Ethier Ether

Raise up, cause you can't have it back
You said "I ain't never got gaffled like that"...

Throughout their first nine games of the year, the Dodgers simply crushed the meager Rockies. The local nine looked like a little league team versus Manny and the mighty blue. Then suddenly the Rox remembered they were a National League baseball franchise and on grit, gut, clutch hitting, and stellar pitching got them selves back into this thing.

Cue the proverbial "huge series" opener versus those same Dodgers. Cue the same result: a 4-2 13 inning loss...ugh. Albeit this one was there for them, and it could serve as a game that gets in the head of the Purp; the "man, what do we have to do to beat these guys" type game.

A good start would be to hose down Andre Ethier, who ended the 13 inning affair and looks poised to take the Dodgers' top dog role after a torrid weekend.

The Rox stumbled all night: balks, sketchy baserunning, three Ks in a row with a runner on third. They wasted a great performance by the Great Ubaldo, who pitched som damn fast that I was able to catch most of the weirdness that is A&E's "Obsessed" in between innings.

The Dodgers and their veteran manager Joe Torre were able to finally capitalize, in the process burning some valuable Colorado bullpen innings, taxing the bench, and further getting into their domes.

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Fit to be Ty-ed

You can be next in line and signed and still be writing rhymes and broke
You would rather have a Lexus? Or justice?
A dream? Or some substance?

Much like the past Nuggets' season, the team's forray into the NBA Draft went surprisingly well. They entered the draft with a mere 2nd round pick yet emerged with UNC point guard Ty Lawson after a swap with the T'Wolves at 17 in the first round.

The Nuggets brain trust reacted quickly to what they and a chorus of media-types and idiot bloggers deemed a top need for next year: a younger, offensive minded back up point guard.

In the weird world of the NBA, the Nugs sent their division mates a "future first round pick" for the ACC Player of the Year. Perhaps Minnesota will be using that pick next year, maybe in 2025...it's the future, man, they might have transporter beams to set back door picks by then!

George Karl's Carolina Blue handprints were all over this one, as the Carolina connections that permeate the Hoops world is becoming something of a strange Skull & Bones' type brotherhood.

Meanwhile, they should back up the U-Haul to Lawson's Chapel Hill apartment, load up all the requsite college gear (especially those sandwhich makers; put some cherry pie filling in that bitch and damn skippy that ish is good) and get on the road to The Box State.

Do not stop at the Pepsi Center, do not go loft shopping for him, do not drop him off at a local gym. Proceed directly to Chauncey Billups' house. There Lawson can learn from Chauncey everything from breaking an NBA press to how to fold the towels in the guest bathroom. There's a damn good chance Lawson will be the backup point guard come Opening Night and be pressed into 20 minutes a game.

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Maybe Hip Hop Is Freaking Dead

Thick and I lasted past these rat bastards
They try to box me in like Cassius Clay
Hey I'm like Muhammad when he fasted...

The Jonas Brothers don't get any play here on the SG. The reason is pretty simple: here at the Slushy Gutter we adhere to three pillars. One, beer; the Jonas Brothers dont drink. Two, Colorado Sports; I've never seen the Jonas Brothers rocking a Steve Atwater throwback or talking the Avs' draft needs. Three, Hip Hop. The Jonas Brothers have no dap in the arena...until now.

The trio have enlisted Common for a track. Yes, Common, formerly Common Sense. More than a decade and a half in the game. "Soul By The Pound". He completely murdered Ice Cube on "The Bitch In Yoo." SG year end honors. One of the few cats who will actually go off the dome when asked to freestyle. "I Used To Love H.E.R." Politically and socially conscious. Producers flock to work with him- J Dilla, DJ Premier, No ID.

Collabos with Q-Tip, Lauryn Hill, Black Thought, Kanye West, Cee-Lo, Will.i.am, The Beatnuts, De La Soul, Pharoah Monch, The Game, Brand Nubian, and now...

The Jonas Brothers.

(No link/download here, but trust me, it's out there...dammit Google that shit if you think I'm drunk again.)

