Whatcha Ice Grilling me for?

Your reign on the top was short like leprechauns
As I crush so-called willies, thugs, and rapper-dons
Get in that ass, quick fast like Ramadan
It's that rap phenomenon Don-Dadda...

The highlight of the last night’s Rockies/D-Backs game wasn’t the actual gameplay but the benches clearing “glare and yell” at each other stare-down in the 8th inning. After a HR, Jose “The Table” Mesa threw twice inside at Frankenstein lookalike Luis Gonzalez. As he slowly moved up the baseline to take his free base, he mean mugged the Table the entire way. TV cameras caught an incensed Table snapping back at Gonzo, and it didn’t take a professional lip reader to know what Jose barked at him, and it sure wasn’t “vacuum!”

Of course that got both benches and bullpens emptied, where the two convened on the infield in the typical baseball square dance meets West Side Story shouting match that results in nothing. Order was restored and the local nine went on to the 9th inning heroics.

While watching highlights, they showed the bullpens in full sprint to join the fracas. It got me to thinking, why are these chumps running 200 yards to join the festivities when they are already about 10 feet away from the enemy out in right field? Wouldn’t it be easier for them to just open those little doors and meet for their own ice-grill fest out in deep right? The bullpens rushing to join a baseball fight might be the wackest thing in all of professional sports. If Israeli forces and Hezbollah were sitting in two rooms next to each other, and saw a skirmish down the street, they wouldn’t spill out together to run 200 yards, then start fighting each other.

My advice to bullpens: save your energy and stage a second “front” to the baseball fight. At the first sign of a fight, the Rockies bullpen should’ve lobbed urine bombs into the DBacks bullpen. Maybe they could’ve wedged a board in their door so they were stuck inside, then release a bunch of snakes into the bully. They could’ve scaled the wall ala the Mongols and rained blows with those spiffy folding chairs the team provides. How about getting a jump on the DBacks and pick them off one by one with Brian Fuentes' karate chops to their ball sacks as they exit.