Stale Coors
Events from yesterday's journey to Opening Day, an annual event in the realm of the SG:
-10am, we are the first car parked in the lot. A young Russian gal makes former two-time Slushy Gutter winner Mummy repark his car in the "second" spot. Maybe she was saving the first for Vladimir Putin.
-LoDo is bustling. They are giving away everything from energy drinks to magnets, backpacks, trail bars, free hysterectomies, gallons of rancid pickles, and WD-40.
-There are lots of liquor "girls" abound. The Jager Girls are a rough bunch, choking down heaters and jaywalking. I score some free beads from them.
-Our friend The Champ calls, he informs us some "22 year old hottie" is picking him up to take him downtown. No word if it is Ashley Olson.
-Beer #1 arrives in my mouth at about 10:30 on the roof of LoDos. Smoooooooooooooooooth.
-Beer #2 follows soon after.
-Twisted Sister comes on over the loud speaker. I knew I should've worn pink eyeliner and my shoulder pads.
-Mummy suggests we start chanting "titties, titties!" in an effort to see a flashing war.
-A girl from Shotgun Willies gives us about 10 free passes.
-Three time Slushy Gutter Winner JL Smooth and Mummy argue on the age of one female patron. JL says nearly 50, while Mummy says late 20s. Beer goggle math sets in.
-Shots arrive. The Commish never does shots. Today he does. The word is "ugly."
-Mummy comments on a girl who is "chewing her gum like a horse." After some reflection he counters himself with "I don't think horses chew gum." That's deep.
-JL Smooth points out a burly man wearing a 1993 era Hobie cat tank top, Dolphin shorts and hiking boots. Colorado Rockies baseball: the great unifier.
-Slick Rip arrives, he is wearing an Arizona hat. We are not impressed.
-Another debate, this time on the color of another female patron's eyes. Juck and Mummy say a blue, I say yellow. Yes, yellow eyes.
-We are in the bar area and spot Broz. My man Clarence Cricket has arrived too. The gang's all here, maybe we can try to drink 5000 beers or some stupid shit.
-We are walking towards Coors Field. We actually debate where the actual "slushy gutter" incident took place some 10 years ago. We cannot reach a consensus.
-I secure my first be
er at the game, bastards have raised the prices a quarter. That could translate into thousands of dollars lost for the SG Crew.
-3-0 D-Backs in the first. Mark Redman is a douchebag.
-I try to go into the restroom using the exit door. I am stopped by a bearded man and some other guy; we wrestle. They have appointed themselves the guardians of the restroom exit. I am mocked by the masses.
-The D-Backs are kicking our ass all over. We have one hit. If the beers we have drank counted for runs, we would be killing them.
-I'd rather have Redman pitching.
-Todd Helton smacks a late solo homer. Too bad it wasn't one of those 'Rock and Jock' 20-point home runs.
-I hail a cab, strangely the cab looks exactly like Mrs. Commish's ride and the driver looks exactly like Mrs. Commish.
-The Rockies record stands at 1-3. 158 games remain, that's alot of quarters. Eric Byrnes is still a douchebag.
-10am, we are the first car parked in the lot. A young Russian gal makes former two-time Slushy Gutter winner Mummy repark his car in the "second" spot. Maybe she was saving the first for Vladimir Putin.-LoDo is bustling. They are giving away everything from energy drinks to magnets, backpacks, trail bars, free hysterectomies, gallons of rancid pickles, and WD-40.
-There are lots of liquor "girls" abound. The Jager Girls are a rough bunch, choking down heaters and jaywalking. I score some free beads from them.
-Our friend The Champ calls, he informs us some "22 year old hottie" is picking him up to take him downtown. No word if it is Ashley Olson.
-Beer #1 arrives in my mouth at about 10:30 on the roof of LoDos. Smoooooooooooooooooth.
-Beer #2 follows soon after.
-Twisted Sister comes on over the loud speaker. I knew I should've worn pink eyeliner and my shoulder pads.
-Mummy suggests we start chanting "titties, titties!" in an effort to see a flashing war.
-A girl from Shotgun Willies gives us about 10 free passes.
-Three time Slushy Gutter Winner JL Smooth and Mummy argue on the age of one female patron. JL says nearly 50, while Mummy says late 20s. Beer goggle math sets in.
-Shots arrive. The Commish never does shots. Today he does. The word is "ugly."
-Mummy comments on a girl who is "chewing her gum like a horse." After some reflection he counters himself with "I don't think horses chew gum." That's deep.
-JL Smooth points out a burly man wearing a 1993 era Hobie cat tank top, Dolphin shorts and hiking boots. Colorado Rockies baseball: the great unifier.
-Slick Rip arrives, he is wearing an Arizona hat. We are not impressed.
-Another debate, this time on the color of another female patron's eyes. Juck and Mummy say a blue, I say yellow. Yes, yellow eyes.
-We are in the bar area and spot Broz. My man Clarence Cricket has arrived too. The gang's all here, maybe we can try to drink 5000 beers or some stupid shit.
-We are walking towards Coors Field. We actually debate where the actual "slushy gutter" incident took place some 10 years ago. We cannot reach a consensus.
-I secure my first be
er at the game, bastards have raised the prices a quarter. That could translate into thousands of dollars lost for the SG Crew.-3-0 D-Backs in the first. Mark Redman is a douchebag.
-I try to go into the restroom using the exit door. I am stopped by a bearded man and some other guy; we wrestle. They have appointed themselves the guardians of the restroom exit. I am mocked by the masses.
-The D-Backs are kicking our ass all over. We have one hit. If the beers we have drank counted for runs, we would be killing them.
-I'd rather have Redman pitching.
-Todd Helton smacks a late solo homer. Too bad it wasn't one of those 'Rock and Jock' 20-point home runs.
-I hail a cab, strangely the cab looks exactly like Mrs. Commish's ride and the driver looks exactly like Mrs. Commish.
-The Rockies record stands at 1-3. 158 games remain, that's alot of quarters. Eric Byrnes is still a douchebag.
Labels: Former Slushy Gutter Winner, Gameday Breakdown, Rockies
posted by @slushygutter at 9:42 AM
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