Yes, Rakim once spit a verse for Jodi Watley, KRS once chanted on a REM song, Busta Rhymes and Ozzy Osbourne once tried to ruin music, Treach and Biggie rocked out with the King of Pop, UTFO and PE worked horribly with Anthrax, and Lord knows what the fuck Puffy was doing with Jimmy Page.

But all of those non-rock acts had garnered some attention from critics, people in the know, or people over 16. ***

Maybe Common got paid. Maybe the Jonas Brothers had some compromising picts of him that they were going to show to Serena Williams. Maybe they were the only people to see Smokin Aces. But, damn, Common...really?

I'm willing to give him a pass this one time. If that song ever pierces my ears again I might just forget about Resurrection completely. If I see him perform that joint on Oprah or SNL his verse from this summer's hot "Make Her Say" will be erased from my mind. And if I see him pop up on a Jonas Brothers lunch box or on a Hannah Montana track...

( ***RELATED: Two equally teen-friendly acts from the 90's, New Kids on the Block once had Nice and Smooth on a track, and Brian Austin Green from 90210 actually released an entire rap album that featured Slim Kid Tre from the Pharcyde.)

Toodles to Tucscon

Dirty words paralyze crumbs and infect shit
Infectious
Insofar as the ineffectual beg for the lectures
Development arrested...

The red hot Rockies will be leaving their Spring Training home since 1993, Tucson, Arizona and moving to greener (browner?) pastures. A look at the other locales they considered to have their exhibition season at:

-Vail- What better way to celebrate the Rockies by having Spring Training in the Rocky Mountains. Skiing, snowshoes on the way around the bases, snow bunnies for Ryan Spillboroughs, and curve balls that don't break worth a shit.

-Pepsi Center- Stan Kroneke is determined to buy every team in town, but since MLB rules prohibit him from owning the Rox (not because of his weak mustache) he invited the team to practice on The Can roof. Cue AI "practice" soundbite now.

-The Moon- Landscape most closely resembled Tucson.

-Las Vegas- Hardcore Purp fans will remember that Sin City made a play to land the Rockies and three other teams about a decade back. Ultimately, they decided to stay in Tucson. Probably a good decision as Todd Helton might've gotten too plump on $2.99 shrimp, Tulo would've married an Elvis impersonator, and Aaron Cook would just be too consumed with Cher.
-Phoenix- The desert outpost won the favor of the Rockies. Makes sense being within 20 minutes of the entire Cactus League, rather than three hours on a bus back and forth. The Rockies wouldn't bring their best players to the Phoenix area, and vice versa. One could argue the limited work hindered the Rox in the early season throughout the years. Plus, no more playing the White Sox in nearly half of your games. Hey, Shaq's a free agent, maybe he wants to make the Jordan-like jump to the Rockies?

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Cuban Strikes Back

Kicking flavor, with my life saver techniques
Guaranteed to move feets and I go on for weeks

Not able to beat the Nugs on the floor, in the press, or among the families of the players, Mark Cuban/Donnie Nelson struck back at the good citizens of Colorado. He bought the local minor league basketball team and will move them to the Dallas burbs.

Colorado is weeping.

While the Colorado 14ers were quite compeitive on the floor, bringing home this year's D-League championship, their attendance and interest was below the level of David Copperfield's Twitter account.

As a fan who lived within five minutes of their arena, loves basketball, and follows the Nugget's charges assigned to the team (Sonny Weems) I went to exactly two 14ers games in three years. Both times the tickets were free. One time was when Tony Romo fumbled the extra point in the playoffs and I spent the entire game watching that.

Lasting impression of the festivities? No defense is played; hell, they let me score from the 4th row. The term minor league applies only to the product; the concession prices are on the same level as the Pepsi Center. To boot, you pay for parking. Paying for parking for a arena situated in acres of acres of what was farm land just five years ago. There's no quait minor league promotions. No beer quarter, no $1 hot dogs, no milk the goat contest, no lap dances with the cheer squad.

