Istanbullish

I'm hyper than Pinnochio's nose...

The Nuggets will introduce Masai Ujiri as their GM today (the buzz around Denver is incredible; that is all everyone was talking about at the water cooler) but more troubles may be developing half a world away in Turkey.

Chauncey Billups is playing well for Team USA at the World Championships, perhaps the team's second best player after uber-stud Kevin Durant. While a young player like Rudy Gay or Derrick Rose gains valuable experience in these tournaments, an aging point guard taxing his body isn't welcome news for the Powder Blue.

Chauncey is getting to the rack, but the rugged international style isn't helping him either. When Team USA seems tenative to drive, Denver's 33 year old guard takes it in the paint straight at the unwashed Euro/South American masses. (Not to get too stereotypical, but do hazmat guys hose down Team USA after banging bodies with these dudes for 40 minutes?)

It may look cool for Denver's hometown hero shining on the international stage, but it might not be so great when a gassed Billups is struggling to keep up with Deron Williams or Chris Paul, who are chilling this summer and apparently making outlandish toasts at weddings (When Paul was talking up his own "Super Team" were the Kroenkes mumbling about that nice Williams and Sonoma gift card they got Melo and LaLa?)

The next two games (Tunisia and Iran) should provide Coach K to give ample rest to his veteran point guard and team leader before the knockout round. And one can bet George Karl is hoping the tourney doesn't knockout his team's best player.

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Rakim Live

Michael Jordan as a Wizard, Wayne Gretzky in Ranger gear, Franco Harris a Seahawk, Manny Ramirez in his current Dodger gear. All legends who looked downright silly as they hung on too long in the game.

The greatest to ever touch a microphone, Rakim, is not among that list. He proved that last night to a near-packed Fox Theater of under-21s who weren't even a glimmer in their parent's eyes when Paid In Full was released in 1987 and a hearty collection of bald heads and gray beards pushing 40 who rocked Ra and fly sweat suits in high school.

Billed as Paid In Full in its entirety, the show wasn't simply "I Aint No Joke" all the way to the tenth track "Extened Beat." Rakim effectively moved the crowd from start to finish by incorporating most of his classic debut sprinkled with the hits from his string of post-Paid releases.

Jumping right in the fray was Technichian The DJ, who opened with the standard assortment of late 80s to mid 90s classics that got the crowd amped as Ra strolled onto the stage and simply said "let's take it back to the beginning" as "Eric B Is President" dropped and sent the Fox into head nod unison. Quickly he launched into "Move The Crowd" and the still-magical "My Melody" although the latter was cut short before the crowd could join in the classic "Seven MCs" bar.

The set list didn't flow non-stop like many shows, as Ra spoke to the crowd in between songs, surprisingly showing he is more of a regular dude rather than the quiet, calculated persona he's crafted over the years. He clowned for cell phone picts, showed off a crowd member's Rockies' hat, and even tried to fix the DJ's mic stand. He spoke to the ladies and the "fellas getting themselves right" before the familar bass of "Mahogony" bellowed.

Joints from his latest album The Seventh Seal ("Holy Are Thou" and "How To MC") were welcome to the diehards, but somewhat put a damper on the crowd buzz through the set. Rakim made up for it as he blazed through "Microphone Fiend" (injecting the mic into his forearm during the chorus), "Know The Ledge" and "I Know You Got Soul.

Rakim told the crowd he'd "be doing this shit at fifty something" near the show's close. Judging by what he brings to the game, he'll still be doing it at a Hall Of Fame level.

Writing My Name In Grafitti On The Wall

I can give a damn about an ill subliminal...

The "wrting is on the wall" is an overused expression, so frequent in the blogosphere and in the papers. However, up in Boulder the proverbial writing on the wall is in day glo orange, illuminated with 500 watt bulbs, showcased by Bob Barker's old bevy of beauties, with MC Hammer's old hype man 2 Big MC giving it props.

