jeez Steve posted a stellar 85 over last week, including a near 12 pack while “trimming trees.” Hate to see those trees. Juck was 10 behind, as he even braved a wicked electrical storm with CL can in hand to add to the total.

Trav is right there as well, the season’s surprise. Think Troy Tulowitzki. He followed his now-standard poker, after work beers, and PS2 beers. He did endure a long night where he downed keg beer and was politely asked to leave the establishment. Broz is also on the upswing, perhaps the SG’s Prince Fielder. Broz swilled the bulk of his 40+ beers at a rain soaked neighborhood Luau where he watched impromptu diving comps, smoked stolen cigarettes, and endured a wicked Sunday hangover.

Consistency is the word for former Slushy Gutter Winner Pickles and the Commish. Dependable, like maybe Cal Ripken and Ryne Sandberg. Both plugged their way to the needed mid-30 average and did all the small things.

Former two time Slushy Gutter Winner TDub welcomed his beautiful daughter into the world, but not before knocking out 30+ beers at softball and patiently waiting for the big moment. Given the baby history, he may start to decline. Think Sammy Sosa.

Rounding out the lineup, think way below the Mendoza line, are Slick Rip and former two time Slushy Gutter Winner JayBiz. Rip is on “sabbatical” and knocked out only a dozen, and vowed to remain sober until Labor Day. Ouch, not good for the team there. JayBiz did him one better, sucking down 13. Think Ozzie Canseco.

With four weekends left, the overall number is struggling. The general manager may bring in an influx of talent to produce the results that we expected back in the preseason. Play Ball! (3618)

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Blogger Travis said...

Does that I mean I get a ROY trophy?

10:26 AM  
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you could bring in a inanimate christmas plastic reindeer to replace Gaybiz. Same difference.

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