Their involvement in the community was limited to giving the local watering holes some 14er schwag and the head coach beating me in the local community 5K race

Now word comes their hockey co-occupants in the building will suspend operations for one year. Rage. No, that doesn't make me angry, that was their name, The Rage.

Good luck with your new play toy, Cuban. As much as we might have hated on your act during this year's playoffs, you and your organization can actually do pretty well running the minor league franchise. Will you rename it the Texas 14ers? What is a 14er in Texas? Most common size of a snakeskin boot? Start booking those always fresh lasso displays and $1 Lone Star beer nights.

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Curses to them damn Donk Fans!

Raise up, cause you can't have it back
You said - "I ain't never got gaffled like that"

Meanwhile in the secret lair at Dove Valley...

JOSH MCDANIELS: Yes, Boss, we are chipping away at the very core of Broncomania!

PAT BOWLEN: Ha ha ha, my young minion, we are indeed, we are indeed. Silly low brow fools!

JMCD: The local basketball team captured their attention, then the team up in that pesky LoDo goes all streaky...

PAT: ...and what do we do? Try to get some positive news to feed the almost undying love for our team?

JMCD: Have more drama with our best player!

PAT: Ha ha ha ha! Bring me a fluffy cat to stroke! No cat? How about that Lombardi Trophy!

JMCD: First we trade our best offensive player after a stalemate that made Kindergartners look like adults...

PAT: ... now we wil unload our next best offensive player.

JMCD: And yet they eat it up! Super Bowls begone!

PAT: Don't forget your evil non-sensical Draft plan! Drafting players all helter skelter. Like there is no plan or direction!

JMCD: Uh, Vic Lombardi: news flash! There wasn't!

PAT: Ha ha ha ha ha! Maybe I should tear down the Ring of Fame! Call Haven Moses a pansy? Change the team color to black? Replace that silly white horse with a purple frog?

JMCD: No master, I have a better idea. Let's cut our best defensive player.

PAT: Who, that Roland fellow? I don't know my evil underling. He is pretty good and he keeps his nose clean. Perhaps we should just make him angry.

JMCD: Cut his brother!

PAT: Brilliant my pretty, brilliant!

JMCD: I must leave now master, I'm assigning the number seven jersey to Chris Simms!

PAT: Make it so, make it so.

Fear of the X Hat

Fresh dressed like a million bucks
Threw on the Bally shoes and the fly green socks...

1991's version of Commish CH thinks that Phil Jackson's 'X' hat is so fresh. He wants to know where his black puffy LA Raiders jacket that goes along with it is? Or perhaps the black, red, and green beads? Cross Colours shirt? Tie top hat? Karl Kani?

(And yes, I did rock an X hat back in 9-1. Deal with it. Read the book too. Mixed up cold water and nutmeg to try to catch a buzz too from the book.)

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Onward Orton

Lets trace the hints and check the file
Lets see who bit to detect the style
I flip the script so they can't get foul
At least not now, it'll take a while...

The Kyle Orton Era in Donkland has begun. Rev up the fire trucks for the victory parade down 17th street! Bar owners and club owners in denver and beyond are also thrilled. Camera phones are ready.

Little do many Donk fans know that Orton's path nearly came through Colorado nearly a decade ago. Orton committed to the University of Colorado for their 2001 signing class, but after a whirlwind few internet-frenzied days, he reneged his committment and ultimatley chose Purdue and Joe Tiller's high powered attack.

How could've the path of two teams, both the Buffs and Broncos been changed had Orton stuck with his initial promise to Boulder? The Buffs, who won the 2001 Big 12 Championship (ironically in part to Orton's current backup Chris Simms' poor play) might've been forced to sub Orton in that season for the injured starter Craig Ochs. Orton would've undoubtedly started 02-04 for Gary Barnett's Buffs. However, the numbers at Purdue wouldn't have happenned in Boulder with Barnett's penchant for old school on the ground attack.

The reduced exposure might've lead to Orton's draft stock plunging or not even existing. If Orton never had got a shot in Chicago, perhaps the Jay Cutler trade wouldn't have been so appealing to the Bronco brass (getting a four year starter in return for Cutler was key) and perhaps both sides would've been more prone to work it out.

