Saturday, April 11, 2009

Opening Day 09

Rhymes get twisted, brain cells dissolve
As the world revolves, wack crews lick my balls...


-Three time Slushy Gutter winner T-Dub is warned by his wife to not ask anyone to "show me your tits" this year. I correct her that he never actually asked to see tits, he simply chanted "tits." She does not appreciate the clarification.

-Clarence Cricket cannot make the game, opening a spot for three time Slushy Gutter winner JL Smooth. Unfortunately, he is in a training class for work. He raises his hand and gets a bathroom pass from Mr Kotter and totally ditches out.

-First pitch is four hours off but TDub drives through LoDo like he's Jeff Gordon. Hey, there's beer to be drank.

-The word "chonska" is uttered.

-Juck decides to take a leak in the parking garage; preemptive strike.

-LoDo has morphed into a weird hybrid of Mardi Gras, a swap meet and a fashion show. People are giving out more free shit than Matthew Lesko.

-We enter the first bar, there is a mother enjoying the day with her two kids. Baseball: the great generational outing. She pounds a beer while the tykes have sippy cups. Alcohol: Mom's way of coping.

-10:41am- beer #1. Trav texts and asks why we were starting so late.

-Iron Maiden plays on the overhead. Damn, I shouldve worn my jean jacket.

-Our buddy Keith shows up and he is "pumped", he is so excited I think he may crap his pants.

-There's a guy in a old truck collecting pallets. This strikes me as odd to do in LoDo on Opening Day, maybe he will hand out the pallets with free Lays Potato Chips.

-There are about 100 Red Bull girls outside the bar. They are either aggressively marketing or planning on taking over the block with military force.

-In the bar there are scores of very attractive girls, beers flowing, baseball on TV. But what catches my attention? A little kid has the same toy with him that my daughter has. What can I say, that's where I am in life these days. Somewhere the 24 year old Commish wants to kick my ass.

-Former Donk kicker David Treadwell is there, although I think it is former Nugget Mark Randall (Treadwell= 6ft 3in, Randall= 7ft) Keith remarks he wants to "kick him in the nuts for those misses versus the Raiders.)

-You are at Opening Day: baseball, outdoors, beer, friends, cheering. You are not clubbing in a swanky martini bar. If you are wearing a fancy shirt, slacks, and sleek shoes, you are a douchebag.

-We are on the move to another bar, but that term is used loosely as the only beer they have is Corona. T-Dub remarks it tastes like "a sweat sock."

-At the bar is a large business group, complete with name tags. There are a couple of unused name tags, so me and JL decide that we will wear them. JL is now Van Kordell and the Commish is now Sean Novac of some random banking outfit. We wear them all day.

-Cole Hammels sounds like an 80s movie bad guy. Isn't he they guy who kicked Ducky's ass in Pretty In Pink?

-Dexter Fowler is called out for running out of the baseline, prompting Tangerine to get a bit heated on the umpires. It gives us a chance to get more beers.

-The Rox jump all over Hammels early. The home team is going Daniel-son on his Cobra Kai ass!

-Keith has gone missing. We scan the dugout and see him telling Ryan Howard how "pumped" he is to be there. Howard, who continues to hit into DPs, is not amused.

-Fly ball! Heading toward me...coming closer...right there...ouch! Fly balls are hard on the bare hand. Luckily, my beer is safely under my seat.

-Game over, and the Rox have an impressive win. More beers ensue. Douchebag factor in LoDo is also increasing. Drunk fan factor in LoDo is very high (present company included.)

-Over the years Ive given TDub scores of new, trendy, cutting edge, contemporary Hip Hop. I extolled the quality of scores of Golden Age releases from the Alkaholiks to Fat Joe's first CD to lesser Wu releases. Yet what are we listening to on the way home? Tone Loc
Loc'd After Dark.

-I'm pretty hungry so we stop at not Taco Bell or order a pizza, maybe a burger. No, we stop at a conveinence store and I buy a fruit punch Gatorade, a spicky Slim Jim, and a bag of honey peanuts. Nutrition right there son.

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Anonymous Spotwood said...

I knew when I first saw you heading towards the bathroom with that weird, hybrid "I'm either really drunk or have to take a crap' grin on your face that you guys had started that day waaaaaaaaay early.

We left early simply because the LoDo douchebag factor started real early on in my day, and I'm too old for that shit.

9:30 PM  
Anonymous skyler ulbrecht said...

Marquis off the scrap pile with a nice W. Didnt make it down this year...but took off early and enjoyed a cold one.

9:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Locd After Dark isnt half bad if ya toss out Funky Cold Medina and Wild Thang.

Tone Loc was on a posse cut mid90s and he was the top dude on it. Cant remember what song/group. Maybe one of the rapper experts can key me in.

8:39 AM  
Blogger Travis said...

You guys did get kinda of a late start....

I remember being shit faced one year by 11am. Of course I missed the game completely, but that's not the issue

10:57 PM  
Anonymous mile fly said...

fucking drunks. seriously? involve any activity without alcohol. lushes.

11:47 AM  
Blogger Juck said...

Van had a hell of a time.

4:31 AM  
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