(Seriously, has there ever been a more ridiculous dude in Hip Hop besides that dude? If MC Hammer was taking a shit, I'd like to see him hollering outside the john about how dope Hammer's crapping is: "Yo Hammer, you killing the toilet, get hyped! The poop is running iiiiiiiiit! Haaaaaaamer take a craaaaaap!")

The message: Dan, you better get it right, this year, or else.

Another indication came yesterday when AD Mike Bohn inked a deal to play in Columbus versus the Buckeyes for $1.4 million. Ohio State typically pays about half of that; but the Buffs won't require the Tressel Sweaters to return to Boulder or make another trip to Ohio. As Wyclef once said "one time!" - as in one visit to the Shoe, collect the scrilla and get the fuck outta there.

Just another $1.4 mill in Mike's pockets to pay off ol' Danny Boy if he manages to do what he has done thus far in Boulder in 2010: lose.

Who knows what is next for Bohn to collect more buyout money if the Buffs falter on the field? Hell, we might see him donating blood or pillaging the University dumpsters for cans. Whatever he decides to raise cash, the message is pretty damn clear, win some damn games, or you might see the Buffs sign to play the San Francisco 49ers just to get Dan's behind out of Boulder.

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Captain Obvious Says Hansen Starts

Drove through the window, the industry super sized me
Now the girls see me and a river's what they cry me...

Dan Hawkins and the rest of his merry men finally confirmed the worst kept secret in Boulder since you told your moms you study at the library every Friday. Tyler Hansen will be the starter when CU opens versus the goats on September 4. Somewhere, little kids are chanting "no duhhhhhhhhh!"

Many Buff fans thought the announcement should've been made in Spring, as August camp opened, or even sooner. Everyone knew Hansen would be the starter over Cody Hawkins; the team, most fans, even that skanky chick that gave you the drip when you were "studying."

Apparently the only person who didn't know was Hawkins the Elder himself. Don't buy into the theories that Old Hawk wanted to a) give a big F U to the program as he went out b) wanted to showcase Cody for the pros or c) lost some sadistic nepotistic bet to his wife.

Whatever Old Hawk's reason was it did foster competition between Hansen and Lil Hawk (my peeps tell me Cody looked sharp in a few instances this camp) and prepared Mini Hawk to replace Hansen in case of injury in the rugged final year of the Big 12. Hansen loads up at the helm with perhaps the best WR depth I've seen at CU maybe ever, at least on paper. The one thing Daddy Hawk HAS to resist is pulling Hansen if he throws one incompletion, takes a sack, or even breaks wind in the huddle.

(NOTE: My buddy Jeremy was on the 8th grade varsity hoops team and shot a wadded piece of paper at a trash can in Algebra class. The 9th grade dipshits saw his attempt and scoffed "I thought you played basketball!" To which he replied smuggly "yeah, not with paper." Thus the rest of the year Jeremy wasn't referred to as 'Jeremy' but 'the guy who doesn't play basketball with paper.')

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Bar Bathroom Art #1

FOUND BY: Commish CH
WHERE: Downtown Idaho Springs, CO public restroom

Add your captions / analysis in the comments section.

Melo Exit Plan

I make big money, I drive big cars
Everybody know me, it's like I'm a movie star...

There are so many levels of blame with Carmelo Anthony ready to leave the Nuggets that we need an elevator to navigate them all. The player, the agent, Team USA teammates, the wife, the current teammates, on down to the dude who cleans the locker rooms.

The folks down at Chopper Circle need only one floor to lay blame, and that rests squarely with team management.

But wait, isn't that the eternal oxymoron? Military intelligence. Nebraska scholars. Nuggets management. For months, maybe more than a year, no one really knows who is in charge of the Powder Blue Patrol (maybe it is the dude who cleans the locker rooms?) Think Melo sees a championship with a team where there's different voices telling him how great the Nuggets are? One week former player Rex Chapman is thrusting a extension to him and a week later the owner's son is the one making the call.