When Orton throws another pick this fall and you are beside yourself, thinking of Cutler, McDaniels, and Pat Bowlen, wondering how did this team get here? Blame Gary Barnett.

Craig G: Skinny Jeans Funeral

I project my voice so it's right in the crowd,
There's a sign at the door: no bitin' allowed...

Another day, more hating on current 2009 Hip Hop trends...

This time it's Hip Hop fashion. Frankly, I could give a crap what a rapper wears. He could rock a rainbow afro wig and a dracula cape, as long as he can flow, who cares? Hell, Andre 3000 looks like a cross between The Road Warrior and Strawberry Shortcake and he's probably a Top Five MC. Ol Dirty Bastard would prance around in a gully-ass pair of boxers and he would turn it out. Even icon Chuck D rocked his trademarked "black Wranglers" that looked more like a pair of a seven year old's Toughskins.

Enter the newest track by Craig G, "Skinny Jeans Funeral" which puts the current trend of the tight fighting denim on blast. Granted, Craig hasn't been too relevant in the game since he was rocking the wild west look in "The Symphony" but he widely regarded in the underground as one of the finest freestyle/battle rappers. Peep his battles versus Supernatural: you must learn.

"Skinny Jeans Funeral" compares the namesake to "scuba gear" and puts the cats rocking it on full blast. Now if we can get tracks about the big thick white belts alot of dudes wear with them, the term "swag", and Ed Hardy shirts, we are onto an official Hip Hop trend. Then the cycle will eventually come full circle and there'll be tracks on how hating on shit is wack.

Jay-Z Anti-Autotune Manifesto

It ain't no pop cause that sucks

And you can New Jack Swiiiiiiing on my nuts...

One of the greatest aspects of Hip Hop is that artists will just drop a single from time to time straight out of the blue. No album to promote, no mixtape, no BS. That happenned this past weekend with Jay-Z and his newest joint "D.O.A. (Death of Autotune)"

What has already been said by countless MCs (Bishop Lamont, KRS-One and Buckshot) is finally being put down by one of the biggest commercial rappers in the game, which unlike his more underground counterparts, has already garnered much attention.

Rightfully so, as he goes hard at the nauseating slew of autotuned songs polluting the Hip Hop realm. "You ni**as singin' too much, get back to rap you T-Pain’n too much." Music to true Hip Hoppers' ears.

The beat (No ID and ironically Kanye West) offers a concotion of 90s boom bap and the live band sound with guitar licks and horn bumps. He ain't striving for a top 40 hit here, he's looking to put these lame suckas on blast.

Already some of the autotune "rappers" already got their feelings hurt, calling Jay "old" and the like, and vowing retribution*. Ooooooh, the big bad autotune dudes are gonna get me! Somehow, the guy who weathered "Ether" probably isn't too afraid of cats semi-singing some ish about him. No word if Peter Frampton or Cher will join the fray.

*RELATED- old timers may remember a beef reminiscent of this years back when A Tribe Called Quest dissed New Jack Swing on "Jazz (We Got)" and Wreckx N Effect got all bent out of shape.)

Kno - "Caucasian"

Much like the Frank TV commercials during the Rockies' 07 run, we all tired of the NBA/Kanye West "Amazing" commercials during this years' Nugs run. Until now. Kno of Cunninglynguists drops this gem. Who you got? Blair Rasmussen? Joe Wolf? Hanzlik?

Avs Nab Their Man?

All across the room, on the ceilings and the walls too

Punk muthafuckas didnt know I had the balls to...

Wanted: One General Manager of a National Hockey League franchise-

Expert understanding of the game of hockey not required. Intimate knowledge of hockey players throughout the world, from international leagues, high school teams, junior programs, and minor league teams not necessary. Knowledge of the rules of the game, strategy, and hockey locker room dynamics is minimum.

Preferred candidate should be a graduate of a preppy Colorado high school, where candidate did not play hockey (preferably because it wasn’t offered as a sport.) Candidate should have excelled at baseball in both high school and in a college setting. Some work in accounting for toity firm is an added plus. Retail and accounting work is a must.

