The pitter patter you heard on your roof this morning? Not rain, it was God's tears of joy that Tim Tebow is coming to Colorado.
College football's most celebrated and hated player is a Denver Bronco, soon to be arriving at Denver International Airport, where his first order of business will be to transform the equally divisive "Demon Horse" into a whimsical unicorn that will be celebrated by all.
All of Tebow's interviews last night with Jeremy Schapp? They've already been forever emblazoned on a bronze plaque and hung in Dove Valley. Tebow said he doesn't care what number the Donks give him, yet by the end of this month there'll be more Tebow jerseys in Denver than Tulos. Each one will be sewn with Tebow's golden hair, with a matching strand donated to help bring high speed internet to poor rural areas.
Tebow's new teammates might be skeptical of him as soon as he steps in the locker room for mini camp #1, but once they get a taste of the coconut macaroons he baked and left in each of their lockers, they'll be on board. Other QBs might be annoyed by his presence in the film room, until Tebow sees something on film in the Kansas City defense that also leads to the solving of JFK's assassination and that the Big Foot film was actually a guy in a Halloween costume.
Fans at tailgates at Invesco will debate Tebow ad naseum in the Fall, but they won't see Tebow helping the Boy Scouts after the game collecting their discarded aluminum cans. McHoody might have to look a few extra seconds to insert Tebow into a game because he might be helping the DPD difuse a near fight between two fans. And when Tebow scores that first touchdown, he'll hand the ball back to ref, but there also be a Olive Garden gift card thanking the ref for his hard work.
You have woke up today, and simply by Tebow being a player on the Denver Broncos football team, you are a better person. When you take your boss and co-workers to lunch today and they thank you; when you bring your wife some flowers; after your kid gets done with a hearty extra scoop of ice cream, tell them "don't thank me, thank Tim Tebow."
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