Philly Stunts

They weren't cheating, the Phillies were using binoculars at Coors Field to look at:

--That drunk chick in the Thornton High shirt with the huge knockers! Holy crap those things are bigger than a catcher's mitt!
--Tim Tebow was in the stands giving out free hot chocolate to senior citizens.
--Those weren't real binoculars, they were those fake ones that hold liquor. Chase Utley likes stout whiskey sour about the fifth inning.
--Ryan Howard needed to know where the nearest burrito stand was located.
--We were trying to see if Jim Leyland's old ashtrays were stashed anywhere.
--Had to make sure Roy Halladay's old Arvada West history teacher wasn't suddenly going to give him a pop quiz about the War of 1812.
--Little known fact that the Phillies bullpen are hard core bird watchers and that Colorado is world renown for its assortment of wild birds (this message sponsored by the Colorado Div of Wildlife.)
--We weren't stealing signs, we also had a race scanner out and were trying to listen to Greg Biffle's track communication.
--Ken Griffey was taking a nap behind the Dippin Dots stand.
--We were stealing signs, but the signs weren't giving away pitches, they were wannabee gang signs that ordered the Aaron Cook to do a driveby on Dinger.

RELATED: Lords of the Underground - "Tic Toc" - ("you rappers out there couldn't see me with binoculars")