Candidate must demonstrate the ability to be puppeteered by upper management and intimidated by peers who have hockey flowing in their blood lines. mUst be able to negotiate a muddied financial situation with players and contracts due to the inability of a pervious GM with similar attributes as successful candidate.

Love of Celine Dion is an absolute requirement.

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LaCroix Says You're Fired

I have a quest to have the mic in my hand
Without that, it's like Kryptonite and Superman...

People that Pierre LaCroix wanted to fire yesterday but for one reason or another couldn't pull the trigger:

-Renaldo Balkman- I know those long hairs in the fruit and jello salad from the Pepsi Center cafeteria are from him!

-Peter Budaj- I never liked that damn dangling 'J' at the end of your name. That and your average goaltending just rubs me the wrong way.

-Stan Kroenke- He likes soccer, now he is all into his precious basketball team. How about a corner kick in the balls, Stan? Oh wait, he signs my checks, damn!

-Joe Sakic- Improper snow blower saftey and use really chaps my hide!

-Peter Forsberg- Globetrotting around the world, banging hot chicks, playing hockey whenever he feels like it. I hate people without spleens!

-Pepsi Center Concessions- A glass of red wine for $9? That is a glass? Where I come from that is called a Dixie Cup.

-Ben Guite- You lead the team in plus/minus at two. Two?! And your name is Ben Guite? Is that the French Ben-Gay?

-Jim Tracy- Ah hell, just fire every lackey that comes through that crap organization over on 20th and Blake.

-Commish CH- Two weeks in and no beer count? You freaking deadbeat.

What Now?

Lyrically, I'm worshipped, don't front the word sick
You cursed it, but rehearsed it
I drop unexpectedly like bird shit...

Are your tears of Powder Blue drying? Is the mousse from your Bridman gel-fro slowly sagging? Do your KMart menacing stares losing their luster with your coworkers? Nuggets withdrawl slowly creeping into your life? But wait! The NBA will be back sooner than you think as will the local team, and what can expect to see this summer and when 2009-10 tips off?

-Rested Melo. Carmelo Anthony has played hoops three of the last summers and four of the last five between the Olympics, Worlds, and Tournament of the Americas. This summer he has the Tournament of the Couch. Melo is still filling out his body it appears and a solid summer of workouts without that peksy distraction of actually playing hoops and globetrotting all over the world will be of benefit.

-Your AC is out. With Chauncey Billups pencilled in as the starting point guard/messiah for the next couple years, the Nuggets best look for a capable backup to push the pace. Anthony Carter is a solid player, but offers a slowdown and more defensive pace than Chauncey. In order to complement a high energy second unit, you need a young, athletic, running backup. One name comes to mind as we just saw him with the Lakers: Shannon Brown.

-Who's Shooting JR? JR Smith by all indications will move into the starting lineup next season. His defense and overall play drastically improved over the course of the playoffs, as eveidence by his admirable work on Kobe in the Lakers series. However, JR can't treat the summer as the JR Smith Club Tour. He needs to stay in Denver, sleep on Steve Hess' couch, and get to know the practice gym better than he knows his entourage. Further, the Nuggets should send him to the Vegas Summer League to get actual competition with a focus on defense and taking it to the rim.

-Birdman Bank. The biggest free agent is obviously Chris Anderson, but the Nuggets cannot overpay him as New Orleans did a few years back. Birdman wants to be here, he has a bulit in support group here, has adoring fans, and has the greatest niche in the NBA. Translation: he'll give the Nugs a "hometown" discount to avoid the pratfalls of a possible move.

-Jonesin. With JR ready to step in, there's no room for a defensive player who gives 12-18 minutes like Dahntay Jones. He'll make a great addition to another team. Linas Kleiza appears to be on his way back to Europe or another NBA destination as well. With Rex Chapman's worldy hoops experience, look for the Nuggets to scour the basketball backwaters to find another Dahntay and capable replacement for Linas.

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