Thursday, April 19, 2007

5 Ways to Hammer the Spurs

Yo when you bug out, you usually have a reason for the action
Sometimes you do it just for mere satisfaction
People be houndin, always surroundin
Pulsin, just like a migraine poundin...

The Nuggets start their NBA first round series versus their 2005 opponent, the San Antonio Spurs, later this weekend. Most NBA pundits and experts give the Powder Blue Patrol no chance of winning more than one game much less the entire series. Slushy Gutter Summer disagrees, if perhaps the Nugs utilize some complicated basketball strategy...

1-Buggin Out. Every time the Spurs are whistled for a foul, they get the bug eyed look like they’re Igor from “Young Frankenstein.” Tim Duncan looks he just saw Beyonce’s rack rather than getting whistled for a foul; it’s as prevalent in the playoffs as Marv Albert’s wig. The Nugs need to counter by bringing in their own big eye player. Who better than Reche “Headlights” Caldwell? Who knows if he can play hoops, but damn, have you seen this guy’s saucers? After 48 minutes of this, Reche will make the Spurs whining look like a B movie actor.

2-Bye Bye Bye. Every guy in the world has a grudge against the last guy who poked out his girl. For Tony Parker, former N’Syncer JC Chasez is that dude. As the last guy to taste Eva Longoria’s sweet goodness before Tony Parker’s little French fry swooped in, JC's mere presence will certainly raise his ire. JC can sing the National Anthem, sit on the Nugs bench, sit on Scott Hastings’ lap. He can catch Frisbees at halftime, take half court shots with Rocky, sit at halfcourt with LaLa and Rahchine, anything to get LeTony all snooty and dribbling the ball of his leg.

3-Sick balls. Reggie Evans hasn’t got a lot of minutes this year, but surely you won’t waste his talent for attempting to de-man the opposition. Ask Chris Kaman, who really hasn’t been the same player since Reg tried to milk his scrot last year. Game One, Reg needs to be on the floor and while going for a rebound a key Spur needs to get Evans’ “personal” attention. Worse case scenario, they come out later with protective cups, which in turn chafes their packages, making simple jogging really uncomfortable.

4-Def Comedy Jam. Since Tim Duncan hater Joey Crawford won’t be reffing this series, we have to hope the replacement refs harbor the same distaste for Timmy that he did. That means getting Tim to laugh on the bench and hope Dick Bevetta or Violet Plamer tosses his ass for it, ala Crawford. Something tells me Tim might get a chuckle out of simple puppet shows, pull my finger jokes, and the zany antics of the ‘Home Alone’ movies.

5-Riots. Manu Ginolbli might be so ice cold because American hoops’ fans can’t really hold a candle to his Argentinan countrymen and their raucous soccer crowds. Let’s see how cool Ginolbli is when he gets a flaming flare off the side of his dome. Urine bombs, battery chucking and even family kidnapping are other options. (SG does not recommend the kidnapping, unless it’s for a pizza and video games at Chuck E Cheese.)



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you kidding me???? I don't know about the Nuggets this year, but I would like to add something about the Crawford episode. Stern's a money-grubbing whore for expelling the most recognizable ref in the NBA simply because Crawford stood his ground against one of the biggest bull-shitters this side of the Potomac River. If the refs call the games fairly this year, as Duncan is now pleading, the Spurs will be done early ala Davey Crocket at the Alamo. I can't think of any team other than the Spurs that consistently benefit from more 'blown' calls every playoffs. The Gibobli Flop, Duncan's 'What Me?!?!' expression after every call and Bowen's unwelcome hand-jobs are just a few that come to mind. It's f'ing ridiculous. For the rest of us outside of the rat infested hellhole more commonly known as San Antonio, let's hope that the refs follow Crawford's stand, and restore some credibility to the NBA.
Mark Cuban

12:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good points, Mark. Oh yeah, we just scored again.

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