While the Knicks might not be the model of a stabile front office given their weird attachment to Isiah Thomas, they still have strong and well respected Donnie Walsh as GM and a vocal owner in James Dolan (and Spike Lee rocking a Melo jersey at the USA-France game on Sunday. Think Melo and his people don't notice that?) where the Nuggets owner hasn't said a public word since the waning days of the Clinton administration.

A strong front office would've started preparing for this years ago. Hmm, Melo is with a Brooklyn girl. Maybe we should do everything we can to take care of her, make her feel at home in Colorado. Hmm, we just got to the Western Conference Finals, arguably could've won the damn thing, maybe a five year extension while the vibe is hot is in order. How about the little things: a newspaper ad congratulating Melo after his gold medal, picking Melo's brain on assistants to bring in, finding some middle ground with Melo's homeboy JR Smith.

Key word there is strong front office. The Nuggets front office couldn't bench press the bar right now.

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The Cool KIds - "Gold Links"

Brand spanking new video for "Gold Links" off the Gone Fishing mixtape. (Wish I could holler "exclusive!" over and over and talk over the track like all these DJs, but just enjoy.) Cool Kids bring some of the most original and freshest music and visuals, yet still bring an old school vibe to the game. Check it.

Huggy Jr Will Save The Donks

Yo, I conversate with many men, it's time to begin again
Forgot what I already knew, ay yo you hear me friend?

One way I typically gauge how good an NFL team is going to be is by the number of Fantasy Football studs they have populating their offense. Your NFL squad has dudes who litter the starting lineup of the teams in your league usually bodes well. In that case, the Donks aren't looking that good. In fact, they are at the exact ass-end of the spectrum, a team littered with waiver wire goons and the new picture of that is Justin Fargas.

As I've gone over before, my band of nerds/derelicts/alcoholics fantasy football league is a plump 16 teams. If you are an NFL player and not on one of our rosters, chances are you are not headed to the Pro Bowl any time soon. Fargas is one of the few players that is on our Waiver Wire every year. Not every once in a while, but every year. He's the dude that is picked up and started in emergency situations by half the damn league. Then, back to the Wire he goes.

So no fear Donk fans. Fargas is here to salvage your season. (NOTE: Fargas is a player that the same dude always makes some Huggy Bear joke at the draft every year. Not every once in a while, but every year.)

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Monk Funk

--It's not rookie hazing, it's the number of losses the Broncos will have during the Tim Tebow Era.

--What's wrong with the haircut? Tebow is Denver's Angel, and this is the team's way of giving him his own halo.

--Tebow's head has grown in an attempt to be closer to the coaches raised podium, so he can soak in more info and lead Denver to another Super Bowl.

--Tebow heard that Bowzer the dog in Lafayette had his hind leg shorn for some minor surgery and that he was a little down in the dumps about the missing hair. Bowzer perked up enough to enjoy a Beggin Strip!

--Father Clark at the local monastery had his copy of the latest Justin Bieber album taken from him, so Tebow shaved his head in solidarity.

--Tebow let his new bald spot get a sunburn, then had scientists collect the peeling dead skin. The chunks will be given to farmers in drought stricken climates to reinvigorate their crops.

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Ubaldo's Only 17

I'm not a law obeyer, so you can tell your mayor
I'ma non-stop, rhythm rock, poetry sayer...

Props to Ubaldo Jiminez for equaling the Rox single season record for wins with his 6-1 gem over the Giants yesterday. I had Ubaldo on the radio after the game, being his usual modest self. The one quote that stood out was he was "honored to be on the list with those other names (who also have 17 wins in a season.)"

Ubaldo, have you seen the other names? Not exactly Seaver, Maddux, or Gibson.

Jeff Francis is on the list from 2007's pennant winning season. Francis was the definitive ace that year and was lights out in the last two months. But are we ready to etch him on the plate for Rockies' all-timers?

Pedro Astacio is on the list. Not Pedro Martinez, but Pedro Astacio circa 1999. Dude had 129 wins and a slew of strikeouts in a average MLB career. He also had some legal woes in harassing his wife while in Colorado. A quick Google search reveals he was cut in 2007 by the AAA Columbus Clippers and he has applied for Pakistani citizenship so he can play Jai Lai for them. Seriously, I make up a lot of shit, but that's what it said.

Finally the last member of the esteemed list is Kevin Ritz. In 1996 (when Coors Field was at its pinnacle of pinball baseball- even Ritz had a honer that year) he was 17-11 with a plus 5 ERA. He went away after the 1998 season after a couple appearances. Now he works karoke under the name "Puttin On The Ritz" at the O'Hare Airport Hilton. OK, I made that part up...but Pakastani Jai Lai? Really?

Ubaldo- seriously. Fuck the list. Be better than the list.

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Leaderless Nuggets

Now I'm the man with intellect, no one to disrespect
I kick a rhyme and make MC's wanna hit the deck...

Good Ship Nugget is now without its captain. Scratch that, SS Powder Blue is now without both of its captains. How appropriate since the franchise has been rudderless since the Lakers bounced them out of the Western Finals a year and half ago.

Both Mark Warkentein and Rex Chapman (in retrospect, what NBA team that fancies itself a contender has not one, but two decision-makers who don't talk to eachother? As Allen Iverson once said "I mean, how silly is that man?") will be cleaning their offices over the next few days. Hope Warkentein has some bubble tape to protect that NBA Executive of the Year plaque he got a couple seasons back

(In retrospect part II, Warkentein got way too much shine for trading an end-of-his-rope AI for Chauncey Billups, who also was fast approaching the "crafty veteran" status. Remember it was Warkentein who two and half years earlier traded for Iverson, which looked great on paper, but pretty much prevented the Nuggets from being an actual team for Iverson's entire stay.)

Now what are the folks at Chopper Circle left with? For one, Wark's main homeboy JR Smith should be stocking up on the change of address cards. Two, Melo's people should amp up the people from "Selling New York" to find him and LaLa that palatial pad in Midtown. And three, all current Nug personnel should start kissing the ring of Josh Kroenke, who will be thrust into more decision making (and eventually owning the team when his Pops becomes Sam Bradford's ball boy) and daily ops.

People seem to forget Josh Kroenke's most notable accomplishment in the hoops realm. Remember? He was the 22-year old college kid who brought Iowa State coach Larry Eustachy to the college party that got Eustachy fired in 2003. While swilling Natty Lights might get him cred on the SG, it certainly won't buy him any with savvy GMs and free agents.

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Did You Know?

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you...

In celebration of Colorado Day (August 1st), some little known facts about how the Centennial State came to be some 134 years ago:

--Ulysses S Grant proclaimed Colorado the 38th state in the Union. He wanted to name it the 15th state in honor of Tim Tebow, but Kentucky got all whiny and shit.

--Tebow made the shape of Colorado a near perfect square so all the other states wouldn't be jealous. After all, it's hard to be mad at a square. That's Tim, always keeping the peace.

--Tebow also thought the square shape would be perfect for future Bronco coaches to diagram plays for him to score winning TDs in the Super Bowl.

--Little known fact: the "S" in Ulysses S Grant was actually a gift from Tim Tebow, who said it was because he was "Special"

--The gold used to craft the State Capitol building was extracted from Tebow's fillings, as to not upset the nearby mining communities. However, the gold in those areas was placed there when locks of Tebow's hair were planted there.

--The cold felt in Leadville, Gunnison, and Fraser was described as "Tim Tebow getnly blowing his breath of life upon us" by early settlers.

--Tim sought to appease the Native American population from warring with early residents by buying each one a Chevy Cavalier.

--Every third lake in Colorado was emptied and filled with delicious ice cold Mr Pibb by order of Tim Tebow, who thought settlers needed a change from water.

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